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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
Amichelle84 · 30/07/2021 14:20

I wouldn't expect anything, but a card is a nice gesture and always lovely to receive.

Maybe next time you do a day trip or something you invite their child.

Definitely wouldn't discuss or put cash in a card - tacky.

Dogoodfeelgood · 30/07/2021 14:22

And also I would send a simple gift only - a bottle of wine or flowers not a case of wine as some have suggested. If they had paid to take your daughter away then maybe a more expensive gift would be appropriate but they just let their child have a friend for the weekend and your DD wouldn’t have added much extra expense for them.

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 14:22

When I was 12 I went on holiday with a friend and her mum and step dad.

My parents, at the hosts request, paid quite a large contribution. Think paying full price for a hotel room on the stopover which was shared with my friend. Years later my mum told me far more than what was realistically “my share”.

On the two occasions I ate out with the family the step dad complained about how much my meal was costing. Most evenings my friend and I were sent to a cafe to fend for ourselves. My friend was given money explicitly to but herself something. I was left to my own devices.

It was awful. Especially as it was clear looking back that I was only really invited to keep my friend out the way in the evenings.

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MiddleParking · 30/07/2021 14:22

If I’m totally honest I’d rather have as much Shloer as one could carry, but I suspect it’s not the done thing.

MrsFezziwig · 30/07/2021 14:24

Half a case of champagne as a thank you for a couple of nights away in a home they already own, keeping their DD company?

Only on Mumsnet.

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 14:26

I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!

It's called hospitality?

MrsFezziwig · 30/07/2021 14:27

My friend has just invited me for tea tonight. WIBU to offer her a champagne and flower “bundle” (that’s champagne and flowers for the old skool types like me)

ScrollingLeaves · 30/07/2021 14:29

@PegasusReturns
How horrible that sounds. What unpleasant parents.

shenanigans5 · 30/07/2021 14:30

Half a case of champagne or good wine is crass under the circumstances. I’d be embarrassed to receive it.

Fiddliestofsticks · 30/07/2021 14:31

@caughtinanet

What are you so confused by? Every online florist I've ever used has bundles, so you can send a bouquet on it's own or choose a bundle with chocolates or with wine or all together. They're called bundles.

It's the same as a Nintendo switch bundle, where you get the switch and 2 games as part of a special offer. Just two or more items put together in a bundle. What are you on about with pretending you don't know that?

2bazookas · 30/07/2021 14:31

The weird thing was that you let your child go away with strangers you'd never met.

JennieLee · 30/07/2021 14:32

It's just the weekend and to a place that the family owns.

Your daughter was keeping her friend company - which presumably meant that everybody was happy.

I'd agree with having the friend for a sleepover, or making some return gesture. But it's not a big deal.

People who own second homes can be assumed to be pretty well off, so if they did take her out to a cafe or buy some ice creams, I'd say it this was pretty much small change. (If I knew parents were skint/on a modest income I'd be more likely to enquire beforehand as to whether some sort of contribution would be appreciated.)

MareofBeasttown · 30/07/2021 14:35

@JennieLee

It's just the weekend and to a place that the family owns.

Your daughter was keeping her friend company - which presumably meant that everybody was happy.

I'd agree with having the friend for a sleepover, or making some return gesture. But it's not a big deal.

People who own second homes can be assumed to be pretty well off, so if they did take her out to a cafe or buy some ice creams, I'd say it this was pretty much small change. (If I knew parents were skint/on a modest income I'd be more likely to enquire beforehand as to whether some sort of contribution would be appreciated.)

Well exactly. If I were taking a child on an expensive holiday with lots of paid activities and entrance fees, I might consider a contribution. But for a weekend at a holiday home? I don't need anything in "return."
Buffoonborisisatwat · 30/07/2021 14:35

@bettybottersbetterbutter

Thanks guys I really like the suggestion of an honest time has flown but belated thanks and I will send some flowers and a note today. Do you think I should mention financial contribution? To be honest that's the bit I'm really embarrassed about as it's so presumptuous to send your child off for the weekend and not offer to pay Blush
I guess it depends on what costs were incurred by the hosts, ie hotel room, meals, entry to amusement parks etc, but YES you should definitely offer a financial contribution, say c. £5-10 per day for food and any misc costs paid on her behalf by the hosts.

I'm amazed both sets of parents didn't have this conversation at the time of the invitation or some time before the holiday.

How much of the £20 spends did your daughter come home with?

SueSaid · 30/07/2021 14:37

You don't send cases of champagne, Jesus she went to Cornwall for a weekend not the Caribbean for a month.

Your dd said thanks, you said thanks before and after. That is plenty.

We've taken many a dc away with us and all they've brought is pocket money, it's fine!

Needmoresleep · 30/07/2021 14:39

I would not worry. People invite other children because they want company for their own child. People accept that they may have more money than others.

A future invitation for the child is fine. Our son was once invited on a two week posh private cruise in the Med, by a rather famous family. We invited the grandmother, who lived with the family but who did not go on the trip, to dinner whilst she was alone, and later took the son out on a nice good outing. We thanked them for the first, they thanked us for our hospitality. Even.

In contrast a friend of my daughter's and her mother kept offering to pay when we took her out. It was so insistent that it was effectively insulting. We gave up including the daughter.

Anordinarymum · 30/07/2021 14:39

@bettybottersbetterbutter

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them. I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

I used to take my son's friend on holiday with us because my son was at an age (14) where if he did not either make a friend while on the holiday or take one with us, the holiday would be ruined with him moaning about how crap it was. I never expected the family to pay as I had asked. All the friend needed to bring was some pocket money. I was more than grateful just for the friend being there tbh.
SueSaid · 30/07/2021 14:39

'Do you think I should mention financial contribution? To be honest that's the bit I'm really embarrassed about'

No! I'm squirming on your behalf. Just take the friend out for the day in the rest of the hols, stop fretting about ott thanks and payments.

BoredZelda · 30/07/2021 14:40

Just ask your daughter how much she thinks was spent on her.

If I offer to take a friend away on holiday I'd be offended if they decided to estimate the cost to reimburse me. If I couldn't afford to bring them, I wouldn't have offered or would have asked for a contribution.

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 14:40

I think this is a class thing with no right or wrong answer.

If they're well enough off to have a holiday home there I highly doubt they're looking for petrol money.

caughtinanet · 30/07/2021 14:40

I've never used an online florist @Fiddliestofsticks I wasn't aware it was a compulsory thing to do

Are you hard of thinking in some way that means you can't comprehend that not everyone has heard everything that you've heard of?

Next time I come across something new I will be sure to ask you to bless me with the benefit of your knowledge of everything in the world.

And to further blow your mind I've never even seen an Nintendo Switch in real life I'm aware that it's a gaming device but again I missed the memo that everyone has to know what a bundle for it means Grin

rookiemere · 30/07/2021 14:41

We've taken DS friend away - met up half way through holiday and it's been so nice watching DS do stuff that's enjoyable for him without his boring DPs ( teen).

In our case his DM insisted on giving us a contribution- £100 - but I was also clear that we didn't ask or expect it. There have been a few pricey activities- theme park and mountain biking- but as this is our main holiday we'd budgeted to pay for the friend as well.

I think a note and bunch of flowers/ bottle of wine would be well received at this point. Or offer to have their DD for a sleepover

MumofSpud · 30/07/2021 14:46

A couple of years ago my DD (13) went to Cornwall for a week with her best friend's family.
She took:
spending money - I can't remember how much but I imagine no less than £50

Goodies (sweets for her and friend) / cake / beer and a couple of bottles of wine for the parents
Then on (safe!!) return we gave them a £70 voucher to a restaurant

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 14:47

@Paddling654

I think this is a class thing with no right or wrong answer.

If they're well enough off to have a holiday home there I highly doubt they're looking for petrol money.

I am not sure that manners have anything to do with money. An "invitation" has the same meaning whatever your class.

I'd love to know if some posters present a bill with the desert when they have friends for diner.

Feather12 · 30/07/2021 14:51

I honestly don’t think they ever expected any financial contribution. Your daughter was their guest. I think offering to have their child for the weekend is a great one though! You don’t have to go away anywhere but maybe have a few fun outings planned. You could say it was to thank them for their hospitality to your DD.

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