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Original poster

My husband died suddenly today

478 replies

vickibee · 06/07/2021 01:57

And I don’t know what to do. It has not sunk in yet and I only know it happened at work around noon.
I don’t know if there is anyone up to talk to I just feel I need some human contact

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Original poster
vickibee · 17/08/2021 08:52

Thanks DS is on the surface at least coping well.he is and so everything is black and white.you live and then you die kind of thing.
I just want yo keep a low profile and be largely left alone. Colleagues ask you how u are and you have to say you are fine because that's what's expected. I am not fine just putting on a brave face.

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SunshineCake · 17/08/2021 16:50

Don't say fine. Say you are broken hearted and then carry on with work. I really don't like to think of you saying something so they don't feel uncomfortable.

caringcarer · 17/08/2021 17:10

Vicki, this happened to.my sister and her DH was 41. Massive heart attack. She was told it would have been very quick. She put her DH clothing he had been wearing and his pillow case in a sealed tight bag. When things got really bad she unzipped and breathed in his scent. It helped her when she was really low. There will be an autopsy as death sudden so you won't.get death certificate very quickly so won't have to plan funeral for a while yet. I am so sorry you and your son are having to go through this. Sending hugs.

Original poster
vickibee · 17/08/2021 17:48

@caringcarer
It happened on 5 July so six weeks ago. The coroner said it was a massive heart attack so the funeral could go ahead on 21 July. He left his pj's in our bed and they are still there. Going to bed alone at night is the hardest thing. The house feels so empty. I was looking through old photos of our wedding honeymoon and newborn photos and reminis about old happy times Smile

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Coffeepot72 · 29/08/2021 18:01

How are you doing Vicki, i often think about you xx

Original poster
vickibee · 29/08/2021 18:34

@Coffeepot72
Thnx for asking. I guess I am just about holding it together. It will be 8 weeks tomorrow. At first everyone rallied round but now I am seeing less of people. I understand they have their own lives to lead so I can't blame them but I do feel so alone. My son barely comes out of his room. I can't wait until school resumes
I am back at work. I felt a bit of pressure to go back but I guess I couldn't stay off 4ever.
We haven't seen or spoke to a single person today. 😒
I just don't know if I will ever feel fine again I miss him so much it hurts.

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Coffeepot72 · 29/08/2021 18:45

When mum died, dad was feeling pretty much as I expect you are now - and his GP commented that “in 12 months time you will definitely feel an awful lot better than you feel today” and this turned out to be true. Even though none of us quite believed it at the time. If you’re feeling alone, then please post? Lots of people will be happy to chat to you xx

Original poster
vickibee · 29/08/2021 18:52

Thnx coffee
At my sons request I made him his favourite meal for lunch. Toad in the hole with loads of veg and gravy. He came out of his room for that. Lol.
I just don't have the motivation to do very much. There is thousands of jobs need doing but I just can't be bothered. My get up and go has completely left me and tight now I can't imagine feeling differently anytime soon. I am sorry to sound so 😒and maybe this is why people don't want to be near bereaved folk.

My husband died suddenly today
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Coffeepot72 · 29/08/2021 18:57

That looks delicious! I think people always mean very well and rally round initially and then get drawn back into their own lives? Gradually though, you will find a new routine and new normal. Are you planning to go out tomorrow with your son, just for a few hours? Even if you have to bribe him with his favourite food?!

Original poster
vickibee · 29/08/2021 19:06

He doesn’t want to leave the house. I really can’t get him to go anywhere not even a walk
We did go th the footie yesterday we have a season ticket at Barnsley fc
Even that feels odd as we all used to go. They had a minutes silence for all the COVID deaths last time and I ended up blubbering like some sort of mad woman.
I was quite please with my Yorks. Pudds they actually rose and looked half decent.

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Coffeepot72 · 29/08/2021 19:10

I confess to buying ready made up Yorkshire’s from Sainsbury’s …

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 19:13

Having just read this I want to say how truly sorry I am fir your loss. It must feel strange that everyone else is carrying on with life. Flowers

Original poster
vickibee · 29/08/2021 19:21

Yes the world carries on as normal. And yours is falling apart.
I am trying to focus on the memories we shared together. And the good things he left behind. Like the garden which he has made into a lovely space for us to enjoy. He even restored a decrepit bench. I intend to get a memorial plaque to remember him by.

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HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 19:24

Thats a lovely idea

Coffeepot72 · 29/08/2021 19:29

Yes, lovely idea xx

Abhannmor · 29/08/2021 20:31

This is a hard time. Take care of yourself Flowers

Original poster
vickibee · 03/09/2021 10:35

So today I have had notification of the death in service sum being paid into the bank. It feels so wrong, kind of like blood money and I don't actually want it.
I am sat at work with my fake smile pretending everything is alright when really it is not. I don't know how to feel normal and the really sad thing is I dont even know if I want to

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misscockerspaniel · 03/09/2021 10:56

Sending you a virtual hug. Grief can be, and is, overwhelming. Flowers

Coffeepot72 · 03/09/2021 11:03

I'm not surprised that the news of the payment has upset you, that's totally understandable. Unless your work mates are all made of stone, I'm sure they will realise its way too soon for you to be feeling ok, and must be aware you're putting on a brave face during working hours? Have you considered any sort of bereavement counselling, I'm wondering if a counsellor could help you find your way to a new normal? And I'm pleased you're posting, its always good to be in contact with people, even if it is via the internet.

Original poster
vickibee · 03/09/2021 11:36

Thank you both.
My boss is made of stone actually, he keeps saying if there is anything I can do please don't hesitate to ask. So I did ask for some practical help with a troublesome tree, we have a team of tree surgeons and I bascially got told to jog on.
Empty words if they are not actually meant, I have been here ten years so not as if I am a fly by night. He has no empathy whatso ever. Doesnt care so long as the work gets done

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Silkiescatz · 03/09/2021 11:39

Sending you a hug. If you do not feel up to being at work then you can get signed off by GP and please do not feel you need to put a brave face on for anyone. I have an asd child of the same age and he is the same with death, just says its normal and he also shuts down and goes mute. He does respond sometimes to me saying how I feel and then he will say he feels the same.

Re the money that must be a distressing reminder but please do not see it as blood money, my husband always is happy that money is there so he could help us still if he dies and I think that money is money from your husband to help you and your son so he can still look after you. It maybe too much to think about it now but please use it for anything that would help you or your son. It could be just a cleaner, or a deposit on a house for your son in future, or money for a holiday if you are both up to it later. Take care.

Silkiescatz · 03/09/2021 11:42

Cross posted, your boss sounds really horrible. I would either get signed off, take some time off or may consider a new job in time.

Original poster
vickibee · 03/09/2021 11:52

Yes having an ASD child definitely makes things harder
He gets it wrong so much, he upset my nieces 9yo daughter yesterday, basically she was winding him up videoing him saying she was going to out it on FB and make him look ridiculous. He replied by saying he was going to kill and bury her if she did that. I understand thay this is inappropriate but he just says what pops into his head. Anyway my nieces husband went ballistic and threw us out of the house. The girl had burst into tears in her room and totally over reacted.
Problem is he looks normal and is really articulate, he says the words but without any thought and blurts out the wrong stuff. DNs husband doesn't understand him that he has a learning disabiility. He has said sorry loads of times but the damage is done. I have had issues like this for 14 years. DS said he spends time on his PS$ because it is a safe space and he cant get into bother. I feel so sad for him he is so misunderstood

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Silkiescatz · 03/09/2021 12:05

That is so mean of them after his Dad just died Sad though Dads can be very overprotective of daughters. My family also do not understand asd and I had to stop contact as they thought hitting him and telling me I was useless was the solution and put up lots of photos of my NT child and none of him.

My DS loves pets, do you have any animals?

Original poster
vickibee · 03/09/2021 12:21

two guinea pigs and whilst they are cute they don't really do very much, just eating and pooing machines lol. He is asking for a cat but I don't want the responsibility our last cat got runover. :(
He does like animals - he goes horse riding via RDA but he is definitely not having a horse!

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