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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
21Bee · 21/07/2021 19:32

When I was in this position as a teenager I chose to live with my dad, it wasn’t about which parent I loved more but about what I found the best living environment.

My dads house was much larger so I had my own bedroom. My mums house was cramped and my two younger brothers were noisy and frustrated me a lot as a teenager. I preferred having my own space and it being peaceful, it was nothing to do with my parents.

Budgetating · 21/07/2021 19:39

Are the house rules the same in both houses? It may be beneficial, seeing as you're on good terms, to sit down with exH (and partner?) and DD to discuss and agree what they should be.

I wouldn't be changing any rooms around for a good few months.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 19:50

Eldest DS seems to have his eye on her room, typical. But she seems to want her room to stay the same.

I’d keep her room as it is for now as you don’t want her to feel pushed out/not be able to come back if she wants. She’ll also need somewhere to stay when she spends the night.

On a different note it is lovely to hear on MN two parents who actually get on ok and communicate, who put their children first and not use them as a weapons and there’s no bad feelings towards the new gf.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Weebleweeble · 21/07/2021 20:03

Is she at secondary school or about to go to secondary school.
If she isn't at secondary school I would ask her to wait until she is settled in there before moving. As its' a big upheaval.

Perhaps she likes being away from her brothers - perhaps it's quieter.

AliceMcK · 21/07/2021 20:08

@godmum56 at 12yo yes I think she dose need to say why. As I said, it may be as simple as she just wants to be with her Dad, but it maybe something else driving this that the OP needs to be aware of. Op won’t know until her DD tells her why.

workingdad34 · 21/07/2021 20:10

You won't want to hear this ... but she is old enough to make up her own mind. Her needs must come first. Just make sure she knows the door is always open if she changes her mind. BTW I suspect your ex is also hurting not having his kids living with him

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/07/2021 20:18

I really think you need to speak to your DD on your own. Ex or the GF might have pressurised her and she might not want to say in front of him. He's had his private conversations so should you.
I have to say one month with each shocked me, it must be hard to maintain relationships with parents and siblings. Perhaps just a change in schedule is what she needs

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 21/07/2021 20:44

I would compromise with week on week off during the summer hols then reassess.

As others have said - her wants aren't necessarily the same as her needs.
My then 14 year old DSS wanted to live with his DM having lived with DH and I for 8 years since his DM walked out. We had to let him go but he's now back 2.5 years later and very much the sadder for it. He left under very false pretences and as a 14 year old he was extremely vulnerable and very easy to manipulate. 12 year olds don't have the emotional maturity to know what is in their best interests and living full time with her DF when there is no good reason not to do 50/50 is not in her best interests. Her relationship last with her brothers and you will suffer

AllosaurusMum · 21/07/2021 21:05

What good enough reasons were there to allow the 2 DS’s to live primarily with you?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/07/2021 21:23

@olivesnutsandcheeseplease

I would compromise with week on week off during the summer hols then reassess.

As others have said - her wants aren't necessarily the same as her needs.
My then 14 year old DSS wanted to live with his DM having lived with DH and I for 8 years since his DM walked out. We had to let him go but he's now back 2.5 years later and very much the sadder for it. He left under very false pretences and as a 14 year old he was extremely vulnerable and very easy to manipulate. 12 year olds don't have the emotional maturity to know what is in their best interests and living full time with her DF when there is no good reason not to do 50/50 is not in her best interests. Her relationship last with her brothers and you will suffer

week on and off? have you read the full post? She currently stays with Dad for month, then Mum for a month. I think she obviously stays there long enough to know which one she prefers.
billy1966 · 21/07/2021 21:49

I can't get my head around the month on and off.
In each house she is completely out of the loop when she returns.
Why would that have been seen as a good option?

I really think you need to sit on your own with her and find out how she is feeling.

Very difficult situation.

LadyEloise · 21/07/2021 22:53

How does your exh partner feel about the full time move ?

Paddling654 · 22/07/2021 00:06

I will decide when my DD needs me at age 12. I'm not a helpline for her to decide when to call. That can be part of parenting but it's not parenting, not at that age. Who cares if she's ten minutes away if I can't see what's going on and make my own adult decision and what's happening in her life and if I'm needed to intervene? No DD of mine is going to look back and think "Mum knew how tricky the teen years are and she didn't fight for me, she just let me go blithely off to do whatever without her oversight and guidance". Nope. There's not enough frontal cortex there and I've never met a man who really got teens girls.

Paddling654 · 22/07/2021 00:10

she is old enough to make up her own mind.

She is bloody not.

She's not old enough to vote, drive or have a Covid vaccine. Her body and brain are different to an adult's. We're not talking about 50/50 here. We're taking about reducing mum to a footnote at a time when she probably hasn't got to grips with menstruation let alone the pressures on teenagers today. She's still very much a child.

lborgia · 22/07/2021 00:56

I don't understand how anyone can can comment when we don't know Why? I mean, if course you can offer ideas, but without context it's moot.

OP, can you give us insight into what she has said before when she's discussed moving? Has it been during arguments? Matter of fact? I don't see how you can possibly gauge your response without knowing her reasoning.

BillMasen · 22/07/2021 08:10

@Billandben444

Why would she have to organise uniform or homework? The dad is her parent in that household so I’m sure he’ll manage.

I said 'take up the slack' not take it on! Presumably the OP would like to know that their DD is going to be competently supervised or will she be OK with her going to school, embarrassed, in dirty PE kit or a grubby shirt cos dad forgot? Don't go down the MN road of accusations of sexism when a 12-yr old's mental wellbeing is at stake. There are many threads on here haranguing 'stepmums' who refuse to step up and include their partner's child into the family. Double standards or what?!

Bookmar

You have a very low opinion of dads don’t you
BillMasen · 22/07/2021 08:13

@Worried234

I don't have a partner, no. XH and I separated four years ago. He left, and since then I've moved me and the children to a lovely home. He initially lived alone, in the next street, but for the last two years has lived with his partner locally. She's very nice. Kids all like her. There really isn't any bad feeling anywhere. Have spoken to XH today and we will get together with DD this weekend to discuss things. Eldest DS seems to have his eye on her room, typical. But she seems to want her room to stay the same. All very difficult. Thanks everyone.
I presume you wanted her to have a room at her dads even when she lived with you, so why would it be any different

Always on here people post that kids need rooms at their dads, even when they visit the odd weekend.

Blossomtoes · 22/07/2021 08:29

@Paddling654

she is old enough to make up her own mind.

She is bloody not.

She's not old enough to vote, drive or have a Covid vaccine. Her body and brain are different to an adult's. We're not talking about 50/50 here. We're taking about reducing mum to a footnote at a time when she probably hasn't got to grips with menstruation let alone the pressures on teenagers today. She's still very much a child.

Well the legal system doesn’t agree with you.

www.gov.uk/government/news/children-will-be-seen-and-heard-in-family-courts

diddl · 22/07/2021 08:41

@Paddling654

she is old enough to make up her own mind.

She is bloody not.

She's not old enough to vote, drive or have a Covid vaccine. Her body and brain are different to an adult's. We're not talking about 50/50 here. We're taking about reducing mum to a footnote at a time when she probably hasn't got to grips with menstruation let alone the pressures on teenagers today. She's still very much a child.

As heartbreaking as it would be for OP, her daughter would still only be 10mins away &presumably able to visit/stay over when she wants.

It's hardly a life changing irreversible decision!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/07/2021 08:57

@Paddling654

she is old enough to make up her own mind.

She is bloody not.

She's not old enough to vote, drive or have a Covid vaccine. Her body and brain are different to an adult's. We're not talking about 50/50 here. We're taking about reducing mum to a footnote at a time when she probably hasn't got to grips with menstruation let alone the pressures on teenagers today. She's still very much a child.

So what about situations where children live with mum as the RP and see dad EOW? Is that also wrong? Or is it only wrong when the dad is the RP?
Bibidy · 22/07/2021 09:31

@Worried234

The 50/50 was a month with me, then a month wirh him, and so on...
In this case OP, maybe try suggesting to her a one week on, one week off rotation instead first?

Maybe she feels a month is too long to be away from her dad (or whatever reason she wants to be in his house).

Bibidy · 22/07/2021 09:33

@Billandben444

Why would she have to organise uniform or homework? The dad is her parent in that household so I’m sure he’ll manage.

I said 'take up the slack' not take it on! Presumably the OP would like to know that their DD is going to be competently supervised or will she be OK with her going to school, embarrassed, in dirty PE kit or a grubby shirt cos dad forgot? Don't go down the MN road of accusations of sexism when a 12-yr old's mental wellbeing is at stake. There are many threads on here haranguing 'stepmums' who refuse to step up and include their partner's child into the family. Double standards or what?!

Bookmar

Umm this child already lives at her dad's for full months at a time. Presumably he manages this now so no reason to think he wouldn't if she lived with him full time.
NewlyGranny · 22/07/2021 09:37

OP, I'd give it six months at least before switching rooms around! Then talk to her about it, and how having the best room empty makes no sense if she's settled. A good move after that would be to decorate the bigger room to suit DS, move DD2 up to the next best room and decorate for her, then turn the smallest room into a nice space for DD1 to visit. She mustn't expect to hold onto the best bedroom just for odd visits.

Six months to a year is when she'll know if she's made a permanent move. I do feel for you; it was hard enough to wave goodbye to my DD1 at 18. We kept her room for her uni vacations etc for a whole year before moving DD2 out of her boxroom bedroom! DD1 did not like that one bit, but tough!

Paddling654 · 22/07/2021 09:38

If she moves out to return a day a week someone else will be mothering that child (and knowing what's going with them) most of the time. Probably the ex's partner who as nice as she might be, is not her mother. Not the one to show how tampons work, discuss Ucas forms at 2am, make tactful suggestions about friendships, shrewdly take the measure of a new boy and silently get tissues ready for the inevitable calamity. Someone else will be doing most of this. If I were the OP, I'd have enough faith in my role as a mother to be certain that needed to be me, because mothers are there for a reason.

diddl · 22/07/2021 10:03

@Paddling654

If she moves out to return a day a week someone else will be mothering that child (and knowing what's going with them) most of the time. Probably the ex's partner who as nice as she might be, is not her mother. Not the one to show how tampons work, discuss Ucas forms at 2am, make tactful suggestions about friendships, shrewdly take the measure of a new boy and silently get tissues ready for the inevitable calamity. Someone else will be doing most of this. If I were the OP, I'd have enough faith in my role as a mother to be certain that needed to be me, because mothers are there for a reason.
Bloody hell!

There's nothing there that the dad can't do!

And as said many times-Op is only 10mins/a phonecall away!

Posters are talking as if the daughter moves out there will never be any contact between her & her daughter again!

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