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Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

273 replies

delishUsh · 31/07/2021 07:13

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

OP posts:
Mulanmoo · 31/07/2021 09:56

I could never be with a pathetic man like that. Stop making excuses for him. He is a shit dad and this is not normal behaviour for a dad. Especially at the age of 3.

Wizzbangfizz · 31/07/2021 09:58

GAD or not that is utterly pathetic, having a uterus does not mean that you automatically know how to parent ffs. I bet it doesn't stop him
Doing things he wants to do.

Dragon50 · 31/07/2021 09:58

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Also, was this concern a sudden onset as you were walking out the door?

Or if you didn’t trust your DH with the DC why was it booked in the first place?

I’m not blaming you, but I do think you are minimising your DH inability to solo parent his DC, possibly because you’ve been conditioned to not rely on him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

TopBlogger · 31/07/2021 09:59

Since they were born he has worried they will fall ill or have an accident and he would become paralyzed by his anxiety and not be able to get them help

It is a scary thought being totally responsible for children. But if you weren't there to sort it out he would HAVE to shift himself and help them. Surely his paternal instincts would kick in rather than just stand there paralyzed Hmm

But I suppose you will never know as he was never in that position. And understandably your need to protect your dc was/is more important than knowing how he would react.

BigFatLiar · 31/07/2021 10:00

Up until then he'd never had them on his own for more than 20 minutes.

I think this is part of the problem

It wouldn't have been an issue with us as after I went back to work OH did most of the parenting, he loved being a dad.

However if you hadn't been in the habit of leaving your OH with the kids then he may have found it a bit scary being left with the responsibility, he'd have coped. He won't learn to parent if you don't leave him to it and let him make mistakes.

PegasusReturns · 31/07/2021 10:00

*…could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?”

Has this ever happened?

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2021 10:01

A diagnosis of GAD does not excuse a sexist comment!!! Two very, very different things.
If he had said that he was worried he couldn't cope because they were squabbling then that's slightly different but he didn't. He played the sexist card. That's appalling and probably why so many posters here are saying he is shit! Because what he said, is.

Benjispruce5 · 31/07/2021 10:02

I’d have just left in time for my haircut.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/07/2021 10:02

You've posted a situation that is completely alien to most of us, followed by a comment that perfectly fits that situation. You cannot be surprised that most of us focus on the oddness of the situation as a whole.

Then you mentioned a medical condition most of us know nothing about and asked, 'in the context of this very particular medical condition, as it affects my husband, please differentiate between his behaviour and his comment (which perfectly describes his behaviour)'.

Having said that, there is a difference between 'I can't because of my medical condition' and 'I can't because I fundamentally believe that childcare is women's work'.

The problem is that the two things, attitude and condition, will have worked together, since your twins were born.

His belief that 'only mum can and should do childcare' will have increased his anxiety about looking after his children. At the same time, he will have used his anxiety as an excuse to avoid childcare, therefore not learned to do it and overcome his anxiety step by step, like any sensible person and devoted dad would have done, because he believes that childcare is women's work.

Medical condition aside, loads of dads adopt the 'helper' position to the 'expert mum' and use strategic incompetence to get out of childcare. There's nothing unique or unusual about that. Quite a few mums adopt the expert position for themselves and cast the dad as incompetent helper, thus trapping themselves as default child carer and martyr for years to come. Nothing unusual about that either.

If your DH was a great dad, he would have wanted to learn to look after his children and he would have made it happen, step by step, within his limitations. Becoming gradually more competent would have helped him gradually overcome his anxiety, so he could build up his childcare abilities.

He didn't do that because he believes that childcare is women's work.

NekoShiro · 31/07/2021 10:02

I would of told him to figure it out just like I had to and gone to get the haircut, parenting skills aren't magically bestowed on women while they're pregnant, care givers work hard to learn how to raise children and deal with them not to mention that every child will have their own nuances when it comes to parenting them.

FatJan · 31/07/2021 10:03

What happens when he becomes 'paralysed with anxiety' to the extent he 'cannot get help to children if they needed it'?

Presumably you have seen him paralysed with anxiety before? How long is he paralysed? Can he literally not move? What caused it? How did you get him help? We he breathing?

Actual physical paralysis is an incredibly rare an unusual response to GAD. I've heard of panic attacks but not this. Are you sure it's GAD? It sounds like an extremely serious medical condition.

CarnationCat · 31/07/2021 10:05

Not sure what the purpose of your post it. A perfectly able father not being able to look after his children is not something I would stand for. Then you mention all the times he has looked after them. You seem to be happy with his parenting now. If it's just the comment that riled you, of course the comment was unacceptable. A mother and father have equal responsibility for their children. I don't know why you're dwelling on the comment. That was obviously his attitude at the time and you accepted it.

SecondRow · 31/07/2021 10:06

OP, what do you think about that comment?

How did you feel at the time?

How do you feel now, five years on?

Does he also still feel there is a difference in what can reasonably be expected from a mummy versus from a daddy? Are there still differences in how you both parent now?

Although it seems you feel things are better now, remembering that day seems to spark something off in you, but you haven't quite said what it is?

SpnBaby1967 · 31/07/2021 10:06

"You'll manage" ......and leave for my haircut

TheCrowening · 31/07/2021 10:07

@delishUsh

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.
Okay then. What I would have said is he’s pathetic and a shit dad.
Jasmine11 · 31/07/2021 10:07

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
What was the point of starting this thread without this important piece of information in your OP? If he was not mentally well enough to look after them then you should have sought alternative childcare before booking your appointment. His comment about not being mummy sounds like something he just said out of desperation to stop you going out.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/07/2021 10:08

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

"Sorry love, Daddy will have to do, I'm late" peck on the cheek and rushed out the door.

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2021 10:09

@delishUsh

Has he ever taken them to the dentist, opticians, uniform shopping, bought their cooking ingredients, remembered to buy a present for the party they're going to next weekend... etc etc?

Of course he has!

So he can do all of that without worrying about being paralyzed with anxiety, but he wouldn't let you go for a haircut because he's not a mummy?

It looks like he saw you coming OP 🤦‍♀️

MB58 · 31/07/2021 10:09

I would of told him he was speaking nonsense and left for my haircut!

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2021 10:09

Franklydear

@lannistunut that’s unfair, you don’t know until it happens, you might think how it’ll go but you don’t know, nobody thinks I’ll marry the most selfish miserable bastard I can find“

Bit unfair. He didn’t know what to do because OP had deliberately not left them with him before. If you insinuate that someone is useless, they tend to believe it.

freckles20 · 31/07/2021 10:11

This is really tough in your OP.

I think all of us have a responsibility to parent our children as best we can. Many parents cope with GAD and other MH difficulties and still manage to parent.

Unless your DH avoids things like driving, working, cooking etc., then it is unreasonable to not care for his own children due to his condition.

He should be actively trying to find ways to live with his condition and ways to parent. Whether that be through medication, therapy or both. That would be a sign of a dedicated partner and parent.

AlexaShutUp · 31/07/2021 10:12

Suffering with GAD, even severely, doesn't make you a sexist twat as far as I'm aware.

He thought it was your job to settle his children because you are female. I would not have been willing to tolerate that attitude.

As to what I would have done in that situation, it's hard to imagine as I didn't marry a sexist twat. But I'm pretty sure that I'd have called him out on it and gone out anyway. Of course, I wouldn't have left the children if they were at risk, but I can't imagine having got to three years and their father still being so incapable.

TheDevils · 31/07/2021 10:13

That sort of comment would have been a watershed moment in our relationship. One I'm not sure we would have recovered from.

MrsMaizel · 31/07/2021 10:13

What a non event this is - you post something about your partner from years ago complaining about him (who you are still with! ) then you start defending him when people reply . 🙄

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/07/2021 10:13

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Why did you even bother booking a haircut then if you knew this could potentially be an issue?