Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

Is there anywhere where women don't get pestered and harassed by men?

238 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 25/07/2021 12:32

I feel like in every single environment, public space, workplace etc theres men standing in the wings waiting to harass, peste and intimidate women. I'm nearly 40 and I remember dealing with this shit as a teenager and expecting it to get better - but it hasn't.

We know what it's like for women being harassed on the street and where that leads to - 2 out of 3 girls aged 14 to 21 have experienced harassment but I'm actually surprised it's not higher (it probably is in real life I don't know a single woman who's never experienced harassment) source: https://plan-uk.org/act-for-girls/street-harassment

My niece, who is 18, works at a fast food restaurant and was telling me yesterday that she has to deal with creeps on every single shift. Not just male colleagues invading her personal space, touching her back etc - but she has had to get her manager on more than one occasion to ask a drive thru customer to leave the premises because he won't drive away until she gave him her phone number. She's handed her notice in because the harassment has got so bad and is looking to do factory work where she doesn't have to deal with the public.

I am 20 years older than her and deal with it too even now. I have a game on my phone that I play thats a community based game - eg you can interact with others, swap items, go into each others 'worlds' etc. It's linked to my Facebook so a tiny version of my profile picture comes up next to my username, so people can see I'm female. I get about 15 messages from men a day ranging from explicit, which I report, to "hi lovely can we chat". I just want to play the fucking game without having to sift through creepy messages.

Where the fuck do men get off behaving like this? Who told them it was ok? The above are just 2 examples but it seems to be everywhere.

I feel like the onus is on all women to change too - change jobs, change our profile pictures, don't walk down certain streets, don't walk alone at night etc. No one ever talks about the onus being on all men

And yes NAMALT, but far too many are and it seems to be normalised, and maybe the "men who arent like that" should do their bit to help women and start calling out the men who are?

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 25/07/2021 23:14

Not RTFT

OP I think so but don't know where!

A few years back a UN rapporteur had this to say-

'She said sexism was worse in the UK than in other places, and warned that the government's austerity measures were having a "disproportionate impact" on women's risk of violence.'

'She said sexism in the UK was more "in your face" than in other countries, and raised serious concerns about the portrayal of women and girls in the media.

She said the British media was responsible for "negative and over-sexualised portrayals of women", with some websites and TV channels dealing in the "marketisation of their bodies".

Ms Manjoo said it was clear "there is a boys' club, sexist culture that exists, and it does lead to perceptions about women and girls in this country".'

There's more on Google obv.

The govt just said. Nope!

And that was that!

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 23:16

Such a strange thread. It isn't a competition.

I would love to have had an abuse free life. It just hasn't been a reality for me or my friends. A few are more unscathed, perhaps I have been particularly unlucky. Well, yes, I know that I have.

Very glad that it isn't universal, hopefully you can understand that some of us have seen so much of it that this can be hard to believe/ seem unfair at times.

I wish I knew what avoids it, I would take my children to that place immediately.

MildredPuppy · 25/07/2021 23:19

My sister gets constantly harrassed and i dont. I have been harrased in isolated incidents when i was younger and when i was pregnant but its not constant. But when i go out with her i am shocked at what she has to deal with.

Marguerite2000 · 25/07/2021 23:22

It's never been a daily occurrence for me either, and I haven't noticed young girls/women being harrassed either, apart from one incident on a bus. Most people of both sexes seem to pay more attention to their phones than other people, from what I can see.

korawick12345 · 25/07/2021 23:22

@Megasausagehead

Such a strange thread. It isn't a competition.

I would love to have had an abuse free life. It just hasn't been a reality for me or my friends. A few are more unscathed, perhaps I have been particularly unlucky. Well, yes, I know that I have.

Very glad that it isn't universal, hopefully you can understand that some of us have seen so much of it that this can be hard to believe/ seem unfair at times.

I wish I knew what avoids it, I would take my children to that place immediately.

I am sorry that you have had such bad experiences, no one doubts that what you are saying is true. Those posters saying they have had a different experience are not being competitive, like you, they are simply speaking of their own experience.

I am sure you can understand how offensive it is that the response of some posters has been to tell them that they are wrong and that they just don’t know what harassment is or that in fact they are actually a man!

NiceGerbil · 25/07/2021 23:25

I see this thread has gone the usual way!

I'm very happy for the women who have never experienced anything dodgy from men.

I do think it varies s lot depending on where you grew up etc (my conclusion from a lot of threads like this).

What I don't get is when it gets into the sort of.

Well this and this and this I don't think it's harrassment!

Sort of implies others are over reacting, or have misinterpreted fine approachable non threatening stuff as creepy scary etc.

But I mean. It's more likely the intent or delivery was different, rather than the woman or girl was just being. Silly or something.

NiceGerbil · 25/07/2021 23:30

Example-

'1960 era, when you might get whistled at,or shouted at by a group of a friendly bunch of guys on a building site, whilst you walked past in your high heels and mini skirt, so no problems there, it was just a bit of fun, and no one was bothered.'

When I was about 12 there was scaffolding up on a big factory sort of building I had to walk past and it was an area with very very few people about.

When I walked up to, and past. Loads of them would stop what they were doing and just watch me. Stare. Every morning.

I found it really intimidating. I hated it.

In practice they weren't actually doing anything though were they. Stopping and looking around is normal.

I dunno.

I just find on threads like this it's always the same conversation.

I'm happy for those who have never had dodgy or scary or upsetting stuff when out and about.

The posts saying about you know a lot of it's in good fun type thing. Those I don't understand the purpose.

hellotesting123123 · 25/07/2021 23:38

I reckon I'm reasonably attractive but I don't really get cat called. I do feel I give off a very clear 'fuck off' vibe - I'm positively bristling with it in case they do, because of the rare times it has happened. I wish it didn't have to be like this. It doesn't feel safe walking past a group of men. Cunts.

hellotesting123123 · 25/07/2021 23:40

I remember getting chatted up by a guy in his 30s when I was about 14 (and looked about 12). I thought it was cool at the time! It's easy to see how young girls are groomed.

hellotesting123123 · 25/07/2021 23:43

'Cheer up love' is not a well intended comment, to the person who said it was.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 25/07/2021 23:45

Happens pretty much daily to me.

Men feel the need to touch me, come in my personal space, make comments about my appearance, my eyes, my breasts.

Work, pub, street, gym doesn't matter.

I've had men hover around me in the gym just weirdly smiling at me.

I've had male work colleagues sniff my hair or slap my bottom with a file.

I've had male police officers who I'm attending an incident with flirt. I've had barristers in court mention how "lovely I look today"

Sometimes I'm happy to just get home and close my front door. Honestly.

I'm 5ft3 an hourglass figure, relatively pretty and slim. I've long auburn hair and bright big round sea blue eyes and pale skin. I know how I look, I have a mirror in my house, I don't need to be reminded by the male population 🙄

rubbletrouble · 25/07/2021 23:46

@ilovesooty

It's not my experience. It happens occasionally but I don't find it's an everyday thing. I'm sorry to hear of your experience though.

Same here, very occasionally, most are just normal interactions

ChristmasShearwater · 25/07/2021 23:47

I'm happy for those who have never had dodgy or scary or upsetting stuff when out and about

People are saying it's not a regular occurrence for them.

I have experienced the wolf whistles from builders in 70s/80s - hated it. Being silently appraised by a bunch of men sitting outside a pub whilst i walked by - hated it.

Why can't you accept that many of us don't experience it on a regular basis and nor do the women we know?

Megasausagehead · 25/07/2021 23:53

@ChristmasShearwater

I'm happy for those who have never had dodgy or scary or upsetting stuff when out and about

People are saying it's not a regular occurrence for them.

I have experienced the wolf whistles from builders in 70s/80s - hated it. Being silently appraised by a bunch of men sitting outside a pub whilst i walked by - hated it.

Why can't you accept that many of us don't experience it on a regular basis and nor do the women we know?

Fully accept that. It was you actually saying the majority of women hadn't experienced this.

As with everything it is a spectrum from the never experienced, to the hugely abused. Most fall in the middle.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 26/07/2021 00:08

I get harassed virtually every time I leave the house in the summer. I am overweight but have a larger bust. It is better than it used to be but I've never been comfortable walking past groups of men.

My 13 year old daughter is still developing; the last few years she has started the attract the wrong sort of attention.

We both get unknown men telling us to smile or cheer up.

I have a friend who says it never happens to her - but she works in a female dominated environment, drives everywhere and takes taxis rather than travel alone at night. I'd say she actively avoids any potential sites of being harrassed. She is very restricted in her social life and doesn't venture out much to new places without male relatives, her partner or stepsons.

NiceGerbil · 26/07/2021 00:09

If that was to me I do accept it and I'm v jealous!

Like I say I think it depends a lot on where you grew up.

Round here it was normal. Constant. From young.

Secondary school walking home was the worst. (I'm uniform obv!).

I think it's maybe s bit better now in terms of building sites have for ages had rules and I don't see stuff being shouted from cars etc

Although I'm older now so it may be that.

Of course a lot is online now- recent story about schoolgirls getting constant requests for nudes etc online often from boys they know...

I think the response from Ofsted was to teach the girls how to deal with it. And they seemed to be used to it so how much of a problem really is it.

Rather than saying oh let's go after the boys/ men doing it..

Sorry a bit off topic!

NiceGerbil · 26/07/2021 00:14

Pandemic -

Yes big boobs are s magnet for these blokes. Along with other things

And of course they do it at random as well.

And the same ones will deliver a message essentially I'd like to fuck you or I wouldn't like to fuck you- two sides of same coin.

When my friend was maybe 13 or 14 the bus driver said he'd let her off her father fare if she let him feel her tits.

She was in school uniform natch.

She was a v early developer with a big bust and got so much 'attention' from men shit because of it. I mean her boobs did. I doubt many of them even noticed her really!

bonbonours · 26/07/2021 00:26

I think it does happen everywhere, really. Definitely seems to get less as you get older/fatter/have children with you/wear less revealing clothing. Not that I am saying women should wear less revealing clothing. But when I was 21 I would have worn tight short shorts and had comments, these days I would wear long baggy shorts and get none.

But having said that I still get the odd random twat on FB sending me messages. And my 70 year old mum has had more than one bloke trying to chat her up on the message function on online Scrabble!! She had a photo of her looking all dressed up as her FB picture which showed up on there. I had a drawing done by my daughter as mine and never had that problem, so I advised her to change her picture on there to something non-descript.