Does anyone have a good relationship with their daughter in law?

[MadameHomais]

When my son got married I was determined to get along with my daughter in law but I don’t think she wants any sort of a relationship with me.
We are very different both in background and character.
I thought I would let her to take the lead in our relationship.
I have learned a lot from mumsnet about what not to do.
Whatever she wants I go along with. I never offer opinions or make judgments I keep conversation light and friendly.
I never visit them unless I am invited. In three years I have been invited twice to their house, even though we live fairly locally and they need to pass my house whenever they go into the local town.
My twin grandsons were born eighteen months ago. My son and daughter-in-law occasionally call into my house to visit, they may stay up to fifteen minutes, I offer drinks etc but my daughter in law never accepts. Occasionally I have invited them for tea, sometimes they come. It’s always very relaxed my daughter in law stays for an hour or so then makes an excuse. Sometimes my son stays a bit longer if he wants to chat about work. We work in a similar field and sometimes he needs advice or wants a sounding board. The visits are spaced so far apart that my grandsons never remember me and I have to spend the first five minutes winning their confidence all over again.
My son seems embarrassed about the situation he calls around on his own occasionally and rings me for chats every month or so.
I never discuss my sadness about the situation with him. As a couple they seem very happy together and that is the most important thing to me.
I am sad that my daughter in law does not seem to want me to get to know my grand sons.
She has a very close relationship with her own mum and sisters. I never expected to be anything other than second place to her family as that is the way it traditionally works with daughter in laws. My daughter and her children are often invited to visit my son and daughter in law. My daughter is as nonplussed as I am with the situation, she doesn’t have a close relationship with her sister in law but everything is very casually friendly.
I should add there is nothing wrong with my house! Everything is clean, tidy and child friendly. I look after my daughter’s children and they are happy and safe with me. I have friends who are happy to visit me too, I don’t serve worms on toast to my guests .
If I buy clothes or presents for my daughter’s children I always ask for her approval first. I did this with my daughter in law too. Her answer would always be along the lines of a fairly polite “whatever you think”, but then I don’t think she ever dressed the boys in anything I bought, I’ve never seen a photo of them wearing anything at least. The clothes were good quality very similar to the type she dresses the boys in herself. Possibly a bit more expensive than she would buy as I have more disposable income. I would like to treat all my grandchildren equally and my daughter always wants me to buy quality clothes for her children, while she can’t afford to buy these items herself.
My son does send me photos weekly- I don’t ask he just sends them.
So to sum up I don’t think she likes me and I don’t think there is anything more I can do to encourage a better relationship.
What do you all think?

You should start by speaking to your son, tell him you’d like more of a relationship with your GC and want to spend more time with them. He isn’t a mind reader and although he is probably aware you feel this way, you haven’t directly said it and sometimes people just need that prompt.

We don’t see MIL much even though she lives locally. She’s just in her own world really and she’s a bit loopy so DH isn’t keen on spending much time with her for that reason, I just follow his lead with it because it’s his Mum so his choice.

I think you sound like a lovely MIL. Wish you were mine 😂.

Mine is okay but she only ever talks about herself so when she comes round we just have to speak about her. One time i tested it and started talking about myself and there was a really awkward silence and she stared into space.

You have so much more insight, tbh your DIL doesn’t sound very warm. I’m really close to my mum and sisters etc but still wish my MIL was warmer. She never will be though.

She might just not be a sociable person, maybe even shy.

Echoing what other posters have said, you sound lovely op.

I wish my mil was more like you. I’d welcome a good relationship with mil if she was like you, but unfortunately she is very self centred and genuinely thinks everything and everyone should evolve around her. I’d go as far as saying she has narcissistic tendencies.

I avoid seeing her because I feel drained when we spend time with her.
We see her in person about 4 times a year (even though we live about 90
mins away)

That’s enough for dh and I.

We are very different both in background and character. [...] Possibly a bit more expensive than she would buy as I have more disposable income.

This reads like a bit of judgement to me, maybe she feels like you think she is not posh enough for your family and she doesn't feel comfortable. Your 'planned' engagement with her won't help either, no matter how well intentioned.

I don’t think it sounded judgey. OP has clearly wondered why DIL hasn’t put the clothes on the grandkids and gathered it couldn’t be because they were not expensive enough.

Honestly some DILs are just twats. It’s not always the MIL, they can never win.

My own mum made the crime once of buying next babygrows for my niece and my niece took them BACK, cashed in the money and basically implied they weren’t good enough.

OP you can be the most thoughtful MIL in the world but sometimes it just isn’t going to work out if DIL isn’t on the same page. Look after yourself I say, personally with twins she’s mad not to create a village for her kids but there you go!

How is the relationship now? Any better?