Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is it rude to do this when invited for dinner?

624 replies

yummytum · 01/07/2021 18:47

I often bring my own bottle of fizzy drink when going to someone else's house for dinner.

There's been a few situations over the years where I just don't know the host enough to know if they'll have a fizzy.

Anyway, I'm off to MIL's for a dinner tomorrow night and H questioned me in the car, saying 'Oh you're not bringing a bottle of drink are you? People must feel really uncomfortable'.

I said I am! It's what I like to have with my food. He just looked very Hmm

Am I really rude to do this? Is it some unspoken etiquette? If it helps, I don't announce it's for sharing but I do always say 'Got this with me, you're welcome to some' to the person standing by whilst I put it in the fridge

OP posts:
Stygimoloch · 04/07/2021 12:04

@TheOccupier I absolutely would stay home 🤣🤣 what an ordeal it sounds! It’s supposed to be enjoyable!

SamW98 · 04/07/2021 12:05

[quote TheOccupier]**@Stygimoloch* @Crockof* regardless, that is the polite thing to do. A well hydrated adult won't come to any harm going a couple of hours without a drink. What's "mental" is refusing to drink water, even when thirsty. And it's not the type of drink that might offend, its bringing one at all. If what your host is serving isn't good enough for you, stay at home and save them the bother![/quote]
But why should anyone go without a drink just because you decide that their beverage of choice isn't suitable?

And surely any good host should be checking with their guests if there's anything in particular they require and that includes their choice of drink

SamW98 · 04/07/2021 12:08

@JennieLee

I think the 'rules' can be part of the fun. For once, you dress up a bit, you eat and drink things you might not normally eat - some of which are delicious. You make an effort conversationally to tell stories and perhaps get to know new people.

I'm not saying it isn't also fun to eat a take-away in front of the TV, but it's good to have the variety.

I often think back to a dinner party I had before lockdown - and really missed that chance to meet friends in that slightly more 'formal' way.

Who mentioned a takeaway in front of the tv? Its perfectly normal to have a dinner with grown adults having conversations around a table without enforcing strict outdate rules on them regarding what they are permitted to drink

I've got a teetotal mate who often comes over with orange juice which is her drink of choice whatever food is being served - as a grown adult in her 50's, I respect she's old enough to decide what she wants to drink and don't force her to have tap water of nothing

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
Stygimoloch · 04/07/2021 12:09

@SamW98 I think these people aren’t good hosts though. The dinner parties sound pretentious and it’s not about the guests enjoying themselves at all. It’s about showing off how sophisticated they are! I’d hate it!

They probably have a list of agreed topics they can discuss too.

Stygimoloch · 04/07/2021 12:11

as a grown adult in her 50's, I respect she's old enough to decide what she wants to drink and don't force her to have tap water of nothing

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Imagine having the autonomy to choose your own drink!

moynomore · 04/07/2021 12:18

The issue for me isn't that I'd force my guests to have certain drinks, it just that, as a guest, I would take what was offered. Surely you can handle that for one meal. If I knew a certain guest like a particular drink, I would get it in for them.

JennieLee · 04/07/2021 12:20

Maybe - shock horror - some people actually like talking in depth about, for example, the books they've read or the films they've seen. Or trying a wine of a variety they've not drank before. They're not pretending at all. Similarly they might really enjoy eating food that other people don't. like or feel suspicious about.

Just as other people might genuinely like analysing Gareth Southgate's team selection or like a deep-dish pizza with loads of extra topping..

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 12:25

So, according to some posters on here:

  • Fizzy alcoholic fruit juice is fine, but fizzy non-alcoholic fruit juice is not.
  • Non-drinkers should be happy with a glass of tap water, even though guests who drink have a choice of red wine, white wine, sparkling wine and possibly beer or lager too.
  • Fizzy drinks in glass bottles are fine, but not fizzy drinks in plastic bottles (what about drinks in cans?!)
  • Fizzy drinks with things like elderflower in are fine, but ones with orange or other flavours are not.
  • If non-drinkers aren't happy with tap water, they should just suck it up and go without anything to drink for several hours.

Because, heaven forbid someone has different tastes to you and wants a fizzy, non-alcoholic drink with their dinner Grin

GintyMcGinty · 04/07/2021 12:27

I don't see anything wrong with this at all.

VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 12:35

To be fair, sometimes most of us like to go out fish and chips. And other times, we might go out to a restaurant of some repute, and live the high life a little - and we probably wouldn't order fish and chips (if they even offered it), because the it's about the 'experience' of going out and enjoying fine dining. I don't consider that snobbery, it's about going above and beyond the normal in order to make an evening feel a little bit special.

In the same way, an informal get together amongst friends should be normal, and if someone wants to bring their own favourite drink along, there really is no harm in that at all, and friends just wouldn't feel offended if they new the intention wasn't to snub what was on offer, merely to cover all bases in case the host didn't have any already stocked.

Now, IF the host has attempted to make the get together something special and gone out of their way to make it a little more formal and 'posh' (not because they are snobs, but because they just wanted it to feel a little bit special), then I would think the guest would also use a little discretion and recognise the extra effort made. I think it would a polite thing to ask the host 'Would my diet coke ruin your efforts, or clash with the food?' - I think a decent host would probably say 'don't be silly, it's fine, but you'll have to drink it from a wine glass as we are being posh!!'... and thus make it a fun matter rather than 'yes actually, it would ruin the pork belly' (what did you just my husband???) - which might set a bit of a sour tone.

Decent people find ways to make it work. If my guest was polite enough to have asked, because it's a special 'posh' night, then I'd reciprocate by acknowledging it must be a big enough deal to them, to have asked.

There you go. Basic decency, on a plate (as it were!).

SamW98 · 04/07/2021 12:35

@JennieLee

Maybe - shock horror - some people actually like talking in depth about, for example, the books they've read or the films they've seen. Or trying a wine of a variety they've not drank before. They're not pretending at all. Similarly they might really enjoy eating food that other people don't. like or feel suspicious about.

Just as other people might genuinely like analysing Gareth Southgate's team selection or like a deep-dish pizza with loads of extra topping..

Again - who mentioned anyone not being able to talk in depth about any subject? But that can be done while one of the party is enjoying a soft drink of their own choice

Most people are well rounded enough to be able to talk about various subjects on different levels without being told they have to drink tap water or go thirsty

SamW98 · 04/07/2021 12:38

@Stygimoloch

as a grown adult in her 50's, I respect she's old enough to decide what she wants to drink and don't force her to have tap water of nothing

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Imagine having the autonomy to choose your own drink!

The audacity of it - how dare they

Tbh I always have a fully stocked fridge and bar but mates always turn up with wine, nibbles or soft drinks of their own choosing.
This particular friend I could have a gallon of juice in the fridge but she would still bring her own 'just in case' - I can't see any reason at all for finding that offensive

SamW98 · 04/07/2021 12:39

@warmfluffytowels

So, according to some posters on here:
  • Fizzy alcoholic fruit juice is fine, but fizzy non-alcoholic fruit juice is not.
  • Non-drinkers should be happy with a glass of tap water, even though guests who drink have a choice of red wine, white wine, sparkling wine and possibly beer or lager too.
  • Fizzy drinks in glass bottles are fine, but not fizzy drinks in plastic bottles (what about drinks in cans?!)
  • Fizzy drinks with things like elderflower in are fine, but ones with orange or other flavours are not.
  • If non-drinkers aren't happy with tap water, they should just suck it up and go without anything to drink for several hours.

Because, heaven forbid someone has different tastes to you and wants a fizzy, non-alcoholic drink with their dinner Grin

What a brilliant night out that sounds - count me in
VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 12:47

How long is an appropriate length of time before using the dining table after... ?

VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 12:48

You are all proper uncoof!

LadyDanburysCane · 04/07/2021 13:21

The issue for me isn't that I'd force my guests to have certain drinks, it just that, as a guest, I would take what was offered.

I would love to be able to take what was offered but unless the host has read all the labels as carefully as I do then I would probably be leaving very early to spend the rest of the night in my bathroom in a great deal of discomfort…..

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 13:23

The issue for me isn't that I'd force my guests to have certain drinks, it just that, as a guest, I would take what was offered.

But your guests are not you. Why should they be expected to accept/tolerate things the same way you do?

BirdsandBeesmakinghay · 04/07/2021 18:20

@warmfluffytowels

The issue for me isn't that I'd force my guests to have certain drinks, it just that, as a guest, I would take what was offered.

But your guests are not you. Why should they be expected to accept/tolerate things the same way you do?

So you’d turn up foe dinner and demand that you eat the things that were to your taste only? Would think that polite?
SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 04/07/2021 19:28

@warmfluffytowels

The issue for me isn't that I'd force my guests to have certain drinks, it just that, as a guest, I would take what was offered.

But your guests are not you. Why should they be expected to accept/tolerate things the same way you do?

Do you produce a menus of choices - entrées, main, desserts - when you host?!

Most people don’t do that - it’s just one if each, so yes, guests kind of are forced to eat what the host has produced.

GrandmasCat · 04/07/2021 19:48

As long as you bring enough to share, I see no problem. But I can see how irritating it could be when everyone drinks your non alcoholic drink when the hosts failed at providing some.

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 19:59

So you’d turn up foe dinner and demand that you eat the things that were to your taste only? Would think that polite?

I won't eat things I dislike, no. I'm sure you think that makes me rude, though. I have serious sensory issues around food (autism) and I'd rather refuse it altogether than risk gagging and being sick at the table.

Autism aside, no, I don't think grown adults should be made to eat or drink things they dislike. I don't really see what purpose it serves.

Do you produce a menus of choices - entrées, main, desserts - when you host?!

No, but I also wouldn't serve something as the sole option if I knew a guest severely disliked it. I would either provide an alternative they DID like, or serve something I knew everyone would enjoy.

Most people don’t do that - it’s just one if each, so yes, guests kind of are forced to eat what the host has produced.

I certainly don't force guests to eat things at my house, lol. But again, I also wouldn't be offended if people brought their own meal if they preferred, though I know MN considers that the height of rudeness!

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 04/07/2021 22:28

Well of course a competent host is going to aim to make a dinner that her/his guests will enjoy. There’s no point to the entire exercise, otherwise.

But the question you asked was - why should they (guests) be expected to accept/tolerate things the same way you do?

Because if you go to someone’s house and they cook for you, of course you have to ‘accept/tolerate things the way they’ve done it’.

Again, any good host will know and accommodate guests’ needs and preferences. But short of creating a menu for people to choose from, there may well be a bit of compromise on the part of the guest.

The idea is that the evening itself is meant to be enjoyable, you socialise and catch up with friends, have a few drinks and some laughs. And even if you really don’t like the mushrooms in the Beef Bourguignon, you politely ‘accept/tolerate’ them. Or if that’s impossible, you just don’t eat them.

But ultimately, yes, you do kind of have to ‘accept/tolerate’ the hosts offerings!

BirdsandBeesmakinghay · 04/07/2021 22:33

@SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy

Well of course a competent host is going to aim to make a dinner that her/his guests will enjoy. There’s no point to the entire exercise, otherwise.

But the question you asked was - why should they (guests) be expected to accept/tolerate things the same way you do?

Because if you go to someone’s house and they cook for you, of course you have to ‘accept/tolerate things the way they’ve done it’.

Again, any good host will know and accommodate guests’ needs and preferences. But short of creating a menu for people to choose from, there may well be a bit of compromise on the part of the guest.

The idea is that the evening itself is meant to be enjoyable, you socialise and catch up with friends, have a few drinks and some laughs. And even if you really don’t like the mushrooms in the Beef Bourguignon, you politely ‘accept/tolerate’ them. Or if that’s impossible, you just don’t eat them.

But ultimately, yes, you do kind of have to ‘accept/tolerate’ the hosts offerings!

Yes, exactly.
OnTheBoardwalk · 04/07/2021 22:38

Why doesn’t DH just say to his mum yummytum only drinks this, have you got any? If not we will bring some

Not sure what the drama is about

New posts on this thread. Refresh page