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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 30/07/2021 15:02

Better late than never.

cloudysummerday · 30/07/2021 15:04

Personally if I offered to take someone else's child for a weekend away I would absolutely not expect a contribution or a big thank you or anything!

Presumably they invited your daughter because they wanted her there and enjoyed her company. Going back 6 weeks later with money is like you're paying them to have had your daughter, but it was a weekend alway, not childcare!

Maybe if it was a situation where they were specifically paying for her accommodation - but then I would expect a discussion with you about whether you were happy to contribute.

Similarly if I have a child for a play date I don't expect or want any particular thanks or contribution, I'm having the child round because it's a pleasure to have them playing with my child. (Well not always tbh as my ds2 likes quite wild friends but still I love the fact that he enjoys their company 😁!)

doscervesas · 30/07/2021 15:06

I guess it depends on what costs were incurred by the hosts, ie hotel room, meals, entry to amusement parks etc, but YES you should definitely offer a financial contribution, say c. £5-10 per day for food and any misc costs paid on her behalf by the hosts.

Good grief, the first sentence of the first post tells us that they went to the family's holiday home in Cornwall for the weekend.
We haven't been told of any expensive visits to theme parks etc. Maybe they just spent a couple of days on the beach.

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Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 15:12

am not sure that manners have anything to do with money.

Of course they do. Manners are about thoughtfulness and making the other person comfortable/not taking advantage which is influenced by finances. You gift what you can afford. After a certain point the gift becomes a burden to everyone because the other party can't afford it. That line changes according to circumstances. When you're just starting out in life and everyone's struggling, you offer to bring pudding when invited for a meal but twenty years later you probably don't because the other party can absorb the costs.

LittleOverWhelmed · 30/07/2021 15:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 30/07/2021 15:12

It was a weekend away at their second home, so I doubt they expected any kind of contribution (the only cost would have been food!) . I wouldn't expect a contribution in those circumstances, just pocket money for buying a souvenir or whatever. A heartfelt thanks would be sufficient.

MuckyPlucky · 30/07/2021 15:13

God, I’m both squirming with horror and laughing in derision, reading these responses.

I’m on hol currently with my 2 DC’s and invited one of their friends to stay-on for a few days instead of going home today with his mum who’d been down here in a nearby cottage. I’m totally skint, single parent, watching the pennies, BUT… I wouldn’t DREAM of accepting any money off his mum for his stay with us. He’s a lovely lad (I wouldn’t have offered if he wasn’t!), he’s keeping my kids entertained so I can chill-out, it doesn’t cost much more, and we ‘owe’ his mum a couple of sleepovers anyhow. I figure it all balances out over the years of playdates/sleepovers/park trips etc. If we were to ever recompense eachother as a “thanks” we’d maybe shove a bottle of Aldi wine to eachother as a “cheers mate”.

All this talk of sending half-cases of champagne, or “flower bundles” with ridiculously verbose & formal thank you letters is INSANE!!!

Clymene · 30/07/2021 15:13

If your child car for the weekend to my holiday home, I'd be happy with a card

Happytodayhappytomorrow · 30/07/2021 15:14

Please don't send champagne. I know I'm only speaking for myself but I really don't like the stuff at all and it would be such a waste. Grin

A lovely card with the wording suggested by Citrusicecream I think is perfect, along with some flowers or perhaps a token gift voucher for M&S, John Lewis or similar.

You will probably find that your DC was invited to make it easier/nicer for the other child (we've done just that in the past with our DCs) so please don't feel you need to now be offering £££.

PinkLilyPinkRose · 30/07/2021 15:15

This thread is hilarious.

If you really think you haven’t thanked them properly, a bunch of flowers and nice note would be more than sufficient.

I think most normal people would be mortified to receive half a case of champagne for taking their kid for a couple of days. Don’t people usually invite other kids to entertain their child a bit? It’s already a win-win.

Original poster
bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 15:15

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. I have sent a modest but nice bunch of flower and add a ' belated thanks' type message. No mention of financial contribution.

For those that asked, DD is 12 and spent the £20 on sweets, an ice cream and bought £12 back! They certainly did pay for things (2x service station meals, dinner out, beach fish and chips etc) but not organised activities or anything as far as I'm aware. The family are very well off (assuming home ownership is a true indication of wealth) so I'm sure wouldn't have expected any payment but I still believe I should have at least offered and will do if they take her again but certainly won't insist or make a big deal of it. Dds friend comes for sleepovers regularly anyway but we aren't in a position offer a holiday or weekend away unless they want to camp.
Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Killahangilion · 30/07/2021 15:16

I would hate a case of wine or similar OTT gift.

Surely the appropriate response is a reciprocal invitation to stay at yours either as a few play dates or a sleep-over, especially if their daughter is an only child.

I host lots of play dates for my DS in the hope of other parents returning the favour as the 9 weeks summer holidays are exceedingly long.

multivac · 30/07/2021 15:19

@bettybottersbetterbutter

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. I have sent a modest but nice bunch of flower and add a ' belated thanks' type message. No mention of financial contribution.

For those that asked, DD is 12 and spent the £20 on sweets, an ice cream and bought £12 back! They certainly did pay for things (2x service station meals, dinner out, beach fish and chips etc) but not organised activities or anything as far as I'm aware. The family are very well off (assuming home ownership is a true indication of wealth) so I'm sure wouldn't have expected any payment but I still believe I should have at least offered and will do if they take her again but certainly won't insist or make a big deal of it. Dds friend comes for sleepovers regularly anyway but we aren't in a position offer a holiday or weekend away unless they want to camp.
Thanks again everyone.

I'm sure that will be absolutely fine, OP. Glad you weren't worried by some of the more... um, extreme responses into forking out for fancy wine and/or bouquets; or, god forbid, asking your daughter to calculate exactly how much had been spent on her so you could settle the tab!

PS and don't assume the friend wouldn't be up for camping, either :)

uktrippin · 30/07/2021 15:25

Golly gosh, what were you thinking OP? Immediately courier half a case of good wine and approx £80. Be sure to start your apology message with the word "Shit" 😂

Ridiculous

MzHz · 30/07/2021 15:26

It’s a weekend! A half case of champagne? Good god! That’s embarrassingly overkill!

I take a friend of ds away with us every year, like 3wks in a villa somewhere nice, sure his mum/dad pay the flights but that’s it, I’d never want or expect anything because having him there makes things so much easier for ds and for us and I absolutely love having him

His mum sent flowers and a bottle of wine last year, but absolutely did not have to

I think she did cos because of Covid we didn’t go anywhere other than hang around the villa and the water and stuff and I was worried we’d not done enough but the boys insisted it was the best holiday ever cos they had their own big screen TV, could do what they wanted and had a brilliant time.

His parents always give him loads of spending money, he doesn’t need it, but he has free rein to treat himself and ds to whatever they want snack wise and I think that his parents feel better knowing he’s got cash with him.

So I see you have sent flowers, that’s super kind of you, a financial contribution wouldn’t be right I don’t think so I believe you’ve done the absolutely right thing.

MareofBeasttown · 30/07/2021 15:32

DS stayed overnight in his friend's house last week, and I didn't send so much as a can of lager, much less a case of champagne. He did tell me they had KFC! So maybe its's ok. Or maybe the mom is balefully contemplating her empty wine cooler at the moment.

Misbeehived · 30/07/2021 15:36

Would never expect anything from a guest, particularly from a child staying the weekend. I’d feel a bit Confused and maybe a little insulted if someone offered to pay and honestly much as I like champagne I’d think you a loon if you sent me a case. At most some beautiful flowers that showed you appreciated the time, had fun and wanted to make me smile would go down well.

Nothing transactional, I’d focus on kindness and friendship.

theemmadilemma · 30/07/2021 15:38

I think if a contribution was warranted or expected you'd have known up front. Usually it's just nice for the child to have company.

Nomorepies · 30/07/2021 15:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 15:41

I think some folks are missing the point, it’s not about the other parents expecting or wanting payment, it’s about the fact it’s incredibly rude not to offer and just expect your child to be paid for.

And as for this

“It 's a weird as being invited to diner and offering some cash towards the meal*

So If someone invited you to a restaurant, a mate said let’s go to x restaurant tonight, you’d expect them to pay? And you think it’s weird to pay your share? Bloody hell.

multivac · 30/07/2021 15:49

If I expected or wanted payment, Bluntness, I would make it clear from the start, so the other person could decide whether or not to accept the "invitation" with all the information up front. That is a really basic courtesy.

I wouldn't play some weird guessing game where I'd be silently expecting them to offer an amount they'd have to come up with, and then getting all high-horsey when they didn't read my mind.

WombatChocolate · 30/07/2021 15:49

We take a friend of DD on holiday every year.

We wouldn’t expect a contribution towards costs - we invite her and are happy to include her in all our holiday activities which include eating out each night and daily activities. These are our choice of food and activities and not hers….if we are in each night and didn’t do activities that would be our choice too.

The friend’s parents always thank us - usually by text. A couple of times they have taken our DD on holiday, but not most years. Some years they have taken her for a lovely day out, such as a theme park or to the theatre. This is lovely but we don’t expect it.

The first year we took her, they offered a contribution (in advance of the Hol and when we were in planning phase) and we made it clear we didn’t expect anything and it was our treat and we would enjoy her company. The first couple of years she had lots of cash with her and offered to pay a couple of times when there was a meal etc, but again we made clear there was no need and now she just brings a bit of pocket money.

A bit of communication BEFORE the event is helpful to ensure everyone is on the same page. Lots of people invite and expect to pay for everything, but MN also reveals some invite and then expect the child to pay for every penny of their costs..S o as always, COMMUNICATION is key and avoids misunderstandings.

And I think it’s still fine to send a thank you and a gift. I wouldn’t mention money at this stage. Any gift seems okay to me….you can overthink these things.

And how about planning a day trip where you take the girls for a lovely day out and treat the friend. That is a nice way to reciprocate too.

multivac · 30/07/2021 15:50

It 's a weird as being invited to diner and offering some cash towards the meal

Also, this is clearly referring to a meal in someone's house. Don't be so disingenuous.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 15:54

@Bluntness100

I think some folks are missing the point, it’s not about the other parents expecting or wanting payment, it’s about the fact it’s incredibly rude not to offer and just expect your child to be paid for.

And as for this

“It 's a weird as being invited to diner and offering some cash towards the meal*

So If someone invited you to a restaurant, a mate said let’s go to x restaurant tonight, you’d expect them to pay? And you think it’s weird to pay your share? Bloody hell.

well yeah actually. If I INVITE someone to a restaurant, I pay.

Actually, if I am spending a week holiday with a friend, I'd pay as a thank you. I am amazed you would be cheeky enough to split the bill!

And please go to the DM if you expect cash when you invite people at your house for diner...

When people meet in a restaurant, it's very different from inviting them... Bloody hell, I am cringing for your.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/07/2021 15:54

I'd never invite a friend for my child unless I was prepared to pay for them, so you only giving them spending money would be fine with me.

I wouldn't be bothered if it took you 6 weeks to send a thank you either, one thing the last 18 months as taught me if to be more accepting of other people's behaviour, most people are nice and life is busy. Send a nice card and some wine/flowers/restaurant vouchers.