What has someone done to make you see then in a different light

[NeedyNora]

General chat post. Curious.

Hairdresser £20 please and while you have your purse out can you sponsor my kid.I said no she can't.

What is this new evil? Mums going round demanding that people fund their darling's fund raining efforts. Mummy will fix it right? SHouldn't the kids go out and fundraise? It's all so contrived and over invested.

It would have to be my sister. My mum is terminally ill with lung cancer and all my life she favoured my younger sister. I never got new clothes...I remember having 10p to buy a skirt in a jumble sale while my sister got brand new clothes. She got perfume, toiletries...I didn't even have a deodorant.😢 I wore the same school uniform from second year to upper sixth and it STANK. My sister is five inches shorter than me and one day when I was in Upper Sixth and she was in Fifth Year and she was ill, I wore her uniform and it fit like a dream. I felt so good that ONE day.

Now mum is sick she is nowhere. I care for mum 24/7 and do everything....my sis has visited two times this year despite living just half an hour away. And still mum talks to her over the phone to her whereas...I get no chat at all.

It is very difficult to accept.

The headteacher at my children's school, I told her I was undergoing CBT and on medication for anxiety. She took me on, made me a support worker then decided my anxiety was too bad to work around children. But she still wanted me to be a dinner lady, because it was a job they can't fill easily. No thank you, you preach looking after mental health is important, I had a little cry in the staff room and mine is now too bad? 😅

@GreenBlood

It would have to be my sister. My mum is terminally ill with lung cancer and all my life she favoured my younger sister. I never got new clothes...I remember having 10p to buy a skirt in a jumble sale while my sister got brand new clothes. She got perfume, toiletries...I didn't even have a deodorant.😢 I wore the same school uniform from second year to upper sixth and it STANK. My sister is five inches shorter than me and one day when I was in Upper Sixth and she was in Fifth Year and she was ill, I wore her uniform and it fit like a dream. I felt so good that ONE day.

Now mum is sick she is nowhere. I care for mum 24/7 and do everything....my sis has visited two times this year despite living just half an hour away. And still mum talks to her over the phone to her whereas...I get no chat at all.

It is very difficult to accept.

I’m so sorry. That is heartbreaking. You are a better person than me for taking care of her.

Thanks Arsebucket (what a fantastic name!!😂)

Parental favouritism I think is the most damaging thing in the world...I am sooo resentful and sad about it and it will never leave I think. But I have to add that I have the most wonderful man in the world as my husband and the most wonderful woman as my best friend. And they are priceless and their support is what keeps me going. I just look at mum and wish things had been different. I can't look at my sister at all.

@GreenBlood

I'd stop. Let your perfect sister do it. You owe your mother nothing. Give her what she gave you. Nothing.

Squirrel...I can't. Without me, she would have no one. And I do love her. She didn't have it easy, either. She had a very hard life. I can forgive my mum...but..

...My sister though, is a multi millionaire with cleaners and childminders and she can easily spare a day or two. She waxes lyrical about how close her and mum are yet she's nowhere! I can't understand how someone can be so cold yet convince themselves they are totally 100% good and right! Mum is dying and she doesn't care. I don't get it!

@GreenBlood

Squirrel...I can't. Without me, she would have no one. And I do love her. She didn't have it easy, either. She had a very hard life. I can forgive my mum...but..

...My sister though, is a multi millionaire with cleaners and childminders and she can easily spare a day or two. She waxes lyrical about how close her and mum are yet she's nowhere! I can't understand how someone can be so cold yet convince themselves they are totally 100% good and right! Mum is dying and she doesn't care. I don't get it!

What a vile cow she sounds. I’m glad you have support.

Arsebucket yes...she has become a stranger to me over the last few years. We used to be close as kids.

She is so wealthy with her own business yet it is ME who who taken unpaid leave to look after mum...i work for a charity so I'm broke as a bone even without taking leave! 😭😭

Ah well...it is what it is. I was reading through all the posts here and I didn't recognise myself in any of them and I think that might be the pay off.💪I can sleep at night.

@GreenBlood
Just wanted to wish you the best. Your sister sounds horrendous. Sorry you're going through this.

@Blancmangetout thank you so much!! Yes, she is horrendous....she has played a lot of mind games on my husband and I, then denies it...she also talks in riddles so we can't have a proper conversation with her. I hate to say though I am deeply envious of her and wish my mum and dad loved me the way they loved her. 😢

@PearlNextDoor I’m guessing that you barely manage to survive every month given that you obviously donate to every charity for vulnerable people which exists.

I mean if people should donate to Women’s charities (presumably every single one which exists,) and don’t donate to charities in Africa, and charities for abused children, and charities in other 3rd world countries, and charities for the disabled, those people must clearly be worthy of judgement?

Or is it only donating to a women’s charity which makes one morally superior?

@user7059904

When I was diagnosed with cancer I confided in my colleague (she was the only person at work I told about my diagnosis). After I returned from sick leave she never once asked me how I was or offered any support. It was as if I had never told her. 18 months on and she still has never asked even when I tell her I have a hospital appointment she never asks. I really regret telling her.

Some people aren't great with illness. I know a guy who's great in every other way, except when it come to people being ill. He has a fear of death and pretty much ignores any health issue matters. He's in his 50's and has lost people around him yet he won't discuss it.

I have a new male friend where I live and he takes a bin liner and a plastic pokey thing to collect litter on his walks.

I do one day a week in a care home for people with autism and we have one lady who is pretty lost in herself. When we go to the Co op, she won't speak, she darts around, she stands for ages, you can't touch her stuff and change must be given in 2ps or 5ps so she can put it, coin by coin, in the charity boxes. The kindness shown by the teenage boys behind the till and the workmen buying their beer is heartwarming, everyone standing back and waiting while she takes her time, the young lads serving doing it just right for her. Its lovely. I do tell them.

@VikingLady

When my mum told me (in vino veritas) that after her abusive childhood she doesn't believe she's capable of loving anyone.

It explained my childhood. Utter rejection the second we showed an independent personality - the risk of us rejecting her made her reject us first.

It was a genuine relief. I mean, that means it definitely wasn't anything I did, as the eldest. I see her very differently now. I can pity her instead of feeling the anger/guilt/effort. I see myself differently now too. If it wasn't my fault then maybe I am actually loveable.

Yes you are lovable and no you did nothing wrong

Your poor mum probably couldn't learn to love herself and therefore couldn't risk loving someone else either

I so sorry for your start in life x

@GreenBlood

It would have to be my sister. My mum is terminally ill with lung cancer and all my life she favoured my younger sister. I never got new clothes...I remember having 10p to buy a skirt in a jumble sale while my sister got brand new clothes. She got perfume, toiletries...I didn't even have a deodorant.😢 I wore the same school uniform from second year to upper sixth and it STANK. My sister is five inches shorter than me and one day when I was in Upper Sixth and she was in Fifth Year and she was ill, I wore her uniform and it fit like a dream. I felt so good that ONE day.

Now mum is sick she is nowhere. I care for mum 24/7 and do everything....my sis has visited two times this year despite living just half an hour away. And still mum talks to her over the phone to her whereas...I get no chat at all.

It is very difficult to accept.

That is heart breaking. I don’t know why you do it. I wouldn’t.

@NeonDreams

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this.

@Susannahmoody Are you seriously this ignorant and shallow, and this much of a bad friend? You should be ashamed of yourself.

^^

You haven't heard the mother's point of view. Not all parents are abusive, children can be too.

[quote Susannahmoody]@NeonDreams

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this.

@Susannahmoody Are you seriously this ignorant and shallow, and this much of a bad friend? You should be ashamed of yourself.

^^

You haven't heard the mother's point of view. Not all parents are abusive, children can be too.[/quote]
That is true.
Your op makes it sound like the daughter has chosen to go NC with the mother.
In the majority if cases the abused person is the one that stops the cycle and goes NC.

The abuser does not want to lose their power so will not stop the cycle.
I

Another thread has reminded me of a past friend who's dog attacked their neighbour's cat in the street (the dog managed to run out of house). The distraught neighbours took the cat to the vet but it had to be put down. They wanted my exfriend to pay towards the bill, but she wouldn't. Her attitude was very blase and that the cat was old and she wouldn't have bothered taking it to the vet as it was obvious it wasn't going to survive. In her place I would have been mortified and in her neighbours place, I would have been devastated. I couldn't get over her lack or remorse or empathy. The last I heard they were going to some sort of arbitration, but she was adamant she wasn't going to pay anything.

I had a cousin who died at the age of 50 very quickly after being diagnosed with cancer (less than a month). The funeral was a week later and basically at the other end of the country. I get on well with my PILs (who live nearby) and, as DH was working away, asked them if they could look after DCs after school twice and for one night. They agreed but made it VERY obvious that I was putting them out. They have looked after other GC overnight before and after. DH was able to collect them on 2nd day, but MIL said she thought I should be coming home straight after funeral . That day was also my parents 70th birthday and we spent a miserable evening having a meal out. My PIL made me feel very awkward, but I was walking around on egg shells because they literally were my only option. When I next saw them and thanked them, they didn't really respond and have never mentioned the funeral again ever and, in fact, have never ever enquired about my cousin before or after the funeral.

I saw them in a totally different light. I sometimes think "what was all that about?". Since then they have been generally lovely again, but I have now realised that as long as things are going the way they want they are pleasant, but they will show a nasty side (in a very English passive aggressive way) if things don't, even if it doesn't effect them directly, but they just don't agree with something. I am saying 'both' but MIL basically calls the shots and FIL falls into line imo

Writing this I have just realised that I learnt about my cousin's death when we were away on a family holiday, so maybe MIL thought "she's just been away and now she's going away again!". They certainly made me feel as though I was going on a 'jolly'.

[quote Susannahmoody]@NeonDreams

Mate is currently NC with her mother, who I know well.

I just can't get past the utter nastiness of this.

@Susannahmoody Are you seriously this ignorant and shallow, and this much of a bad friend? You should be ashamed of yourself.

^^

You haven't heard the mother's point of view. Not all parents are abusive, children can be too.[/quote]
You obviously haven't heard the daughter's point of view. No one goes NC without a lot of pain and thought. Unless you are in the family you know absolutely nothing, the daughter clearly went NC for a very good reason.

I was with a group of friends and the conversation steered towards the horrific Sarah Everard case .... one of these friends piped up "I've not got much sympathy as she shouldn't have been out ... covid rules"

Oh god yeah BigSandyBalls2015 what a dick.

SIL accidentally text me, instead of her daughter. Unfortunately it was about me. I had been invited to niece's wedding which was at the other end of the country. I said I would attend but then chickened out of driving and said I'd get the train as I didn't want to drive all that way and could I get a lift back with them. My brother SIL mam and dad were all going for a few days, I only wanted to stay overnight. I had been suffering from PTSD after a bit of a jolt in my life. The text was basically taking the piss. NICE.

Love MN hate when people judge for no reason. Some support animals, some support people. Isn't that the point, we are all different, we have all been brought up differently and had different life experiences. Live and let live. Brexit, flat earth, trump, people, animals each to their own

A friendly school mum two kids, offered me and my two a lift home. Hurrah, thanks. Drove like a woman possessed. En route, a driver pulled in front of her and she hit him, just a slight knock. They both stopped, she leapt from the car and grabbing him by his collar bent him back against the bonnet screaming "My children are in the car you **er". He stuttered an apology, she calmed down and we left. I was beyond shocked. She was a vicar's wife.