Page 17 | What has someone done to make you see then in a different light

Marriedatfirstyear · 09/07/2021 07:55

@princessandthedragon

My brother. He told me I miscarried my baby because I deserved it. I hate him. He denied it afterwards but he sent it to me via text.

Sorry for your miscarriage.

Could he have meant you deserved the baby not the miscarriage?

Marriedatfirstyear · 09/07/2021 08:04

@IReallyLikeCrows

My stepfather. We remained close after my dm died and I really loved him. He came into my life when I was 19 so he was never my dad, but he was kind, loving and a good man. Ten years ago I was seriously ill and nearly died. No one could get in contact with hi

m so he didn't know or come to see me, which was fine. Near-death gave me a new outlook on life and I understood it was not his fault. But. He had been with a woman for a couple of years. I wished that he wasn't because she was chaotic, an alcoholic and had caused lots of problems for him. He loved her though so I accepted her in his life, listened when things were hard and never slagged her off even though I really, really wanted to.

A couple of months after I got out of hospital she got hold of my phone number and started calling me. She knew that I had been abused by the man my mum was with before my stepfather. She screamed abuse about me liking it, that I was a whore just like my mother (who wasn't a whore, btw), that I was constantly trying to get off with my stepfather, that everyone would be better off if I'd died. It got so bad I had to involve the police. My stepfather knew about it and even told me he thought I should contact the police. It was horrible. The police had a word with her and the abusive calls stopped. I still didn't say to my stepfather "You should leave her" because I hoped that he just would. Just before Christmas he called me to say that we could no longer be in touch because she didn't like him talking to me and he hoped I understood. This was nearly ten years ago now and he broke my heart. Yes, he's kind and loving and all of that but ultimately he's a coward and the hurt still hasn't gone away.

A nicer one, although to be honest the woman in question didn't do anything to make me see her differently. A new friend of one of my best mates. I really didn't like her when we first met. She was stand-offish, odd, just not the sort of person I wanted to spend any time with. Best mate told me about her history after we'd met up and I realised that she was just socially awkward and had had a tough life. Next time we met I decided to be kinder and now I really like her and she's come out of herself. Sometimes people who appear stand-offish are just shy or socially awkward and you just need to put in a little extra effort to get to know them.

That's so sad. He definitely is a coward and it's his loss. A shame he met such a selfish inconsiderate woman.

DemBonesDemBones · 09/07/2021 08:18

@Ddot were you asking her to come back earlier than she'd planned or were you going to stay longer too?

Marriedatfirstyear · 09/07/2021 08:51

@Ddot

Cash machines suck the money back in so person cant have gone far

They do now but never used to. Before, it would stay there until the next customer or passer-by saw it.

VikingLady · 09/07/2021 09:05

@GoldenBlue thank you. Having small kids who utterly worship you was very healing, and meeting friends who actually put in effort to meet up with me has helped even more. It's really helped me to step back and look at myself - and I'm fine with who I am now. Mostly.

I shared it with my younger brother. He was the golden child because he was utterly passive towards her, always did as he was told, adored her, spoiled her - but his wife stumbled when they had a new baby and they slipped into scapegoat status, which must have been hard for him. So I ran through a brief summary of golden child/scapegoat (that I got from the Stately Homes threads) and told him about her love issues. He says it helped. God knows how I ever work on forgiving him for being such a twonk though!

Realising she was permanently terrified of emotional connections really changed her from a malevolent abuser into a frightened pitiable victim who pushed everyone away before they could hurt her. You can't hate that.

Monkeyrock · 09/07/2021 09:31

@Susannahmoody Seconding what others have said. If the daughter has gone NC and the mother is describing/implying abuse on the daughter’s part, it’s highly, highly, highly unlikely that the daughter is the abusive party.

My mother would give the same impression, and if you didn’t know the financial, emotional and physical abuse she’d enacted over the years, it would look like I’m a pretty awful person for not wanting her to continue those things on my own DC.

Arsebucket · 09/07/2021 09:35

[quote Monkeyrock]@Susannahmoody Seconding what others have said. If the daughter has gone NC and the mother is describing/implying abuse on the daughter’s part, it’s highly, highly, highly unlikely that the daughter is the abusive party.

My mother would give the same impression, and if you didn’t know the financial, emotional and physical abuse she’d enacted over the years, it would look like I’m a pretty awful person for not wanting her to continue those things on my own DC.[/quote]
Oh yes, friends of my dad and people I know think I’m the devil for not bending over backwards for my elderly father or have him move in with me like he’s been pushing for, now that he’s getting more frail.

I’m sure they judge me harshly for keeping contact to a minimum.

But they have no idea of the pain he’s caused throughout my life. and it’s personal, so I’m not about to offer it up to the lady who lives in the flat above him when she berates me for not visiting enough. So she can think what she likes of me.

DoItAfraid · 09/07/2021 10:43

@inmyslippers

My ex showed me a picture from his group chat. It was depicting black men as monkeys...I am black

OH MY !!!!

Marriedatfirstyear · 09/07/2021 11:53

@VikingLady

When my mum told me (in vino veritas) that after her abusive childhood she doesn't believe she's capable of loving anyone.

It explained my childhood. Utter rejection the second we showed an independent personality - the risk of us rejecting her made her reject us first.

It was a genuine relief. I mean, that means it definitely wasn't anything I did, as the eldest. I see her very differently now. I can pity her instead of feeling the anger/guilt/effort. I see myself differently now too. If it wasn't my fault then maybe I am actually loveable.

You sound both lovable and loving

SamusIsAGirl · 09/07/2021 11:58

Greenblood

Now is the time to start putting yourself first - you mother and sisters actions are eloquent in that they will never have time for you and you will never be what they want. But you can be what you want - it isn't your fault - it all lies with them.

Remember there are some people who when there is someone in their life who loves them and does everything to support them will not see them as love but as a service from the Universe. But you deserve love - it won't be from them.

And this is from someone who found that when it was my turn for support found my now ex-friends drop me like a ball of plutonium.

Clevererthanyou · 09/07/2021 12:09

I lived with my friend for more than a month when he was dumped by his girlfriend of 8 years, she was his carer so he was left completely vulnerable and alone (he was severely disabled). I missed my milestone wedding anniversary, my child's birthday etc and I didn't see my home, husband, child, pets for weeks on end as my friend was waiting for his mum and dad to get better from being unwell to take over the care.
He asked me one day to get him his phone from the conservatory and he had left it unlocked, he said "Has Sarah text me back?" so I looked and she hadn't but somebody I had never met before HAD text him back, he had explained via text he had been dumped and that he couldn't believe it, then he wrote "To make things worse, CLEVERER is here, eurgh, I cannot stand her and I would rather have anyone here but her. the fat bald fucker lololol" and the horrible comments went on and on and on. He barked orders at me day and night, I scrubbed his house and cooked his dinner, bought his food and ironed his clothes and I even accepted him berating me for doing everything wrong. It hasn't just changed the way I see him but I don't trust anybody in my life now, if people can be all smiles and then spew vile comments like that I would rather be alone.

PieceOfString · 09/07/2021 12:56

@Clevererthanyou

I lived with my friend for more than a month when he was dumped by his girlfriend of 8 years, she was his carer so he was left completely vulnerable and alone (he was severely disabled). I missed my milestone wedding anniversary, my child's birthday etc and I didn't see my home, husband, child, pets for weeks on end as my friend was waiting for his mum and dad to get better from being unwell to take over the care. He asked me one day to get him his phone from the conservatory and he had left it unlocked, he said "Has Sarah text me back?" so I looked and she hadn't but somebody I had never met before HAD text him back, he had explained via text he had been dumped and that he couldn't believe it, then he wrote "To make things worse, CLEVERER is here, eurgh, I cannot stand her and I would rather have anyone here but her. the fat bald fucker lololol" and the horrible comments went on and on and on. He barked orders at me day and night, I scrubbed his house and cooked his dinner, bought his food and ironed his clothes and I even accepted him berating me for doing everything wrong. It hasn't just changed the way I see him but I don't trust anybody in my life now, if people can be all smiles and then spew vile comments like that I would rather be alone.

wow! I have no idea how I would react in reality, but I'd be tempted to read that text to him, tell him you will improve things by leaving so he doesn't have to put up with me any more, call social services and explain he's got no help and leave. That's shocking!

Blueberrymuffin79 · 09/07/2021 13:12

Brilliant one sided stories

VikingLady · 09/07/2021 13:13

@Marriedatfirstyear thank you

Clevererthanyou · 09/07/2021 13:24

@Blueberrymuffin79 - I am curious as to what you think the other side might be in any of these incidences?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 09/07/2021 14:24

@Blueberrymuffin79

Brilliant one sided stories

What exactly do you think posters have to gain by lying here?

Post your experience or don't , no one cares but don't take the piss out of people that do.

NeonDreams · 09/07/2021 15:08

@Blueberrymuffin79 So which CFer are you in these stories mentioned?

Ddot · 09/07/2021 15:41

DemBonesDemBones
No I went on the day of the wedding by train, stayed over one night then came home in the car with the rest of them (big car) the next day. The family were there for a few nights but planned on coming home the day after the wedding so I wasn't asking anyone to alter any plans. It was apparently funny that I couldnt drive that far on my own.

AlexCabot · 09/07/2021 15:52

A previously very right on (or woke of you're not as old as me!) friend described my daughters lesbianism as "a phase" and "a passing trend".

I told her she was being a bellend and we've not spoken for three months. Oh well.

Ddot · 09/07/2021 17:34

Well friends daughter did go through the lesbian phase now settled with a man. I think, may be wrong so don't shoot me, I think she was hating men as her father left cheating.

lorca · 09/07/2021 17:35

BlueBerrymuffin - well, I can tell you how my 'friend' sees it. This friend, who I talked to for hours on the phone, and organised shopping trips, ,joint holidays, joint birthday parties for our kids - obviously told her eldest what a cow I was, how the kids deserved better, how my husband was a great dad, how I was 'stuck in the 70s' (?) all while being a 'great friend' to me.

It was only when I divorced the 'great dad' and 'great father' that she decided that I was not worthy of her attention. I have no idea why. She had 3 kids by different fathers, none of whom stuck around. This mattered to me not a bit, but it obviously mattered to her that I was a 'high-status' friend with a decent husband!

AlexCabot · 09/07/2021 18:24

@Ddot

Well friends daughter did go through the lesbian phase now settled with a man. I think, may be wrong so don't shoot me, I think she was hating men as her father left cheating.

Oh well, that's me told. If a complete stranger on the internet once knew of someone who's lesbianism was just a phase then my actual child, who I've known her whole life, is clearly doing the same.

pam290358 · 09/07/2021 18:39

A very good ‘friend’ for five years. Was the partner of my late husbands’ best friend. We went everywhere and did everything together. I was also good friends with hubby’s best friends mum and sister until one day his mum cut me short. Hurt and confused I rang his sister who did the same thing. Turns out my ‘friend’ had told them both some horrible lies about me, including how I was ‘after’ her man - despite my hubby and I being very happily married. Nothing could have been further from the truth. We confronted her and she admitted spinning ‘ harmless tales for fun’. The relationship between her and my husband’s friend didn’t last much longer. I was really hurt that someone I thought of as a good friend could do this. All three of us tried to carry on the friendship but I could never forgive her for the things I found out and the friendship fizzled.

Ddot · 09/07/2021 18:55

AlexCabot
Sorry didn't mean your daughter was in a phase too, should have stipulated that. I've met a few woman who have dabbled due to abuse but like you said you know your daughter better than anyone and people shouldn't comment off hand so I apologise if it sounded like I was

TerrifiedandWorried · 09/07/2021 19:03

BIL created lots of drama at FIL's funeral. He then blamed it on DS2 (he was just 10 at the time). Tried to mend fences a few months later and he was still foul. I have never been so disappointed in a human being in all my life.