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Original poster

Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

209 replies

Toffeepie123 · 13/08/2021 18:30

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot. Grin

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

OP posts:
leonpride · 13/08/2021 19:05

@Miseryl

Your mum sounds like a chaotic unfit parent, sorry OP. Plenty of women have successful careers and work full time and are good parents.

Unfit parent because OP didn't have the best costume on world book day? Um okay

leonpride · 13/08/2021 19:07

@Miseryl

Smoked weed, disorganised, bad outfits, crap food? Yep, parent of the year. Hmm

None of these things are a big deal, including smoking weed. No worse than cigarettes, alcohol or fast food around kids. Giving your child what's in the cupboard to each? Normal. It's all normal. Not perfect, but so what?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/08/2021 19:08

I'm 60. Was a mumsy Mum. Loved it. Consequence was I had nothing like the career and pension I might have had otherwise. Fine for me as am happily married. Could have been disastrous, though. My childrearing years were 30ish to 50ish. Not very long in the scheme of things, although the single most important part of my life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
FlorrieLindley · 13/08/2021 19:08

My mother was a single parent (widow) and went back to work when I was in primary two. I was a latch-key kid as they were called in those days.
She was tall and slim and glamorous, but very much a "man's woman", and always seemed to base her self-worth on being attractive to men.
She was a hopeless housekeeper, an indifferent cook, and would rather be the centre of attention at a party than sitting at home.
She never once told me she loved me, or gave me a hug or a kiss.
She's dead now. I don't miss her.

Original poster
Toffeepie123 · 13/08/2021 19:09

@1Micem0use

OP Your mum sounds a bit like Georgia in Georgia and Ginny.
I've never seen it. Just did a quick Google and yes that's sort of similar!
OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 13/08/2021 19:18

I had a mumsy mum. She was a woman of her time. When she married she had to leave work as they didn’t employ married women so she just had part time jobs after I went to school. We were very much loved and cared for, she was always there with a cuddle and a solution to your problems. She’d phone me up and even although I thought I was being bright and breezy, she’d say ‘what wrong?’ she’d always know when something wasn’t right! It’s been 25 years since she died and ill never stop missing her…

AintPageantMaterial · 13/08/2021 19:18

@Miseryl

Smoked weed, disorganised, bad outfits, crap food? Yep, parent of the year. Hmm
Occasional pot use, lacklustre sandwiches and providing a poor standard of fancy dress costume does not make someone a crap parent.

Don’t be such a twerp.

LordOfTheThings · 13/08/2021 19:19

My mum was a mumsy mum. I used to love going home from school and my sister and I would open the front door and you could see all the way down the hall to the kitchen. I have the most lovely memories of seeing my mum in there with the dog and her shouting out 'come and get some toast and butter girls' every afternoon when we got home. She worked every morning

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 19:24

@robinsinthespring

I would have like a mum, full stop.
Bless you Flowers and hugs x
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 13/08/2021 19:27

I'm not a mumsy mum particularly, and my children probably have to eat sandwiches made of whatever's in the fridge, I don't do home-made brownies and when work is chaotic, I tend to lapse with the dusting, let's put it that way. Luckily for my children, I wasn't a mumsy mum as when my partner died, I was able to work full time as my career was good so they haven't had a drop in living standards. Mumsy mums (by which it seems to mean on here part-time, oriented around children not work) are great if your family life enables that; if it doesn't for any reason, then that can be much harder than having a crap costume on World Book Day.

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2021 19:28

My mother was my best friend, but she wasn't a 'mumsy mum' thank god. I think I'd have felt smothered. She didn't work until I was about 12, and then only part time. My father worked abroad, so she was independent, capable, and practical. She was always there if I needed her, but I was apparently very independent and occupied myself. She cooked, the house was clean, she spent a fortune on expensive clothes for me, she made arrangements for play dates and we often travelled, or had people to stay. But there was nothing mumsy about her. When I was a teenager I could tell her anything, she was very laid back, very astute, gave good advice but was very liberal. I have tried to parent my DC in a similar way. I miss her every day.

NavigationCentral · 13/08/2021 19:29

OP - why are your prototypes at these two extremes? Also what role did your other parent have? Or what role should the other parent have? Why is the onus on the mum to be a certain way?

Which of your prototypes do I fit? Here goes - I’m a mum to a baby and a reception kid. I have a doctorate degree and deeply enjoy my career and profession. I also shower my kids in activities, attention and we have loads of fun. I am an excellent cook if I may say so and cook stuff from around the world. I explore geography and science and languages with my kids. They travel to my conferences and watch me do talks. My spouse shared parenting equally. We have an active life, a cuddly pet and a warm home. They celebrated my recent promotion with a pile of gifts to surprise me.

What sort of mum am I?

NavigationCentral · 13/08/2021 19:30

Shares * not shared.

spooney21 · 13/08/2021 19:30

If we're making generalisations then no I'm probably not a 'mumsy mum'. To me that means someone who doesn't ever prioritise themselves, doesn't look after their appearance and perhaps doesn't have a career or job outside of the home.

Fwiw I wear leather jackets and red lipstick, but don't have a sports car- though it's something I've always wanted! I work pt, term time only, run my own successful business. I'm home 3 days a week when they get in from school, dh the other 2. I cook from scratch (sometimes), bake (sometimes), do craft activities (sometimes)- when we have time an I can be arsed! Am always driving my dc to clubs, facilitating play dates etc.

My dc (singular) is my world and we are extremely close, but they also know that mummy has a life, and interests of their own, a career, and that her parents need time alone together. Thankfully I have lots of family who love having dc to stay for the night.

So I don't really know what that makes me.....

JellyNellie · 13/08/2021 19:32

My mother wasn't a mumsy mum,she was a biker chick went out drinking every Wednesday night,I'd often have to make mine and my brothers dinners,she would never get up in a morning for school and we would often have crisp sandwich,but I'm grateful I have a mum and I also no she had a very abusive childhood,she's a completely different woman now and we are the best of friends,I am a very mumsy mum,we bake,colour do jigsaws ect I wake every morning regardless to the time I make lots of homemade meals with my children involved everything in my life revolves around my children,I also have no social life 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hardbackwriter · 13/08/2021 19:35

Your post made me feel a bit sad at first because I don't think I'm a 'mumsy mum' but I love my children very much and hope they don't feel like this about me - but then my mum wasn't either, and I don't feel like you, OP. But I do think that you're maybe mixing up the important and the superficial - my mum worked, didn't bake, life was always slightly disorganized and last minute but we were loved and prioritized and we knew it. I know plenty of people with mothers who stayed at home and baked but who were pretty cold and unloving - and of course I also know people with mothers who stayed at home and baked and were lovely and nurturing. I think there's much less of a correlation between feeling safe, loved and cherished and whether or not your mum only works school hours or makes you special sandwiches than you think - but then I guess I would think that.

NavigationCentral · 13/08/2021 19:37

The more I think about it I am finding OP’s prototypes absolutely extreme and bizarre. The world isn’t a binary of these specific samples is it. Where does it put mums who love their kids as well as their careers and share parenting equally with their partners?

CookPassBabtridge · 13/08/2021 19:39

Definitely needs to be a balance. Your description of a mumsy mum makes me feel suffocated and cringey, and sad that you think a mum needs to be totally centred around her kids and defined by them. But yes your mum was a little too far the other way. But she made you feel loved!
I adore my kids but I very much want a life outside them, and want to be myself and not a mum.

spaceghetto · 13/08/2021 19:40

@ElspethFlashman i'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful mum.

Hemingwaycat · 13/08/2021 19:41

My Mum wasn’t great so I know what you mean OP, I was always a bit jealous of those Mum’s too. They tended to be older Mum’s, my Mum was always one of the youngest. I didn’t have an issue with her age at all and she got along with other school Mum’s much better than I do tbf. She just wasn’t the sort of Mum you describe at all and I did yearn for that.

We never baked or did crafts and she never read to me, I taught myself to read at a very early age and just read alone. I don’t really recall playing with her much, I was often send outside to play alone or with kids off the street a lot. She got drunk most weekends with her friend either at home or at the pub and I’d be dragged along to the pub where we’d sit until way past midnight. Not great. We never went to nice places together like the cinema, museums, swimming, art galleries etc.. it just didn’t happen.

I’ve tried to be opposite to her as much as possible with my own DC. I wouldn’t say I’m mumsy but we do a lot together and I probably give them 95% of my energy output.

readwhatiactuallysay · 13/08/2021 19:41

@ElspethFlashman

Yeah, mine was a SAHM, lots of baking.

It means I'm quite a good baker.

I used to spend a lot of time with her. Just watching TV. She was always around. We talked a lot. We became good pals. We remained close until she passed away.

She had time, and she had sympathy, and she had hugs. All I ever wanted in a Mum.

And yes, I model my parenting on her, 100%.

This is exactly what i was going to say.

I had a brilliantly mummsy mum and i proudly try to follow that

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 19:42

My mum wasn’t a mumsy mum; she was very career oriented and pursued her own interests. There are good and bad effects this has had on me whereas DHs mum is a massive mumsy mum and I can see the downside is that her children felt quite stifled and it caused resentment and a lack of independence as adults. It’s also kind of evident how reliant she still is on her DC to give her life meaning compared to my mum who is very independent.
I’m hoping to be somewhere in the middle; growing up I wanted a mumsy mum and I quite enjoy DHs mum looking after me a bit still but I want to have my own independent identity too

spaceghetto · 13/08/2021 19:43

I didn't have a mumsy mum but I feel that I am one. I adore my boys and really love spending time with them. Today we've had a really lovely day making dens, decorating cup cakes, setting up bike obstacle courses and face painting.

TheMoth · 13/08/2021 19:43

I had a mumsy mum. But she was also a bit of a martyr.

I am not a mumsy mum. I have a lot of fun. Sometimes I have fun with my children, but tbh, I have more fun with adults.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 13/08/2021 19:43

@LordOfTheThings

My mum was a mumsy mum. I used to love going home from school and my sister and I would open the front door and you could see all the way down the hall to the kitchen. I have the most lovely memories of seeing my mum in there with the dog and her shouting out 'come and get some toast and butter girls' every afternoon when we got home. She worked every morning
That’s lovely!