Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

To those saying they wouldn’t ask again if a play date isn’t reciprocated, would a play date at the park be acceptable as a return offer?
Or would I be better to totally humiliate myself and say straight out that my home is unsuitable for play dates (too small/old/no garden/dodgy neighbours) & that I can’t afford to feed extra people?

Iloveitall what people do round here is offer to drop play date child home. Say you need to go out to shop anyway so it’s no bother. Once dh is home leave your kids at home at take play date child back to theirs. It avoids the awkward parent picking up, child doesn’t want to leave palaver, make small talk awkwardness

Ime other people’s children are awful
They break toys, go into other bedrooms where they’re not allowed, touch things they should know to leave alone ( make up smeared all over a duvet on one memorable occasion).
moan about what food they like/ want/ not want
Usually I can’t wait to get rid
Meeting in a neutral place was always much better

And besides when I was married, my ex would make it very difficult to have anyone round

In my case, because our house is an unmanageable tip, DH refuses to have other people round, DH works from home in the middle of our house and DCs’ friends would increase the disturbances, DC1 seems to have only ever had friends that are allergic to our pets, I am an exhausted anxious wreck. I feel terrible about all these reasons, assume DC1’s friend’s mum is judging me because DC has been to their house a couple of times and I haven’t been able to return the invitation, and am trying to work out how to enable DC to meet up with their friends over the summer without being able to invite them to our house.

Change your thinking. Invite your children’s friends round because you want to and they want you to. That’s it. No more no less. Any invited back are nice but not needed.

Same here OP. Mine are just finishing primary and I honestly must have hosted a good 300+play dates since toddler hood. I can count the return invites on the fingers of one hand. I think lots of people just can't get their heads round hosting, or feel that they are too busy. Either that or we stink! 😅

Change your thinking. Invite your children’s friends round because you want to and they want you to. That’s it. No more no less.

Exactly

We were NEVER allowed anyone to our house as kids/teens so I was always hanging out at friends houses, staying for tea etc. I am so grateful for my friends parents to allow me to be at their house and if they had 'banned' me from coming over because i never returned the invite I would have had a very lonely childhood through no fault of my own.

The adult-centric posts on here really bother me. Especially the ones that say that if a child's parents don't reciprocate, then the child isn't welcome again.
Play dates aren't childcare. They're about kids socialising, and they're for the benefit of your own child in the main. Both they and the other child miss out if you're going to go all adult etiquette on them..

@Vetyveriohohoh

Most parents expect to come until about 6yo round here it seems

Good grief, mine went on play dates in nursery around 3 to give the other person a break and we reciprocated

I don’t drive so unless their child wants to walk 40 minutes and their parent can collect it rules out any play dates on weekdays as dh is as work with the car.

However I always send my child around with sweeties/treats to share with the child/parents who invited them for a play date and obviously they all know how far away I live and that I don’t drive.

I think it is good manners to reciprocate and you could take the other dc out if you don't want them at home e.g. a park with a picnic

I tried to reciprocate, often hard when working, but sometime these things get forgotten and I exactly didn't keep a list to make sure we hosted everyone an even number of occasions.

@villefranche

Where are you living now? Is it in the U.K.? What she are your children?

We’re in France. We’ve always done more play dates than are reciprocated, but I don’t mind. I love hosting - even mental, noisy play dates - and I’ve tried to bring my kids up to be open, sharing and welcoming without expecting the same in return - while also not being walked over. We don’t keep score tbh.

I used to run an expat playgroup organisation which depended on people (mums) being willing to take a turn at hosting in their homes. There are many many reasons why people might not reciprocate - loads are listed above. I can pretty much guarantee that it is nothing to do with you / your house / your hosting etc and everything to do with them and their own situation.

Stick with it. My now-teenage DS is happy to invite 4/5 of his mates over to bake a cake in our tiny kitchen :-) because he knows they are always welcome (as long as they tidy up!).

@Turky199

I just had a message from another mum asking for my child to come round to play. It’s a child from the class who my child never speaks about or plays with very much. I think he would probably be happy to go along to his house to play but I don’t really have time to reciprocate the play date. There are about 5 others kids that my child constantly asks me if he can have them round to play (but I rarely get round to) and we actually “owe” them a play date first. I would guess that this mum is trying to broaden her child’s friends and maybe just some fun for an afternoon in summer holidays. So after reading this thread I am thinking is it rude to accept? Or do I accept and say just to warn you I won’t have time to reciprocate? I genuinely don’t really know what to do in these scenarios. Declining seems unkind. But so does accepting with proviso that we won’t return the play date?

I am interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this, as this was the situation we often found/find ourselves in with DD and one girl in her class in particular, except in DD’s case she would rather not go as they have no shared interests and she finds her hard work.

I always encouraged her to accept the odd invitation as the other girl is kind and, to be frank, DD is the only other child in their year who has made an effort with her. I’ve had her back about 4 times in 7 years. She’s a lovely girl, but very impulsive and needs to be watched like a hawk! I work from home and DD finds having her here stressful. Last time she was here, prior to Covid, she got pen on DD’s new duvet and, in the time it took for DD to get me, managed to empty all her slime on onto DD’s carpet and we found her rubbing it in with a bathroom towel in an effort to clean it up ). She’s quirky and lovely - but a walking disaster zone!!

Now they are 11 and, big thanks to Covid here, they meet up once every 3-4 weeks at the park.

I did always feel terrible about not reciprocating, but always felt it was in everyone’s best interests for DD to accept the odd invitation?