Does anyone have a good relationship with their daughter in law?

[MadameHomais]

When my son got married I was determined to get along with my daughter in law but I don’t think she wants any sort of a relationship with me.
We are very different both in background and character.
I thought I would let her to take the lead in our relationship.
I have learned a lot from mumsnet about what not to do.
Whatever she wants I go along with. I never offer opinions or make judgments I keep conversation light and friendly.
I never visit them unless I am invited. In three years I have been invited twice to their house, even though we live fairly locally and they need to pass my house whenever they go into the local town.
My twin grandsons were born eighteen months ago. My son and daughter-in-law occasionally call into my house to visit, they may stay up to fifteen minutes, I offer drinks etc but my daughter in law never accepts. Occasionally I have invited them for tea, sometimes they come. It’s always very relaxed my daughter in law stays for an hour or so then makes an excuse. Sometimes my son stays a bit longer if he wants to chat about work. We work in a similar field and sometimes he needs advice or wants a sounding board. The visits are spaced so far apart that my grandsons never remember me and I have to spend the first five minutes winning their confidence all over again.
My son seems embarrassed about the situation he calls around on his own occasionally and rings me for chats every month or so.
I never discuss my sadness about the situation with him. As a couple they seem very happy together and that is the most important thing to me.
I am sad that my daughter in law does not seem to want me to get to know my grand sons.
She has a very close relationship with her own mum and sisters. I never expected to be anything other than second place to her family as that is the way it traditionally works with daughter in laws. My daughter and her children are often invited to visit my son and daughter in law. My daughter is as nonplussed as I am with the situation, she doesn’t have a close relationship with her sister in law but everything is very casually friendly.
I should add there is nothing wrong with my house! Everything is clean, tidy and child friendly. I look after my daughter’s children and they are happy and safe with me. I have friends who are happy to visit me too, I don’t serve worms on toast to my guests .
If I buy clothes or presents for my daughter’s children I always ask for her approval first. I did this with my daughter in law too. Her answer would always be along the lines of a fairly polite “whatever you think”, but then I don’t think she ever dressed the boys in anything I bought, I’ve never seen a photo of them wearing anything at least. The clothes were good quality very similar to the type she dresses the boys in herself. Possibly a bit more expensive than she would buy as I have more disposable income. I would like to treat all my grandchildren equally and my daughter always wants me to buy quality clothes for her children, while she can’t afford to buy these items herself.
My son does send me photos weekly- I don’t ask he just sends them.
So to sum up I don’t think she likes me and I don’t think there is anything more I can do to encourage a better relationship.
What do you all think?

[karmakameleon]

I find this so strange. I’m not close to my mother in law. We get on fine, but just different people, so polite and friendly when we see each other but don’t go out of our way to have a relationship independent of DH. He takes the children to see her regularly. They live a few hours away but he’s been twice so far this year since we’ve been allowed. If granny sends clothes for the DC, he dresses them in those clothes. I may send the odd photo in a text but that’s the extent of my relationship with MIL, he phoned once a week or so.

Why don’t you ask your son if he can bring the DC round? Your DIL doesn’t have to be involved if she doesn’t want to.

[MadameHomais]

I have often said I’m happy to mind the babies, take them out in the pram while DiL gets a rest. Anything she wants on her terms. My DD was so terrified of being apart from her first baby that I had to walk around her Cul de Sac over and over so baby wasn’t too far away from her!
I'm very laid back - I’ve offered directly and through my son.
They have had lots of financial help from me too all given willingly and I don’t expect anything in return. I was happy to do it as my parents did for me.

[TheUnlucky1]

My mother in law was very sweet and massively excited about just having an actual daughter-in-law. She must have thought she wouldn’t live to see the day…
I don’t suppose that helps and wasn’t quite what you asked.
Why not talk to your son about what you want.

[HangingBasketFuchsia]

That sounds hurtful.
Sounds like you are keeping the door open which is good. Keep on keeping on.
The children will grow up and remember more and be able to do more independent of their mum. I agree about focussing on your son too.

[MadameHomais]

karmakameleon

My DS did walk around with the twins in their pram in their first summer but as almost as soon as they arrived DiL would call or text to say she needed him back. I did wonder if she had postnatal anxiety - but if she did it was only around visits to us.

[Babynames2]

I have often said I’m happy to mind the babies, take them out in the pram while DiL gets a rest. Anything she wants on her terms

Maybe she’s not comfortable with this because you don’t see them that often. My MIL offers to have them every time we see her, but as they don’t know her well then I wouldn’t leave her with them. It’s up to your son to foster a closer relationship, it’s him you need to speak to and him you need to expect to facilitate that relationship.

And I’m not against MILs at all, I’ve tried with mine but she’s not interested! I asked her during the first lockdown to come to the farm with me and the kids after lockdown ended and she said ‘can I let you know I’m really busy the next few months’, we were still in lockdown! I took that as a definite brush off

[karmakameleon]

@MadameHomais

karmakameleon

My DS did walk around with the twins in their pram in their first summer but as almost as soon as they arrived DiL would call or text to say she needed him back. I did wonder if she had postnatal anxiety - but if she did it was only around visits to us.

When my children were babies I would never have let DH take them to PIL. I needed them close to me. We (he) invited them to see us but generally I couldn’t cope with them for long periods. I was breastfeeding and especially in those early weeks of trying to establish feeding didn’t want people around.

But now they are older, he takes them to lots of places without me and obviously that includes seeing his own parents. Why doesn’t he try again? Does he ever have them on his own at all?

[MissyB1]

Time for a more Frank conversation with your ds. Tell him what you have told us. That you would like a closer bond with your grandchildren as they are growing up. Remind him that the more adults who love a child and are in their lives the better. Then ask him how he can facilitate that.
You probably won’t be able to foster a better relationship with your Dil, it’s just who she is. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to get close to the children. Your ds needs to step up!

[karmakameleon]

I think you need to foster the relationship with your son and if he in turn has a strong relationship with his children (ie doesn’t leave everything to his wife) I think more time with your DGC will naturally follow.

[MadameHomais]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I think I shall try a very gentle approach to my DS. I was thinking earlier that I would just give up but you have all made me think it’s worth another try.
I would like my little grandsons to feel as comfortable with me as my granddaughters do. My own sons were such affectionate little boys. My DD always seemed to be more independent.

[HangingBasketFuchsia]

I kept my kids close as little ones. My mil might have described me as proper fussy but then I found my in-laws far too careless😂 from seatbelt ambivalence to advice like leaving toddlers alone in hotel rooms and going down for dinner.
These differences fade to insignificance as kids grow up.

[MadameHomais]

Hanging baskets - good advice!
I remember with my first baby not wanting him out of my sight, by the time my fourth was born I was happy for any responsible person to look after my others for an hour or two.

[Oblomov21]

You show no anger or frustration with your son. Where the heck is he in all of this? Is He some sort of wet blanket? How could he let this happen. To deny you this, show you such utter lack of respect and love.

I'd be having a frank and honest discussion with him.

Phone him up and ask him if he can pop round tell him that there is something important that you want to talk to him about - lay the foundations so that he knows that when he does come round, you have something specific to talk to him about.

Tell him exactly how you feel. everything that you've written here. You love him, you want to have a closer relationship with him, you want to see more of the grandchildren, you feel completely shut out.

Sounds like daughter-in-law is extremely shy and possibly has some sort of anxiety and attachment issue issues if she can't ever let go of her babies. I would definitely not say this to him because it will get fed back to her and she would be mightily upset by this. but you could phrase it in another way and say you are very sorry but you wonder if you've upset her in anyway ?and you don't wanna step on her toes but you've had a thought about this and you wondering how you can make this better and ask him what does he think?

What is his weak and pathetic excuse for treating you this way? where is your anger here? Loving son? for your supposedly fabulous son treating you like a piece of dirt?

How old are they again, the dc?

[Oblomov21]

I had no close backup because my mum lives 2 hours away, as does my 3 x lovely sister-in-law's. but once I had breastfeeding established I'd let anyone of sound mind and mediocre capability look after my 2 x ds's to give me an hours break!!

[TakeYourFinalPosition]

You love him, you want to have a closer relationship with him, you want to see more of the grandchildren, you feel completely shut out.

Genuine question - what if he doesn’t want that?

Because it seems that he could have done it, if he did. And OPs updates make it sound like she’s been clear that she likes to see them all and would happily look after the grandkids.

I have in-laws but no parents; and grew up in care; so tend to let other people lead family relationships. I take DHs lead with his, as others have said.

So maybe I’m just missing something because of that, or who I am… but it feels like that could backfire massively if he doesn’t want more.

How old are they, OP? If it makes you feel any better, I’m in my early 30s, most of my friends are around the same or mid 30s. The most common topic of conversation by far is how stressful it is trying to balance how much parents want to see people, and the rest of life, work, parenting, having friends.

We only have one set to deal with and it’s still a struggle. I always feel bad if we can’t meet them; even when we know that really they are just bored and don’t particularly want to see us.

[Usual2usual]

I'm not 'close' to my MIL but she does babysit my kids quite often (because a free, trusted babysitter is priceless).

My DH isn't the best when it comes to contacting her just to share news and often I have to prod him. He has issues with FIL so that can sometimes make things a bit awkward.

My brothers wife is awful to my poor Mother, told her at one point that my brother 'was part of her family now and didn't need his old family anymore' (think they had been together 6 months at thay point). Anyway she didn't count on how close my Mum and brother are.

I think you need to speak to your son.

[Lemonmelonsun]

Op this sounds so sad, I have an awful relationship with my Mil and I would have totally appreciated someone as thoughtful and gentle as you say you are to dil.

Only to things struck me, you said a few times about your house being clean, are you house proud, are you sure it's not too clean?

Secondly, yes this comes back to me you and your son, you need to try and have a conversation with him when he's relaxed and you can hopefully get some issues resolved but this may mean hearing what you Don't want to hear.

I always have a caveat hearing mils on here because I know how my Mil would present herself would also sound so reasonable and normal... The bottom line is, it's important to be realistic about how much you want to be closer to them and that may include hearing some unpleasant truths.
As someone else said your dil maybe just be incredibly boring and limited in her life scope.

[Lemonmelonsun]

• comes back to you and your son, not me and I 😂😂

[Coronawireless]

Yes, to repeat, talk to your son. And as the children get older your DIL will become less protective so it’s far, far too soon to give up. Just be persistent in a very patient, calm, friendly way. It must be infuriating tbh but don’t lose sight of your goal which is to have a good relationship with your son and grandsons (not necessarily DIL).

[MadameHomais]

I think when they lived with me my DiL was a bit threatened by my DS and I chatting a lot about work, we work in similar fields so can have a moan together etc. Maybe she felt a bit left out. We realised and monitored our behaviour.
If he rings when he DiL is around she always has a reason why he must ring off. I’ve noticed he mainly rings in office hours now- which doesn’t suit me really. We get a good conversation once a month I would say. He passes my house on his way home- most days he stops for a quick hello through the car window. He always says - Just checking you are alive!
They are both aged mid thirties.
Someone suggested he's a wet blanket, I think he’s sensitive to DiL’s needs. I think it’s right he prioritises his wife’s needs over mine. It’s just sad. Someone suggested earlier that it will get better as the twins get older. I’m hoping that is the case. Maybe if DiL goes back to work one day she might need me. My granddaughter’s will all be at school in the next few years so that might work out perfectly.

[StCharlotte]

I love my MIL although we have little in common. I love her because she is my husband's mother and that's a good enough reason for me.

[Coronawireless]

Keep offering to babysit - and whenever they do ask, make sure you drop everything to facilitate them. Not because you’re a doormat but because the children are so young and your DIL will be focused on them, not on you.

[BeQuietBrenda]

I think you have a "son" problem rather than a DIL one. You've known her long enough to know that she likes her own space, isn't one for deep and meaningful conversations, so she's an intorvert. Your son is the one who should take the lead in fostering his children's relationship with you. But first he needs to know, not gently - gently clearly hasn't worked. Don't go in guns blazing of course, but make it clear that you have a lot of love and time to give to your grandsons so what can you all do to nurture the relationship.

I get on well with my MIL and she clearly adores me. However I find her quite overbearing and am reluctant to spend time with her alone. We're due to move nearer to her soon and she's already planning lunches with her friends , trips out to the antique shops.... Oh my days, I'm a total hermit and I really enjoy time on my own over socialising! My heart is racing just typing it! I love her to pieces, we are just very different people and I prefer her in small doses (pretty much the same as my friends, as I say I'm a hermit!)

[StCharlotte]

Can your son bring the children round without her? They're his children too. Otherwise it does look like she's deliberately trying to deny you a relationship with them which is such a shame.

[Kingsway]

Can you organise 'grandchildren' day...with everyone's agreement. Just you, the Gc's together as cousins. Some fun outside in the garden and tea.
Perhaps your son and daughter might arrange an afternoon out together with their partners whilst you mind the kids.