Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

@delishUsh

Up until then he'd never had them on his own for more than 20 minutes. They slept that whole time anyway.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

Risk what?

Since they were born he has worried they will fall ill or have an accident and he would become paralyzed by his anxiety and not be able to get them help

Lots and lots of people have irrational thoughts like this about parenting though. When I was pregnant with my first my husband used to wake up in a cold sweat because he'd dreamed about dropping the baby, or crashing the car with us all inside.
I had dreadful intrusive thoughts after all my babies. They haunted me, but I had to carry on.

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
But you booked the haircut in full knowledge of his GAD.

Your own assessment of your DH's capabilities meant that you were willing to leave your DC with him for a short time, and you didn't think it too dangerous.

What stopped you wasn't his GAD, it was his misogyny.

@MrsSkylerWhite that was a side note to another poster, she didn’t mean to, but her comment sounded like you should have chosen a better father, my point was you don’t know what kind of a father your partner will be, your comment is true, that is entirely possible, we only have an initial op and a lot of excuses after

would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

It doesn't really change anything because you obviously thought he he was able to cope or you wouldn't have made the appointment in the first place. Changing your mind because of that remark was a mistake. Don't feed his anxiety by pre-empting it, if he is too anxious to look after his children he needs to say so and he needs to make plans for how to manage, e.g. bringing in extra care so you and the twins can lead a normal life (or as normal as possible) even if he can't.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

You booked the appointment and were on your way to it 3 years after his diagnosis so presumably you thought he was capable before his libido shrivelling “but I’m not a mummy” comment. If he is that profoundly mentally ill I think you would have noticed beforehand. Given that GAD is massively common, particularly in women who have to shoulder caring responsibilities regardless, and given that his excuse for never having to take on any responsibility is sexism, rather than anxiety, I would be less generous than you. I wouldn’t take on that burden, dump any of it on a pair of little girls, or gaslight myself into thinking level 2 uncle-ing as “great dad” territory.

The fact that you remember this comment 5 years on is telling @delishUsh I beleive you are well aware of the selfishness of your DH to make that remark and possibly have resentment building up in you.

I had to look up GAD as I was confusing it with GERD and trying to work out why that would stop someone being a parent. I feel sorry for him in a way as he will miss out on the special one to one time you have with children by only being a present parent as opposed to a functional one.

My DF was a very hands on dad and for someone born in 1928 he was ahead of his time with sharing the load with my DM, he was the same with the grandchildren, in fact I lived at my parents while my house was being renovated after the birth of my first born and my dad who was retired at the time would share looking after my son during the night so I could get some sleep. Not all men are lke this, my ex was a bit more selfish but I hadnt realised how good my own dad was with me and also the grandchildren.

Sorry gone off on a tangent here, at the end of the day if you are OK with your DHs input into parenting then its up to you and some people are happy with different arrangements and family set ups, but the fact you started a thread 5 years later makes me suspect that you are not that happy about it.

@delishUsh I have read all of your comments and I can see that you are struggling to find the truth in some of the more bolshy posts.

Basically, your DH is taking the easy way out where being a parent is concerned. You say he can do many of the parenting jobs but has not, fights back against, having them alone.

YOU need to believe that this is not fair on you and that you can expect him to manage this.

HE needs to be honest about it, to himself more than anything, and admit that he did not go beyond his initial panic response as you tried to do an every day task that meant he had to parent alone.

Stop excusing him, that doesn't help either of you.
Don't let him further ingrain his anxiety over this, discuss it with him and 'make' him look it square in the face and use his coping mechanisms to overcome his initial panic.

You know he does it in other areas of his life. He does too. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to use his learned coping mechanisms to do this.

Well i have had twins and we are equally responsible. My hubby would have wanted me to have a haircut ultimately so would have sent me and probably told me to have a bit more time. I wouldn't put up with anything less tbh.

Actually I would change what I said to "Daddy will be fine" before rushing off.

I am guessing that he hasn't yet! You wouldn't be here miserable about it after all that time!

I can’t imagine my children getting to three years old without my dh having looked after them.

Breastfeeding days were a bit different but after that parenting has been a pretty equal job.

Incidentally, my experience is that most parents experience a level of anxiety and intrusive thoughts in the early baby years, that would be considered abnormal at any time of their lives.

I'm not seeking to underplay his diagnosed condition. I am suggesting that the strategies we all use to overcome general parental anxiety might have some relevance, if used more gradually.

All that, entirely normal, 'but what if, while I'm walking from a to b, a sudden gust of wind blows us off the bridge into the river? Do I try to hold the whole pushchair up, or do I focus on unclipping the seatbelt even if that means the baby going underwater for a moment? But what if the whole thing sinks? Then addressed, in every case, by 'do a basic risk assessment, be prepared for likely incidents, be alert, act sensibly, then most of these imagined risks evaporate or would easily be avoided, or dealt with'. Day after day.

The experience of going through that process, then doing the thing, is an important part of the positive feedback required to move forwards and become gradually less anxious, as confidence in your own competence, plus evidence that world is not out to get you, increases.

Not acting, not trying, feeds a negative feedback loop and you get worse.

I am another who would have laughed and said nice try and walked off.

It used to enrage me when people asked is dh baby-sitting? I'd always go.. no he is parenting his children I don't pay him.

I would have just walked out. Its called trying it on.

My DD is 20 months and every morning when my DH goes to work I feel really twisted up about being on my own with her to the point of feeling quite queasy. This is absolutely no reflection on my DD, she’s a lovely kid, bright funny etc, yet I find it immensely hard to face the day. But I do, 15 minutes at a time.

I think the clear sexism of his comment is communicating to everyone that even if he was panicking he still fundamentally believed it was YOUR job to look after them not his. I get it, I went to to see friends this week who I hadn’t seen in months, and the anxiety about being around people I actually really really like was horrible. I was snappy and wound up all morning in the build up. But if you have something like GAD you have a responsibility to try to get past it not use it as a shield.

[quote delishUsh]@Iggly no, but that is why it's important to read all Op's messages.
[/quote]
Yes, it’s easy to quickly scan all OP messages. As I have just done. That’s a pisstake to tell someone else to though, when you’re the one dropping the massive backtracking dripfeed 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it was his anxiety that made him not want to be on his own with the twins, why didn't he say that, rather than saying that as the mum you needed to be there

Did he panic and make the comment because you didn't give him enough advance notice of your haircut? Not saying that you should have done this btw.

@Indigopearl

I think if you can't risk leaving children with their father you should not be with said father.

this, all of this, with bells on.

FFS. Millions of people with anxiety manage to look after their own children.

Tell him to grow the hell up and parent his own children. By himself. When required.

anxiety is not an excuse to be unable to look after your own children.

i've had GAD since i was 17, and successfully managed to raise 2 kids, (partly with a man i couldn't trust to leave them with, and i subsequently left) one of whom is disabled.

I am agog that he would say this! My DH has his flaws as we all do, but I left him with my bf baby and toddler for a night and day (with loads of expressed milk) so I could have some quality time with my sister. My kids have always preferred me (as the main carer) to do things for them, but I have always redirected them to daddy if we are both there. This probably sounds incredibly sexist but I think men generally will float to whatever the minimum level their OH demands of them. I wasn’t prepared to be a single parent, I would have divorced him. He knew that. I was a sahp at the time as well. He still has to be a competent dad not another child. Looking after your children alone is an absolutely basic dad 101 thing.

Okay, rant over . Seriously though, women demand more or leave.

That should say I wasn’t prepared to be a single parent and continue the relationship

Yes, it would be worth asking him what he thinks should happen where it's the mother with GAD and the dad who's healthy.