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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

My husband died suddenly today

478 replies

vickibee · 06/07/2021 01:57

And I don’t know what to do. It has not sunk in yet and I only know it happened at work around noon.
I don’t know if there is anyone up to talk to I just feel I need some human contact

OP posts:
Lifeispassingby · 06/07/2021 02:51

I am so sorry to hear your news, please take one step at a time and don’t get too overwhelmed with everything. Let family and friends help where they can and look after yourself too, so then you are strong enough for your son too x

veryblearyeyed · 06/07/2021 02:52

Yes, night is always the worst. Especially these hours before dawn. Maybe you could watch his favourite programme with the sound low and see if you can drop off for a bit.

Sorry to hear you couldn’t even get a referral to CAMHS. Mental health is stretched so thin at the moment. Both the Mh of individuals and the funding of the services.

OoglyMoogly · 06/07/2021 02:54

So sorry to hear this Flowers

vickibee · 06/07/2021 02:55

We met in a late bar in Halifax. We got chatting and something clicked,

He said I was a challenge because I played hard to get though.

He got hie education later in life, I supported him thru uni after we got married but he didn’t use his degree as he said he could earn mor3 as a tradesman. He just wanted to prove that he wasn’t a thicky.

He was so practical and could turn his hand to almost anything DIY except electrics. He kept himself busy with lots of projects

OP posts:
vickibee · 06/07/2021 02:59

His fav programme was band of brothers and game of thrones , he watched it over and over. I can’t cope with the violence . I prefer vet on the hill because I am a wuss

OP posts:
vickibee · 06/07/2021 03:02

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me,I am going to try to get some sleep now. Or I will be no use to anyone,I will come back tomorrow.

OP posts:
MurielSpriggs · 06/07/2021 03:04

I'm so sorry Vicki, it sounds like you had a proper, honest relationship with a proper honest, human, with all his complexities and his fine qualities. Love and life do often seem to be a struggle, it probably wouldn't be worth much if it wasn't. I can't imagine the struggle you're facing right now. The old cliché about time is so popular because it's true, and maybe we here can at least help you a little bit through these first difficult hours before you can even think about healing.

Flowers
notangelinajolie · 06/07/2021 03:04

Night night and in the morning we will be here for you.

veryblearyeyed · 06/07/2021 03:07

I really hope you get some sleep. And please do post tomorrow and for as long as it’s helpful to you. X

Auntienumber8 · 06/07/2021 03:07

I’m very sorry for your loss, on a practical note having endured two very close bereavements within 12 weeks just a few things that helped me.

There are stages of grief and they chop and change. Myself and my DS had bereavement counselling after a few weeks which was very helpful, DS was 12 at the time.

If you struggle to eat make milkshakes and add ice cream and fruit plus just eat whatever if it’s crisps for dinner because it’s all you want then just have them.

Put one of his t.shirts in your bed when you try and sleep.

Thinking of you both.

Boomisshiss · 06/07/2021 03:08

Night night Vicki I hope you manage to get even a hour or two .

JazzerMcCreary · 06/07/2021 03:09

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds wonderful. You must have had some really good years together.

Hope you sleep well. Flowers

LuubyLuu · 06/07/2021 03:14

I'm so sorry for your loss. There will always be someone online on this forum, so keep posting if it's helpful.

Please look after yourself X

GAHgamel · 06/07/2021 03:16

Oh @vickibee, I'm so sorry. That's awful.

A few things have stuck out to me, from the various posts so far. If you find being able to smell his clothes helpful, you could bag some of them up in one of those vacuum storage bags so you can access them when you feel the need. If you're happy to DM your address to a random stranger, I've got a spare one knocking about you can have, that I can post to you. You may also find it helpful if you've got any video clips of him, or even just his voicemail message, to see if you can get someone to make backup copies of that for you, but that's a job for another day.

Not having a will is a bit of a pain in the arse, but at least you're married so it should be less so than otherwise - there's a bit on the gov.uk site that you can go through to see how it should pan out. If you've got legal cover as part of your home insurance, then that might come in handy to help you deal with all that. There's also a really helpful step by step guide about what you need to do to register the death and so on, and there's the Tell Us Once scheme operating in a lot of areas that means when you notify the Council, they can tell HMRC, the DVLA and a bunch of other government departments so you don't have to.

Finally, I'm sure someone has probably beaten me to it, but Winston's Wish provide bereavement support for kids, and Cruse may be of use to you. I hope you've been getting a little comfort from all the handholding tonight.

LaPufalina · 06/07/2021 03:20

So sorry Vicki, what a horrible shock for you.
I've been bereaved this year and found "it's ok that you're not ok" by Megan Devine helpful, it focuses on out-of-order deaths like spouses, she lost her partner https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1622039076/ref=cmswwrwaaapiglttfabcT5MY4A7T6G7F0543K7S9

Eeyoreswigwam · 06/07/2021 03:21

I hope you get some sleep Vickibee Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/07/2021 03:29

Do you you know what I want when my time comes?

Someone to talk with such love and honesty about me as you have about your husband.

I hope that someone will love me as much as you clearly loved each other xxx

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 06/07/2021 03:35

There's a fair few Aussies and Kiwis on MN. We're all awake while your side of the world sleeps. Always happy for a chat.

Hope you get some sleep x

siucra · 06/07/2021 03:36

Hello Vicky, thank you for telling us about your wonderful husband. He sounds like a really special man. There aren’t too many like that. Lots of love to you and you son xx

harverina · 06/07/2021 03:37

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss 💔 right now it won’t feel real, it is all so very raw.

I can’t really offer much other than from a very practical point of view - I recently lost my beautiful mum and really didn’t know where to start. A good friend told me to find a funeral director quickly because of the support they offer with all of the practical tasks and next steps. After that first appointment it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The grief of course wasn’t any better, but the practical issues didn’t feel as overwhelming.

Sending you lots of love ❤️

Justilou1 · 06/07/2021 03:38

I am so very sorry for your loss @vickibee… I hope you have good friends and family to talk to IRL and lean on them as much as you can. I’m in Australia so bound to be awake if you can’t sleep.

Helpimfalling · 06/07/2021 03:39

Sending so much love to you and your son x

Cantchooseaname · 06/07/2021 03:43

What a lovely message @PyongyangKipperbang. I whole heartedly agree- it sounds like you had a strong relationship, and faced the world together.
Make time to look after yourself, each day eill have its challenges.
Your husband sounds like the kind of person we’d all want to call a friend.

DareIask · 06/07/2021 03:48

It's always the good ones isn't it. I'm so sorry this has happened to you; another lovely poster talking about their lovely lost OH.

So unfair, so heartbreaking...

Thinking of you x

anotherday235 · 06/07/2021 03:52

So sorry for your loss. X