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Original poster

My best friend changed the hen party plans and uninvited me.

231 replies

katiie3 · 18/07/2021 23:09

My best friend is getting married and I’m bridesmaid.

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

I work 9-5 and cannot change my working day, so I told her that I can join them after work but she said it will be too late and they will all want to go home as they would have been out all day so it’s fine if I don’t come anymore.

I’m very upset. I feel quite hurt that she has changed the plans and “uninvited me”.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2021 07:58

If it’s a covid scare then why do a spa

Outside in pub garden having a drink less risk

Or even drinks at brides house

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 07:59

id try and get the afternoon off work if poss before getting upset

growinggreyer · 19/07/2021 08:00

Not everyone has a job where you can just casually request an afternoon off. Maybe OP is a teacher, or a nurse etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

Standrewsschool · 19/07/2021 08:06

You title sounds like the bride has deliberately un-invited you. I don’t think this is the case.

For whatever reason, the bride has changed the hen party details, and probably expected everyone to fall in line with her. However, you (and other guests) can no longer do the new date. It wasn’t personal against you.

The fact that she is still discussing wedding plans with you, shows you are still important to her and wants you to be included in her big day.

AbsolutelySure · 19/07/2021 08:09

You're in an awful predicament - pulling out of the wedding will not look good for you as no one will understand your reasoning. You say she doesn't mind who can or cannot attend so long as she gets her hen party. She is very selfish indeed.

Is there no way you can get the time off work and attend the hen party? I don't think this is personal, she's just very selfish and proving to be an ungrateful friend.

I'd get on with the wedding and keep her at arms length afterwards.

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 08:11

@growinggreyer

Not everyone has a job where you can just casually request an afternoon off. Maybe OP is a teacher, or a nurse etc.

of course, but OP works 9-5 and its summer holidays, so unlikely either of those. Id at least try and rearrange before assuming she hates me, is using me etc.

If I really thought that it was more malice than thoughtlessness (usually isnt) then of course thats different and i might drop out as bridesmaid

AbsolutelyPatsy · 19/07/2021 08:11

are you the only bridesmaid?
she is changing to lunch instead of evening due to covid?
can you take the afternoon off work?

ThatOtherPoster · 19/07/2021 08:13

I see this differently…

If the original hen do was a night out drinking in busy pubs/bars, I’d be terrified of getting Covid or just getting pinged. I’d want to do something less risky. So that wasn’t a snub to you.

If you said you couldn’t make it, I’d understand and tell you that was ok to help you not feel bad for not being able to go. So that wasn’t a snub.

After a long day with people, I wouldn’t really then want someone coming round to my house that evening. I find socialising tiring sometimes (but I’m old) and want to curl up on the sofa. So I don’t see that as a definite snub.

I’d store this away. If she carries on being like this, I’d distance myself.

Sittinginthesand · 19/07/2021 08:13

OP I’m sure it’s nothing personal! FGS don’t let her down as a bridesmaid over and it! People on here are v quick to read negative intentions!

33feethighandrising · 19/07/2021 08:14

@AbsolutelySure

Is there no way you can get the time off work and attend the hen party? I don't think this is personal, she's just very selfish and proving to be an ungrateful friend.

I'd get on with the wedding and keep her at arms length afterwards.

WTF? It's the bride's hen, no?

Why should she spend it doing something she feels is a covid risk to herself and her guests?

That's not selfish! That's sensible. There's a pandemic on, had you noticed?

LookItsMeAgain · 19/07/2021 08:14

Are you ignoring the posts that are saying she isn't your best friend (best friends don't re-arrange events so that their best friend can't make it but do give them lists of stuff for a wedding day expecting them to be there).

Have a conversation with her. Tell her you are very hurt that she did this, for whatever reason seemed reasonable to her, and that you are handing back the list of tasks for the wedding day so that she can pass them on to another one of her bridesmaids and you will attend her wedding as a guest only.

Have a bit of gumption and don't be her dogsbody on her wedding day.

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 08:21

yes i think id try and clarify whether it was a demotion from being a bridesmaid because you feel a bit shit that youve gone from being chief bridesmaid from being effectively excluded from the hen party.
If shes gone all bridezilla she might not even register that youd have strong feelings about it unless pointed out.
Sometimes people need someone to remind them about reality

Dozer · 19/07/2021 08:23

In the context of covid, her reasons for changing plans seem reasonable. Ditto not extending them to the evening, or hosting you separately in the evening of that day.

If you can’t get or don’t have annual leave left for a day or half day off work, that’s a shame, but it’s not a big deal to miss a small ‘hen do’.

Small ‘duties’ on the wedding day are often part of being a bridesmaid, and unrelated to the hen do issue.

You’d be U to make a fuss over it IMO.

saraclara · 19/07/2021 08:24

Nowhere has the OP said that the bride changed it due to covid. So why is everyone suddenly assuming she did? A spa is the worst place you could choose for covid risk.
The only mention of config was that the bride didn't want to go into town afterwards, because of covid.

Blueskytoday06 · 19/07/2021 08:26

Are spa's exempt from COVID then ?

Can you take a days leave to attend ?

Dozer · 19/07/2021 08:29

Disagree about spas being intrinsically higher covid risk than other venues. Presumably the bride has decided that she’d prefer daytime in a spa with limited numbers and lunch etc at the same venue to doing evening things in different venues, in town. Fair enough!

Chloemol · 19/07/2021 08:30

She could have said join later, or could have said pop in for the evening

Now you know she is not much of a friend I would be backing out of bridesmaid duties and leaving her to it

I would do it now before the hen

uktrippin · 19/07/2021 08:32

"I can't believe you're not angrier about this."

OP don't listen to goady posters like this. They enjoy winding people up and this one does it every thread.

Was the original plan a night out? I can understand why she's changed her mind tbh. Especially with the pubs near me stripping the "covid safe" stuff out ready for "freedom day". The spa on the other hand is continuing with their social distancing measures.

Imagine planning a wedding day then having to cancel because of a night in the pub where they've actively advertised that there will be zero social distancing.

uktrippin · 19/07/2021 08:32

"Are spa's exempt from COVID then ?"

Yeah, yeah they are

Shodan · 19/07/2021 08:39

If she is a 'best friend', I would at the very least have expected a conversation before the arrangements were changed - "I'm really worried about the possibility of being told to isolate- I think a spa would be safer, would there be any chance of you getting a day off to do that instead? I don't want to have my hen do without you" etc. That would've given the opportunity to discuss other possibilities. That doesn't seem to be what's happened though.

As for still 'including OP in her special day' - OP can be included by simply being a guest at the wedding. No need for her to complete a long list of tasks on the morning of the wedding to qualify for the dubious 'honour' of simply being included...

Aisforharlot · 19/07/2021 08:42

My former best friend went a bit bridezilla over her hen - she uninvited me from the whole wedding because I didn't want to come clubbing (I have anxiety and am autistic).
We limped along for a couple more years, but we don't speak any more.

MadameOvary81 · 19/07/2021 08:46

I don't think YABU to be miffed, OP. A (now ex!) best friend of mine did something similar. She had three bank holiday weekends to choose from to book her hen do on and she decided on the one that fell on my 30th birthday, i'm sure in a weird attempt to see if I would prioritise her....i didn't! She went off on her hen and I went away with real friends. I was always aware she was a selfish bastard but this was one of the final nails in the coffin for our friendship. Does your "friend" have form for these things?

The way I see it; if they loved you and wanted you to be part of their arrangements, they would tweak things to make sure you could attend. She didn't even consult you to see if you could get the day off. I expect she has just presumed (like my old friend) that you would gladly jump through hoops for her, at your own expense. She needs a reality check that the world doesn't revolve around her because she's a bride-to-be.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 19/07/2021 08:46

she is under pressure perhaps op - it is a shame but let it go

AbsolutelyPatsy · 19/07/2021 08:48

it is HER day op after all

SayWhatNow002 · 19/07/2021 08:53

Can you speak to her to let her know how you feel?

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