Why do people not reciprocate play dates?

[villefranche]

Hopefully this name change has worked, because I’m embarrassed to be asking the question.

Me: very happy expat childhood, made friends quickly, have maintained many of those friendships into adulthood. As an adult I have never found building rapport difficult.

Kids: Reception and Y2. We continually host playdates at our house. They play nicely I think - nobody seems to refuse an invitation. We have a wide selection of toys. I usually provide tea for the children, often deliberately over-catering so the parent can eat too.

Quite often I don’t even get a text message of thanks. Just two families have reciprocated with what my mother used to call return matches. I feel a bit hurt on my children’s behalf and embarrassed too, especially as I wonder if it’s something about us or our house or our children that’s causing these snubs.

I never had kids over to ours for regular arranged play dates and whatnot cos I haven't the patience and run a short fuse even on my absolutely super most happiest bestest day ever.

Was never rude or offhand about it and there were a very, very select few kids we knew and whose parents we've long since known as friends of the family but I always arranged to pick them up and then we did stuff outside and elsewhere.

I didn't want kids in my house and I still don't like people in my house. Do not want to get on with, make new BFF's or even regular chatty terms with the others. I'm an unsociable bastard.

I don't have the space or a nice enough house to invite guests over and would be really tightly stretched money wise to match what you've said you do food wise. It wouldn't be anything you've done, but a reflection of me being embarrassed that I couldn't match you, so wouldn't set it up. In adult situations I'd politely refuse the invitation, knowing I couldn't reciprocate, but in the case of my children, if they knew they had been invited I'd feel like i couldn't turn it down because they'd know they'd be missing out.

@AnotherDayAnotherCake

I really dislike hosting, I don’t have a particularly ’nice’ house plus my partner works from home so we have to be quiet when they are on calls. I will not immediately offer a play date back if we do one, unless I know the parent quite well. Quite often I don’t want to do a play date at someone else’s house but if the offer is made in front of my child I feel like I can’t really decline without causing offence. If we go to someone’s house and it is lovely, plenty of room, loads of toys, I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed about our home and wouldn’t automatically offer one back. Just wanted to offer an explanation as to why the offers back aren’t forthcoming.

This

When my kids kids were smaller I would try my best to reciprocated play dates but working long hours made this hard so they were usually offered in holidays. However there was 1 child I would never invite back round following incredibly bad behaviour on the previous time they came, I was not prepared to have them in my house ever again. They were rude to me, spat in my face( literally just walked up to me and spat at me ,) deliberately broke toys, ran off at park and hid as it was “ funny to see your mum panicked” .

People saying nobody should be embarrassed about their house etc, have you never heard how bluntly kids speak about home life? I remember kids in school saying 'x has the tiniest bedroom I've ever seen' just in an everyday conversation. X would then be paranoid and scarred even though it was actually just an observation. People in my class spoke of how we must be loaded because of the size of our house and I was also told I was strange for sharing with my brother.Another girl told everyone a girl's house was 'like a Halloween house'. And that's not even covering food, kids having fights etc. Having kids in can be a minefield so I understand people trying not to do it.

My eldest DD is almost 15 and has had a number of friends right from pre-school through primary and into secondary. We live in a suburban village. There is one friend whose home my DD has never, not once, been invited to, in 12 years of friendship. No problem accepting our invitations of play dates/sleepovers, and no alternatives offered by parents like meeting for an icecream. The inequity is glaring, and setting aside my own views on the all-take approach, it’s a rubbish scenario for my DD to learn about balanced friendships.

People are at work.
People are wfh and don't want the disturbance.
Their house is a tip.

Many reasons

I’m afraid we are often the non hosters. We live in a much smaller home than 90% of our kids friends and we both work full time. Those are the main reasons. There are some kids that my kids are just not that friendly with but will go to play dates when invited because they know it makes that other child happy.

My problem is I'm embarrassed by my house.
I also have 5 children so it's even harder when you add another one into the chaos.

Any number of reasons are possible

Off the top of my head:

They're unable to reciprocate due to lack of funds and/or lack of time/energy

They have caring responsibilities for others

They have someone in their home that doesn't cope well with visitors and that situation can be tricky to manage - another child with sen, an elderly parent with dementia, a partner with mental illness...

They're embarrassed about their home/where they live

They're juggling the needs of a larger family

Simple rudeness/unawareness of social niceties is possible too.

When my dd was younger I couldn't always properly reciprocate as I was on the bones of my arse! I couldn't feed another child let alone another adult too. In addition we couldn't afford to live in the nicer parts of town and were in social housing which some parents and even children can be snotty and cruel about. I also suffer from ocd and sometimes it would have just been too much for me to cope with I was barely managing the day to day.

There was a friend of dds who we asked over a few times and it was always a no. I got talking to the mum at another child's party and she explained it was because she felt unable to reciprocate as she had her elderly father with dementia at home and his behaviour could be unpredictable and even alarming (stripping inappropriately, shouting, throwing things), once I had reassured her I didn't expect a reciprocal invite under the circumstances we had the little girl over and the kids had a lovely time. She brought dd a small gift each time as a gesture of thanks (which I kept telling her was unnecessary) just little things like a pound shop colouring book and pens. Still kind and thoughtful and dd loved getting them. Dd is now 20 and the girls are still friends albeit they're at opposite ends of the country due to where they're studying.

Whenever I was up to it I was happy to have dds friends over. When she was at high school she was in a close group and they sort of took turns as to who's house they were descending on! Depending on what those families did on which days etc it was a lovely time. Even I'm still in touch with those kids, one phoned me drunk on their 21st to say how much they loved that time

Don't martyr yourself but also remember peoples lives vary and the stresses they're under vary too.

Because I found the adults dull as dish water who only interest seemed to be child related. I would sit in their homes bored stupid, I would offer to reciprocate without the adult, but very rarely taken up. I would ask once and let them know the offer was always there.
And had it not been because of the friendship of the children I would have turned down offers.
Never mind the constant bloody hovering and asking me if I wanted something every 5 minutes no matter how many times I replied I'm fine and will ask.

For people who work full time, play dates are tricky to organise.

I would offer play dates as suits me and my kids, but I would not keep a tally. Your kids, and hopefully their pals will have fun. That's all that matters really.

@AnotherDayAnotherCake

I really dislike hosting, I don’t have a particularly ’nice’ house plus my partner works from home so we have to be quiet when they are on calls. I will not immediately offer a play date back if we do one, unless I know the parent quite well. Quite often I don’t want to do a play date at someone else’s house but if the offer is made in front of my child I feel like I can’t really decline without causing offence. If we go to someone’s house and it is lovely, plenty of room, loads of toys, I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed about our home and wouldn’t automatically offer one back. Just wanted to offer an explanation as to why the offers back aren’t forthcoming.

Second this. My kids friends live in immacalate amazing houses. I have three kids and a husband who works long hours and doesnt help out around the house much. We live in an old cottage on a farm. We've done it up well but it's still cluttered. We're building a new house. I work full time and find it diifficult toto keep up with the house work. I don't do spontaneous play dates. I usually have a party on the kids birthdays and return the favor then. Getting ready for those days takes forever.

Returning this morning to five pages of replies! Thank you for taking the time to explain. It does help.

I have no expectation of reciprocity, rather I would like my children to learn about and be in equitable friendships. It all feels a bit one-sided in our world, and I feel sad about my children investing in friendships with children who just don’t feel the same interest in them. If people were honest about their circumstances it would remove the anxieties I’ve been having about being unintentionally rude or inhospitable.

We have a middling sort of house, neither horrible nor impressive, and I never tidy to have people over - you take us as you find us. The PP who would want to finish decorating first has me wondering if I need to improve my house keeping standards.

Some parents just can't or don't want to for a number of reasons.
My DD has a very close friend who, over the years, must have been at our house over 50 times. My DD has been to hers maybe 5 times.
She has other friends where playdates are reciprocated.
It's really about what you want to do. I continue having my DCs friends here regularly. The way I see it, I play the long game. I want my DCs to be comfortable bringing their friends here and for their friends to know they are always welcome. My hope is that when they are teenagers they will still be happy to hang around here (at least some of the time) and I'll know where they are! 😄

I think most people have covered the different reasons for you @villefranche. I’ve got three children at different points of school life and have been at differing places of being able to offer play dates - from not working to now working full time.
I would definitely view play dates as something nice to be able to offer without expecting them back in return. And I am upfront with my children that they may not get invited back and I will often say - “X’s parents might not be able to have you back if they work / have other commitments” so they understand that.
With regards to children’s views of houses - I think most are genuinely just excited to see different toys etc , especially at younger years , but we have had some comments from older children about the fact we live in a flat (we’re in an affluent area surrounded by houses). Good learning experience for my own children to be proud of what they do have and not ashamed of where they live! (And I can’t usually help comment something to the visiting child along the lines of all being different in lots of ways etc and pointing out the nice things we DO have so my DC don’t feel bad ! )

My children are older now but when they were younger I would reciprocate the play date but I absolutely hated them!!!!

I'm not good with other people in my house at the best of times but children thundering around upstairs and making mess everywhere was horrible to me.

I came downstairs once and the other child was walking on my work surfaces!!! I was utterly gobsmacked because he came from a very middle class family and it was the last thing I expected to see!

You could tell each of your kids something like only 2 guests/week and minimum 2 weeks between any individual guest. This is to "give you space" and not facilitate them to play games with their friends about who is 'favourite'.

I have no idea about the why.

I only had trouble getting guests here for DS3.

DS1 & DS2: generally described as polite but could be hot tempered, often or always reciprocated.
DD: very easy child, very rarely reciprocated
DS3: the invited child often not allowed to come to ours; this DS was a very unpopular child.

There are lots of reasons some families can't easily offer to host.

Working full time.
Working shifts.
Poverty.
Physical or mental illness.
Difficult relationships in the home.
Lack of space.

Or just not liking hosting.

I am one of the parents who doesn't invite kids back to the house.
Dd is constantly wrecking our little house.
She is asd/adhd. So am I. So is older ds.
I am single mum and working. Dd has food allergies; most other kids wouldn't like her food. Neither of my kids have been in to "kids food" .
Having anybody at the house stresses all of us.
But we meet at the park with other kids at least twice a week. Rain or shine.
And because I am term time working, we have invited quite a few other kids on our days out in the holidays.
Giving the other parents a "day of chilcare".
And the other kid a nice day at the beach or similar.
Dd doesn't have to be territorial about her things being how she likes them. I dont have to have other people in my house.
And kids fight less in neutral places, I have found with dd.

Hosting a play date is hard work and stressful

I used to do it, but always found it hard going

Did you say you are an expat? I started an expat playgroup (about 6 of us) where we rotated hosting. You’d get 1 week of hell (hosting) and then 5 weeks of fun (going out for a play date)

It is a case of them simply not wanting to. It's selfishness and laziness on their part. It just depends on if you're happy to continue and host their child (and giving them a child free break) without reciprocation or not. Personally it did annoy me and I would loudly say "No but you have my permission to sleep over at Susie's" when my child was asking (prompted by Susie) if Susie could come for yet another sleepover.

I actually stopped my teen DD for a while having friends over. My house has always been welcoming to guests but when I found out that her friends were being sent to mine because their mums wanted them out of their house but not roaming the streets, the cheek pissed me off. It was even worse when I found out that 2 of the group of 4 didn't even allow the kids in at all. DD and the rest had to wait outside the door in the rain while they went and got their bags ready or grabbed a snack or spoke to their parents etc. These are parents who's children had practically lived in my house through most school holidays and had been best friends with my DD for over a decade.

People just have complex busy lives (now more so than ever) & sometimes it's just hard.

If you invite a kid over, that's lovely of you, but try not to hang the weight of expectation for a reciprocal invite, or have the family in question risk judgements if they do not. If you've invited their child over, that's great, but it shouldn't come with conditions attached. Some people are just struggling to get through each day one way or the other.

Uhmmm, you must be a stay at home mum?

I'm a single mum. My week starts 6am every day, up dressed, ds up dressed, breakfast, school run, then work, pick up from after school club, home, homework, supper, clear up, an hour relaxing then get ds to bed, I go to bed.

Saturdays, early morning food shop, park run (my one bit of exercise), drive ds to swimming lesson, home, lunch, housework, cycle ride with ds, Tv, supper, bed
Sunday, up, Breakfast, washing, tidy up garden, maybe a bit of diy, take ds to Waterstones, then martial arts class, home, supper, ironing, bed.

I try to do play dates if we are on holiday or bank holidays but to be honest, I don't have much opportunity. Yes, I feel guilty sometimes and I'm sorry you feel hurt but we just don't have time.

Not a SAHM, no. Very far from it, but because of my own upbringing I do prioritise family and friendship and work hard to maintain them. It does hurt when that isn’t appreciated and my children not given the opportunity to enrich the friendships they have made in school.

I liked the comment a PP made about becoming the teenage hangout of choice, although we’re a long way off yet, and it feels like we’re still navigating playground politics even as adults.