Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

Some just want them far more regularly than others. I worked a lot of hours and the house wasn't always tidy. Once a month was fine for us. Some friends would ask once a week. Mine didn't want company as often as that. Also, some DC are fairly self reliant, can join in with a game, play along happily. Others are not good guests.

For people who are embarrassed about their house, why not offer to host at the park or take the other DC to the movies or similar. It’s possible to reciprocate without hosting at your house.
@Bluntness100 reciprocating is about the kids. It’s about the kids who extend invitations but never get them back. Think about how excited your kids are to be invited somewhere and how much they look forward to it and enjoy it. Why should some kids get that pleasure but other kids miss out.
OP if kids are continually asking when they can come to your house again, yes I would say to them well Jane would love to receive an invitation from you to do something after school too.

If parents are able to accompany their DC to your house and stay for the whole play date then time and restrictions with other kids is clearly not an issue. There may be other reasons but unless they want to thought rude then they could make more of an effort to find a solution.

Different toys and set up is very stimulating for kids. I don't see why the size of a house should matter. I can't comfortably sit in my lounge with 2 adults and two kids plus my youngest in, as you can talk easily sitting next to each other on a two seater sofa, so it we have to be in the kitchen. That is a bit tricker and less comfy but I've still done play dates when my DC was younger. Did notice I was more keen than others.

If parents are able to accompany their DC to your house and stay for the whole play date then time and restrictions with other kids is clearly not an issue. There may be other reasons but unless they want to thought rude then they could make more of an effort to find a solution

I could accompany my kids on a play date. I can’t host as my DH is being forced to work from our living room as the office is closed.

I could reciprocate play dates as long as people dont mind my dog eating their children.

1. Embarrassed by house
2. House not really suited to playing
3. Working ft.

Are my reasons. Quite happy to have neighbour kids in the garden during the evenings and weekends.

It's hard to say OP but if I were you I would step back!

Give others a chance to invite you and observe. It's not down to a reception child or Y2 to decide the play dates It's for their parents to invite you.

My kids never really got invited to play dates till recently. A new child started in eldest class and the first few weeks my son was at theirs every other day or being picked up after club from school. I do feel pressured to return the gesture but get why others don’t. I think if you host you host not to expect a return favour even tho I do think this way. My son was invited to a friends on our walk home last week, I don’t like being put on the spot but felt mean. I said no coz hubby had as isolating due to being pinged, he wasn’t a close contact but stayed home. Biggest was upset, he gets very emotional…., so have arranged a date for next week. I find it tiring tbh, but feel I can’t say no because this is the first friend he’s had play dates with.

I mean I feel like I should return the favour to be polite but I don’t offer expecting a return favour:… hope that makes sense!

We lived over an hours drive from primary! I work full time and finish at 5pm. It would be 6.15pm before we even walked in the door.
Play dates were just not practical!

It’s bloody rude not to reciprocate and actually unless your child has been on the receiving end you can’t properly understand.
My child really struggled to make friends in primary. Over the course of 1 school year we had 12 children round for play dates and dinner (kids tea) Parents were all only too happy to have their child come here but only 1 ever asked my child back.
Whilst other kids were happily announcing in class ‘I’m going to Lucy’s house tonight!’ My child would ask all the time, why can’t I go to someone’s house? By the end of primary she basically came to the conclusion that she was just simply one of the unpopular children and she must be not a good friend.
Thankfully changed when she started secondary. Horrible at the time.
If you are a parent who merrily accepts your child going to someone else’s but can’t be fucked to have anyone back then that’s a pretty shitty mean thing to do to a child in my opinion.

You deliberately over cater so the parent can eat too? You mean I'm expected to host you? Eugh. I can't think of much worse than having to reciprocate cooking for a random stranger.

Playdates are ok if the child comes without the parent, but reception is too young imo. I wouldn't offer to have the child at ours until they're older.

@Hellocatshome

I could reciprocate play dates as long as people dont mind my dog eating their children.

Get the dog looked after for 3 hours. Put it in a crate. Take your child and other child to a soft play or park rather than home.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

1. Embarrassed by house

1. House not really suited to playing
2. Working ft.

Are my reasons. Quite happy to have neighbour kids in the garden during the evenings and weekends.

1. Tidy up. Kids really don’t care about a messy house anyway
2. You house is fine for playing- you have a child the same age as the one to invite? Does your own child never play in the house then?
3. Invite at weekends or take a day off work.

@Doona

My simple brain never got further than the idea of inviting someone over because you want them to visit. It never crossed my mind to think of it in a tit for tat kind of way. This is horrifying.

🙄 there's nothing horrifying about trying to build equal relationships around looking after someone else's children - people do it in their closer personal relationships all the time.

I get that there are a million reasons why people might not be able to reciprocate but a polite excuse can't be that hard can it? To at least manage OPs expectations.

I would say people who accept these invites but never reciprocate and are simply staying silent and not even offering a polite "I'd love to have your little one over but we are so busy at the moment" have poor social skills.

Also on occasion at pick up time at my place I'd make enough pasta and sauce for the parent to eat too if they fancied. If not that at least offer a cup of tea.

But everyone is walking distance here - I don't know if that makes a difference? No "I've had to park round the corner" type dashing in and out to collect child? So it all feels a bit easier to pop to someone's house.

I grew up in what I would say was a nice house (nothing fancy but clean and together) my mum would never let me have people over - no idea why. I guess she and my Dad both worked and for them home time was down time. If we did have visitors my Mum did turn into a clean freak ( the house was clean) but would be hoovering and dusting like mad!
My younger one does get invited a lot to things i probably don’t have the children over as much - but we. both WFH & being younger they do need checked on etc.
My older one once they could look after themselves I reckon my house is at times feels like the local youth drop in centre but I don’t mind. It will be the same once my youngest is older and they all more independent.

Maybe their work or circumstances means they don't have the time or it's too much hassle, maybe they're embarrassed by their house, maybe they're too tired, maybe they've other kids at home/pick ups/extra curricular activities, also now, covid! I wouldn't read too much into it!

I love all the people telling people in exact terms what they need to do and how their way of living is wrong

I never wondered why some parents didn't reciprocate - I think for all the reasons mentioned here, many people can't or don't want to, end of. They may work, have a very small house, have caring commitments, hate hosting or feel awkward - it doesn't really matter. I sometimes hosted children that rarely invited us back, but if my children wanted their friends over then that was fine.

Don't take it personally - the parents obviously like you or they wouldn't send their children over - and equally obviously have reasons why they don't return the compliment. If it bothers you then stop the playdates, but I wouldn't waste too much time overthinking things.

My youngest is 11 years old now, but known reasons my DC weren’t invited back were:

1. Other child had particularly busy parents, parents who work long hours or a chaotic home life
2. Other child had lots of siblings with massive age gaps
3. Other child was particularly popular and was accepting more invitations (out of kindness/politeness) than they could ever return
4. Other child and their sibling were both heavily into their sport (gymnastics) and one or the other was doing something most evenings

We have been known to not reciprocate for the following reasons:

1. More than one bad experience of hosting the child in the past (we used to suggest holiday meet ups at places like trampoline parks for the 2 children this applied to!)
2. My child was not well treated by their child or their child bullies
3. See #3 above. One of my DC was very popular. Other parents would catch us on the playground and ask her if she wanted to go home with them. She was too polite to say no and upset the other child (and a terrible liar!) so would quite often end up accepting more invitations than we could ever possibly return.

I used to feel embarrassed by this on occasion; work meant turning down invitations and not reciprocating ones we could make. My way round it was to have a mass after school potluck party on the last day of each term. Kids would blow off steam tearing about and the adults would eat and bond. So informal it's very little work. I've made some very good friends out of this approach and no-ones been in the slightest bit off with me about not doing midweek playmates.

@stayathomer

I love all the people telling people in exact terms what they need to do and how their way of living is wrong

I know! I’m waiting for them to tell those who have another child with SN, who might be deeply distressed by a stranger in their home, what to do. Maybe another crate?

@OnTheBrink1

It’s bloody rude not to reciprocate and actually unless your child has been on the receiving end you can’t properly understand. My child really struggled to make friends in primary. Over the course of 1 school year we had 12 children round for play dates and dinner (kids tea) Parents were all only too happy to have their child come here but only 1 ever asked my child back. Whilst other kids were happily announcing in class ‘I’m going to Lucy’s house tonight!’ My child would ask all the time, why can’t I go to someone’s house? By the end of primary she basically came to the conclusion that she was just simply one of the unpopular children and she must be not a good friend. Thankfully changed when she started secondary. Horrible at the time. If you are a parent who merrily accepts your child going to someone else’s but can’t be fucked to have anyone back then that’s a pretty shitty mean thing to do to a child in my opinion.

Oh that is sad - glad she's had a better experience at secondary.

I do think it can be hard for parents to see the bigger picture. Each of those 12 kids' parents probably didn't think they were part of a group of families not returning the favour - but people really should consider that.

A child at DCs school had a swimming pool party in about year 5 and only about 8 out of 20 turned up! He wasn't the most popular but a nice enough kid, it was heartbreaking. I can only suppose that each parent thought - 'well one won't be missed' - but when over half the class have that approach, the overall impact is awful. People can be very thoughtless.

@Mrsfrumble

No you just say "I won't be able to reciprocate as I have a child with SN, who can be deeply distressed by a stranger in their home"

Not really that difficult.

stayathomer
I love all the people telling people in exact terms what they need to do and how their way of living is wrong
I know! I’m waiting for them to tell those who have another child with SN, who might be deeply distressed by a stranger in their home, what to do. Maybe another crate?