Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

[Toffeepie123]

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

My mother was a childminder, so she was always around. We had a people carrier, she loved to bake, was on the PTA and loved Laura Ashley and a church coffee morning. She always knew best and frankly I found her overbearing. She performed all 'women's work'- housework. I idolised the independent mums, those with hard hitting careers, and jealous of the kids that got to go to after school club or childminders. I thought it was amazing when friends dad's would cook dinner and live a more modern life

I'm hoping that I can strike a balance. I have an SUV instead of a people carrier, I have a busy career and my husband does the majority of the childcare! I will not be joining the PTA, but I dont mind a slice of cake!

I didn’t, no. The less said about her the better, really.

My Grandma was/is, though. I would love to be more like her. I can’t bake for shit!

I’m a Doc Marten skinny jean band/movie t shirt wearing tattooed pierced ADHD nightmare

However -

DC know they come first
I’m very affectionate with them
I read to them/with them regularly
They can talk openly with me about anything - eldest DD is 13 and came out as a lesbian to me a few days after her last birthday.
They know they are loved

@NavigationCentral

OP - why are your prototypes at these two extremes? Also what role did your other parent have? Or what role should the other parent have? Why is the onus on the mum to be a certain way?

Which of your prototypes do I fit? Here goes - I’m a mum to a baby and a reception kid. I have a doctorate degree and deeply enjoy my career and profession. I also shower my kids in activities, attention and we have loads of fun. I am an excellent cook if I may say so and cook stuff from around the world. I explore geography and science and languages with my kids. They travel to my conferences and watch me do talks. My spouse shared parenting equally. We have an active life, a cuddly pet and a warm home. They celebrated my recent promotion with a pile of gifts to surprise me.

What sort of mum am I?

Bugger me. You sound like the sort of mum I want to be and arnt. My house is a mess, my kids don't sleep, the older one shouts things like 'I've done a poo' when I'm lecturing online, refuses to eat anything except pasta and is a master at emotional manipulation 'if you turn the TV off it will be the worst day ever ' and craft has been replaced by octonauts since the younger one was born. god knows how I'm going to finish my diploma, go back to work and move house in the next few months. I'll just return to my wine while being rolled on by the baby.

My mum was a mumsy mum which up to the age of 7ish I loved.

As I got older I found it to be more and more suffocating. I barely bought friends home because what my mum considered to be taking an interest and making people feel welcome, I felt was interfering and nosey.

As a teen I was really jealous of my friends who went home to an empty house -I would have loved to go home to peace and just be able to decompress for a bit rather than 'don't forget to empty your bag, have you got much homework? Don't forget you've got xxx on Thursday so won't have as much time to do your homework, can you feed the hamster, tea's at 5 so don't be snacking and ruin your appetite'

I went to university and never went home again other than the odd overnight stay

I do actually get on with my mum and can appreciate that she was doing her best and was full of good intentions -I'm just the sort of person that needs space and I was never allowed that because it was considered moody and antisocial

Why are people equating Mumsy with being a SAHM?

As I said upthread, my MIL was a wonderfully mumsy mum. She was also a ward sister working jigsaw shifts with my miner FIL. So no, she wasn't home all the time for my DH and his DSis, they didn't all get to sit round the dining table as a family, and she and PIL worked as a parenting team. But she was still a devoted and mumsy mum whose children were her life. There was nothing cool or remotely selfish about her. She loved her job but her family was her life.

@Miseryl

Your mum sounds like a chaotic unfit parent, sorry OP. Plenty of women have successful careers and work full time and are good parents.

Chaotic unfit parent?! No.

My alcoholic mother was a chaotic unfit parent.

My mum was a SAHM, took us to school everyday and picked us up, we had a wonderful, outdoorsy, wholesome life. She is very pragmatic, not overly emotional but very kind and great fun. Plus, super glam, even in her shorts when gardening or cleaning out the rabbits! She has a wide range of interests and is fascinating to talk to - has a real zest for life. She is my best friend, we drove each other nuts during my teen years but at 16/17 became really close and I can tell her everything and vice versa.
Since i was tiny, I've always found her the most comforting thing ever and even now, just hearing her voice makes my world right again. I cannot imagine my life without her.

My mother was a sahm. She never cleaned - think days of dirty dishes piled up, clothes never washed, sheets never changed. House infested with mice. I was never given breakfast as a child. Got given a piece of bread and butter for school lunch. Never really felt loved. My mother manipulated me and my siblings in her endless battle with my father. Looking back I think she was depressed. My father had a personality disorder and was emotionally and verbally abusive. He controlled my mother by barely giving her any money. The house was like a battle-field. I used to feel sick coming home from school every day because I could hear the shouting going on from about 20 feet away before I got to the door.
I was determined to do better. Stayed home with DC for many years and did all the breastfeeding, homemade organic puree, and then best food possible. All singing/dancing play groups and baby sessions. All school drop offs and pick ups. Parents' evening, sports days, cake sales etc. All the clubs. Play-dates nearly every day. Husband totally involved too. Showered DC with love and affection. Went into a new career after 15 years at home as I knew I would have to move on as DC grew up. DC very secure and happy. Everything worked out in the end.
However, still feel very sad which I read about either "mumsy mums" or conversely "exciting eccentric type mums". Would have loved to have either type myself as a child. Anyone really who would have treated me with dignity.

@Paulinna strong words there

My mum was a SAHM, she made home life comfortable, always looked after us well read to us etc. Made home feel nice and secure. I wish I could be that kind of mother for my own child but my DH doesn’t want me to give up work.

My mum was Mumsy/is mumsy, very maternal.

I'm the opposite!! I can imagine being like your mom as your describe!! My kids will likely end up posting something similar in 30 years lol

I’m sure my kids would love to have a slave to indulge their desire to bake at every opportunity regardless of the slaves wants, desires or financial needs in their ‘retirement’.

It’s very easy when pregnant to assume you will be a much better parent than your own parents, or others you encounter in day-to-day life.

Come back and tell us how you get on in 4 years time when you’ve got a toddler and a newborn and one of them is trying to gouge the eyes out of the other one, and they are emptying sudocrem onto to the carpets because you dared to have a wee in peace for 30 seconds. You too may wistfully dream of another life, a day or two to yourself to reconnect to the old you, and to forget about the tyrants at home you martyr yourself too.

@Toffeepie123

Apologies for those who believe this thread to be misogynistic and against mothers/women.

Not my intention. I am a pregnant woman so therefore going to become a mother. So I am pondering on some aspects of motherhood.

Of course dad's should be as involved as mother's and caring responsibilities shared etc.
However as a first time mum I am just musing about mums, not dads. Wondering how I will be, thinking of the type of childhood I had, what I'd have wanted more of, less of, would like to replicate etc.

There will be many others like on this thread who's mums are 'mumsy' and they didn't like it. So it swings in roundabouts.

I think it's normal to think and wonder about this, but I would suggest that you don't get yourself too emotionally tied into the idea that you'll be a particular 'type' of mother until you know how it feels. I thought I'd knew how I'd be but some of it I had no idea how it would feel until I actually had a real child, not the idea of one (I actually thought I'd make much fewer career sacrifices and that I'd be much less 'mumsy' than I am, even though I think I'm still very far down your mumsy scale!). I agree with PPs that you don't get a personality transplant when you have a baby, but at the same time I personally found - I know that not everyone does - that the experience has changed me in some ways, not at all in others, and not necessarily in ways I could predict. Deciding how you'll parent in advance is a recipe for guilt if you don't live up to your own expectations.

I had a stay at home mumsy mum. As you say - 'imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.' This is exactly what it was.
She did go back to work when I was really teens and made a nice later career for herself, nothing high flying but satisfactory and a fresh challenge.
I couldn't be open with her but that was her character, she'd had a rather odd upbringing herself and was not. at. all. Worldly wise, so anything physical or emotional was something I had to figure out for myself. But that would have been true of her however she had parented.
I also am quite a mumsy mum which is no struggle as I had a good model and know exactly what benefits I think I'm creating. However, I have changed a few things, not least getting rid of body shame as a concept etc. I also had a fab wild life before kids so I'm happy to be settled for them for a while.

I agree with pp, you're still you, and your children will know no other mum than the one you will be and that will be their normal. I think most people try to take the good and improve the bad from their own experience of being parented. For some that's easier than others depending what they've learnt and how much they can reuse or have to unlearn. Most caring thinking parents build on what they had successfully though. The fact you're putting so much thought into it suggests you're going to do a great job

I'm not mumsy but neither do I smoke, drink or do anything bohemian/rockstar/fun... worst combo!
Lots of mums work these days, but they are still quite mumsy. I think I get what you mean OP (or maybe my interpretation) in terms of fitting life around kids or kids around life, as I said that about 2 of my colleagues recently.
One is totally lives for kids, and the other is big on socialising/hobbies and brings kids to pubs, holidays with other friends (only 2 children with group of adults) always deposit them with grandparents for festivals etc. Both devoted mums but the latter looks a bit less mumsy.

@sadlynotme

My mother was a sahm. She never cleaned - think days of dirty dishes piled up, clothes never washed, sheets never changed. House infested with mice. I was never given breakfast as a child. Got given a piece of bread and butter for school lunch. Never really felt loved. My mother manipulated me and my siblings in her endless battle with my father. Looking back I think she was depressed. My father had a personality disorder and was emotionally and verbally abusive. He controlled my mother by barely giving her any money. The house was like a battle-field. I used to feel sick coming home from school every day because I could hear the shouting going on from about 20 feet away before I got to the door. I was determined to do better. Stayed home with DC for many years and did all the breastfeeding, homemade organic puree, and then best food possible. All singing/dancing play groups and baby sessions. All school drop offs and pick ups. Parents' evening, sports days, cake sales etc. All the clubs. Play-dates nearly every day. Husband totally involved too. Showered DC with love and affection. Went into a new career after 15 years at home as I knew I would have to move on as DC grew up. DC very secure and happy. Everything worked out in the end. However, still feel very sad which I read about either "mumsy mums" or conversely "exciting eccentric type mums". Would have loved to have either type myself as a child. Anyone really who would have treated me with dignity.

Amazing! For you to have built that family and life after your own experiences - just wow. I can only imagine what emotions you must have experienced going through all that as a child and then giving your children something entirely different and knowing that your children could never really know what a leap that must have been.

Its filled with fresh air, sunshine and laughter.

Where does it put mums who love their kids as well as their careers and share parenting equally with their partners?
These mums are a world and at least one generation ahead of the rest. I have seen this in my circle in so many ways: the knowledge, the connections, the financial stability that these families pass on to their children is an immense advantage.
Also, its all cool to think of all the mums who were always there for their children until you sit down and do the maths. Many more families need to have two working parents now than a generation ago.

Why are people equating Mumsy with being a SAHM?

@saraclara I totally agree. My mum was mumsy and worked. I'm probably pretty mumsy too and I work too, I also like going out to get pissed with my friends and have no love for Laura Ashley 🤣.

@DragonflyFairy you should send her a screen shot of what you posted, such a lovely thing to say (write!)

My mum was a mumsy mum. 60s and 70s, she was a sahm, never learnt to drive, cooked, baked,knitted and sewed. She and dad went everywhere together when he wasn’t at work. I rarely had a sitter. She’d often go to the shops for something to do.
It wasn’t till I was grown that I realised how bored and lonely she was.

These comments are outrageous. My DM was social but had mumsyness in her, she still has no idea her ex 'DH' is a SA and I'm the victim.

I hate cooking and I never bake and work my arse off to pay a mortgage so my DS is in a decent school and hasn't suffered what I did and I have a social life but sounds like I may as well shoot myself as I'm clearly a shit mum.

Baking fucking brownies doesn't make you an amazing mother.

@PieceOfString

Thank you for your kind words.

My mum was widowed when I was 9 and was left in difficult straits and had to work hard in various jobs to keep us. I longed for her to be home more and to be there when I got in from school. I was really lonely for her a lot of the time (no Dad, though I did have a loving Nan who was only there occasionally.) I just used to wish my Mum could be there more often, doing a lot more mumsy-ing and she would have been if money hadn't been the issue.

Maybe consequently, maybe not, I've been a mumsy-mum and always there for my kids, worked around them in non-career jobs which I was happy in. We had an idyllic time in some ways; I enjoyed a lot of the 'child-centred' things that many people seem to find dull or stifling.

I don't know which way my DDs will go. One is single and professional, the other married and planning a family. I see both every few days as they're always popping round. I'm definitely not super-glam like DragonflyFairy's lovely Mum, but our relationship sounds similar

My mum was an amazing mother without being at all Mumsy.

When I was little she worked FT as a teacher and wore high heels and looked like Princess Di. I never thought it at the time but looking back at photos she was gorgeous.

She was surrounded by farming family mothers who did work too but more traditionally in the farm. I must admit sometimes I was a bit jealous of my friends mums home made cakes and always being there. My mum did not bake or do crafts or come to Sports Days (my nana did more of that stuff for me).

However as I got older I appreciated that she encouraged my education, took us on loads of great trips out and holidays, read to us and was very wise and supportive. I valued her opinion more than anyone else in the world

She was an amazing grandma too right up to the day she died of cancer last year. Always writing to my kids, encouraging them and getting thoughtful presents.
She has left a huge hole in all our lives.

She never baked a cupcake in her life to my knowledge but she was an amazing amazing mum. There's lots of ways to be a great mum. I'll be happy if I am anywhere near as good as she was and I don't bake either.