Does anyone have a good relationship with their daughter in law?

[MadameHomais]

When my son got married I was determined to get along with my daughter in law but I don’t think she wants any sort of a relationship with me.
We are very different both in background and character.
I thought I would let her to take the lead in our relationship.
I have learned a lot from mumsnet about what not to do.
Whatever she wants I go along with. I never offer opinions or make judgments I keep conversation light and friendly.
I never visit them unless I am invited. In three years I have been invited twice to their house, even though we live fairly locally and they need to pass my house whenever they go into the local town.
My twin grandsons were born eighteen months ago. My son and daughter-in-law occasionally call into my house to visit, they may stay up to fifteen minutes, I offer drinks etc but my daughter in law never accepts. Occasionally I have invited them for tea, sometimes they come. It’s always very relaxed my daughter in law stays for an hour or so then makes an excuse. Sometimes my son stays a bit longer if he wants to chat about work. We work in a similar field and sometimes he needs advice or wants a sounding board. The visits are spaced so far apart that my grandsons never remember me and I have to spend the first five minutes winning their confidence all over again.
My son seems embarrassed about the situation he calls around on his own occasionally and rings me for chats every month or so.
I never discuss my sadness about the situation with him. As a couple they seem very happy together and that is the most important thing to me.
I am sad that my daughter in law does not seem to want me to get to know my grand sons.
She has a very close relationship with her own mum and sisters. I never expected to be anything other than second place to her family as that is the way it traditionally works with daughter in laws. My daughter and her children are often invited to visit my son and daughter in law. My daughter is as nonplussed as I am with the situation, she doesn’t have a close relationship with her sister in law but everything is very casually friendly.
I should add there is nothing wrong with my house! Everything is clean, tidy and child friendly. I look after my daughter’s children and they are happy and safe with me. I have friends who are happy to visit me too, I don’t serve worms on toast to my guests .
If I buy clothes or presents for my daughter’s children I always ask for her approval first. I did this with my daughter in law too. Her answer would always be along the lines of a fairly polite “whatever you think”, but then I don’t think she ever dressed the boys in anything I bought, I’ve never seen a photo of them wearing anything at least. The clothes were good quality very similar to the type she dresses the boys in herself. Possibly a bit more expensive than she would buy as I have more disposable income. I would like to treat all my grandchildren equally and my daughter always wants me to buy quality clothes for her children, while she can’t afford to buy these items herself.
My son does send me photos weekly- I don’t ask he just sends them.
So to sum up I don’t think she likes me and I don’t think there is anything more I can do to encourage a better relationship.
What do you all think?

We were always close to our Son until he met his new partner. He has a Son by a previous relationship who we have quality time with and he spends a lot of time with us.Our Son has a 15month old child now with his new Partner , and they have just bought a house together and we hardly see them. His new Partner always does everything with her Family to the point of her being out and out rude to us. She avoids us all the time. We never go round unless we are invited by our Son..she will leave the house so she has not got to engage with us..we have never interferred in any way and no matter how rude she is to us we do not say a word back.....It really upsets us that she behaves like this and deprives us of a loving relationship with our Grandchild and our Son as well....we have asked our Son if we have upset her in any way for her to behave like this towards us? She has actually given me clothes back ( through our Son)which we have bought for our Grandchild telling us she would never put her child in clothes "like that" and these are Next and M&S clothing, so nice clothes...
Our Son is aware of her behaviours towards us but sits on the fence...
Her own Parents are also aware of her behaviours but are happy because it means they have 100% of our Grandchilds time......so sad...😢😢

@madamehomais I am torn here. You sound like you are trying your best but honestly it reads like you have disengaged too much and maybe given her the impression you don't want a relationship with her? I would talk to your son and see what his thoughts are.

My MIL died when dd was 9 weeks old. I was devastated. We had only known each other 2 years but she was bloody lovely. She had a very poor relationship with both her older sons wives and dd's dad's ex. Fault on all sides from what I can work out. She had either learnt from past mistakes or I am just more accommodating that her other DILs. She gave her son nd I money when we found out we were having a girl. I declined it and asked her to buy what she liked for dd. In the end we shopped together. It was lovely.

When she knew she was dying she asked if she could call me her daughter and asked me if I would consider calling her mum.

She had her faults and some of her behaviour towards my dsc used to drive me batty but her heart was in the right place.

I often spent time with her and fil without her son being there. I took dd to the hospital daily from being 3 days old so she could bond with her grandma.

I don't understand this automatic hatred of mil's

I have spoken to my Son but he just says " Her Family will always come 1st no matter what you or I do...it is what it is"....she doesn't need any one else only her own Family.....
We have other D.I.L's who are very different so we have no idea what to do or what we have done wrong...
We treat her exactly the same at Birthdays/Christmas as we do the rest of our Family....she even avoids our other D.I.L's and Sons....to the point of not inviting them to anything related to their Neice....eg birthday parties.....where its "Family"......

I love my daughter in law. While I do not have the same relationship with her that I do with my daughter... she gave us a beautiful grandson and she is an amazing mother. She works hard and the MOST important thing to me.. she LOVES my son so much (as he does her) I would do anything for her.

I agree, offer to babysit more. I always take my MIL up on offers to babysit, but I wouldn't like to ask her myself unless it was an emergency, as it feels a bit cheeky and awkward!

You both might be too shy and polite. I think you need to take the initiative and try to spend more time with her and the kids.

I love my MIL. We are very different but we get on well, but we became close doing things like cinema or lunch just she and I pre-kids.

I can't believe you haven't talked to your son about this.

In spite of what they say on Mumsnet, some daughter in laws are just bitches.

I’m a DIL who is fairly close (as in sees nearly every other day) my own MIL and we get on well. Sure there is this or that about things she does that annoy me slightly but I just ignore it like I would for my own MIL. I think some DIL are unable to do that and get all neurotic about anything their MIL does.

Frankly I think any woman who intentionally gives a well meaning MIL the cold shoulder is awful. They’re screwing their own DP’s relationship with their parent because they’re control freaks? Neurotic?

MIL and I were very different people and we were never close. However I also work FT so DH has the children often on his own during school holidays. He organised his own visits with the children with her mum. They went for days out.

Talk to your DS. It sounds like you want to be closer to the grandchildren so it’s with him and not your DIL.

@paulina22

Wow! Queen Zazi! Do you think she could help here?

Well I know it's an old thread, but I'll join in anyway.

I'd hope my MIL thinks I'm a good DIL. We're not very close (I'm working on it!), but I certainly think she's a very lovely person!

Does DIL work - does her DM -I would expect her to be pleased to be able to drop babies off sometimes but if these are pfbs , she doesn't work and has a DM and sisters available to help that might be the problem.

I get on really well with my mother in law, we don't see each other that often as we both work but I would accept any invitation to spend him with her alone, with kids or as a family. Maybe you need to invite her more. I would never invite myself to her house because I would feel like I was inconveniencing her. I would also talk to your son to see if he can help the situation.

I really like my daughter in law. They aren’t married but I see her as a daughter in law. We are very different people, but she’s kind and I enjoy being with her. I have a better relationship with her than wirh my daughter.
It’s hard to know what the problem is here. You sound a bit functional. Are you fun to be with? Do you ever have a day out with her and the kids without your son? Perhaps she finds you a bit earnest and remote? That is how you come across.
What is she interested in? Talk to her about what interests her. Compliment her, laugh with her. Try to see life from her point of view. You don’t sound like you know who she is as a person. What is it about her that your son loves? Instead of sitting outside their world, frightened to offend, try to engage with them as friends rather than family.
It all sounds a bit dreary and formal. Perhaps she feels a bit suffocated.

As for your grandchildren, offer to have them for the day so they can have some time as a couple. Work on your relationship with the children and things might start to feel easier.

I've been blessed with 2 fantastic MIL. Very close to both of them.

At one point I saw more of them than my own family and husband

Just invite her out somewhere, garden centre or coffee somewhere and get to know her and the boys better. She may be painfully shy or feel awkward in your home.

There's a relationship which is salvageable tbh.

Good luck.

You sound like a very gentle reasonable person. Is it possible there is something bigger here?

Without wanting to be outing we have a much-loved family member who had a very deeply traumatic childhood and relationship with her own mother. When she married she seemed to be determined to create a complete bubble, and to keep her children in it. They also seem personally happy, but she has almost completely excluded a similarly thoughtful MIL.

The sad thing is that the kids are now struggling with their over-dependence on mum. It's healthy to have a village.

What does your daughter think? Does she feel this is wider?

Offer to baby sit.

Say you know what hard work babies are and don't forget you can help out more if they wish.

You said you lived with her ...I'm wondering if something happened then?

You won't be able to get closer to your dil as she sounds like she doesn't want a relationship with you.
It's probably not your fault, she just doesn't see you as family.
Let your ds know that you'd like to spend more time with grandkids. Ask him if he could pop round with them more often.

I think you have been over thinking this and are being too careful. You need to invite them around more regularly and become part of their routine.

Hope op provides a positive update

Op sorry if I missed this, but is it just you at home or do you have a partner living with you?

18 months is still so young.
I wouldn't panic or worry about them not knowing you etc there is plenty of time..

Just keep reminding them...when you need me I'm here! And just carry on as you are.

Thing's will probably change as they get older!they maybe desperate by then.

Fwiw my mil would say and give examples of how she welcomed me into her home and did acts of kindness etc.
My experience was of course totally different!

Just roll with it.... thing's change and enjoy the gc you do see...you are very blessed to have any at all to enjoy.

I get on fine with my MIL but we have a language barrier. Maybe that helps?! She does make comments in jest that a more sensitive person might be offended by but I like black humour. My Mum and SIL don't get on well but both make the effort so all is OK generally. My SIL has been around for years, well before she got with my brother which probably helps. Im sorry about your situation. I would be devastated if it were me. My only thought is, having 18month old twins must be so so hard. Maybe she's withdrawn into herself a bit hard? Would a frank conversation with your son about your desire for a closer relationship help? I'd also try offering practical help. Like could you offer to go over and care for the twins for 2 hrs whilst she had some time to herself? I know I appreciate babysitting from my MIL.

I get on alright with my MIL but we're not super close. She has three sons and my DH is the eldest. I text her fortnightly and call every now and then to see how she is. My DH can go months on end without talking to her.

I hope she doesn't blame me for his lack of interaction!

You left it to her her to "take the lead"
You "never visit them unless invited"

I think you trying to be courteous might be coming off as disinterested. I have a similar issue with my parents - I think they do it to give us space but in reality, what it means is that I feel I have to do all the leg work, all the inviting and organising. It never comes from them, and tbh that means it sometimes feels like they don't want to/aren't interested, which I know actually isn't the case.

Maybe try reaching out a bit?

Reading your words makes me feel a bit sad. I think you are being very sweet and extremely thoughtful, but you’re not getting the happiness you deserve.
You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around everyone! You have the right to be yourself too.
‘Maybe I got that wrong.’ Everyone makes mistakes, but buying the ‘wrong’ outfit is not even a mistake. Don’t be so hard on yourself, I want to say, but what I really want to ask is are you happy otherwise? Do you have joy in your life and people you love who you feel love you unconditionally?
You deserve to be loved for who you are, you are good inside, not because you display ‘perfect’ behaviour.