Does anyone have a good relationship with their daughter in law?

[MadameHomais]

When my son got married I was determined to get along with my daughter in law but I don’t think she wants any sort of a relationship with me.
We are very different both in background and character.
I thought I would let her to take the lead in our relationship.
I have learned a lot from mumsnet about what not to do.
Whatever she wants I go along with. I never offer opinions or make judgments I keep conversation light and friendly.
I never visit them unless I am invited. In three years I have been invited twice to their house, even though we live fairly locally and they need to pass my house whenever they go into the local town.
My twin grandsons were born eighteen months ago. My son and daughter-in-law occasionally call into my house to visit, they may stay up to fifteen minutes, I offer drinks etc but my daughter in law never accepts. Occasionally I have invited them for tea, sometimes they come. It’s always very relaxed my daughter in law stays for an hour or so then makes an excuse. Sometimes my son stays a bit longer if he wants to chat about work. We work in a similar field and sometimes he needs advice or wants a sounding board. The visits are spaced so far apart that my grandsons never remember me and I have to spend the first five minutes winning their confidence all over again.
My son seems embarrassed about the situation he calls around on his own occasionally and rings me for chats every month or so.
I never discuss my sadness about the situation with him. As a couple they seem very happy together and that is the most important thing to me.
I am sad that my daughter in law does not seem to want me to get to know my grand sons.
She has a very close relationship with her own mum and sisters. I never expected to be anything other than second place to her family as that is the way it traditionally works with daughter in laws. My daughter and her children are often invited to visit my son and daughter in law. My daughter is as nonplussed as I am with the situation, she doesn’t have a close relationship with her sister in law but everything is very casually friendly.
I should add there is nothing wrong with my house! Everything is clean, tidy and child friendly. I look after my daughter’s children and they are happy and safe with me. I have friends who are happy to visit me too, I don’t serve worms on toast to my guests .
If I buy clothes or presents for my daughter’s children I always ask for her approval first. I did this with my daughter in law too. Her answer would always be along the lines of a fairly polite “whatever you think”, but then I don’t think she ever dressed the boys in anything I bought, I’ve never seen a photo of them wearing anything at least. The clothes were good quality very similar to the type she dresses the boys in herself. Possibly a bit more expensive than she would buy as I have more disposable income. I would like to treat all my grandchildren equally and my daughter always wants me to buy quality clothes for her children, while she can’t afford to buy these items herself.
My son does send me photos weekly- I don’t ask he just sends them.
So to sum up I don’t think she likes me and I don’t think there is anything more I can do to encourage a better relationship.
What do you all think?

[thesplashing]

I found my MIL hard work at first. She was so excited about first dc and would turn up unannounced and want to take him for walks etc and I was very anxious about being away from him.

DH had to have a couple of private chats with her - I needed to let go of the reigns a bit and she needed to be a bit more patient. She jumped through every hoop, followed all our rules and wishes for dc and she now has the relationship she wants with me and our dc. She looks after them twice a week on her own and has a lovely bond, I will see her on my own and we go shopping together, we message nearly every day. I've even recently given her a house key which I think she was quietly thrilled about. We couldn't do without her.

I think you need to make noises to your son about wanting a better relationship with the dgc and then show your DIL you're willing to do it her way. A year and a half ago I did not view my MIL in the way I do now.

It's possible to get the relationship you want with her - it's happened to me!

[2021Vision]

Agree with others, your DS needs to step up here, it sounds like you are all treading on egg shells around her.

I think it is difficult being a new mother, you are bound to trust your own mother/sisters more as you know them however they need to give you an opportunity to show that you are happy to fit in with their parenting and will support them.

I have to say OP, it also sounds as if they 'use' you, only asking when they need something, that's not how a relationship works.

I think it could/will get easier when they are older and I would speak to your DS about how important it is to you that you build a relationship with your DGC and ask what you need to do/how you can see them more.

[Pumperthepumper]

You are so passive in your son’s life. That’s the bit you need to work on, forget about the DIL. I suspect there’s more to this story than you’re letting on.

[TenPenceMix]

Just offer more support, only going round when you're invited seems a bit aloof.
Also she's probably absolutely shattered having young twins!

[Kanaloa]

My MIL is great. I don’t know if that’s because I’m basically estranged from my own parents though. If I had a mum and a close relationship there maybe I wouldn’t have put the effort into our relationship?

She invites herself over when she likes but we don’t mind that, we are relaxed. I wouldn’t like her coming over if she expected to be ‘entertained’ but it isn’t like that, she comes just for a chat and if I’m busy she’ll get the kettle on.

Most weekends she has one of my oldest two over to sleepover for a night, she will help with school pickups. I will also help her if she needs something doing, especially booking things online or sorting deliveries as they’re not that technologically minded.

[Kanaloa]

Also think it’s relevant that my DH has a great relationship with his parents - that’s where the mil/dil relationship starts.

[MizMoonshine]

I like my (soon to be) MIL. However, I find my relationship with (soon to be) FIL much easier.
She's lovely but like you it's all very light and impersonal. I'm a people person. I love to get deep into a conversation and know the ins and outs of a cats arsehole. But at the same time, I don't pry. I find most people naturally warm to me and offer me information.
She's like a closed book. She's polite. She's warm as a host. But I only ever feel like I get as deep as anyone welcomed into her home would. Surface level. I get the title, the blurb, but not the story.
It makes me feel as though she doesn't want me there.
Maybe your daughter in law is feeling the same?

[MadameHomais]

I suppose the bit that might have influenced my son is my sister. She was always bursting in with one domestic crisis or another all through his childhood. He likes his home life now to be calm and drama free. Well as much as it can be with twins. He’s hands on and he and DiL are marvellous parents.

My own mother is very bossy and can be opinionated It made me determined not to be overbearing with my own children.

I'm sure I do have a lot of faults, I apologise if it sounds like I think I’m a paragon of virtue.
It’s funny the impression of ourselves that we can portray unconsciously - to the poser who thought I might be too clean- I have 3 grandchildren here often, two dogs and a cat and I work 3 days a week. You can imagine! But thank you all in a strange way I’m starting to find a way through all this.
It is helpful to see things through new eyes.

[Biscoffin]

I like my MIL and FIL, but I don’t really have much in common with them.

There was some initial conflict when my DC were first born and this has definitely led to some distance now. Could there have been some initial conflict when GC were first born that you didn’t realise?

[icebearforpresident]

I love my mother in law but DH and I were 17 when we got together so it’s almost like I’ve grown up with her at this point.

She never complains about helping with the kids (rare these days but she used to have them 2 or 3 days a week), if we drop round for a few hours at no notice and offers support, advice and her opinion but never gets upset if we do the opposite! My own mum died just before Xmas, I was at the hospital but came home to find her at home waiting for me, husband was at work and on his way home but she didn’t want me coming home to an empty house (she has a key). I will forever be grateful for that. One of the things I found incredibly difficult about the funeral was that she and my FIL couldn’t be there because of Covid.

Reading your post it does sound like you’ve read all the ‘MIL from hell’ posts on here and have tried so hard not to be thought of in that way that you’ve maybe came across a bit distant? You both sound like you’re tip toeing around each other, good argument might be exactly what you need (not suggesting you pick a fight!)

[MadameHomais]

I did the normal things, froze meals, dropped them off. Walked their dogs. It’s no trouble and my dogs like the company. Bought shopping and baby equipment when asked. I did get excited snd bought some baby boy clothes- identical outfits, after 3 granddaughters it was fun to buy baby boy things. Perhaps that was unwelcome, DIL and DS are keen that each boy has his own identity and they aren’t dressed identically. So I got that wrong at the start.

[Aquamarine1029]

As with any relationship, it can't be forced, and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it just never works.

I tried the best I could to have a good relationship with my MIL, but I was always the woman who "stole her baby boy."

About 15 years ago, they came for one of their 3 days visits, and I caught my MIL in my bedroom, snooping through my drawers. She thought I was distracted by the children and making dinner. I completely gave up after that.

I really hope you can figure out a way to improve things, op.

[Lemonmelonsun]

Have you asked your dd for an honest appraisal, does she know how you feel?
Without getting her in the middle she can maybe scout out some feedback?

[bakingdemon]

My MIL is much better with my DS than my DM. What I really value is that PIL will proactively offer to take DS out, to the park, to babysit, whereas my DPs have to be asked to do anything and even then it's not guaranteed they'll do it. It sounds like you're taking a very passive approach and waiting for them to initiate everything, so you probably come across as uninterested. If you want to see more of GS then say so! Make a clear offer about having them for a couple of hours when SIL/DIL pop into town, or say you'd love to babysit so they can go out for the evening.

[zaffa]

I love my MiL and I am fairly certain she (and FIL) love me too. They invite me out without DH or DD sometimes, they ring me for a chat and I see them weekly with DD and without DH.
They did not like DH exDW though, and did not have a great relationship with her ....

[saraclara]

I think you've actually been TOO careful! And MN can do that to a MIL.

Talk to your son. You don't have to be over gentle. Just say you'd like to know your GC better, and can he bring them over when he visits. That you quite understand that DIL likes her own space, but maybe he could bring them to visit instead.

The idea of your DD being involved, and having the cousins play together and get to know each other is lovely if it's practically possible.

[Jent13c]

I love my MIL. I was married young so do treat them like parents. They live 3 hours away and we see them at least twice a month and phone every day. My parents live15 mins away and I see them maybe once a month.

[JustLoveYourselfALittle]

I hope I'm like you when I have a DIL.
I get on amazing with my MIL. I'd happily go for a cuppa without dh and regularly do. We see them weekly whether for 30 min or 3 hours.

[Galassia]

I have a great relationship with my sons partner possibly because we have the same
political views and the same hobby so we are always pleased to see each other and chat away.

I get in great with my own daughter but I’m probably closer now to my sons partner.

[Dontdripme]

I think you just have to accept it

[Kezzie200]

What's interesting is that Ive never thought about this until this thread!

My children aren't married or have children but both have partners they live with.

My sons girlfriend I have a WhatsApp link with her and another group with her and My son too, and we regularly send things. Questions, or just funny stuff we've seen. I'm her friend on Instagram where she posts a lot. We live 3 hours away so also often zoom and sometimes she's not on it, but in another room. Sometimes she is. Now the pandemic is over they've been to stay. We've had holidays together.

My daughters partner is more remote. They again live away . A long way away. But he send me texts occasionally, including once when my daughter was sad and he thought it would be nice if I could call her. He rings if he has financial questions (it's my job) and we've had long conversations before, but its far fewer than with my sons girlfriend.

So I think what I'm saying is let it develop naturally, and no one relationship is the same.

In terms of the children, would they like you to babysit so they can go out or have a day off. That was especially good for us when ours were young and my children are, indeed, closer to my parents rather than their other grandparents, because of it.

[Ronsmood]

Op I’m sure it will get easier as the boys get older.
I don’t think it’s anything personal, from what you’ve said you sound like a lovely MIL.

I could be your DIL (I’m not!) my MIL is much more pushy though. She insisted on visiting every week. Then having the children to play. I’ve invited her to every single school event because she expected it.

[Roomonb]

My DH takes care of contact with his family and I take care of mine. My in laws are lovely people but I don’t have anything in common with them.

To be brutally honest this is about your son. He should be bringing the kids around etc, it’s his responsibility to make sure you have a relationship. I would never stop my DH taking the kids to see his parents. I think its more men who seem to step back once the are settled down and seem to leave it to their wives to take over organising family stuff. It’s up to him really, he could bring them round without her and give her a little break. Honestly you sound like a lovely MIL who is doing her best. But I would stop worrying about having a relationship with your DIL which isn’t necessarily how you would like and focus on your son and GC.

Also don’t forget its been a brutal year for new parents. Mine is about the same age and I’m exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes, it may just be that trying to fit everyone in around naps, eating, bedtime routine is difficult and with twins I imagine the first year is a blur for most parents. It may have nothing to do with you, maybe at her mums or sisters she can sit on the sofa and just drink tea with the top button of her jeans undone while not “performing”.

I know people are saying don’t invite yourself around but maybe on a day your son is at home find out what time the kids are awake from naps and will be fed by and pop in, but only for 15 minutes or so. Make it easy to be around you (this is no reflection on you, I know my sisters won’t judge me for moaning and I can relax around them completely). Acknowledge they must have their hands full, and you won’t stay long, just wanted to pop in for a quick cuddle etc. I know that I always have one eye on the clock with mine because she won’t nap anywhere but her cot.

[pigglepot]

From her point of view it probably seems like you aren't that interested and aren't making much effort. I think you should try and be more proactive about texting her, calling her, inviting yourself round and inviting them round. For me keeping the conversation "light" also wouldn't help to build a bond. I would want my mother in law to be able to speak to my like she would with a friend or other family member not someone she has bumped into in the post office.

[rudybeaatie]

If you want a relationship with your Daughter in law I would suggest that you make an effort to build a relationship. My mother in law seems utterly uninterested in my daughter, never makes an effort with us, never invites us to her house, has her daughter there and other grandchildren weekly but constantly complains that we make no effort with her (we do) perhaps if you initiated it may be reciprocated, no harm in trying….