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Original poster

Son's 21st and not a clue...

97 replies

ElephantOfRisk · 26/06/2021 20:44

DS1 will be 21 in just over a week.

He's always hard to buy for but this seems impossible. We made more of his 18th so he knows this is a sort of special but not big ticket birthday in terms of presents. It also doesn't seem the birthday where I can buy a few bits (beer/snacks etc) and bung some money in a card.

He has terrible social anxiety and barely leaves the house except to walk round the estate for fresh air or if he comes out for dinner with DH and I.

He's studying computer science but has everything he needs for that and he got new keyboard and mouse etc for Christmas. He has a newish phone.

He's not into clothes or music or sport and has plenty of money to buy himself anything he wants anyway so I don't really want to just give money. There is no point doing balloons and cake if it's just us 3 here and it's not something i think that he'd appreciate. I've asked him what he'd like and he doesn't know.

I came up with a desperation list: toolkit, hip flask, traditional shaving gear, getting a personal trainer (bought him a gym membership but he hasn't really used it when the gym has been open), new glasses, teeth whitening, having his v small group of friends from school that he's met up with three times in the last few years but last time was only a few months ago, round for the afternoon/evening and i'd cater some food and booze and he could have the run of the back of the house. DH and I could drop them back up for the train to the next town where they live/home after.

He looked at the list but didn't go for anything.

I feel so bad when i see what other folk have done for DCs 21st and I've literally organised and bought nothing.

OP posts:
StrangeAddiction · 26/06/2021 23:13

A nice watch (maybe one he could pass on to his future children)

Driving lessons

A night/weekend away with a friend

My ds1 was 21 in January, he's already had driving lessons and his test paid for his last birthday and Christmas so we bought him a Garmin Tactical watch for his 21st as he's going in the army and it can solar powered and has lots of features that will be useful when he's in the army.

Icequeen01 · 26/06/2021 23:24

We were in a similar position in December and, like your DS, ours had everything he needed and already had a car and could drive. We did give him some money but also promised him a trip to New York once the pandemic is over. He went there with his school when he was 15 and loved it but they stayed in a pretty grotty YMCA. We always promised we would take him back and stay in a nice hotel this time round. I doubt it will be this year but we will see ....

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 26/06/2021 23:24

Thank you, those are all lovely gifts, I hope your DS enjoys his entry into the army and i'm sure he'll find that very useful

We got DS a nice watch for his 18th and he's never worn it and he's had a fitbit in the past - worn briefly. He got driving lessons for his 17th and has passed his test and been driving for years now.

He honestly has no-one except us that he would go away with, no interest in events or concerts. I'm honestly at my wits end. I'd love to make it special as he has quite a (self inflicted to an extent) restricted life and I'd love to help with that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 26/06/2021 23:26

That sounds lovely @Icequeen01, i'm now wracking my brain to see if there is something similar. It's really hard to work out what he enjoys though.

OP posts:
IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 26/06/2021 23:34

Hot air balloon ride
Hire a special car for the day and drive to somewhere lovely
Trip to I.T convention
Trip to Bletchley park (where they cracked the enigma code, think it's open to the public now)
Does he have any figures he looks up to that could give you a clue (my son loves Heston Blumenthal and would love to go to his restaurant)

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 26/06/2021 23:41

thank you @IntroducingMyLadyGarden, we are in Scotland so we tend to be more limited in what is available normally and even worse at the moment but i will take a look and see if there is something. We recently did Karting when on holiday in the lake district which he seemed to enjoy so a car ride on a track might be good. I've also just seen that our local microbrewery does tours but i can't quite tell if those are face to face or still on-line yet. I might give them a call.

I have no idea what he looks up though, firstly he's an adult and secondly, I might not want to know! I've said we can either go out somewhere he'd enjoy or get a take away if he'd prefer.

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 26/06/2021 23:45

Is still get him a cake even if he insists he doesn't want one! What about an Apple Watch or AirPods if he has an iPhone.

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 26/06/2021 23:56

@JaneJeffer

Is still get him a cake even if he insists he doesn't want one! What about an Apple Watch or AirPods if he has an iPhone.
Yes, i'll still get some sort of cake but I mean those big personalised things that cost a fortune - i'd be too late to get something like that anyway. Might see if someone local could make a nice fancy sponge or even a cheesecake as he loves cheesecake.

He's an android man, I mentioned getting a samsung watch before and he didn't look interested. I might investigate how old his computer headphones are though as that might be an option if his are getting done, or maybe a new computer chair actually. We've recently redecorated his bedroom and his chair no longer "matches", i'm not sure how comfy it is anymore considering how much use it gets. He's 6'3 so maybe there is a range for taller people somewhere.

Thanks for the inspiration folks. Smile

OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 27/06/2021 09:15

I can't believe how similar our DS's sound! As I said below we also really struggled to think of something for his birthday. Like your DS ours is quite introverted although when you see him at work you would never know it. He doesn't drink so I think people then assume he won't want to go out to the pub, which is a shame.

We also re-decorated his room about a year ago and bought him a new bed and some furniture. He was having to do all his Uni work online so wanted him to have an "adult" space rather than the outgrown teenage bedroom he had. It looks great apart from his computer chair (which we bought him for Xmas the year before) which is now the totally wrong colour. I think a new computer chair sounds like a great present!

ssd · 27/06/2021 09:16

A blow up kayak !!

Bloody brilliant and gets him out.

With you .

user1493494961 · 27/06/2021 09:34

It doesn't sound as if he would enjoy meeting up with his old school friends so I wouldn't bother with that. I would take him out for dinner and plan a holiday for the three of you. Would he enjoy a flying lesson?

Keroppi · 27/06/2021 10:06

A new chair sounds like a great idea! You can spend a fair bit on them too. I would avoid the gamer looking chairs and look at Steelcase/Herman Miller/Giroflex, they are often adjustable for taller people.

Failing that, what about:

  • mechanical keyboard
  • board games
  • card games like magic the gathering
  • gaming stuff/consoles/VR
  • personalised everything and anything, whiskey glass, hip flask etc
  • buy it for life products like resoleable trainers, cookware, headphones
Benediction · 27/06/2021 10:11

My socially anxious son got an oodie for his birthday last year. I wish I had bought 2 now as he wears it the whole time at home. Seems to find it very comforting.

We got him a fish tank a few years ago. He finds it very therapeutic to watch and has to take some responsibility keeping the fish alive and the tank clean etc

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 27/06/2021 10:25

Thanks all for more ideas. He runs very warm so an Oodie is out, we got him a weighted blanket before with limited success. He has taken to petting the cat more recently so maybe he'd be more interested in things to care for.

We take him on holiday with us anyway, otherwise he wouldn't get a holiday but we also have DS2 plus girlfriend to consider so even if they didn't come, I'd feel the need to give him the equivalent in money.

I've thought of a kayak before as we live near a river and he he kayaked the length of Loch Ness for his DofE, but I wouldn't like him on the river alone and I'm not keen on water...

Sounds like there are similar young adults out there.

I also found a gin tour locally and he likes gin, so thinking we do something nice with DH at the weekend and then as his birthday is in the week and I'll be off, I could take him for lunch and do the gin tour - even though I hate gin, he likes it and I can do the drivers tour which has a mock tail instead.

I'm going to suggest the chair and headphones to him today and also maybe a driving experience and maybe pick up a few smaller personalised bits as surprises (if I can get in time). My friends daughter has a fledgling cake business so going to see if she has space just to make a fancy sponge cake.

Thanks again folks.

OP posts:
sparemonitor · 27/06/2021 10:26

Honestly? What he needs is some decent prolonged therapy for his social anxiety. I'd offer to pay for that.

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 27/06/2021 10:28

@sparemonitor

Honestly? What he needs is some decent prolonged therapy for his social anxiety. I'd offer to pay for that.
I have. He was also referred by the GP to something and they said they didn't think they could help him so after one session he refused to go and lick down hit.
OP posts:
sparemonitor · 27/06/2021 19:44

So that makes it even more important to seek help privately. You'll get more flexibility and can seek out a therapist that he gets on with. Honestly social phobia so bad he barely leaves the house needs dealing with aggressively.

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 27/06/2021 20:20

I am aware of that, I'm perfectly happy to pay and find someone but he's a grown adult and he doesn't want to so what do you think I can do about that other than keep offering? I can't make him go.

After the first lock down last summer, he met up with his friends twice, I thought we were getting somewhere but then locked down again so that was that. Then he met up with them again a month or so ago. I encouraged him to try to make arrangements to do something else but he didn't. I've offered to host for his birthday or just in general. I've offered for him to bring a friend along on holiday etc.

He is chatting to people on line which he has had bouts of not doing. He will join us for meals and to watch particular things on tv or whatever but much as I love him, i'd like him to be doing things with people other than his mum and dad.

DS2 is away at Uni and he tries to engage him and also had him up there for a weekend but he gets nowhere really, they don't not get on but they barely speak to each other.

I will have another go but honestly i don't want to end up that our relationship is about me nagging him as it's important that he feels that he can talk to us (even though he doesn't really). It's actually quite amazing (to me) that his friends from school keep in touch with him, he clearly does have stuff to offer to the group. He is actually really funny and very bright when he shows it. He had initial tests for aspergers when he was about 11 but they said any full testing would be likely to show him as borderline, mainly i think because he does have a good sense of humour. Conversation is difficult as he will either just say things like 'spose, dunno etc or just answer the question.

I can even access some online counselling for him that means he can just do a messenger chat, I thought that might be a good intro to just get him started opening up but again he won't sign up.

I know you are trying to be helpful and i really don't disagree with what you are saying but i'm not able to make him go. All this and in the meantime he's about to start year 4 of an integrated masters degree where he is scoring over 90% in everything, not being able to step in the building or engage face to face with any other students or staff hasn't helped.

OP posts:
OverByYer · 27/06/2021 20:25

My DS got given a flying lesson for his 18th and he enjoyed that.
He is going to be 21 this month and I don’t know what to get him.
He’s not too bad to buy for but men in general are hard to buy for

Redtartanshoes · 27/06/2021 20:37

Knock hill doing track days.

Eden Mill do a great gin making experience near St Andrew’s?

Nae limits at Pitlochry for white water rafting

A hammock for the garden? Ds loves his.

A kitten?

RedlightGreenlight · 27/06/2021 20:45

What about a private number plate?
It's probably too late to get it sorted but you could print a few off an he can choose his own.

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 27/06/2021 20:46

Yep, I've looked at knockhill and I've put it on the list. We have a gin thing locally so I think we'll do that on his birthday. He's done the rafting there before, he wouldn't use a hammock I don't think and incumbent cat would not like a furry friend 🙀

The plan is to get a dog when DH retires and I think DS would like that too but that's a couple of years away yet.

I'll look into flying lesson but I have to say that I'm probably the hardest to buy for, DH is the easiest, we break the stereotype on that. DS2 is pretty easy though he was harder as a child and DS1 was pretty easy, anything from the lego catalog or any tech.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 27/06/2021 20:53

He likes the cat so a second animal? Another kitten? A dog would get him out of the house even more but that's obviously a big commitment - for life not just for a birthday.

Original poster
ElephantOfRisk · 27/06/2021 20:53

I looked at private number plates but I guess he's not really been using the car. Him and DS2 share a car and we could find something that would be suitable for either but DS2 is using the car away at uni as Ds1 wasn't using it so I added him to my car (which he still doesn't use).

Thanks for all the suggestions, they are all good even if its not something suitable for my DS, I'm sure others will also find them useful.

And thank you for those links, I'll see if that is something he'd be interested in

OP posts: