Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

[MattyGroves]

Just laughed and left. Probably stayed out longer.

[BarryTheKestrel]

I'd have gone regardless.

Please tell me you have since either left him, or addressed his solo parenting skills so this is no longer an issue.

[ShippingNews]

@lannistunut

"I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it."

Is this stressed or 'stressed' though?

More like "when he gets stressed he puts on the 'helpless act' so I feel guilty and give in ".

[delishUsh]

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

[BendingSpoons]

Did he improve as they got older? Did he never deal with disputes whilst you were in the other room? That must have been tough on you not getting a break.

There are a few things I can do as a mum that DH can't do: get pregnant, give birth, breastfeed. He's capable of everything else, including doing DD's hair for school I hope your DP got the hang of it later on.

[Franklydear]

@lannistunut me too, my dh does as much as I do but I did worry about op thinking my fault for choosing wrong, bastards don’t tend to show their colours until is too late

[daphnedoo12]

I'd of walked out

[lannistunut]

@delishUsh

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

Hmmm. A lot of mothers and fathers have GAD and care for their kids. This alone does not explain it away.

[MayorGundersonsDogRufus]

Yeah, you need to tackle this now, OP or it'll never change. You are in this together and 'mummies' do not have some innate knowledge about how to deal with tantrums. We learn. He can too.

I would sweetly smile at DH and say, "good luck! Text me if you need to check anything!" And then head out.

First time he took DD out by himself there was a poop incident and he'd forgotten to pack wipes. He never forgot again! To be fair to him, he was determined to build a proper caring relationship with DD and not be a part time parent.

[delishUsh]

@lannistunut I think that depends on the severity of it. He gets it pretty bad.

[Fiddliestofsticks]

He's still behaving in a totally pathetic, misogynistic and quite disgusting way. And you let him get what he wanted. Well done. Enjoy that when the kids are grown up and start treating their partners the same way.

[Flamingo49]

But a diagnosis of GAD doesn't mean you have to be shit at parenting. If you have anxiety (and you're an adult and a decent person) you sit down with your partner and together work out how you can still parent alongside your anxiety. And you get professional help.

[Saidtoomuch]

He sounds very controlling. He knows what he is doing, he is letting you think the children won't be safe with him long enough to even get your hair cut. He is a crap dad and I'm wondering what the point of him is.

[lannistunut]

[quote Franklydear]@lannistunut me too, my dh does as much as I do but I did worry about op thinking my fault for choosing wrong, bastards don’t tend to show their colours until is too late[/quote]
Yes, I agree. I maybe expressed myself poorly, I genuinely feel flummoxed because I would be really fucking angry and tell him to sort his shit out, is what I think, but I'm not in there.

[crabbingbucket]

GAD & bi polar here and a dd at home with ADHD and austistic traits. Plus older ones. Manage to parent on my own with no help. Just like thousands of parents all over the world. Stop making excuses for him!

[PotteringAlong]

Having GAD doesn’t mean he can’t ever look after his children by himself.

It was a couple of hours, tops. He would have coped.

Do not let his medical diagnosis be an excuse. If you had it, do you think he would never leave you alone with them, just in case…

[lannistunut]

[quote delishUsh]@lannistunut I think that depends on the severity of it. He gets it pretty bad. [/quote]
I think you make quite a lot of excuses for him.

If it is his GAD, why did he make that remark?

[MuchTooTired]

I’d have laughed, told him to figure it out and wished him luck before skipping my way to the hairdresser and muting my phone just in case.

[Eviethyme]

Why do some men think because they are dad and woman are mum that gives them the excuse to be a lazy arsehole who can't handle children. I swear I'm sick of it.

[Franklydear]

@delishUsh I agree with @lannistunut I often respond strongly to similar comments, he made that remark cos you threaten to leave your place and do something for you, and not for his benefit

[KatySun]

No, the GAD and the comment about you being a mummy therefore can do care are separate.
The comment suggests that he views childcare as women’s work.
I have suffered from anxiety as a single parent. I have got on with it.
So I don’t think the GAD is relevant, except that he seems not to have sought help or addressed matters to enable him to look after his DC, maybe because he thought it was your job.
I hope things improved as DC got older. But yes, his comment was designed to keep you in the house and him out of sole parenting. And as you had concerns about whether he would cope, then it worked. It probably reinforced the idea that you should not try to do anything for yourself… how long did that last?

[FakeFruitShoot]

By 3 years in (so at least a couple of years on from diagnosis?) I would hope being left with the kids for a short, prearranged, specific appointment would be a good opportunity to learn to manage his illness alongside parenting. As a couple are there ways you can both work towards some (initially short qnd prearranged) chances for solo parenting that so he could enjoy a fuller and more confident relationship with his children?

[MattyGroves]

@delishUsh

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

If you had the same diagnosis, do you think he would have accepted that you could never look after the kids on your own?

[supermoonrising]

The majority of people globally have some kind physical, mental or otherwise financial struggle for a significant period in their lives. If they all stopped parenting society would be done in a generation or two.

[Foghead]

He doesn’t even try, does he?
He sounds selfish and really doesn’t care about you.