Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.

FFS OP, you are actively contributing to your own misfortune with this attitude.

How do YOU cope, when you are feeling down & stressed?
How do you think mothers with diagnosed GAD cope?

That's right - they just get on with it.

The fact that you refuse to leave your children alone with their own father for a couple of hours is just bolstering your DH's helpless act. Stop mollycoddling the man.

What you should do though is tell him that's what the future holds if he doesn't pull himself together. Give him one chance to see sense.

Has he ever taken them to the dentist, opticians, uniform shopping, bought their cooking ingredients, remembered to buy a present for the party they're going to next weekend... etc etc?

Of course he has!

Sworn at him and walked off. If he doesn’t know how to be a parent he should
Learn

At least answer why you would stay with someone so incapacitated they can't look after their dc the minute they start squabbling and haven't got more advanced treatment for this clearly incorrect diagnosis.
Awful behaviour. And setting a terrible example for your dc with his comments.

His GAD might or might not be a reason he can't look after the twins on his own (shit for you if that isn't going to change and in that case he should look into ways he can mitigate that eg get some paid help do you can have a break)

But that's not the reason he gave so it's irrelevant
He gave a sexist reason 'because you are mummy and I am not'
He was trying to say he can't look after his children because he is male which is not something he should get away with because it's clearly untrue. Loads of dads are primary caregivers or even lone parents

Or maybe he was trying to say that ' to our children you are mummy' = you are the default parent, the one they are most attached to and will cry for. This is probably true and he will find it harder to look after them than you but it's not a good excuse not to try at all and just means he needs to step up and try harder.

I believe the OP realises that the situation wasn't ideal otherwise she wouldn't have posted. And I also think it is not ideal for any parent to feel unable to deal with their children for long periods of time and absolutely do many step up when the need arises - both mothers and father. Yes many more mothers as it is usually how it ends up.

Regardless, I also genuinely believe that once you are in a situation as described, the first thing you should consider is why he feels anxious and out of his depth and then try and understand or at least see it from his point of view. You can always walk away if you feel it's totally unreasonable. But I wouldn't walk away based in one situation (even if it's symptomatic of something bigger up until that point). And for some families it simply works differently to others.

Hopefully her DH has recognised that his role as a father to twins is (whilst seriously stressful im sure) such that he has to be able to care for them alone for some periods. Only because many other people can step up because they have to doesn't mean that an individual who struggles with it is a bad human and parent. We are all learning and nobody is perfect.

You should have been going out and leaving him with them well before they were 3. That kind of helplessness is ridiculous. My children's father is far from ideal but he was able to look after them for a few hours alone. You need to do something to change this and really the only way is to start giving him the responsibility.

Actually, thinking about it, what would happen if you had to go away for work for a few days? Would he cope then, and if not why not? They are 8 now, not tiny babies.

I could go away for work safe in the knowledge that DS wouldn't even notice my absence - DH would take him out for the day, or sometimes away for a few days to the seaside, or just stay home and do normal stuff with him. No worries. That is how it should be. Anxiety can be crippling, yes, but a parent with anxiety works bloody hard to overcome it - I have, I had a nervous breakdown when DS was small and couldn't get out of bed some days, but when DH was at work or busy elsewhere, I parented. I saw a psychiatrist, took medication, went to group sessions, sorted out the thing that had caused my breakdown (a bullying manager at work). Anxiety doesn't stop you functioning, just makes it much harder. But when you have kids, you have to just push through.

It’s certainly not him acknowledging his anxiety making general statements about dads don’t look after children, mummies do. Did you ever tell him how you felt about having twins so a lot of work and never feeling ok leaving them, with him saying things like that? Seems like a little honesty might be good for your relationship.
It is hard to relate as I actively encouraged mine to do everything except breastfeed from when they were born, he would put them in the carrier and go for walks. And ignored any comments or expectations I parent him to parent.

Dp is actually a great dad and although he still isn't confident looking after them for long periods, he can take them on days out, cinema trips etc.

I'm beginning to think you are teasing us OP.

Or do you genuinely not perceive that you are married to a man who refuses to care for his own children, because he knows his wife will enable his uselessness as a parent?

I think people are shocked because these are 3 year olds. I am far from being Mother of the Year but even I could cope for a few hours with a couple of three year olds. All he has to do is keep them fed and whole for a few hours.

I would have left them with him if this was arranged. I would not have let my hairdresser plus myself down because he has anxiety. If he would have become paralysed with anxiety because of looking after his children, then he would need a strategy tbh, because if he said im not the mummy, id have said, well you are for now until ive had my haircut.

I also have GAD by the way, and asd and add, and yes there have been times where ive felt it very difficult to manage, but parents arent helpers. Theyre parents and if he had to stay in the front room with them with a dvd for a couple of hours, so be it

"I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time."

You can't just post one discrete comment and not expect people to fill in the gaps. My ex was awful to me. I still would have got my haircut. The very fact you are defending him in subsequent posts suggests to me you are not ready to hear the reality of your situation. He is your partner. The man you have chosen to have children with. He is a father. You absolutely have needs. If you continue to deny your own needs just to facilitate his you are modelling a deeply unhealthy relationship for your children. I suspect there is more. But consider this. What if you had to go to hospital?

He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Wait, did he balk because he ‘isn’t a mummy’ or because he was anxious? There’s a difference.

Did he suddenly decide he was too scared to look after his own 3 year olds? The situation seems to be drifting from what you first wrote.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

Sounds as if you might have been trained to do all the heavy lifting of the parenting role.

Solution for me would be to make sure he gets plenty of practice from now on, since practice makes perfect.

He would obvs have to want to learn, in order for it to work. Does he want to parent ?

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
Yes. I literally don’t believe that his anxiety would get to that point. He is their parent. He’s using it as a brilliant way of controlling you and look how well it’s worked.

He may be shit but tbf some women set df up for failure by insisting parenting is done their way.
We don't know how much the OP has undermined her dh parenting.
My dh was confident with dc because I treated him like an equal partner.

Fathers confidence is built up by parenting their children.
Just like mothers. It's not an award handed out by their wives/partners.
Nor is it women's responsibility or fault if the father fails to step up, @Debetswell.

Every parent has to learn from scratch. Having XX chromosomes does not confer any special knowledge or parenting skills. .

[quote delishUsh]@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?

[/quote]
I might not have walked out at that moment, but it would spell the end of the relationship. Who needs that klind of dead-weight in their life when they have young children to look after.

Sorry, OP. But you'll end up resenting your partner so much you'll want to kick him out onto the street head first within the next 12 months. The fact that you are even posting here about how useless he is and that he is not even fit to function as a "babysitter", is not a good sign.

So in fact his being 'paralysed with anxiety' whilst in charge of them is not something that has actually happened but something he fears will happen and is therefore avoiding ie it is pathological avoidance

I would have gone and got my haircut
I would have done that for his sake as much as my own.
Aged 8 and in their own home for a few hours I really fail to see that there will be any major safety issue. I initially thought they would be babies.

If he had in fact managed to look after them without an attack or indeed had one and still got through it then it proves to him he can do it. Avoidance is a major maintaining factor in anxiety and needs to be challenged or it only makes things worse. It is a coping strategy that becomes a major part of the problem.

He needs to see a psychologist, do CBT and actively work on challenging his anxious cognitions and you need to stop enabling them. It isn't true that 8 year old twins will be at huge risk of harm in their own home form some slightly less than adequate parenting for a few hours. What's the worst that can happen? He forgets to make food? He wangs them in front of the TV for a few hours? They argue and fight and he doesn't intervene- they need to learn to sort themselves out a bit at 8. Someone cries and strops off to their room for a while surely.

Book another haircut and tell him that you will be going, you have every faith that he is able to do it and then follow through on that. Work up to an evening out, a day out and then a weekend away. This is normal. This is what you should be enjoying by now.

"delishUsh
@WhoopsieFairy thank you.

For those of you saying you would have just walked out, would you still do that knowing that the person caring for your dc could have a period of being paralyzed and unable to help your dc if they needed it?


Yes. I literally don’t believe that his anxiety would get to that point. He is their parent. He’s using it as a brilliant way of controlling you and look how well it’s worked."

This. Recognise what he is doing. When my children were small my brother was in the depths of heroin addiction. My youngest brother had died in a car accident a few years before. I was on medication. But I had children. Who needed me. You absolutely step up and don't expect anyone else to do this.

This is so dysfunctional I don't know where to begin. Forget his needs. Think of your children and what they are witnessing here.

@delishUsh

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

So what? I have Cptsd, I still manage to parent my child, as do many many many mothers with mental health issues. Interesting how many more men use their mental health as an excuse for not parenting than women do

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.

What others would have said or done is completely irrelevant to your situation.

If my DH said that I'd laugh and probably make a joke about boobs. My DH doesn't have GAD though, there's no reason he shouldn't be able to look after our children.

If my husband did have GAD I'd be much more sympathetic but I'm not sure I'd cancel my appointment either.
My friend has epilepsy and can zone out several times a day, she's still the primary carer for her children.

@ChargingBuck

*He may be shit but tbf some women set df up for failure by insisting parenting is done their way. We don't know how much the OP has undermined her dh parenting. My dh was confident with dc because I treated him like an equal partner.*

Fathers confidence is built up by parenting their children.
Just like mothers. It's not an award handed out by their wives/partners.
Nor is it women's responsibility or fault if the father fails to step up, @Debetswell.

Every parent has to learn from scratch. Having XX chromosomes does not confer any special knowledge or parenting skills. .

The part of your comment "it's not an award handed out by their wives/partners" stuck out to me.

ChargingBuck, you are of course right, nobody gets awards for parenting but I do believe that doling out appreciation for things well done is helpful in a relationship. If both mother and father appreciated each others efforts a little more, then perhaps many fathers (and mothers) would be happier about taking on more responsibilities. I guess I also understand why some people may think: why do I have to give thanks for something that should be self speaking? And I actually spent a lot of the early months of my ds life thinking that way. It simply led nowhere. Now both my DH and I try and be more appreciative of one another (requires effort especially if you have a bit of an ego), our day to day life is easier and we feel closer.

OP, by hearing, understanding and appreciating your husband's difficulties, you are opening up a way for him to be honest about his feelings with you and supporting the possibility for real change for him. Breaking up is never not an option at the end of the day when everything has been tried. It just shouldn't be the first one in this case, in my opinion anyway. Bearing in mind I obviously don't know your relationship as well as you do yourself OP .

To be harsh your part of the problem he will never get the skill or confidence to lone parent if you don't let him you shouldn't of cancelled.

Moving forward you need to sort this a win win twins get time with dad his confidence builds and you get free time.

I can complely see why you've done this and it's not a criticism but it need to change .