Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

Im not surprised you’re questioning it Op. If I’m honest, I think that people who don’t reciprocate just have bad manners. They’re happy to accept being hosted but can’t be bothered to do it themselves. If they work, they can do it at a weekend, or at least offer!

It sounds as though you are very skilled socially, and have a nice house with toys, space and are able to hosting additional guests to eat nice food in nice circumstances.

Many people will feel a degree of inadequacy and worry about inviting you to their house because they maybe don't have a garden, or many toys, or a galley kitchen and the children don't normally sit at a table to eat etc etc.

When I had my first dc I had a really awkward layout downstairs so could not host anyone comfortably and was very grateful to those who were happy to host us. After building work I had a much more socialable space and happily invited people to mine.

You're worrying it's something wrong with you but it's much more likely your guests worry they can't meet your standard I'd think.

When did it stop being about the kids and start being about the parents like this?

Bluntness100 for me reciprocity is about the kids. My kids - especially my 6 year old - notice if they haven’t been invited back to the other child’s house. They’ll ask me why, and ask when will X invite them. It’s a bit upsetting for them if there’s no reciprocation especially if I have no explanation to give them or if they can see the other child taking other friends home. Maybe yours never noticed.

Suggest something where they have to pull their weight - trip to the park both bringing snacks, meeting at an activity with children and share a picnic. If they pass that test ask them for a coffee and a play rather than full on catering; see if the reciprocate.
Some people are rude, some selfish, some too busy for you. Whatever; they're no use to you. Find the people who are going to match you for effort.

We seem to host more playdates than my DC are invited to. But I genuinely don't count as I don't see them as requiring reciprocity. For me, the deal is that I host your child and in return your child provides company for mine. That's the end of it, there's no further expectation.

I think I got this approach from my DM. Her perception is that you want your DC's friends to feel welcome at yours, so they hang out there as teens. That way you can keep a better eye on them. So I'm happier to have them at my house.

I’m shit at reciprocal play dates. We both work full time, I’m busy, tired, my house is often a mess, more than 1 child’s hobbies/friends to accommodate. I don’t even have my own friends and family round often enough.

I try to view them like gifts, you don’t give to receive. I do always take cake/flowers though

They might work full time

I dont really understand people saying it’s rude not to reciprocate. Would it not be worse to just turn down invitations? It would be different if you had asked if they could look after your child cos you had an appointment or whatever, but if they offer to host the play date then surely it comes without any strings attached?

We are the "poor" ones in my kids' friendship groups. We're not actually poor, but everything's relative. We tend to go to other people's houses, because they have bigger gardens, trampolines, basketball hoops, every toy that we have (but a nicer version..!) plus a load more toys... so when they come here, kids mooch around bored. Even when I put on activities like a craft or baking thing, the kids tend to talk about "we've done this at our house, but we have animal shaped cookie cutters, not just these round ones", or "I've already made one of these before" etc etc.

Literally nothing I can provide here is different or exciting to them.

We still offer to host, but most parents now say "oh well why don't you come to ours instead, to give you a break". I think it's the posh person way of saying "your house is boring to my child"

DD had a playdate with a school friend and they had a very nice time (I was there too, they are only 5) but when I tried to invite them back, the mum basically declined. Her DD is an only child and I think the mum likes her to have other children to play with at home. My point is that not everyone who hosts playdates will expect reciprocity.

I used to go to play dates and sleepovers at my best friend's house a lot as a child but thinking about it, she didn't come to ours often. I assume this was because I had a baby brother my mum was busy with but who knows!!

Do you have a particularly nice/big house? Maybe they’re embarrassed about their houses in comparison.

It doesn’t have to be bad manners, some people just can’t. DS used to get a lot of invites from stay at home mums, but I had 2 jobs during the week, and couldn’t have them on the weekend as I was working a third job from home.

And yes, there were sometimes I was not working but I was so exhausted and on those days I just needed a rest to be able to function.

I remember there was this American mum who organised amazing sleepovers for up to7 kids at a time, or another one who had themed parties. I was honestly embarrassed to invite their children to play just for me to have to be in front of the computer working all the time the kids were here.

On the same token, as DS got older, thee was a kid who started coming once a week afterschool so I could take them both to an activity after work. The mum was very nice, often stayed for dinner after the activity but we were NEVER invited back. I suspect things with her husband were not ok, the kid also mentioned that he felt embarrassed of his house. So I understand she felt more comfortable showing up at mine with a bottle of wine from time to time.

Now if you invite everyone for a birthday party and they do not reciprocate for birthday parties… that’s you should feel angry about. In the meantime, I would say not to go beyond basic expectations for play dates as it may be that people are nit reciprocating because they cannot do in the same measure.

We hosted one play date, my DC is in reception. It was a disaster, my DC is now not friendly with the child . Not attempted another play date since although Covid has affected this. I've notice the others in the class doing play dates although some very odd matches. I do feel a little snubbed by one of the other parents who lives very close by, seems to have had most the class over, but then I haven't invited her DC to mine either. I have a hard time finding out who my DC is friends with, it seems like nobody 🥺

If that’s so, what do I do if their children then pester mine for another play date?

Just say you are busy, they will survive.

Oh yes, finding who your child is friends with when you have wraparound care is very difficult.

Sometimes they talk of a kid they hate and 2 years later the parent is still driving 15 miles to deliver a birthday party invite for your kid, and sometime you invite who you think is your child’s best friend when the other kid has never mentioned yours at home .

Maybe some people don't have the big variety of toys, outside space. Or be able to cater Inc parents?
Some people don't like to host. I'm on the fence. When my teen was younger Itbcaused me a lot of stress (unnecessary) leading up to it. I feel I'd be judge for housework even though I know my house is immaculate. But the night b4 I'd be scrubbing skirting, windows and everything. I thibk it's because I lived in a run down block of flats with a bad reputation and a 'single benefits mum stigma' although I worked and had nothing against those who didn't but it was a bad stigma and every one was tarnished with the same brush Thankfully my son is past that stage now and I now have a house with more play space.

I have a 1 and 3 year old but now I'm older I'd be like 'take me as I am'

@villefranche

If that’s so, what do I do if their children then pester mine for another play date?

You say in front of the child that it’s your child’s turn to come to then. Very few people work 7 days a week.

I never minded playmates. As a teacher l'm used to dealing with other children so it was no bother. Never cared if they were asked back. I did what suited me. Sometimes other mums have a few younger children and it changes the dynamics in the house or they are not confident if its a group of kids. Just do what you and your dc are enjoying. Your children will remember that their home was open to 9thers and that is useful going into the teens.
I , on the other hand, and not great at having adults around which is another story.

Could they have a parent at their house who is working from home so a play date just isn’t practical? Or maybe they have other children so it’s stressful having another child visit. Possibly covid concerns them and they don’t want or can’t legally have a reciprocal play date in their house.

Kids always pester each other for play dates. It’s what they do at that age.

I get very anxious about people in the house, worry about it for days, worry about it afterwards. Also, some other peoples children are used to larger places, nicer homes and play rooms etc which we don't have and they've commented.

Now dd is older and it's not so much work I have them for her closest friends and it is reciprocal. The age of your children it is so much work as you know and I personally couldn't face it.

I did usually suggest a day out or park meet up a lot

Is it now? We have two adults working full time at home in our house . We couldn't do play dates at home( thankfully mine are too young for them really)

We don't have anyone over here, not even my friends bar four times someone has popped by briefly.

I get really embarrassed if mine are invited over someone else's, because our home is excruciatingly tiny and often a pigsty, and there's nowhere for kids to really get on the floor and play. It might sound odd, it's just we arrange our home the best we can to fit us in, and make the most of being free to leave the home.

It's the best we could afford and we are only here and not somewhere cheaper or bigger because I need to be as close to my mum as possible.

We are hopefully meeting with some of my child's friends in local parks this summer.

My kids fight so much at home (always started by the younger one) that it wasn't fair to bring another child into it. She's also damaged the house so badly I didn't want her school friends to know.