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Original poster

My best friend changed the hen party plans and uninvited me.

231 replies

katiie3 · 18/07/2021 23:09

My best friend is getting married and I’m bridesmaid.

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

I work 9-5 and cannot change my working day, so I told her that I can join them after work but she said it will be too late and they will all want to go home as they would have been out all day so it’s fine if I don’t come anymore.

I’m very upset. I feel quite hurt that she has changed the plans and “uninvited me”.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Bodgers · 19/07/2021 11:32

Is is possible she is terrified of catching COVID from you (as she seems very anxious about it general)? Given that all the people attending don’t work, whereas you are presumably interacting with people all day?

grapewine · 19/07/2021 11:35

@SarahBop

Can you pull a sickie from work so that you can attend? Make sure your facebook settings are set so that people can't tag you without permission/photos won't be seen by work colleagues.
Absolutely don't do this for someone who isn't bothered about you being there.
Thiscantreallybehappening · 19/07/2021 11:37

OP, I'm just wondering - is this a friendship you have had for years, possibly from school?

Has your "friend" now got a new set of friends? If so, it sounds to me that they are now her priority and she would rather be spending her hen do with them than you, but because you have been friends for so long and it is convenient for her she is keeping you involved in her wedding arrangements. She can obviously rely on you to fulfil all these jobs she wants you to do and she doesn't want to put pressure on her other friends.

I don't think she has any respect for you and I feel that once the wedding has taken place and you have helped the day run smoothly she is probably going to drop you.

At this point, I think you very much have to decide what is going to work for you:

Do you want to grit your teeth and fulfil your duties because you have been friends, it's her wedding and would you feel terrible causing her an upset so near to her big day?

Or, do you want to explain to her that you feel hurt and miffed at what she has done and because of those reasons you are going to step back from your role on the day and let one of her other friends step up?

She is not respecting you. She is not thinking about your feelings at all, she is more interested in her other friends. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she doesn't want you at her hen do but she does want to use you to do all the jobs she wants done.

Whatever you decide, hold your head up high and if you go along with her wishes and do these jobs, after the wedding distance yourself and if she contacts you, explain about the hen do, explain that your didn't want to cause her any upset or stress so you fulfilled your role on her wedding day but that what she did was very hurtful.

If you don't want to continue, tell her soon so she can get someone else to do these jobs and don't let her emotionally blackmail you into doing something you don't want to.

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ACPC · 19/07/2021 11:42

The op, as bridesmaid, had arranged the original hen plus surprises for the bride on the day so very rude of the bride to just change it all without even talking to her. That's why people are suggesting she isn't a nice friend.

Twoforthree · 19/07/2021 11:43

What job do you do op? Is it in a high risk covid environment?

Thiscantreallybehappening · 19/07/2021 11:45

@katiie3
I understand. But if she wasn’t happy, we could have changed it to anything she liked. She didn’t say anything for weeks and changed it last minute.

Of course it’s her wedding and she should be happy. Just feels weird that I won’t be there anymore.

Do you definitely know for sure that she changed it last minute? or did she change it a while ago but only told you last minute? I ask because places are pretty booked up at the moment, it's not that easy to cancel and rearrange things.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/07/2021 11:46

Hen parties are naff af

Depends on the company really doesn't it? You may as well say "women going out together as a group is naff". I've been to some lovely ones, as well as my own, but then I have nice friends.

Twoforthree · 19/07/2021 11:49

She probably didn’t say anything for weeks because covid wasn’t such a threat then. Now they are huge numbers and set to increase significantly in the next couple of weeks.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/07/2021 11:49

I agree with those saying it's best to phone her or go for a coffee with her if you can and discuss this. Then if she really is still being unreasonable, sack it all off, certainly. Just think so much can be misconstrued/unexplained when stuff is done by messaging.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 19/07/2021 11:50

Also, it seems very strange that she didn't consult with you on any of these new arrangements after you arranged the original hen do. It is very strange behaviour and not how friends would really behave.

OP, I know it's hard but I don't think she is the friend you think she is.

Needapoodle · 19/07/2021 11:50

Agree to do the list of stuff then tell her last minute your plans changed.

Needapoodle · 19/07/2021 11:53

I would have a conversation with her, express gently how you feel. Then I would attend the wedding do all that's asked of me because I'm consistent when I commit to things. Then I would fade her out unless by a miracle she's very apologetic..

Wow. What a pushover.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 19/07/2021 11:59

Agree to do the list of stuff then tell her last minute your plans changed.

I wouldn't do this, it is just sinking to her level. Either grit your teeth and get through or tell her now that her actions have hurt you and you are stepping back and she can get someone else to run her errands.

Once she realises that she can't push you around and use you and you have checked out of the friendship with dignity she will realise that she has lost a good, loyal friend.

redcarbluecar · 19/07/2021 12:01

@Needapoodle

Agree to do the list of stuff then tell her last minute your plans changed.
What would this achieve?
2Gen · 19/07/2021 12:03

I'd be very hurt and angry in your position. I've experienced something like it to with someone I had thought of as my "best mate" for years. The situation was different but the problem was the same- her mugging me off. I my case, she did it over and over again but then came running to me when she was in a corner and needed help. I still didn't cut her off but let the friendship drift and, as I was moving away, it wasn't that hard to do. I had other friends there and through them, met a real best mate and never looked back.
Years later, she contacted me on SM but I just ignored her- she'd done too much and I'd moved on and was no longer interested. I don't hate her at all, I wish her well but I just don't want anyone in my life who treats me as if I don't matter that much to them except as someone to be used when needed. I think you should let her go- if you let her away with this, she's only going to keep on mugging you off and why put yourself through it? Swerve her wedding, and cut her off. She doesn't deserve you!

MargotEmin · 19/07/2021 12:05

Are you a nurse or something OP? Not that that would justify her behaviour!

Bonjourfern · 19/07/2021 12:07

Covid still infects people in the daytime. Does she know this? And at spas & lunches etc...

MzHz · 19/07/2021 12:07

That’s not a best friend @katiie3

You know this.

Decline the invitation, resign the bridesmaid duties and give the fucking list of tasks back to her

Who DOES this to someone!? Let alone someone who is supposed to be a friend

You may think she’s your best friend, but she really isn’t. I can’t see that she even considers you a friend at all, let alone her best friend - she’s treating you like staff!

MintyChops · 19/07/2021 12:07

I’d be pretty hurt by this too OP. Have you told her you are upset about it or just sort of pretended to be cool about it?

ACPC · 19/07/2021 12:12

If you think it would be unfair to not go to the wedding, go and perform the duties you agreed to then as a pp suggested, fade out the friendship. It might be hard to run about like a blue arsed fly all day for her though, after how she has treated you.

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 12:14

@AbsolutelyPatsy

it is HER day op after all
Well tbf the hen do is also about the hens. The wedding is the brides day
spinningspaniels · 19/07/2021 12:15

I think people are missing the main point in that the bride did this without letting on.

There obviously is an issue that she doesn't want you there but still expects you to run round after her on the wedding day. I'd be having to self isolate very unexpectedly tbh....... that's no friend.

Branleuse · 19/07/2021 12:23

Letting the bride down last minute on purpose is a hell of a lot worse than changing a hen do to a daytime event, with warning

AffableApple · 19/07/2021 12:32

[quote katiie3]@MahMahMahMahCorona small surprises like a home made video of her growing up, and recorded messages from family and friends that couldn’t attend etc[/quote]
Forward her all of this without ceremony, and tell her you don't want to be a bridesmaid anymore due to recent events.

AnnaSW1 · 19/07/2021 12:37

I'd tell her two days before the wedding that you've been pinged and you have to isolate for 3 days. Fuck her.