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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
Celandines · 21/07/2021 16:56

I suppose it's the reverse of what her siblings do. You'd be the one having her for a couple of days instead of your ex. If it's what she wants I'd allow it, like your ex has allowed the same with her siblings. She may change her mind if you allow it but if you refuse it she might want it all the more

LonginesPrime · 21/07/2021 16:58

The 50/50 was a month with me, then a month wirh him, and so on...

That sounds unsustainable - I can absolutely see why she'd want to feel settled in a home instead of constantly uprooting her home, especially while going through puberty and secondary school and all the other inevitable changes around growing up.

Assuming this is her decision (which is yet to be established, by the sound of it), it sounds like a very sensible one.

The question of which home should be her maim home is really one for you, her and her dad to sit down and discuss together, OP, as it sounds like you haven't had that opportunity yet.

Noterook · 21/07/2021 17:02

I'd say a month back and forth is probably really disruptive, my concern would be that there's more going on if it came out of the blue?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
meyi · 21/07/2021 17:03

Month to month is an awful set up, try the trial ex h is suggesting and talk to her about visiting during the week/weekends, as PP said, it must be tough that she's missing out on huge amounts shared experiences with this setup.

rookiemere · 21/07/2021 17:06

I always think 50/50 must be hard on the DC as no permanent home as such.
Map

BuddhaAtSea · 21/07/2021 17:10

It’s agonising and I don’t know the answer to that OP. My hands were tied, I was the parent who did the parenting, therefore not as much fun as the other one.
I grieved for a long time. Hugs to you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/07/2021 17:12

@Bryonyshcmyony

It seems utterly mad that it's up to the 12 year old
Er, why? My parents were divorced and for various reasons I chose to stop seeing my dad at age 11. I'd have been furious if I'd have been forced into it.

12 is absolutely old enough to decide what she wants to do and her wishes should be respected.

OP, I understand the devastation you must feel. I'm divorced and I'd feel the same way if DS decided to live with his dad most of the time. But shunting between 2 houses can get really tiresome for kids and I think it's fair that you let her try it and see how it works out.

As for people saying "tell her no because you'd miss her too much" yeah, great idea to guilt trip a 12 year old that had no say in her parents divorce.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2021 17:12

I agree with Confusedandshaken. Your dd should not be given total licence to decide contact arrangements. You and your ex both sound like you are co parenting well.

I think would be useful for you and her to get to the bottom of your dd’s reasons if she knows what they are. I also think a month at each house is hugely disruptive. She just gets settled and presumably has to move a huge amount of stuff between houses. And stuff gets so important for girls from about 12 - the right clothes, makeup, various hair styling wands, iPads and chargers etc.

So is it about having a base, getting on with her dad better, wanting more freedom, wanting to get away from her elder brother. Does he treat her with respect verbally and physically? This could even be simple and that she feels different from her new friends at secondary and therefore embarrassed.

At 12 hormones are all over the place. My dd is now 13 but at 12 in terms of risk assessments and decision making she was a headless chicken. She’s not much better yet. But I can see her maturing slowly, pushing boundaries massively. I have read that it’s often the time when girls feel they have to push away from their mums to become the future woman they need to be. Your dd has the option to do this with you early or from a distance. Idk if this is the correct approach. Having some time away could be good. So spending the 6 weeks with her dad, if possible coming home to you for 2 days a week, then making a contact agreement, which works better would be good. And above all making time to have 121 time with her delving into her world.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/07/2021 17:16

I wonder how many people saying a 12 year old shouldn't decide contact arrangements actually have divorced parents themselves and understand what it is like.

Guavafish · 21/07/2021 17:16

Let her
She will move back eventually

MattDamon · 21/07/2021 17:29

OP, I'd suggest speaking to a lawyer if you want proper advice.

My partner's sister went through this during her divorce. Her 13-year-old wanted to live with his dad, and while his wishes were considered, he did not have the final say. His mum retained custody. Keeping the sibling group together was something mentioned by the court. At no point was it ever referred to as being down to the 13-year-old's choice, but he was made to feel listened to, which was enough.

RadandMad · 21/07/2021 17:45

@Waxonwaxoff0

I wonder how many people saying a 12 year old shouldn't decide contact arrangements actually have divorced parents themselves and understand what it is like.
Yup. Child of divorced parents here. I wanted to live with my dad but it wasn't allowed, and I'm glad, to be honest. What I can see now that I couldn't see then is how very self involved he is.
Theworldisquiethere · 21/07/2021 17:47

A month each way is ridiculous, I’m not surprised she wants a more stable arrangement. I’m shocked that people think she can’t possibly prefer staying with her dad without there being some kind of manipulation or ‘fun’ parenting behind her decision. If the houses are 10 mins apart it will only be a couple of years until she can take herself between houses when she wants anyway.

gogohm · 21/07/2021 17:50

In all honesty it is probably a case of her wanting to be in the same room each night and as you are close she can still see you. I have one of my DD's living with me and one of dp's because it's what worked best for them - we made it clear they always have a home here but they could choose

AngelDelightUk · 21/07/2021 18:00

If she has a month with you then a month with her dad, I honestly can’t see how her spending the whole summer holidays will change how she feels as she’s used to spending that amount of time there.

Does he spoil her or something? Or does she like the quietness there. Or even do they have a pet which she really loves?

Billandben444 · 21/07/2021 18:14

There's been no mention of dad's GF - does she want DD to live with them full time? Is she happy to take up the slack with uniform and homework and the like?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2021 18:26

@Billandben444

There's been no mention of dad's GF - does she want DD to live with them full time? Is she happy to take up the slack with uniform and homework and the like?
Why would she have to organise uniform or homework? The dad is her parent in that household so I’m sure he’ll manage.
Feedingthebirds1 · 21/07/2021 18:41

The thing is, if it's already a month at mum's and then a month at dad's, the six week summer holiday isn't actually that much of a difference. It can be a starting point, but may need more.

FeelingAwfulll · 21/07/2021 19:00

@Worried234 what made you guys come up with the 50/50 month on month off arrangement if you don’t mind me asking. This probably has a lot to do with her wanting to move to dads

Billandben444 · 21/07/2021 19:11

Why would she have to organise uniform or homework? The dad is her parent in that household so I’m sure he’ll manage.

I said 'take up the slack' not take it on! Presumably the OP would like to know that their DD is going to be competently supervised or will she be OK with her going to school, embarrassed, in dirty PE kit or a grubby shirt cos dad forgot? Don't go down the MN road of accusations of sexism when a 12-yr old's mental wellbeing is at stake. There are many threads on here haranguing 'stepmums' who refuse to step up and include their partner's child into the family. Double standards or what?!

Bookmar

Stan1408 · 21/07/2021 19:13

@godmum56

all these folk who say "I wouldn't allow that" How will you stop it?
This
Original poster
Worried234 · 21/07/2021 19:14

I don't have a partner, no.
XH and I separated four years ago. He left, and since then I've moved me and the children to a lovely home. He initially lived alone, in the next street, but for the last two years has lived with his partner locally. She's very nice. Kids all like her. There really isn't any bad feeling anywhere.
Have spoken to XH today and we will get together with DD this weekend to discuss things. Eldest DS seems to have his eye on her room, typical. But she seems to want her room to stay the same.
All very difficult.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Snookie00 · 21/07/2021 19:26

@Billandben444

Why would she have to organise uniform or homework? The dad is her parent in that household so I’m sure he’ll manage.

I said 'take up the slack' not take it on! Presumably the OP would like to know that their DD is going to be competently supervised or will she be OK with her going to school, embarrassed, in dirty PE kit or a grubby shirt cos dad forgot? Don't go down the MN road of accusations of sexism when a 12-yr old's mental wellbeing is at stake. There are many threads on here haranguing 'stepmums' who refuse to step up and include their partner's child into the family. Double standards or what?!

Bookmar

The OPs child already lives there 50% for 4 weeks at a time. Do you not think it would have been spotted by now if her dad and step mum weren’t washing her clothes? Just because you know useless neglectful men it doesn’t mean they all are.
Tavannach · 21/07/2021 19:28

Is this a brother issue, not a mother issue?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 21/07/2021 19:31

@Paddling654

I wouldn't. Girls need their mothers in ways they don't necessarily know they will. My girls will be parented at least half the time by me until they're ready to fly. That's it.
This is such BS.