Son's 21st and not a clue...

[ElephantOfRisk]

DS1 will be 21 in just over a week.

He's always hard to buy for but this seems impossible. We made more of his 18th so he knows this is a sort of special but not big ticket birthday in terms of presents. It also doesn't seem the birthday where I can buy a few bits (beer/snacks etc) and bung some money in a card.

He has terrible social anxiety and barely leaves the house except to walk round the estate for fresh air or if he comes out for dinner with DH and I.

He's studying computer science but has everything he needs for that and he got new keyboard and mouse etc for Christmas. He has a newish phone.

He's not into clothes or music or sport and has plenty of money to buy himself anything he wants anyway so I don't really want to just give money. There is no point doing balloons and cake if it's just us 3 here and it's not something i think that he'd appreciate. I've asked him what he'd like and he doesn't know.

I came up with a desperation list: toolkit, hip flask, traditional shaving gear, getting a personal trainer (bought him a gym membership but he hasn't really used it when the gym has been open), new glasses, teeth whitening, having his v small group of friends from school that he's met up with three times in the last few years but last time was only a few months ago, round for the afternoon/evening and i'd cater some food and booze and he could have the run of the back of the house. DH and I could drop them back up for the train to the next town where they live/home after.

He looked at the list but didn't go for anything.

I feel so bad when i see what other folk have done for DCs 21st and I've literally organised and bought nothing.

I bought my DS a PS5 for his birthday and took him out to lunch (he was living at uni at the the time).
Your DS sound like mine when he was 18, I remember all the other DC seemed to be having big parties and doing and getting lots of stuff but my DC didn’t want all that. Since then I’ve stopped comparing him to others.

How well do you know the school friends? Could you message the best of them and say ds is being an apathetic git about his birthday and if you give them £200 or whatever could they take him out for dinner? Come and collect him job done. I know ds friends well and they are sociable lads. Tbh there is nothing they would enjoy more than planning a party night with someone else's money.

He's not a console player, he plays on his PC, he has built and upgraded his own PCs since he was 13, he has a full set up with 3 screens and all the best of gismos. PS5 definitely a good call though if he was that way inclined - i'll park that for DS2s 21st next year!

I don't know the friends at all, he went to a school in a different town as he was bullied in primary school. So he's made these friends in high school and they've never really been round at the house as we weren't local. He's been out of school for 3 years now and the other guys are all at uni scattered all over the UK so it's really only the summer when they meet up. Other than stalk them on FB and try to message on there (if they even use it) I'd have no way of contacting them.

You could still do balloons etc at home just for your family.
Would you son like to do anything such as visit a museum or maybe tickets for a computer exhibition (if there’s such a thing)?

I wasn't really one of the partying 18/21 year olds either, we are a pretty quiet family to be fair, i don't want him not to be himself, i just have a feeling he'd like to be a bit more sociable and a bit more confident and i'd like to help him do that.

If i thought he was completely happy as he is, that would be fine. He's not unhappy, just not getting enough out of life I don't think. It would be good if he had a small social circle just to go for a pint or the cinema with or play board games or whatever. he's not a party animal and I don't think his friends are either.

My boys were like that but they’ve found their people now. I remember feeling like you, I think it will happen for your son.

There are some lovely gin subscription boxes that are all about quality rather than quantity so you get really great stuff. He might like a subscription to one of those?

Get him a tortoise.

We did a gaming convention back when those types of things were allowed but I never know if he enjoys things like that or not, he just trudges beside you. The saving grace in past years has been that we are usually on holiday for his birthday so it's been a bit more interesting and we've done boat trips and snorkelling and such things if abroad or if in the UK we've done an activity day and then obviously had a meal out etc.

I guess the difference this year is that DH is working although i'm off and DS2 is back up at Uni, DS1 doesn't usually get up until 11ish so it will pretty much be just the two of us until DH is home which is why i'm thinking to take him for lunch and do the gin tour and maybe have a takeaway on the day but have a nice dinner out the weekend before or after (his choice and his choice where he'd like to eat)

@SwimBaby

My boys were like that but they’ve found their people now. I remember feeling like you, I think it will happen for your son.

Thank you, i really hope so. He has had times when his mood has been quite low but he does seem brighter in general at the moment, just unable to break out of his rut. I'm glad your boys are sorted.

I'm not sure of your money situation but my parents took us to New York for mine and a cruise for my brothers. Was amazing seeing new places and an experience we will never forget. Was also some of our last hols as our little family before we met partners etc. You might be able to book some bargains for next year?

Lunch and a gin tour sounds fab.

I would do some nice things for his actual birthday - a meal, a cake etc, and a small gift and then give him a promise of something - his choice - whenever he wants it. If in the future he thinks “yeah, I might want to do that but can’t afford it”, then you step in with a 21st gift. I think the promise of future resource is a really nice gift.

My DS was 18 just before lockdown and we had a great gift sorted which just didn’t work once we locked down (it was 5 x personal training sessions with the person who was a national champion in his hobby). So we said to him that he had a gift to be “cashed in” as and when he wanted. We and he had a notional idea of how much we were going to spend but I said it wasn’t a hard amount, I was happy to be a bit elastic either way. He’s said a couple of times since - can I have that for my 18th birthday present and we were fine, but interestingly then he decided to wait to see if there was anything he wanted more. He used a small part of it towards something he wanted but knows he has some more “credit” left. I’ve told him it is his to choose how to spend, but suggested he looks for something a bit out of what he would usually do. But it doesn’t have to be a watch or anything like that.

Interestingly DD is going to be 18 in October. We could do something more traditional but she has already asked for a “choice” same as DS. So I feel like it has worked!

Gin subscription is a good idea :)

Are you still able to get tortoises? Next door have one but he's been passed down through family and is about 70 plus. A friend has a pet hedgehog though...

Or a personalised gin glass?

Some gin subscription ideas in this article:

www.bbcgoodfood.com/review/best-gin-subscription

@Cactuslove

I'm not sure of your money situation but my parents took us to New York for mine and a cruise for my brothers. Was amazing seeing new places and an experience we will never forget. Was also some of our last hols as our little family before we met partners etc. You might be able to book some bargains for next year?

We could do that but it would wipe out our savings. We are not a big earning family but we are also not big spenders, anything spare really goes on the boys as we are supporting both through uni.

DS probably has about as much as us saved!

Plan is to downsize our house in the next few years and hopefully have enough left for them to have a deposit for a place of their own.

So, i'd say they are spoiled but we aren't particularly well off - we'll be below average income generally which is still better off than a lot of folks.

How about adopting an animal in his name? or buying him an experience that might push him out of his comfort zone and let him try something new? Or you could put some cash into an investment account for his future?

Thanks for the further gin ideas, i'll take a look :)

Lego Technic.

There are models with 3 -4 thousand pieces and you need to concentrate.

PS if it's any consolation I spent my 21st in a police station giving a witness statement after a serious assault, (40 years ago).

A large box, covered in 21 wrapping paper, filled with 21 small gifts eg £20 note, £1 coin, (or 20 x £1 coins), personalised label stuck on a wine/beer bottle (soak off original label in advance), magazine subscription, posh whisky, personalised mouse mat/socks/wallet from Etsy etc. Good luck.

I don't want to just do money or an investment as we are already supporting him with that and whilst i think he'll appreciate that further down the line, he's not motivated by money and doesn't spend it so in a way it doesn't seem like a gift.

DS2 will be 20 next month but i have lots of ideas for him and he would also appreciate money, he's on a bit of a fitness kick and I think he's even like cash sort of ringfenced to just spend on new clothes. DS1 doesn't care about clothes unfortunately and isn't using his gym subscription. DS2 would maybe appreciate the PT sessions but i'm thinking they would be wasted on DS1.

I'm glad the cash in type gift worked well for you Tawny, DS1 would just never ask for anything I'm afraid. I don't think he has actually expressed an opinion on a gift or asked for anything since he was about 12. It usually comes down to me finally striking on something he "wouldn't mind" or just getting what i think which is a hit or a miss.

Christmas it was replacing/upgrading his keyboard and mouse. Last birthday it was his phone.

@VeniVidiWeeWee

Lego Technic.

There are models with 3 -4 thousand pieces and you need to concentrate.

PS if it's any consolation I spent my 21st in a police station giving a witness statement after a serious assault, (40 years ago).

I'm really sorry that you had to deal with that, particularly on your birthday. I spent mine in London on a training course with 7 strangers which was actually ok.

I have done a few Lego things when he's been an older teen/young adult but I'm really not sure anymore. Redecorating his bedroom required him to empty out his room a bit and has revealed a lego storage issue - he has literally tons of it, all mixed together. 4 underbed storage things, 10 ikea blue crates, plus some models he has set up on his shelves and at least another 10 blue boxes shoved into the spare room. He also had some cardboard boxes where he's started to sort it by colour. It looks like a year project to me to deal with it!

I got mine 21 presents
Can't remember them all but included 2 kg of fudge, bottle of mead, socks, T-shirt's, trackie bottoms. Nothing big ticket apart from his cbt for a moped which I'm paying for now that his provisional has finally turned up.

He loved the stack of presents

@Oldieandgoldie

A large box, covered in 21 wrapping paper, filled with 21 small gifts eg £20 note, £1 coin, (or 20 x £1 coins), personalised label stuck on a wine/beer bottle (soak off original label in advance), magazine subscription, posh whisky, personalised mouse mat/socks/wallet from Etsy etc. Good luck.

As it's now just over a week away, i think i'm getting past the point where i'll be able to get much personalised unless it's very local but i'm away to see what bits I can find.