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Original poster

My best friend changed the hen party plans and uninvited me.

231 replies

katiie3 · 18/07/2021 23:09

My best friend is getting married and I’m bridesmaid.

A few days before the hen party is to happen she has changed the plans without telling me. She has changed the location and times. The time moved from the evening to afternoon. She changed the times as she found a location she prefers better etc

I work 9-5 and cannot change my working day, so I told her that I can join them after work but she said it will be too late and they will all want to go home as they would have been out all day so it’s fine if I don’t come anymore.

I’m very upset. I feel quite hurt that she has changed the plans and “uninvited me”.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 19/07/2021 06:43

Tbf I'm with some pp on here, she's not uninvited you. She's amended things to account for the rise in covid cases and reduce the risk of contact. She's booked a spa day for herself and friends and is even accommodating the fact you can't/won't book a day leave to attend, by not being annoyed about it and carrying everything else on as normal.

If she posted saying 'im really worried about covid and the hen night my friends have booked so have rearranged a smaller gathering in a spa instead of going to town. My best friend is saying she can't attend and think I've done this to spite her. She's now saying she won't even come to the wedding' the responses would say she was totally correct and you weren't much of a friend either. 2 sides.

Badhabits1 · 19/07/2021 06:52

Tbf I went to a hen party last weekend and it changed three times due to local restrictions/number of tables etc. It ended up with just a two hour slot in a bar and everyone went home after. Not everyone could go on the new night. It was just impossible to plan a night out in the usual way.

Starryskiesinthesky · 19/07/2021 06:55

I don’t get all the outrage, no friend, don’t go to wedding etc.

Sounds like she just doesn’t want Covid and sounds like a simple hen do rather than an over the top kind.

What are the jobs on the morning of the wedding? Are they things that you would normally do as bridesmaid? If so and you would have been happy doing them if you had been going to the hen do I would and if not speak to her.

In fact if you are best friends surely you can say to her how upset you are at not going to the hen do?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
redcarbluecar · 19/07/2021 06:56

Giving her a bit of ‘benefit of the doubt’, perhaps the hen isn’t a very big deal to her - it’s not as if what she’s planned is very elaborate, especially as she doesn’t see it going on beyond early evening. Perhaps she didn’t want one at all and sees it as something to get over with. She hasn’t judged her handling of it well though. If she’s normally a good friend maybe talk to her about how you feel, if you haven’t already.

MaMaD1990 · 19/07/2021 06:59

I don't know about this one. I don't think she's done anything horrendous but I can see why you'd be upset and think she's possibly using you for help at the wedding instead of enjoying your company as a good friend at the hen do. Her concerns about COVID and people being tired afterwards is valid and the fact she's acting normal doesn't scream 'bitch' to me. Have you spoken to her about how you're feeling about it? That's probably the only way to put this to bed one way or another.

Theunamedcat · 19/07/2021 07:01

If she was that worried about covid she wouldn't go go to a spa

bevelino · 19/07/2021 07:03

I think OP should take annual leave and go to the hen. What lists and errands need doing by a bridesmaid on the actual day of the wedding?

To ruin a friendship over this is completely unnecessary.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 19/07/2021 07:04

I think you need to crack on with the plans until after wedding then have a conversation with her.
If she’s not normally this self absorbed then there could be a reason. Does she think you are a high covid risk due to your job or life style?

WendyYourExcellency · 19/07/2021 07:06

Actually unbelievable level of drama on this thread?! She changed the venue, she was probably not thinking of you, but so what? It’s careless and self-centred, but she’s reacting to the strangest of circumstances (covid). The fact you’ve jumped to the conclusion that it’s to exclude you suggests there is something else going on here for you. Do you feel there is a power imbalance in this friendship? If so step back, think carefully and think through what you want.

BalloonSlayer · 19/07/2021 07:10

I would much prefer a daytime 'do' myself and that's without throwing Covid into the mix.

It's possible she's been fretting about the hen do you had planned not being what she wanted, being anxious about the covid risk in the evening etc - maybe she's even asked for advice on social media! - and has been advised "don't ask the bridesmaid to change it, just rearrange things yourself."

I think all the "this friendship is over" responses are a bit OTT.

Did you actually discuss what she really wanted when you planned the night, OP?

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2021 07:13

So she’s changed stuff due to worries about covid

A spa is likely to be breeding ground. Sorry

So why don’t you do drinks at hers after of doesn’t want to go to pub

Changing activity not so bad but times mean people might not be able to come

Have iou contacted all the others going. Can they all go to new time

It does seem strange that she doesn’t want you her best friend and bm there

ilovebagpuss · 19/07/2021 07:19

I had my closest friend as a bridesmaid and vice versa. I understand what people are saying about Covid maybe changing things but we would have worked out a solution together and there is no way she wouldn’t have been there.
Very odd behaviour.

Grimacingfrog · 19/07/2021 07:19

I do take the point that she might be worried about Covid BUT if she really is the OP's best friend, why didn't she contact her first, before changing the arrangements. She could have said, that she would do something with the OP individually, maybe after the wedding to make up for it.

ANYTHING other than just unilaterally changing the plans and then just saying suck it up to the OP. I'm sure the OP would have felt very differently about it if the bride had told her in advance, explained her reasoning, sounded disappointed herself that the OP couldn't make it and had arranged something later to make up for it.

She seemingly did none of those things and yet expects the OP to do the tasks set for her (what kind of tasks are there, I didn't ask my bridesmaid to do anything for me????). This is seeing you as the drudge OP, sorry.

NautaOcts · 19/07/2021 07:22

Is it a weekday daytime thing? Might she reasonably have thought you and others would be able to come if it’s at the weekend? Or assumed you could take leave?

NautaOcts · 19/07/2021 07:23

Can kind of see wanting to minimise covid exposure, imagine if a bride had to self isolate. I think I’d probably stay away from everyone 10 days before!

Lockdownbear · 19/07/2021 07:23

The bit that gets me is her changing it as a done deal without discussing it with you first. Surely she should have said 'I'm getting worried about covid, thinking of changing it to a spa day' if for no other reason than to check who is up for it and to get the numbers before trying to find a spa to book.

I'm another who wonders what the list of jobs are, does it involve using specialist skill, or could anyone do it?

YanTanTethera123 · 19/07/2021 07:26

@AnneLovesGilbert

But the list and errands for the wedding are still waiting for me.

Oh fuck that. You’re meant to be her friend not her bloody skivvy.

Tell her you’re changing plans to suit yourself, as she has, and will no longer be available to do her bidding on the day.

Cheeky cow! I would definitely tell her you’re no longer available.
ZoBo123 · 19/07/2021 07:28

I don't think Covid has anything to do with it and is a convenient excuse. I wouldn't go to the wedding now because she doesn't value your friendship. The risk of catching anything in a spa is much higher than in a bar/club. Jacuzzis, Saunas, massages etc surely are breeding grounds for germs and no ability to social distance

caringcarer · 19/07/2021 07:30

I would uninvite myself from being her bridesmaid then. Let her sort it all out herself.

33feethighandrising · 19/07/2021 07:31

Woah!

Who's getting married, the OP or the bride?

Why is everyone on this thread so quick to judge the bride when we have very little information about why she's changed the day?

From the little info we have, it looks like the OP has planned something for the bride that involved what the bride feels to be a high risk for covid transmission.

The bride has decided to change to a different event that has a lower risk.

Covid cases are rising we're in the middle of another wave. Her decision is sensible.

It's a shame you can't make it OP, but we're in the middle of a pandemic and this is just another example of covid scuppering plans.

You are being badly advised on this thread by people who seem quite happy to drive a wedge between you and your friend without even having all the info.

You're right to be disappointed, it sucks you'll miss it. From what little info we have, it looks like you're wrong to feel your friend is doing this to exclude you. Blame covid - or the incompetent Tories! - before her.

I mean it kindly, but you need to put your big girl pants on and get a bit of perspective. Don't let bloody covid add your friendship with your best friend to the list of things it's messed up.

And don't listen to a baying crowd here who seem happy to encourage you to wreck a relationship that's important to you without even asking for any context.

Marimaur · 19/07/2021 07:34

I’m gonna disagree with a lot of posters and say I don't think this is a deliberate snub or about you at all. Unless they do go out in the evening and don’t tell you.
Covid has made things weird and people feel uncomfortable doing certain things.

Maybe she thinks she’s letting you off the hook by saying you don’t have to join?

Tell your friend how you feel (in person or on the phone) and talk about it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/07/2021 07:39

Worried about Covid yet happy to sit in a spa 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ijsbear · 19/07/2021 07:43

Talk about it with her! if she's got a case of temporary wedding insanity then maybe a coversation will sort it out between the two of you.

Muchasgracias · 19/07/2021 07:47

OP, please message her and tell her that you have booked a spa on the morning of the wedding and won’t be able to fulfil the list of jobs. Tell her assumed that given you weren’t needed at the hen do you assumed the role was “flexible”…Perhaps suggest delegation to one of the bridesmaids or friends who can attend the hen do. All v petty I know, but I could NOT be her dogsbody on her wedding morning when she showed such disregard for the friendship.

YelloYelloYello · 19/07/2021 07:55

Have you paid for anything towards this? Make sure you get your money back.

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