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Original poster

My best friend changed the hen party plans and uninvited me.

231 replies

katiie3 · 18/07/2021 23:09

My best friend is getting married and I’m bridesmaid.

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

I work 9-5 and cannot change my working day, so I told her that I can join them after work but she said it will be too late and they will all want to go home as they would have been out all day so it’s fine if I don’t come anymore.

I’m very upset. I feel quite hurt that she has changed the plans and “uninvited me”.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Bedsheets4knickers · 19/07/2021 12:37

I have just been bridesmaid and I can say it will honestly be the last time for so many reasons .

Lara53 · 19/07/2021 12:39

Tell her to sod right off. She’s a dick

spinningspaniels · 19/07/2021 12:40

Being a Bride doesn't give you a free pass to hurt people.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Motnight · 19/07/2021 12:44

It's horrible when you realise that you don't mean as much to someone as they do to you, Op.

I personally would pull out of the wedding, and forward the surprises to her beforehand.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Honeyroar · 19/07/2021 12:55

I can understand you’re upset that you can’t go, but I totally understand why the bride has done this. Lots of people seem to have to be isolating at the moment. A couple of my friends have had Covid recently- not bad enough for hospital or anything, but bad enough that it would’ve obviously cancelled a wedding. She’s just trying to limit the risk of having to cancel her wedding. Surely you can see that? It’s not been done to deliberately exclude you. It sounds like she’s given up on the hen idea and is just having a few hours at a spa as a gesture rather than a big do. That’s why she’s not bothered about it carrying on later, it’s not a big deal.. I’d tell her that you feel gutted that you can no longer go, see what she says. While her change of plans seems reasonable she hasn’t been very sensitive about it. She sounds a bit obsessed over the wedding and details. I guess it’s been a nerve wrecking thing planning a wedding in these times if you want fancy!

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/07/2021 13:03

"It’s so bizarre. And she has given me a big list of things to do on the morning of the wedding, yet I’m not even going to the hen."

"I did say I could meet her back at hers in the evening but she wasn’t keen on the idea. But the list and errands for the wedding are still waiting for me."

It's best that you return that list to her prior to her hen spa, so that she can redistribute these tasks to her current BFFs, since she clearly does not value your friendship at all.

supersop60 · 19/07/2021 13:10

OP - have I got this right? Did YOU organise the original hen do, with the surprises? And then the bride changed the time and venue without discussing it with you? and then said not to bother popping round on the evening after the Hen spa thing?
If so, that's pretty shoddy behaviour.
It needs a conversation.
That is not how you treat a so-called best friend.

JavaQ · 19/07/2021 13:16

@Nuggetnugget

So strange. No way would I do all the drudgery on the day when she's treated you so badly. You could get 'pinged' the day before the wedding Wink No suggesting it but you know.. It happens
...or, you know, the MORNING of the wedding. 5am or so. Maybe even 4am. Always good to give plenty of notice.
updownroundandround · 19/07/2021 13:23

@katiie3

As PP's have said, she's maybe not thinking too clearly right now, so I'd be giving her the benefit of the doubt by speaking to her directly and telling her how upset you are that she doesn't seem to give a shiny shit whether you can participate in the Hen party or not, despite you having arranged for some lovely 'surprises' on the day.

I'd be asking ''Bridezilla, I'm really upset about not being able to go to the Hen party. It seems like you really couldn't care less whether I'm there to share your day or not.''

How she responds will help you decide what you'd like to do next.

starfishmummy · 19/07/2021 13:23

I'd be having a conversation about this to try to get to the bottom of it.

Its confusing. If the OP made the bookings for the original plans then most places would expect cancellations to be made by her and not someone else. There may also be costs from the first one like non refundable deposits that the OP could still be liable for.

tinglymint · 19/07/2021 13:34

Maybe she thought what was originally planned was too OTT for what she fancied? Spa day and a few drinks sounds fairly relaxed. It all sounds last minute so she might not have had much choice with the availability of the spa in question?

I wish I could go back in time and change my hen. My bridesmaids insisted on planning mine as a suprise. All I knew was the date. They got it so wrong with a couple of things they suprised me with. I appreciated the effort they went to of course and no one knew anything was wrong but the things they planned were just not me and I didn't have a great time over all.

WeeM · 19/07/2021 13:51

The main issue for me here is not so much that she’s changed it but it’s the way she’s gone about it. I know if my best friend has a job where she has to work 9-5 and has difficulty changing this at short notice. I would therefore be desperate to try and find a solution that meant she (and other bridesmaids/family) could be there. Obviously this might not be possible at short notice but I’d talk about it first and try my hardest to find a solution. Not just go ahead and book something else that I know she won’t make. And if I had to do this I’d say to my friend I’m really sorry and we’d have a dinner/drinks together later on.

FunMcCool · 19/07/2021 14:04

Can you not book holiday?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 19/07/2021 14:09

op hasnt been back at all today.

missmopple · 19/07/2021 14:10

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

If she has done this without telling you, then how do you know?

Russell19 · 19/07/2021 14:15

@AbsolutelyPatsy

op hasnt been back at all today.
She is working, can't book holiday
Thiscantreallybehappening · 19/07/2021 14:17

I can understand you’re upset that you can’t go, but I totally understand why the bride has done this. Lots of people seem to have to be isolating at the moment. A couple of my friends have had Covid recently- not bad enough for hospital or anything, but bad enough that it would’ve obviously cancelled a wedding. She’s just trying to limit the risk of having to cancel her wedding. Surely you can see that? It’s not been done to deliberately exclude you. It sounds like she’s given up on the hen idea and is just having a few hours at a spa as a gesture rather than a big do. That’s why she’s not bothered about it carrying on later, it’s not a big deal.. I’d tell her that you feel gutted that you can no longer go, see what she says. While her change of plans seems reasonable she hasn’t been very sensitive about it. She sounds a bit obsessed over the wedding and details. I guess it’s been a nerve wrecking thing planning a wedding in these times if you want fancy!

Well maybe, BUT the OP did organise the original hen so it is hurtful not to at least explain to the OP that she was doing this and why. Let's not forget, OP found out about these new arrangements after it had all been rearranged so it was quite a shock. Also, OP did offer to go later or to see her later. If the bride was that worried about Covid she would be cancelling then hen but she has rearranged and other friends are going.

I think she has some shiny new friends and they are her priority and for whatever reason she doesn't want OP there. However, OP is good enough to run errands and fulfil other roles so bride can have her big day run smoothly.

I'm not saying OP should pull out of the wedding. Only OP can decide what she wants to do and how to deal with this.

IntermittentParps · 19/07/2021 14:35

How could there be surprises through the day if it was just in the evening??
Common sense suggests that the OP means 'through the event'.

OP, if she's genuinely your best friend, talk to her? Say you're so sad that you can't come and see what she says?
But if she's more concerned about having 'the hen party she wanted' in terms of location etc than about having you there, I'm not sure she's your best friend. Having said that, people can go a bit nuts around weddings.

justasmalltownmum · 19/07/2021 14:43

Well obviously give her list back.

Duggeehugs82 · 19/07/2021 16:26

@Honeyroar

I can understand you’re upset that you can’t go, but I totally understand why the bride has done this. Lots of people seem to have to be isolating at the moment. A couple of my friends have had Covid recently- not bad enough for hospital or anything, but bad enough that it would’ve obviously cancelled a wedding. She’s just trying to limit the risk of having to cancel her wedding. Surely you can see that? It’s not been done to deliberately exclude you. It sounds like she’s given up on the hen idea and is just having a few hours at a spa as a gesture rather than a big do. That’s why she’s not bothered about it carrying on later, it’s not a big deal.. I’d tell her that you feel gutted that you can no longer go, see what she says. While her change of plans seems reasonable she hasn’t been very sensitive about it. She sounds a bit obsessed over the wedding and details. I guess it’s been a nerve wrecking thing planning a wedding in these times if you want fancy!
U have no idea if this is the reason. And any genuine friend would have spoke to their best friend /bridesmaid beforehand.
Duggeehugs82 · 19/07/2021 16:28

Especially if the event is being changed from what the "best friend" organised to whatever the bride decided

user1471538283 · 19/07/2021 16:47

That would be it for me. Let her other bridesmaids do all the work on the day.

Honeyroar · 19/07/2021 18:11

Of course I don’t know if that’s genuinely correct- but it’s quite likely.

Hathertonhariden · 19/07/2021 18:18

@Honeyroar. In that case why rearrange for an indoor venue? I wonder whether this is a new group of friends (as OP doesn't seem to be close to them) who the bride is trying to impress, but is relying on dependable old friend to do all the running around on the wedding morning.

MsHedgehog · 19/07/2021 18:22

So you haven’t been uninvited, it’s been moved forward on the same day to a time that is no longer convenient to you?

And sounds like it’ll be over by the evening, rather than the bride not wanting to see you?

The bride understandably doesn’t want a big night out and changed the plans. Why do you feel like it’s a snub towards you?

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