Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

[EssentialHummus]

But a diagnosis of GAD doesn't mean you have to be shit at parenting. If you have anxiety (and you're an adult and a decent person) you sit down with your partner and together work out how you can still parent alongside your anxiety. And you get professional help.

This. To answer your question I'd have replied, I'm leaving now, I'll be back by 3pm. I'd suggest you do x and y with them, and if they want a snack offer some fruit. (And that's already well into the territory of shit both parents should know.)

I think it is unnecessarily indulgent to go into a Freudian meta-analysis of your husband and his internalised perception of mummy v daddy roles as they are impacted by his anxiety. No one has time for this shit. You just bloody get on with it.

[OxanaVorontsova]

I went on a school trip (that I’d organised) for a week when our twins were 18 months old. Didn’t even occur to me that DH wouldn’t cope. Glad your DH has improved OP.

[delishUsh]

@Dragon50

So he did their care on a daily basis but only if you were there/in the room?

What was/is he scared of in looking after them solo?

As long as I was in the house.
Since they were born he has worried they will fall ill or have an accident and he would become paralyzed by his anxiety and not be able to get them help. He is on medication and has a psychiatrist he still sees.

I have given way more info than I intended to on this thread but now feel I need to to give the full picture.

[Muchasgracias]

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

So did you directly say to him “I’m not leaving the DTs in your care because I genuinely can’t trust you to stay alert and keep them safe”? …(so many men would happily accept this knowing it keeps them safe from duty).

Because otherwise I think this is enabling behaviour on your part and a convenient excuse to avoid the difficult conversations you need to have, and it turns you into a bit of a martyr.

For my part I’d have (and have done) skipped out the door and said “good luck, byeeeee”.

[DaxtheDestroyer]

He just couldn't have them on his own for long periods of time.

Why, though? What would happen if he did?

[DaphneDeloresMoorhead]

One of my friends has GAD, she is a single mum to two kids and works. Her ex is a nightmare and makes life difficult for her.
Yet she still manages to cope with looking after her children on her own for days at a time. As do loads of other women.

[Onthebrink87]

I'd would've asked how he'd fancy going it alone every other weekend.

The criticism of your 'DH' is very much warranted. I have crippling GAD and ADHD and get overwhelmed easily and I'm embarrassed for him. I'm not sure what you wanted to gain from the post as it seems you're more than happy to continue enabling the behaviour.

[WouldBeGood]

Handy worry for a man with clear ideas on sex specific roles to have.

[AlternativePerspective]

I think my eXH’s youngest DS was about 6 months old when his DP went away somewhere for the weekend. I know it was less than a year because my DS stayed over there that weekend and mentioned it.

I never left DS that young because I didn’t want to, but ex would have been perfectly capable of looking after him if I had.

I think that holding on to a comment like that for 5 years is a clear indication that you know he’s a crap parent and that essentially having children has removed your own autonomy as an individual because you will always feel as if you’re the only one responsible for your DC.

If you split he would likely not even see them as he’s incapable of looking after them, which is likely why you haven’t left him.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@delishUsh

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.

The best I can tell you is that GAD isn't totally debilitating and, no matter how anxious he gets, he can ovecome if, if he wants to, puts in some serious work on himself, gets all the outside help he can and then just goes with it.

He is verbalising his initial, intense anxiety and you are reacting to it by taking away the stressor. Relieving him of the neeed to decide how he can cope.

Does he work?

Does he walk along the road and cross busy streets?

Does he drive? Catch public transport?

What else does he completely remove himself from because he can't cope?

What does he manage well, despite being anxious?

He may not be a shit dad, but how would you know if he hasn't ried? He is being lazy with his GAD and needs to decide to properly manage it. It isn't a life sentence, nor is it an excuse to opt out. It is manageable and he needs to choose to learn how to.

[TheWeeDonkey]

You must be new here. Becayse when you present your husband as a snap shot of pathetic ans shit to sixteen million people on line they are going to take you at your word, and not being able to look after his own kids for a couple of hours would indeed be classified as shit and pathetic.

I agree with this, I know a lot of people who do this and it really gives a bad impession of their partner and in turn gives me a bad impression of them. Just think about how you present yourself and your partner to the world.

With regards to the anxiety, its a terrible condition, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We're not to blame for our illnesses, but as adults we are responsible for managing them.

[bigbaggyeyes]

Dp is actually a great dad

No he's not, he's an appalling Dad.

[Franklydear]

@DaxtheDestroyer he would have to look after them😮

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

He is on medication and has a psychiatrist he still sees. How long has he been doing this?

Have you noticed any change?

To be honest Iwould expect someone in his position to have seen your haircut as an opportunity to put into practice everything he has learned about controlling his GAD. And for you to have reminded him that that is what he is supposed to be doing!

Make another appointment somewhere and go... he won't change of neither of you force him to put into practice the coping mechanisms he should have put in place. You will always be 100% 'mummy' if you don't make your own stand!

[Terhou]

He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them.

I'd have said "Well, now's your chance to work it out" and walked out.

[userchange902]

I'd have laughed at the joke and walked out. But my DH wouldn't ever dream of saying (or thinking) something so stupid, let alone let me cancel an appointment.

[Faevern]

You asked what others would do and most people would have laughed in disbelief and said jog on. If GAD stops you looking after your DC’s how do women with PND manage to be alone? And he didn’t say oh I’m really anxious he said I don’t know what to do.

You rescued him then by cancelling your hair appointment and now you’re doing it again by feeling you need to defend him on here. I think a great DH (never mind great dad) would have stepped up to give his wife a break while she had her hair done, despite his GAD.

[Roomonb]

I have GAD, I don’t have an option I get on with it. It’s amazing how many women don’t get to not parent because of health/mental health/ job/ hobbies.

[Chikapu]

@delishUsh

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.

Throws husband under the bus then acts all snippy when people queue up to reverse it over him. What did you expect from this thread really?

[TooManyPlatesInMotion]

I would have ignored his comments and walked out the door for my haircut.

[Dragon50]

You mentioned he only looked after them the odd 20mins while you showered then said he did care as long as you were in the house? Bit of a disconnect there.

Ok, so coping mechanisms needed to be put in place. If at 3 he was worried he wouldn’t cope with illness or accident to the point you cancelled an appointment then I would have discussed what to do in such an instance.

Maybe he should have pointed out those concerns rather than view childcare as a ‘mother job’.

[Terhou]

Does he work? How does he deal with stress at work?

[topcat2014]

I couldn't manage being such a drip of a father..

[MrsMcTats]

It's always assumed mothers have some magical knowledge of how to care for children, when in fact the only way you become confident is by doing it. Why do mums become so proficient? Because we are always bloody doing it (no matter what medical conditions we have)! I had a friend who complained her DH did everything 'wrong', so she couldn't leave her DD with him. In fact, he was never left alone with her to get some experience and was so worried he'd do something 'wrong' it made him a nervous wreck. We have to stop treating dads as incompetents and let them learn and make mistakes just as us mothers have done countless times.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I simply would not be with somebody this useless and misogynistic. I'd sooner be a single parent. Which is exactly what happened.