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Original poster

My best friend changed the hen party plans and uninvited me.

231 replies

katiie3 · 18/07/2021 23:09

My best friend is getting married and I’m bridesmaid.

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

I work 9-5 and cannot change my working day, so I told her that I can join them after work but she said it will be too late and they will all want to go home as they would have been out all day so it’s fine if I don’t come anymore.

I’m very upset. I feel quite hurt that she has changed the plans and “uninvited me”.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
CarnationCat · 19/07/2021 09:52

She doesn't seem like a friend. Seems like she is using you. Doesn't want to spend her hen do with you but wants you to run around after her on her wedding day. Like unpaid help.

I agree with a pp. Tell her how upset you are that the hen do has been arranged at a time you can't go. See what she says. If she's indifferent, I would cut my losses, not go to the wedding and distance myself from her.

Hathertonhariden · 19/07/2021 09:55

@SarahBop

Can you pull a sickie from work so that you can attend? Make sure your facebook settings are set so that people can't tag you without permission/photos won't be seen by work colleagues.
Apart from it being risky and morally wrong, why do this when the bride isn't bothered about the OP being there?
3Britnee · 19/07/2021 09:57

@katiie3

So she has changed the hen party into a day time thing, so it’s a lunch spa etc. And then a few drink. She isn’t going out into town afterwards due to the risk of catching covid before the wedding etc

I did say I could meet her back at hers in the evening but she wasn’t keen on the idea. But the list and errands for the wedding are still waiting for me.

I'd let her down and pull out at the absolute last minute. Fuck her.

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Weddings
33feethighandrising · 19/07/2021 10:03

@saraclara

Nowhere has the OP said that the bride changed it due to covid. So why is everyone suddenly assuming she did? A spa is the worst place you could choose for covid risk. The only mention of config was that the bride didn't want to go into town afterwards, because of covid.
Yes, and the original plan was an evening thing. The OP says:

She isn’t going out into town afterwards due to the risk of catching covid before the wedding etc so this is obviously an issue.

Tbh, the OP really hasn't given us enough information about the bride's motivaiton to really know what's going on here. That she's cautious about covid (understandable IMO) is all we have to go on

I'm shocked at all the posters encouraging the OP to have ruin her friendship or to see this as a deliberate snub, on such scant information.

This isn't a soap opera, posters are real people and with real lives.

Why would you meddle in someone else's life and wind them up like this when they're obviously upset, without even trying to find out the full story?

NCJuly2021 · 19/07/2021 10:08

Why would you meddle in someone else's life and wind them up like this when they're obviously upset, without even trying to find out the full story?

This, 100%. Typical MN users, take pleasure in telling others to ruin relationships but would no doubt act differently if in the same situation.

It sounds like the hen is on the exact same day.

THE. SAME. DAY!

It’s simply earlier in the day, when OP is working. She hasn’t been uninvited, she simply can’t make it.

ddl1 · 19/07/2021 10:20

Why did she change things at the last minute? It seems very inconsiderate, unless there's a very good reason.

NCJuly2021 · 19/07/2021 10:23

@ddl1

Why did she change things at the last minute? It seems very inconsiderate, unless there's a very good reason.
Covid - she doesn’t want to go out on the town and risk getting covid...
Bbub · 19/07/2021 10:25

I would be upset in the OPs shoes but OH MY GOD what are all these horrible posters playing at!!

I'm another one saying ignore the shit stirrers! To let her down the way some of the posters are suggesting is really fucking low but I'm sure you're not going to do that because you're a decent person.

Just have a chat with her and let her know you're really disappointed you can't attend, if she seems to be acting shitty then try and farm out some of the tasks to others as maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought, but it doesn't sound like you've been deliberately singled out. She's probably not having the hen party of her dreams, she's just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

Spotsandstars · 19/07/2021 10:31

I would have a conversation with her, express gently how you feel. Then I would attend the wedding do all that's asked of me because I'm consistent when I commit to things. Then I would fade her out unless by a miracle she's very apologetic..

neveradullmoment99 · 19/07/2021 10:33

@Notaroadrunner

No and I'd tell her to shove her wedding up her arse!
Absolutely
BRIGHTLILLY · 19/07/2021 10:35

I think you need to take a step back and realise your worth! My best friend was my saviour and kept me going when I got stressed. She was my right hand woman and I could not have done it without her. That's hiw someone should look at their best friend not ditch them. Find yourself some new friends because quiet frankly she sounds a vile person.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2021 10:38

@katiie3 have you spoken to bride

Any one else isn’t going

BitterTits · 19/07/2021 10:39

Fuck whether or not she's pissed off at you for some reason. She needs to know that she's been rude and offensive. You'll know where you stand with your chores and bridesmaid duties from her response. You don't suddenly go 'all bridezilla' - it takes a selfish kind of person to begin with.

BitterTits · 19/07/2021 10:40

@Spotsandstars

I would have a conversation with her, express gently how you feel. Then I would attend the wedding do all that's asked of me because I'm consistent when I commit to things. Then I would fade her out unless by a miracle she's very apologetic..
This sounds a lot like stamping the word Welcome across your chest then lying down.
Duggeehugs82 · 19/07/2021 10:44

The fact she did this without your involvement is the issue. If u r genuinely a best friend a conversation would have happened before or during the change. Thats what i would have been upset about. And i think u have every right. I would definitely tell her how u feel.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2021 10:46

IF the bride had contacted the OP prior to making these unilateral changes, and explained that she felt she wanted something different, more covid safe blah blah, THEN people might have a point that this isn't that bad.

But she didn't. She reset all the plans, told the OP once it was a done deal and doesn't seem remotely bothered that the OP is now unable to come.

Doesn't sound like she's being particularly fair to the OP, does it.

@katiie3 - up to you what you do about it but I think you have every right to be upset, because your friend didn't consider you once in this whole situation, and that's not the action of a best friend.

I arranged my entire wedding date around dates that my best friend could attend - that's what best friends do, in my experience! Not cut them out without a thought.

Duggeehugs82 · 19/07/2021 10:48

Also remembering the op said the bride isnt keen on the op seeing her after when she finishes work. Thats not what a friend or best friend would do, u would genuinely want to spend time with ur friends on ur hen. Its literally the whole point of it. The fact she doesnt want to do that, just shows regardless of the reason she isnt treating her as a friend

Chickychickydodah · 19/07/2021 10:55

I think it’s horrid of her, I would say your not going to the wedding and ditch her, she’s not a real friend

Eggshausted · 19/07/2021 11:03

Shame you will have to self isolate on thee wedding day…..would love to know the list of duties.

Youdiditanyway · 19/07/2021 11:05

Completely bizarre behaviour! I’d have to ask why she had done this, whether you have done anything to offend her etc. I’d be considering pulling out of the wedding all together tbh.

Bibidy · 19/07/2021 11:08

@Bbub

I would be upset in the OPs shoes but OH MY GOD what are all these horrible posters playing at!!

I'm another one saying ignore the shit stirrers! To let her down the way some of the posters are suggesting is really fucking low but I'm sure you're not going to do that because you're a decent person.

Just have a chat with her and let her know you're really disappointed you can't attend, if she seems to be acting shitty then try and farm out some of the tasks to others as maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought, but it doesn't sound like you've been deliberately singled out. She's probably not having the hen party of her dreams, she's just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

I agree - I'm obviously in the minority but I really don't think this is that bad??

It's not like OP has been cut out of her own birthday party, it's the bride's hen and she'd prefer to do something during the day so she changed it?

Maybe she was hoping OP (and everyone else I guess?) could get it off work but isn't too worried if people can't make it.

I feel like this has been taken very personally when there's every chance it wasn't meant that way.

randomlyLostInWales · 19/07/2021 11:14

F the bride had contacted the OP prior to making these unilateral changes, and explained that she felt she wanted something different, more covid safe blah blah, THEN people might have a point that this isn't that bad.

But she didn't. She reset all the plans, told the OP once it was a done deal and doesn't seem remotely bothered that the OP is now unable to come.

Doesn't sound like she's being particularly fair to the OP, does it.

This - I don't think she behaved well but how you deal with it depends on how you want the relationship to go forward.

Do you want to back away from this huge list waiting for you - can you deligate push back on it - has something happend behind the scenes that you can get to the bottom of - are you passing on all the messages you had planned as asurprise see if that open her eyes to the work you'd already put in - or do you think maybe this friendship has run it course and if so can you back our gracefully before the wedding or is it better to go to wedding do as much as you feel you can and then cool things ?

JudgeJ · 19/07/2021 11:18

[quote katiie3]**@WeeM* @Justforphoto* I found out a few days ago and the hen is next week

@ShowMeTheSugar the bride was told of the hen plans due to covid etc so she was told of the dates, location etc

Kept the surprises through the day from her[/quote]
Covid, the go-to excuse!

Surprise her, don't do any of your 'jobs' on the day and don't turn up for the wedding!

JudgeJ · 19/07/2021 11:21

@Bbub

I would be upset in the OPs shoes but OH MY GOD what are all these horrible posters playing at!!

I'm another one saying ignore the shit stirrers! To let her down the way some of the posters are suggesting is really fucking low but I'm sure you're not going to do that because you're a decent person.

Just have a chat with her and let her know you're really disappointed you can't attend, if she seems to be acting shitty then try and farm out some of the tasks to others as maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought, but it doesn't sound like you've been deliberately singled out. She's probably not having the hen party of her dreams, she's just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

'Decent person' is often another way of saying 'mug'. Why is the bride-person expecting decency from anyone, she's hardly been decent herself?
Oakmaiden · 19/07/2021 11:27

You say she doesn't mind who can or cannot attend so long as she gets her hen party. She is very selfish indeed.

Or she does really mind but is trying not to be all Bridezilla about it and is instead hiding her disappointment and to be understanding about people who are now unable to come.

It is a shame, but with apparently only a week to go I doubt there was a lot of "wiggle room" when it came to choosing dates that the OP could make it, so she decided just to go for the date that she could and to accept that some people would be able to come and some wouldn't. Entirely likely it didn't occur to her that OP wouldn't be able to come, but having rebooked she is just having to accept that not everyone can make it.

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