Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

They don’t want to

@PumpkinKlNG

They don’t want to

It really is as simple as this

Too much effort I think.

If that’s so, what do I do if their children then pester mine for another play date?

It basically comes down to - they want their DC and your DC to be friends, but they don't want the hassle of hosting.

Sorry to hear that. I don’t have advice. I wasn’t particularly good at reciprocating as my partner abd I work full time so it was impossible. I did extend invitation s to come over on the weekend and was rebuffed with “that is family time”.

I’d feel the same as you and find it ill-mannered of the other parents (assuming they aren’t working FT, unsuitably housed or whatever).

@villefranche

If that’s so, what do I do if their children then pester mine for another play date?

If you're happy to have them over, have them over for another play date. If you're not, don't.

My child gets offers of play dates quite a lot and I just don’t have the time or energy to reciprocate. If I turn down and say we are busy they suggest another suitable date and I feel rude not to accept. But maybe I should just be upfront and say sorry we are unlikely to reciprocate for a while. It is awkward though cos if we have a free evening I tend to host play date for the child that my child most wants round to play. Rather than going back to others who are owed a play date. Say we owe 5 play dates I let my child choose which of the 5 to have round. So we do occasional hosting but just not that good at getting round to everyone

I used to feel bad about this as I worked full time, so reciprocating during school time was hard. I used to work term time only though so would try to make up for it during school holidays. Could it be something like that?

I really dislike hosting, I don’t have a particularly ’nice’ house plus my partner works from home so we have to be quiet when they are on calls.
I will not immediately offer a play date back if we do one, unless I know the parent quite well. Quite often I don’t want to do a play date at someone else’s house but if the offer is made in front of my child I feel like I can’t really decline without causing offence.
If we go to someone’s house and it is lovely, plenty of room, loads of toys, I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed about our home and wouldn’t automatically offer one back.
Just wanted to offer an explanation as to why the offers back aren’t forthcoming.

I guess sometimes there might be good reasons why hosting is difficult. I did really appreciate it on the occasions when a parent has let me know they can't reciprocate - one due to her other child's SN, another due to her working pattern - as otherwise I worry about a friendship being one-sided and driven by my child when the other kid's not that into it. TBH I don't need to know the reason why someone can't reciprocate, but it's good to know the guest has a good time and wants to keep coming.

It is unintentional not to get round to inviting back, it just tends to happen inadvertently

I get anxious about people being in my house. I worry I won’t be a good host, that my house won’t be clean enough, that it isn’t posh enough.

If we are invited on a play date I do try to return the invite, but often chicken out and suggest a mutual ground like the park instead.

Where do you live? Do you have a nicer house than average? Are the other parents taking time out of work to come to the play date?
It’s most likely not because of your children or you but other factors.
Try suggesting meeting up in a public place like at the park.

Yes I think a lot of people can’t be bothered with playdates. Perhaps they are working, or their kid does a lot of after school activities, or they just don’t like the extra effort involved. IME especially at younger ages, or with multiple childen, playdates are quite hard work for the parent/carer.

I do tend to regard playdates as reciprocal (maybe because my kids get much more excited about the ones at the other child’s house!) and if my child isn’t invited back, I most likely won’t invite that child again. Unless there’s a good reason like parent cannot host due to work.

Also: if your kids are reception and y2, it’s been covid for a lot of their school experience, people may be nervous of mixing.

for me with play date, the issue was that I struggled to reciprocate unless I had annual leave. Worked 4 days a week then full time - was really difficult to reciprocate as I literally could not do it during the week because I was working.

I did attempt to reciprocate in the school holidays if I was off and we were actually at home or at the weekend if we were available, but often people weren't.

Maybe they just are struggling to find the time to reciprocate and trying to fit work, life and everything else in.

Could be many reasons.

As others have said, it could be because they simply don’t want to reciprocate for whatever reason.

Or, perhaps they work and can’t find the time to have your children back to their house?
Maybe they have older siblings to run around to activities after school and therefore aren’t at home to host? (this is the reason why I can’t host many after school plays for my younger child. Though I try to invite friends over in the holidays instead). Maybe they have other commitments at weekends? I wouldn’t assume they don’t WANT to reciprocate.

Regarding the thanking, do you mean they thank you when they pick up their child, but then don’t text later to thank you again? Although a text is nice, I wouldn’t over think it if they have thanked you at pickup time.

Anyway, you sound lovely - I can’t imagine the lack of invitations is a personal snub.

For me it would be that one of my children has SEN and struggles with changes, the other is really sociable and easy going. So it’s a hard dynamic.

Gosh just read the responses. Really surprised and sad that people don’t host due to their house. Kids will not care and any parents who judge aren’t worth knowing!

Am I genuinely the only person who did not host plat dates on the condition the other parent did the same? Seriously if my daughter wanted kids over, I did it when I had the time, if she was invited back never even occured to me, I couldn’t have given a shit. Everyone has their own lives

When did it stop being about the kids and start being about the parents like this? I missed rhe memo.

@villefranche I’m not in this position yet as first DC is still a baby. But just to give another viewpoint...
When I was growing up I was never allowed friends round to the house. We didn’t have a particularly nice house, it was cluttered with lots of stuff, my parents are very antisocial and more often than not were fighting.
I loved going to friends houses. It was amazing to me that other mums and dads let their children have friends round to play! I’d hate to think that their parents thought badly of me or would have not wanted to invite me round because my parents didn’t return the invite 😬

My parents never came to these play dates though if that makes a difference? It sounds like you’re maybe hosting parents and children?

People basically do what they want to do.

I only have kids round because my kid wants them and I have time. Don’t care if my kid goes back there.

There was a woman who was happy to send her child on play dates when our kids were in reception/year 1, but never reciprocated. A couple of people muttered about it like you are. But then one day she confessed to another mum that it was because she was embarrassed about her house - she didn’t have much money and thought people would judge her because her house was rented and tiny, whereas everyone else lived in big houses (very affluent area) and had a much higher standard of living. She was a struggling single mum, far younger than the rest of us.

We felt bad when we heard this, and tried to reassure her that we didn’t care what her house was like, we liked her dd and wanted our kids to be friends. I don’t know if it helped or made her more embarrassed, but she still didn’t host play dates. I stopped judging people who don’t reciprocate after that though. You just don’t know what people’s circumstances are - there could be all sorts of reasons they don’t/can’t host.