Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

My kids always had friends over for play dates, I did prioritise the kids who invited mine back but there were certain friends who my kids really liked who got invited anyway, regardless of return invites or not.

It's not personal it's just the parents either can't be arsed but like palming their kids off or they genuinely don't have the time or space. Get used to it because it doesn't change. My kids are now late teens and it's still our house that everyone comes too.

For us it's nothing to do with being lazy or rude, and everything to do with the fact that DH works permanent nights and it wouldn't be fair on anyone to invite children here just to make them be quiet for hours. We've got a little terraced house so noise carries ridiculously easily.

Neither of my children are invited to other houses often (DS2 has literally never been invited) but we quite often meet up with people at the park, or offer to take friends to the cinema/bowling. DS1 is autistic and struggles socially as it is, DS2 is dyspraxic and has an immune condition that means he misses a lot of school. I'd hate to think that, in addition to their SN, they were being judged for not being able to have friends round after school unless DH is on annual leave.

I feel like this could be me. 🙈

In my case I have two younger DC one with additional needs and it can be really stressful. They tend to follow my eldest DC who's 11 and any friend round and want to be involved in everything. Then I obviously have to get them to back off and they play up because they want to join in but the older girls want to be left to chill out.

We don't do many playdates. It's because I'm busy and exhausted. I have to work until 5pm every day and weekends are the rare times we actually get to see each other. The last thing I want is someone else's children at 6pm on a random Tuesday. I just don't want to spend those times looking after other people's children. It's nice if other people offer, but it's not a priority for me. The other people I know who regularly offer playdates are SAHMs. All of us working parents are working. I can also think of very few times we had other kids over formally for a 'playdate' when I was a child. We didn't need entertaining because we were plenty busy between school, work, family time.

We rarely had other kids round ours growing up, my DPs worked full time (different shifts patterns) and coming from a big family, they already had enough kids to look after and feed without adding anyone else.
I think alot of my friends parents understood this , so it was never an issue and I had no shortage of playdate invitations.
I only remember one friend saying her mum asked why she (dd) never got an invite to our home. I felt embarrassed at the time as I had never thought about it before then.

I think the most likely explanation is as simple as they just don't want to play host. It might not come as naturally to them as it does you. It won't be personal.

@villefranche

Not a SAHM, no. Very far from it, but because of my own upbringing I do prioritise family and friendship and work hard to maintain them. It does hurt when that isn’t appreciated and my children not given the opportunity to enrich the friendships they have made in school.

I liked the comment a PP made about becoming the teenage hangout of choice, although we’re a long way off yet, and it feels like we’re still navigating playground politics even as adults.

You're making massive assumptions that other people don't have the family values you do - lots of people have exactly your values, and grew up valuing family just as you have done.

But they just don't have the opportunity to host playdates for some reason. When you offer to host, it shouldn't come with the requirement for reciprocation.

I am good at reciprocating and also hosting as I enjoy it and I have the opportunity- but I wouldn't waste sleep over non reciprocated playdates or judge others for not doing so. Life is life, we all have a lot going on.

@Bluntness100

Am I genuinely the only person who did not host plat dates on the condition the other parent did the same? Seriously if my daughter wanted kids over, I did it when I had the time, if she was invited back never even occured to me, I couldn’t have given a shit. Everyone has their own lives

When did it stop being about the kids and start being about the parents like this? I missed rhe memo.

Nope. Me too. Never entered my head whether people reciprocated enough/at all. I didn't need rid of my kids to someone else's house. If they asked to have a friend round and it was convenient, I said yes, because it was nice for them. Sometimes they went to other friends houses, but I couldn't have told you which/whether/how often. I just didn't see it that way at all.

People's home and work lives are all different. For some it's easy to host, for others it's close to impossible. I didn't need to hear anyone's justification for not reciprocating. I just did what worked for me and my kids.

Its a house issue for us. If you give houses a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is like a show-home and 10 is one of these houses you see on those hoarding programs. Ours is about a 7, possibly an 8. I do not have the time, energy or mental health to sort it. DH grew up in a house the same so doesn't realise. Yes its fine saying kids don't mind etc, but what happens at pick-up time? Surely its just as rude not to invite the parents in for a few minutes.

If people think the above makes me selfish then fuck them.

Thank you to everyone who has said that you wouldn't think twice about a return playdate.

I didn't used to reciprocate if the parent or kid was a bit weird/annoying or if the parent was clingy and pestered me. I also had one mum who was very competitive and kept getting sly boasts and digs in. Life's too short for that.

I find it difficult to reciprocate because our house is so small and in a terrible state of repair, simply. We can't afford to move, and can't afford to renovate.

I feel sad about my children investing in friendships with children who just don’t feel the same interest in them.

Please don't blame the other children for their parents inability to host. Or allow your children to perceive any lack of reciprocation to mean that their friends are not as interested in them.

And no, the parents do not owe you an explanation. Many posters here have explained their circumstances. You want the parents of your kids' friends to apologise to you for having a small, scruffy house? Or a child with disabilities? Or a family member who can't cope/has a stress related condition? Just to satisfy your lack of confidence?

Just let your kids enjoy having their friends round. If they ask why they don't get to go to their friends, explain to them that some mums and dads can't have them round because of their jobs or other reasons. But that it doesn't mean their friends don't like them.

I'm amazed that people can be aware of issues such as in-work poverty, the housing crisis, domestic violence, the long hours culture, women's "second shift" etc. and still be surprised that some families don't (literally or figuratively) have space in their lives for playdates.

@OnTheBrink1 Would you have preferred it then if each of the children you invited to come round and play with your child, all turned you down ?
Because that isn't the general feel I get from MN. Most parents would be happy that their dc has so many friends to invite round and then who want to come and play.
Do you honestly think people should not let their dc play with your dc if their circumstances mean they can't have other dc to play after school ?

I've never understood the 'keeping score' talked about on MN.
I'm one of those who couldn't have children round after school when they were Primary age, because dh and I both woth, and also had 3 dc of our own to get to and from things like swimming lessons, and Beaver Scouts around that. It doesn't leave much time for having other dc round to play. Plus, of course, they always had each other to play with. Obviously I couldn't ask the CMer to take extra children on my working days, and it wouldn't be great fun coming and sitting on the poolside watching someone else's swimming lesson on the day I didn't work. However my middle one, in particular was friends with a girl who invited dc2 a lot. I often apologised to her Dad, but he said it made his life a lot easier having my dd round at his as it meant his dd had someone to play with and they occupied themselves for hours. Now, how would it help if I stopped her going round ?

OTOH, as mine moved to secondary, there were various friends that loved to come and hang out at our house. All fine. It was genuinely lovely knowing that ds's friends were comfortable here, and no, I didn't expect their parents to invite ds to theirs. It was fine as it is.

This week and last, I've had 5 different students camping out at ours for varying number of days. I'm glad that my (now adult) dc feel they can comfortably invite their pals to stay. They certainly haven't been scarred by the fact it wasn't practical when they were little.

[quote BackforGood]@OnTheBrink1 Would you have preferred it then if each of the children you invited to come round and play with your child, all turned you down ?
Because that isn't the general feel I get from MN. Most parents would be happy that their dc has so many friends to invite round and then who want to come and play.
Do you honestly think people should not let their dc play with your dc if their circumstances mean they can't have other dc to play after school ?

I've never understood the 'keeping score' talked about on MN.
I'm one of those who couldn't have children round after school when they were Primary age, because dh and I both woth, and also had 3 dc of our own to get to and from things like swimming lessons, and Beaver Scouts around that. It doesn't leave much time for having other dc round to play. Plus, of course, they always had each other to play with. Obviously I couldn't ask the CMer to take extra children on my working days, and it wouldn't be great fun coming and sitting on the poolside watching someone else's swimming lesson on the day I didn't work. However my middle one, in particular was friends with a girl who invited dc2 a lot. I often apologised to her Dad, but he said it made his life a lot easier having my dd round at his as it meant his dd had someone to play with and they occupied themselves for hours. Now, how would it help if I stopped her going round ?

OTOH, as mine moved to secondary, there were various friends that loved to come and hang out at our house. All fine. It was genuinely lovely knowing that ds's friends were comfortable here, and no, I didn't expect their parents to invite ds to theirs. It was fine as it is.

This week and last, I've had 5 different students camping out at ours for varying number of days. I'm glad that my (now adult) dc feel they can comfortably invite their pals to stay. They certainly haven't been scarred by the fact it wasn't practical when they were little.[/quote]
No, but I do think that if your child has been invited round and has a lovely time at someone else’s then you should go to every effort to invite them back. And yes, that might mean putting yourself out. I also have 3 children with many commitments. However, if I hadn’t invited friends round, my DD would literally have had no play dates at all after yr all the way through primary. I put myself out to do this. Sometimes we missed a club or lesson. Sometimes it was in the holidays or I took a day off work. Sometimes it was a weekend.
If there genuinely is no way then just someone saying that they are so sorry and they would love to have them back but can’t because of x would be better than just nothing.
The more people we had, the more both me and DD were getting confused as to why she never got asked round. She is polite enough and no trouble but it just seemed no one wanted to invite her back.

@Bluntness100 then you must have been very lucky that your child wasn’t one of the ones who literally never got invited anywhere whilst seeing other classmates beaming and excited about going to friends houses for tea every week.

I don’t think it’s keeping score. I think if you’ve had a child to yours 10 times and yours has never been to theirs (and they’ve had other friends out) there’s something unfair going on.

I’ve been thinking of the friend DD had who lived close who never reciprocated. The friend is hard work, she wants a lot of attention, esp from adults. I don’t give it, as far as i am concerned she was here to play with DD and get out from under my feet, not for me to entertain. I know the only time DD went to hers the mum did activities with them all day, I think DD found it terribly boring but the girl wanted her mum constantly involved.
Frankly I think she made a rod for her own back not teaching her to go off and play.

For the last 5 years I have lived in a small house, now we are renovating our newish house so its a mess and dusty everywhere and often covered in tools and building materials which is unsafe for more than pur children. Then lastly but most importantly my eldest has autism and copes really well in other people's homes but goes a bit crackers when other children are here and she actually doesn't have any toys other than lego and a few craft bits (because of her autism she dosnt play at home but can manage a bit of play in others homes in short bursts) very few people know she has autism (only 1 school mum) so yes we are rude but it is what it is.

@FakeColinCaterpillar your dd friend is probably my dd. As above she has autism and if people come here needs me to manage the 'play'.

I prefer neutral play dates at the park or somewhere.

I just had a message from another mum asking for my child to come round to play. It’s a child from the class who my child never speaks about or plays with very much. I think he would probably be happy to go along to his house to play but I don’t really have time to reciprocate the play date. There are about 5 others kids that my child constantly asks me if he can have them round to play (but I rarely get round to) and we actually “owe” them a play date first.

I would guess that this mum is trying to broaden her child’s friends and maybe just some fun for an afternoon in summer holidays. So after reading this thread I am thinking is it rude to accept? Or do I accept and say just to warn you I won’t have time to reciprocate? I genuinely don’t really know what to do in these scenarios. Declining seems unkind. But so does accepting with proviso that we won’t return the play date?

I’ve never been arsed with play dates. I have 5 children and they are more than enough, I don’t need other people’s children here too!

@villefranche

If that’s so, what do I do if their children then pester mine for another play date?

You decide whether you want to have them or not. You don't give in order to get, after all.

I'm a working single parent and simply don't have time to host other people's dc or the money to feed them. My house is also less tidy that I'd like it to be in order to host guests. If I had more time, was less exhausted and a more tidy house I'd have them all the time like I used to when I was a SAHP. At the time I was the one doing all the hosting and they double working parents rarely did. I was fine with that. People's situations are different to yours.

I reciprocate but I don’t enjoy hosting play dates. Our house is small and all my kids friends seem to have massive houses and loads of toys and stuff so I find that a bit embarrassing. Kids always seem to play up when a parent comes so we are standing in my tiny house trying to get their kids to behave and do what their parent says which is awkward too. Then they don’t want to eat what I’ve planned etc etc. I just don’t enjoy them really.

off the top of my head the reason people dont recpricate play dates could be

no time - work shifts/full time/long commute
there is domestic violence at home and they dont want other people to find out
no money - cant afford to feed another child
embarrassed about state of house
embarrassed about size of house
just cant be bothered
selfish - like to take and not give back
too many kids of their own to keep an eye on
have a child with SEN or disabilities that means they cant keep a close eye on visiting children
having child A friend overs means child b and C also want a friend over
caring for elderly parents who dont like lots of noise
husband is an arse and doesnt like other people in the house
OCD and dont like strangers in house cox of dirt/germs

None of the above would stop me having a child over to mine for a playdate just because it isn't reciprocated. Its not the childs fault.
We were NEVER allowed anyone to our house as kids/teens so I was always hanging out at friends houses, staying for tea etc. I am so grateful for my friends parents to allow me to be at their house and if they had 'banned' me from coming over because i never returned the invite I would have had a very lonely childhood through no fault of my own.