Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

I much prefer to have playdates at our house. We have wooden/tiled floors, a big living-room, I don't mind mess and we have a small secure garden visible from the kitchen where the kids can be turfed out into to play in the sandpit or paddling pool or blow bubbles. We don't have any breakables/hazards about the place so it's fairly stress-free.

We're lucky to have the space we have (3 bed house with a small garden) in the city that we live in. A lot of families live in 2-bed flats with no gardens and it's not uncommon to have overcrowding and people sleeping in the living-room. It's very difficult to host playdates in those circumstances so we don't necessarily expect a reciprocal invitation. We love it when we do get invited places though and my DC adores looking out the window of flats 'high up in the sky' (as they describe it!).

We always had open house, kept extra food in some mums didn't reciprocate because they're busy, uber house proud or just didn't like other kids.

Kids don't care if your house is smaller as long as drinks, lollies, food is available they're happy

They have their own lives, value their own personal family time your kids aren't good together

We both work and mine go to a childminder so a mid-week play date is never on the radar we're far too busy it's a juggling act with dancing and rainbows and swimming never mind anything else
I think COVID stopped play dates but mine are still young but I have to say the thought of spending my weekend having a house full of other kids fills me with dread! I'm exhausted and have enough with my own 2 and I always suggest meeting at a park or somewhere so nobody is put out then it's also easier to just leave snd not have a situation where people out stay their welcome

some selfish, some too busy for you. Whatever; they're no use to you.

@Tickledtrout that’s such a sad and selfish way to think. Surely if your child enjoys spending time with their friends there doesn’t need to be anything in it for you?

Yes reciprocity is lovely but not everyone can do it for many genuine reasons. But why should the children miss out?

I struggle to reciprocate now DH is working from home (office won’t be reopening post covid) and we don’t have masses of space. It’s hard enough keeping my 3 quiet and contained.

Personally I live out of the way, all of the mum's at DD's school live within a 5 minute walk of the school, I live 15 minutes drive away, we usually do playdates after school so she gets picked up from school or I go with her, I also have a really really small house with basically no room to play, (kitchen in living room, dds room is the big one with a single bed sized space next to her bed. It's just unsuitable really.

I'm not sure why you are also inviting the parents? Isn't it a play date for your child? I would find it harder to host child and parent than just a child. If a parent I didn't really know came too I would need to make the house totally spotless, would want to touch up aspects of the decorating, do full on gardening, and go to the nth degree preparing dinner as fish fingers and jelly probably wouldn't cut it. Working during the day would make this hard. Maybe don't invite the parents to simplify things and make a reciprocal offer more likely imo.

Op I normally do, are you sure yours are getting pestered for a play date only two dc I struggled to host, one used to upset dd becsuse as soon he arrived he'd want to play with dd older brother! Kept asking where he was etc and then tipped out all dd toys all the time.. It was such hard work, trying to keep things fun with dd upset trying to play etc.

Most parents expect to come until about 6yo round here it seems

We can't host playdates at the moment as DH and I are both WFH so we can't really keep an eye on other people's children or have them running around.

I couldn't reciprocate as much due to work and on the days I didn't work my children had clubs they attended so fitting it in was really tricky

Pre-covid, this used to be asked quite often, and there are 101 reasons why people don't want to, or aren't able to have other children round to their house after school or in the holidays.

Simply, if your dc want someone round and you enjoy having people around, then invite them. If you don't enjoy it, then don't.

It isn't a contract. It works for some people to have other children round in their house, and it doesn't work for others.

Try meet ups in park on neutral ground

I always encouraged DD to have friends round as she liked the company.
There were definitely parents who just saw me as a mug who would take their kids. There were a few who never ever reciprocated but had other kids around. I actually stopped inviting them.

DD had a really good friend who was here constantly. Never invited round (because the sibling would want someone too) and mum very much started to expect her DD to be here for a huge chunk of the weekend. I actually asked if DD could go round there when I had a major emergency and mum basically made some excuse about ‘wanting her weekends for relaxing’. I stopped inviting her, mum tried numerous times, but DD was also getting bored of never going there. Sometimes they want a change of scene/toys.

My ds has gone to a few playdates...would love to reciprocate but my teeny flat with no garden and a multitude of pending repairs that I cant afford is quite frankly too embarrassing! Everyone else has a lovely house, garden with trampoline or inflatable pool....I dont have that as a lone parent.

I do have playdates here, but I need time to prepare and time to recover afterwards. Reasons being:

I'm embarrassed about my house.

I have a large dog so have to be extra vigilent if another child is around.

I worry that what I feed them won't be considered healthy enough.

I suffer from depression and am only just holding it together most of the time. Even though most people wouldn't notice as I'm good at hiding it, I cry pretty much daily and a playdate sends me off on a downward spiral. I'll add being judged for not hosting enough playdates onto my overthinking list.

I think playdates should be a bit like gift giving - do it because you want to and not because you expect something in return.

I used to think some people were miserable or rude in similar circumstances you've mentioned but I've come to understand some people are just shy or introverted.
What I would say is keep making an effort and eventually you will find your clan of likeminded people who are up for fun / friendship.

I host slightly more play dates than my dc get invited back but I totally understand why. Last time I had dd’s friends it took me over a week to tidy up the fall out which included ice cream down the side of the freezer (I think someone must have chucked it down there when I wasn’t looking because it wasn’t their preferred flavour) and paddling pool to put away… it’s exhausting and I completely get why people can’t do that often on top of working. Also yes some people are embarrassed if their homes aren’t spotless and fashionable etc.

I don't mind hosting, my house is wrecked anyway. I could host 20 dc but if one of their parents wanted to come I'd be a nervous wreck. I loved playdates as it gave me a break from my own dc! Wouldn't be bothered if they weren't reciprocated.

My simple brain never got further than the idea of inviting someone over because you want them to visit. It never crossed my mind to think of it in a tit for tat kind of way. This is horrifying.

IME some parents are quite happy to accept invites but will never ever reciprocate. I have stopped inviting those children. We have a lovely park right by the school, so they can meet there. But we still end up hosting a lot of playdates to return favours and / or to make our own children happy. I find playdates quite stressful because it's not my child, they like different foods, there's tidying up to do before and after and so on. Can't wait for my kids to manage their social lives themselves tbh!

It depends. I wouldn't expect working parents or families with babies to reciprocate equally. If the parents work term time then it's fine to reciprocate at half terms /longer holidays if they aren't going away.

I suspect that your friends are lazy rather than there being something wrong with you or your house.

I think it's rude not to send thanks but I dont think reciprocation is the rule here.

You do what you want and what your kids want but people don't have to offer back and there's a million reasons why they might not want or be able to host. I host a neighbours kid v frequently but my dc doesn't like the other kids house so we don't go there. Who cares as long as all are happy.

We hosted a lot of play dates when our 3 teens were small. Circumstances allowed it & I didn't really expect all parents to reciprocate. Many worked, had other younger kids etc. All were grateful!
I feel quite sad that so many on here worry about being judged on their house etc. The kids we had over all seemed happy enough to visit our smallish house & garden & the parents grateful for the respite! Hosting the parents isn't really done here. It's generally host family pick the kids up after school , parents pick up 6-7pm. Kids generally have tea at play date & their parents are grateful for the breathing space . Dont overthink it! Kids just want to play with friends!