Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

[Topofthepopicles]

As far as the GAD, many many women look after their children safely with PND, Anxiety, PTSD. It’s not ideal and it’s flipping awful. But we don’t get men routinely saying “my wife has PND so I’m going to book nursery and take dependents leave so she is never having to care for the children alone at any time”. If they are good and kind they will do all they can to relive burdens but an hour of childcare is not asking too much. If he is so unwell he can’t look after his children for an hour at any point in 3 years then I would be ringing his care co-ordinator.

[Couchbettato]

Really he's responsible for seeking help to manage his anxiety.

He's not managing his anxiety and that's what makes the things he said stupid not to mention sexist as fuck.

If he really feels like he can't be a parent because of his anxiety he needs to seek help and probably shouldn't live with children he is legally responsible for.

[Iggly]

[quote delishUsh]@Iggly no, but that is why it's important to read all Op's messages.
[/quote]
You didn’t mention it until 3-4 posts in, once it all kicked off

Either way, I think you’re excusing his behaviour.

[LauraFlashley]

What a strange thread.

Why ask the question then tell everyone he has GAD and probably isn't capable of looking after them on his own (which I actually very much doubt).

[LauraFlashley]

I think it's more of a case of not wanting to take responsibility. DH doesn't particularly like cooking but he will stick a pizza in the oven or steam some veg because he is an adult and realises that running a home is a shared responsibility.

[Franklydear]

Ok @delishUsh we are judging harshly with an incomplete picture, so does he ever go anywhere on his own? walking, train, driving? Is he ever home alone? Does he work unsupervised?
Not the same, but I have a disable dc, parenting is hard, he is a teen and the answer to all of the abode is no, he doesn’t cos it’s not safe, so one of us, or paid childcare, school,... is always with him, not normal at all for a child their age but needs must, now sometimes parents of healthy dc think I am doing a rot for my own back and just need to remove the net, they are wrong, is it the same for you? Has someone always need to be at home? Always take with/ going with everywhere? Never unsupervised at work?

[Ideasplease322]

I am shocked you are still with him.

He is a sexist idiot. I know a lot of amazing parents who have GAD - he is using it as an excuse.

Do you really want your children goring up thinking fathers do bugger all and mums carry the full load.

Again - he is sexist and lazy.

[Fizzbangwallop]

I would have said ‘see you later’ and gone for my haircut as planned.

I’m sure GAD is difficult to live with, but when he made that remark he had had three years of being a parent to learn coping strategies. Surely part of his therapy has been to deal with his problems with medication, breathing techniques or whatever else is necessary? You should never have let this situation continue and insisted he spent regular time alone with the children.

[OldChinaJug]

Blimey. These threads really irritate me.

My ex husband, for all his faults, would have been furious at any suggestion he was a less capable parent than me because he was a man!

I went away for the week on my own when ours were little (I came home the day before the youngest's first birthday) and, aside from the fact there were piles of clean laundry in the living room that he hadn't had chance to put away, the place was spotless and he'd done everything, including arranging a first birthday party, making party bags for the guests and baked a birthday cake. He loved it but said he was knackered and completely underestimated the workload with a baby!

[whistlers]

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Paralysed? Really?

[HurryUpAndWait23]

OP - my husband can't look after his own children.

Replies - what a crap dad.

OP - what?! He's an amazing dad, it's not his fault! He has GAD! Why are you slating him?! Leave Britney alone!

[BumbleMug]

@Indigopearl

I think if you can't risk leaving children with their father you should not be with said father.

This.

Poor you and those poor kids.

[52andblue]

@Couchbettato

I think he way pulling your leg and he has been for a long time!

I would have walked out and closed the door.

Staying would have just contributed to his learned helplessness. Stop putting your needs off because he's a shit dad.

Don't enable him.

ExH was like this. He seemed okay, till we had kids. Then he 'couldn't' do anything because: 'I am dyslexic, they're difficult, you do it better, I'm tired, they're stressful' All the reason why he couldn't Parent them.
I took care of my two kids with ASD (2 years apart) whilst on crutches with NO support whilst he looked on (& walked in/out but that's another story). He had a temper, so I NEVER left them alone with him.

They are now 16 & 14 and he just took them for a 4 day camp trip. I lent the tent & my car as otherwise they'd not get a trip (I don't drive, they don't cope with Scouts etc) and I wanted them to have a break.

exH had no real 'excuse' - he was / is just lazy / Disney 'dad'.
I would have done the same as you (perhaps for different reasons) but it's awful, for you at the time, and for the kids as they get older.
They don't have much respect for him, yet still love him (he is their Dad), and feel conflicted about how he behaves towards me (badly). It's pretty toxic. I should have got out earlier. He won't behave as an adult around me & they have saw far too much of that.

[Sunflowerfieldsofgold]

OP, you're getting so much hate on here. Not what you came for but easy to say someone is a shut person from one encounter.
I dont think OP is getting hate, its just hard to hear the reality that your DH is a useless father.
Cognitive dissonance develops to protect OP from reality.
She asked the question and is getting realistic but hard to take answers.
No one actually wants to hear that their DH is abusive .

[TheSunShinesBrighter]

@Galassia

“Pretend that I have died for the next three hours!” Then walked out the door.

OMG! I wish I had thought of that years ago! 🤣

[JustLoveYourselfALittle]

I'd of said. Have fun. I'm off see you in a few hours. And gone for lunch too.
Now he'll expect you to cancel every time.

[gunnersgold]

He sounds like a terrible Dad , he doesn't pull his weight ! Is he usually as weak ? You should parent as a team and he gets to have them as much as you and you can have your hair cut ffs.

[52andblue]

I've not read the whole thread admittedly but defo no 'hate' from me.
But I would hate to think of OP wasting as many years as I did with a person who either can't or won't take any responsibility for parenting.
Hopefully, he will improve and it's just learned helplessness.
Hopefully, OP will feel able to simply hand him the responsibility & walk away for a few hours - its a risk, depending on how hopeless he is.

[Panickingpavlova]

"it's time you learned how to to be their daddy then" (you wet fuck)

[Wheretobuy]

@delishUsh

Up until then he'd never had them on his own for more than 20 minutes. They slept that whole time anyway.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

Bloody hell OP. Leave him to it. Don’t enable him.

[ButteringMyArse]

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Paralysed with sexism?

Because you evidently thought it was fine for him to have them until that point. You would not have made the plans you did if you actually considered it a realistic possibility that his GAD would cause him to freeze. The possibility was only introduced when you wanted him to do something he didn't fancy.

The reason you're still mulling over this five years later is because you know his behaviour was wrong and he was swinging the lead.

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

I'd have just left him to it,he'd have found a way.

Nothing comes between me and a haircut.

If dh who had no experience of babies can look after tiny prem ds then pretty sure anyone can.

[Terhou]

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
But what changed? If you realistically thought he'd be paralysed surely you wouldn't have made the appointment in the first place. You changed your mind simply because he suddenly claimed it would be stressful, but presumably neither of you thought it would be a problem up to that point.

Does he get paralysed at work?