My husband died suddenly today

[vickibee]

And I don’t know what to do. It has not sunk in yet and I only know it happened at work around noon.
I don’t know if there is anyone up to talk to I just feel I need some human contact

We have an indoor rabbit who is permanently attached to ds and always eating, a cat who is scared of outside who ds loves but the cat is and his 2 silkie chickens who he worships. Mine would also love a horse, alpaca herd, sheep, dogs, a farm in middle of nowhere with 600 sheep would be the dream. You can get cats from rescue charities that are indoor only and they are normally good company for asd but appreciate maybe too much atm plus bit harder now with lockdown to get hold of them though normally have older ones and the less attractive.

Think there are a few breeds of cat that are indoor like Maine Coon, my DS would love one of those but they are twice the size of a normal cat, he loves anything very fluffy.

We went alpaca trekking a few months ago, after that he wanted an alpaca. He got the friendly one, mine was grumpy and didn't like being led around on a lead. They were lovely though
A cat is worth thinking about, but for another day
What I really want is for DS to have some meaningful friendships

That is a lovely photo. Hope he can find a few good friends.

@Silkiescatz
Any tips on facilitating this, every time he is close to making friends something happens and he screws it up

I am guessing your username is about your fluffy cats ?

Im sorry for your loss. he sounds like a fine man.

Our chickens are silkies so that is the silkie bit and cat is just your regular tabby.

Sadly not much success on friends here. At primary he made a few but I was quite involved in that which is difficult at secondary and so he has not really got any friends, he says he does not want any, he prefers pets but suspect he does really. Though even the NT boys just seem to grunt at each other at this age and go on phones, playstations or similar, ds wont use those but boys do seem to communicate a bit through them. Other thing we had success with when younger though is David Lloyd and he would play with them.

Absolutely he was, a heart of gold.
I didn’t appreciate or tell him enough when he was here so that’s a lesson learned.
We used to bicker a lot and even get on each other’s nerves but I would give anything to be annoyed right now and even his loud snoring would be comforting somehow. Lol

@Silkiescatz
He has online friends but real life friends not really. I would love for him to just go for a walk of a Macdonalds with someone without me having to plan it a week in advance.
He just gets his communication so wrong, he has a good vocab but actually putting the words together to make meaningful sentences in the right places is a no go

I wish I could tell you something helpful, have asked on Goose and Carrot if anyone has any tips as lots with SN kids on there though I think most or possible all aren't great at socialising. I also find boys are very delayed compared with girls, even the NT ones just seem to grunt at each other at this age. Whereas my DD is off here, there and everywhere with friends though then you worry about that a bit as well when it gets late.

My DS isn't speaking at all since January and won't use phone or email so even when one child tried he wouldn't reply. He does not seem bothered just said I have got pets which would I want to spend time with other children. I am currently trying with another Mum who has a similar child but it is painful on both sides. At primary he had three friends who he went out with a lot and we went to David Lloyd but all with me and other Mums organising and he has never shifted to stage of him organising. He can't organise himself. The only thing I wandered about doing was maybe organising a birthday party and then maybe another kid would invite him back but he keeps having birthday in lockdown. Hope someone can give you some good advice though I would keep arranging yourself if he will do that, better than nothing.

@vickibee what shocking news, I am sorry for your loss.

So my boss thought he was being kind when he asked to see me last week. He pushed me about how I was and I guess he didn’t like my answer. I explained that I put on my fake smile and get on with it, that is is a challenge to get up in a morning and am consumed with grief. In his usual tactful way he basically said I should be over it by now and I was over emotional because we all lose people we love. FFS. I Ended up in floods of tears, wishing people would just leave me alone and let me have peace and quiet.

I'm sorry that your boss said that. I'm guessing he has never experienced what you have. He owes you a massive apology for sure.

Is there a HR department at work? Maybe drop them an email and suggest further training for him. If not then maybe an email directly to him telling him how he made you feel and what you need him to do?

I am so sorry to hear that op. He is very insensitive. He definitely owes you an apology. As pp said speak to your HR Department.💐💐💐

Jesus, what an absolute wanker!! There's clearly something wrong with him.

So sorry. Your boss is an idiot.
You're not over emotional at all. And why should you ever get over losing your life partner?

I wish the flowers were real and you could bat your boss around the head with them.
Probably just as well you can't though.
Take care.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course you’re still struggling.

It sounds like now is the time to get HR involved in discussions re your boss. What he said is appalling.

also, try asking him what his expectations of you are. So if he says you should be over it by now, say can you give me an example of how you’d like me to behave. Make him spell it out.

I haven’t seen your post before now. I pop in and out of mumsnet a lot, but miss so much. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I can’t imagine how awful it must be. I’m sending you lots of love and strength.

Your boss is an absolute fool. Of course you shouldn’t be over it yet. I’d imagine you’re still partly numb. Someone earlier said you should complain higher up if you can and I agree. There’s no timeframe for grief for gods sake. My mum lost her sister who was her best friend, and she adored in 1987. She still can’t talk about her without crying. I think she probably should have had some counselling, but I don’t think it was a common thing then. In the future you might need to too, but not too soon. You’ve got to let yourself get over the shock first, and it takes time.

Thanks all for your continued support, it helps to do this
Unfortunately we are a smallish SME and don't have an HR dept or I would raise it as an issue. He has complete authority to run the office as he pleases and isn't really accountable to anyone. Head Office are no help either
We had a really pleasant weekend, we went to the local agricultural show and saw a few friends. DS got his dads wedding ring resized to fit him. On Sunday we went horse riding and had Sunday lunch with friends.
It is weird that you have pleasurable moments but there is this big black cloud following you round, and the survivor's guilt

That's lovely you had a good weekend Vicki and definitely don't feel guilty about that. How has your week been? Sorry not been around, we have covid here, but thinking about you and hope you are OK.

@Silkiescatz
Thank you. I am guessing u can’t sleep either judging by the time of your post. We are mostly ok TY
There is a bit of stress in our house this week Ds is getting overwhelmed with homework, never a good subject in our house. School is for work and home is not.
I am glad that work have left me be but I am seeking a new job because I want a fresh start with colleagues that don’t know my history. This is quite stessful I am terrible at interviews. Plus more bloody forms fo fill out, every form causes its own distress.
Hope your Are not to ill with COVID and feeling better soon.

on top of everything else I have an elderly Mother who has always been demanding, she backed off when DH passed but is now back on form, demanding this and that. I really can't deal with it. She has just called me at work to ask for a pack of bacon and can I take it up as soon as I finish at work. She had her flu jab on Saturday and it has made her feel under the weather and it is what she fancies. There is no connection with Mum she is so cold, neve hugs or shows any affection even when we were kids Never asks how I am or bout how I am coping. I feel sandwiched now looking after an SEN teen and my elderly Mum with no support.

She sounds like hard work! Tell her a bit of fresh air will do her the world of good and get herself to the shop.

@userxx makes out she can’t do anything, she is 87 and living in a tiny village with two busses a day and so relies on other people for everything. Now she wants to be for new glasses and hearing aids just becuase she has too much time to think about what she can have next. She won’t accept outside help either, I think the only reason she had kids was to look after her in her old age.

I was thinking of you the other day @vickibee. I'm so sorry your family and boss are adding to your difficult time. You were so strong to be honest with your boss. Is there any way you can start looking for another job? Also, you can say no to your mother. No one needs bacon that much that they demand a recently bereaved person shops for it!