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Original poster

Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

273 replies

delishUsh · 31/07/2021 07:13

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

OP posts:
bevelino · 31/07/2021 09:06

The twins will grow up knowing their father is incapable of looking after them alone. This will impact their sense of security and is far from ideal. The dh should be in therapy to address his anxiety as his comment and behaviour is not remotely normal.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 31/07/2021 09:08

‘No but you need to learn’

AdelindSchade · 31/07/2021 09:08

Some people do have mh problems to the extent that it affects their parenting and other people have to step in. A friend of mine would 'zone out' when ill and completely ignore her kids to the extent it was dangerous. Was a great mum when well. So none of us on here know the dps mh issues affect him. He could certainly be using it as an excuse not to pull his weight but only op knows if that is likely.

I agree that the comment he made as pp have said suggests a belief that some men have about the mystical mothering gene or the having of 'cheat codes' just because we have a womb.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Marmite27 · 31/07/2021 09:10

You’ll manage, bye!

WhoopsieFairy · 31/07/2021 09:12

Hi OP, you're getting so much hate on here. Not what you came for but easy to say someone is a shut person from one encounter.

I would have acted the same as you in they specific moment but would have taken that as an opportunity to support him become more confident. Laughing about someone's anxieties (as annoying or silly as they may seem to you) is making things worse for that person. What he really needed in that moment is support. Only because he couldn't do something then, doesn't mean he can never do it in the future. It's simply one snapshot out of your life that depicts your DH as not particularly capable and I'm sure we all have times when we feel overwhelmed and not very capable. He wasn't a single dad at the time and possibly would have simply got on with it had he been one (in reference to pp).

Anyway, I hope he's grown into his role more and has become more confident. I have a 10 month old ds and I also sometimes feel like 'oh shit' when I'm on my own with him when DH is out and ds is particularly whiny. It's natural but we do our best to deal with it one step at a time.

Don't take some comments to heart. You know your family best Flowers.

Brefugee · 31/07/2021 09:14

I would have left and stayed out until after their bedtime.

VienneseWhirligig · 31/07/2021 09:15

I'd have said "tough tits pal, they're all yours now" and gone. But I can't imagine it happening because my DH was really hands on and I wasn't the default parent. I think by giving in and cancelling the appointment, it reinforces the idea that your DP wouldn't be able to (or have to) learn to comfort them and cope. It seems alien to me but I have friends who use "babysitting" to describe their partners taking care of their kids, which I think is equally wrong.

AdelindSchade · 31/07/2021 09:16

@WhoopsieFairy a very wise and kind reply.

Original poster
delishUsh · 31/07/2021 09:18

@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 31/07/2021 09:19

I can’t believe he’s just shown he’s a chauvinistic pig for the first time. What were you thinking having kids with a man like this!!

What a cheek he’s got to expect you to do everything.

Iggly · 31/07/2021 09:19

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
But of an epic drip feed though OP.

Myself - I would probably have left to be honest, if my DP didn’t get serious help to enable him to parent.

My mum has severe mental health issues but I never felt she got enough help (or was supported by others around her to get help) until we were adults. That hurt a lot.

Auntycorruption · 31/07/2021 09:20

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Has this ever actually happened?

Sounds like a convenient threat to control you with and keep you in your place to me.

Thurlow · 31/07/2021 09:20

Personally I wouldn’t have let it get to the point where he’d not looked after the children on his own for three years Hmm

Look, if you’re happy that your children have a dad who can’t look after them on his own then that’s great for you and your family. But he’s their Dad. He’s supposed to be able to look after his children.

NumberTheory · 31/07/2021 09:21

The comment seems a bit shit. But it seems a bit shit because it appears to be a man pushing parenting on to a woman. Ad that’s what he was doing. In his mind he wasn’t capable of dealing with this and you were.

You seem fine with the physical reality of this so I don’t really understand why you found the comment unreasonable/offensive. How do you think he’d been justifying his parenting? (I’m not saying some one with GAD needs to justify, but they do. We all find excuses to try and make unreasonable things seem reasonable, one of the wonders of the mind.).

userchange902 · 31/07/2021 09:21

@WhoopsieFairy she has said that he can only do short stints since. How about all the women that get abandoned the day the partner goes back to work, do you suppose all the spouses cancel work to "support". No, we have to put our big girl pants on and navigate the situation no matter how demanding. More fathers should experience this and stop being sheltered, that's how it goes on for years. He is not a good dad, my husband is a better uncle than the OP's parter is a dad, he has looked after our 2 children and our nieces and nephews for longer periods described here.

He is being enabled to be useless.

Original poster
delishUsh · 31/07/2021 09:21

@Iggly I did mention that in a previous message. So not a sudden drip feed.

OP posts:
fernvalley · 31/07/2021 09:22

I don't think GAD causes sexist comments ?
I think you know you were wrong to not still just get on with your haircut out the house and are trying to justify your decision rather than accept that.

icedcoffees · 31/07/2021 09:22

I sympathise about the GAD as I have it too and it can be pretty debilitating.

But it's not an opt-out clause. Millions of people have anxiety and other MH disorders and they can still look after their kids.

How does he cope if he has a stressful day at work? I bet he doesn't just opt out of that?

Iggly · 31/07/2021 09:22

[quote delishUsh]@Iggly I did mention that in a previous message. So not a sudden drip feed.

[/quote]
Not in the first post which is what people are reacting to!

userchange902 · 31/07/2021 09:23

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

For heaven's sake paralysed, what do you honestly think would have happened? It happens to us all at some point, it happened to me the day my DH had to go back to work when I was left with a newborn and 3 year old with PND, it's shit but it's life, we do it as mothers, fathers should too.

Applesonthelawn · 31/07/2021 09:23

You asked how we would respond, not how we should respond. I would have internalised it, cancelled the appointment like you did, felt hard done by, then eventually utterly despised him for his pathetic uselessness which would have then become apparent in everything I said and did towards him, heralding a messy end to the relationship in which I took the annoyingly moral high ground and he grovelled around pitifully at base level trying to blame me for being a meanie.
I wouldn't be proud of it but that's how it would unfold.

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 09:23

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

Without wishing to minimize your DP's condition, many people are capable of stepping up if there is no one around to do it for them. Most women with mental health issues manage to parent properly because they don't have the option to rely on anyone else. They work out coping strategies.

crabbingbucket · 31/07/2021 09:24

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Has this ever happened? I've had some horrendous anxiety attacks and have never not been able to look after my kids.

If he's physically paralysed to the point he can't look after his children I wonder if his diagnosis is correct? That sounds a hell lot more serious than GAD. I can't think of what would actually cause that but perhaps something neurological?

Original poster
delishUsh · 31/07/2021 09:24

@Iggly no, but that is why it's important to read all Op's messages.

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 31/07/2021 09:24

@WhoopsieFairy

Hi OP, you're getting so much hate on here. Not what you came for but easy to say someone is a shut person from one encounter.

I would have acted the same as you in they specific moment but would have taken that as an opportunity to support him become more confident. Laughing about someone's anxieties (as annoying or silly as they may seem to you) is making things worse for that person. What he really needed in that moment is support. Only because he couldn't do something then, doesn't mean he can never do it in the future. It's simply one snapshot out of your life that depicts your DH as not particularly capable and I'm sure we all have times when we feel overwhelmed and not very capable. He wasn't a single dad at the time and possibly would have simply got on with it had he been one (in reference to pp).

Anyway, I hope he's grown into his role more and has become more confident. I have a 10 month old ds and I also sometimes feel like 'oh shit' when I'm on my own with him when DH is out and ds is particularly whiny. It's natural but we do our best to deal with it one step at a time.

Don't take some comments to heart. You know your family best Flowers.

Isn't the point though that to grow into the role, you actually have to perform the role?

This is a man who seems to have done 8 years of fatherhood yet can still only manage to take the kids bowling / cinema / other easy fun activity.

Has he ever taken them to the dentist, opticians, uniform shopping, bought their cooking ingredients, remembered to buy a present for the party they're going to next weekend... etc etc?

Anxiety doesn't preclude anyone from doing the above, being a useless lazy twat does