Son's 21st and not a clue...

[ElephantOfRisk]

DS1 will be 21 in just over a week.

He's always hard to buy for but this seems impossible. We made more of his 18th so he knows this is a sort of special but not big ticket birthday in terms of presents. It also doesn't seem the birthday where I can buy a few bits (beer/snacks etc) and bung some money in a card.

He has terrible social anxiety and barely leaves the house except to walk round the estate for fresh air or if he comes out for dinner with DH and I.

He's studying computer science but has everything he needs for that and he got new keyboard and mouse etc for Christmas. He has a newish phone.

He's not into clothes or music or sport and has plenty of money to buy himself anything he wants anyway so I don't really want to just give money. There is no point doing balloons and cake if it's just us 3 here and it's not something i think that he'd appreciate. I've asked him what he'd like and he doesn't know.

I came up with a desperation list: toolkit, hip flask, traditional shaving gear, getting a personal trainer (bought him a gym membership but he hasn't really used it when the gym has been open), new glasses, teeth whitening, having his v small group of friends from school that he's met up with three times in the last few years but last time was only a few months ago, round for the afternoon/evening and i'd cater some food and booze and he could have the run of the back of the house. DH and I could drop them back up for the train to the next town where they live/home after.

He looked at the list but didn't go for anything.

I feel so bad when i see what other folk have done for DCs 21st and I've literally organised and bought nothing.

I think all your present ideas, a lunch, gin tour, possible gin subscription and a cake sounds like loads of nice things and most importantly things your DS feels comfortable and happy doing.

@Babysharkdoodoodood

I got mine 21 presents Can't remember them all but included 2 kg of fudge, bottle of mead, socks, T-shirt's, trackie bottoms. Nothing big ticket apart from his cbt for a moped which I'm paying for now that his provisional has finally turned up.

He loved the stack of presents

Great ideas, he doesn't mind a stack at Christmas as the attention isn't all on him, but i think it would be awkward just the two of us and therefore not that enjoyable for him

Would he be able to have a mini break somewhere with you in the uk?

I've found some nice chairs as well, a couple which would co-ordinate well with his new room so I'm going to suggest those or some top notch headphones if I can suss out when he last had them replaced.

However, he suffers from tinnitus and has unexplained hearing loss in one ear which we've now been waiting almost a year for him to see a specialist about. That's happening in a few weeks (unless they cancel again!) so maybe I'll lay off the headphones until we get a bit further in on what the issue is.

@JonathanRipples

Would he be able to have a mini break somewhere with you in the uk?

We are just back from a week in the Lakes which was lovely. We did have a couple of nights planned into Edinburgh at Easter but it was cancelled. I think we'll do that as soon as things are properly open but it would be what we'd do anyway, he's clever enough to suss out that it wouldn't really just be for him.

He likes to eat out and have nice food (but is also a bit of a fussy eater) and likes any alcohol ever invented. At home he'll just have the odd beer or cider or gin though, he's not an alcoholic, just likes everything!

Dh just said he'll book into the local pub for a pint with him on his birthday after he's finished work, I think i'll leave that for just the two of them since I'm doing the rest of the day.

So I think the plan is, presents, out for lunch, gin tour, home, out for a pint with dad, home, takeaway dinner and a movie, cake.

Main gift probably a new chair or anything else he selects. A few small bits to open, maybe alcohol related . And a nice dinner out on either weekend or if he'd prefer to wait, a big dinner out on a break away when all restrictions are gone.

Really interesting that you say he likes caring for a pet - having the experience of bonding and nurturing would be wonderful for him - a dog would be perfect - he has loads of time and walking a dog is social but safe as it all short interactions to build confidence over time ..... maybe take him on a day out to The Dogs Trust to investigate?

Or an experience with horses?

That sounds fab.

This was meant to be a year of big holidays and celebrations but that's not worked out. It was our 25th wedding anniversary, DS1s 21st, DS2s 20th (no longer a teenager) DHs 60th and i just had my 55th.

I think we will still try to have a bigger than normal holiday next year and it'll probably be one for everyone rather than just DH and I.

www.puppyyoga.com/

Do this together - how magical.

I am all for experiences rather than things / gifts.

But don’t believe in pushing out of comfort zone - but I take PP point about addressing the social anxiety at every opportunity.

I would get hold of his old school friends - they are probably quiet and introverted like him so likely would be delighted to get an invite. Don’t feel it’s intrusive to track them down via SM - we did this for our DS birthday....it’s how they communicate with each other.

I would continue to encourage and nurture those friendships. They souls like they respect him and would really boost his confidence.

You sound a little anxious about how to make him happy .... try not to let that come through - but accept where he is at socially and just nudge and support in the right direction with confidence.

You sound like a great Mum and he sounds v well supported. COVID has been so tough for many of our DCs especially the ones who could do with more social opportunities.

@Sssloou

Really interesting that you say he likes caring for a pet - having the experience of bonding and nurturing would be wonderful for him - a dog would be perfect - he has loads of time and walking a dog is social but safe as it all short interactions to build confidence over time ..... maybe take him on a day out to The Dogs Trust to investigate?

Or an experience with horses?

The cat is 14 now and until this last year he has never shown an interest in her at all. It's strange but good. I don't think this is the time for a dog but agree it might be good. DH has promised himself a dog when he stops working, in normal times the house could be empty all day so I don't think it's fair on the dog or the cat or even on DH who has put his dog on the back burner for years to get one now.

I do wonder if having a pet would help him though.

We tried to get everyone to pick a horse ride as part of our activities day on holiday but no-one was having it.

ElephantOfRisk

If your son is happy in himself doing what he is doing, then why feel the need to make him live differently?

Some people are happier with little to no physical contact with other people.

He had initial tests for aspergers when he was about 11 but they said any full testing would be likely to show him as borderline, mainly i think because he does have a good sense of humour. Conversation is difficult as he will either just say things like 'spose, dunno etc or just answer the question

Diagnostics for ASC have improved over the last 10 years, so many of the stereotypes are now known to be completely wrong. If HE feels the need to pursue a diagnosis, please support him. Some adults find it's a huge relief to explain why they feel so different to their peers.

You're a great Mum, putting so much thought into his lovely gifts. Does he react well to surprises, or would he prefer to be given a list of possibilities to choose a few from?

I hope his birthday is a roaring success!

@ElephantOfRisk, I'm not keen on water either but really enjoy getting out on the kayak, i keep near the edge!! Maybe you could try a go with him see if you'd all enjoy it. Loch Ard has a water sports outdoor bit, it looks fun. Also maybe a day out at Scotlands secret bunker, ds found it fascinating.

@BlankTimes

ElephantOfRisk

If your son is happy in himself doing what he is doing, then why feel the need to make him live differently?

Some people are happier with little to no physical contact with other people.

He had initial tests for aspergers when he was about 11 but they said any full testing would be likely to show him as borderline, mainly i think because he does have a good sense of humour. Conversation is difficult as he will either just say things like 'spose, dunno etc or just answer the question

Diagnostics for ASC have improved over the last 10 years, so many of the stereotypes are now known to be completely wrong. If HE feels the need to pursue a diagnosis, please support him. Some adults find it's a huge relief to explain why they feel so different to their peers.

You're a great Mum, putting so much thought into his lovely gifts. Does he react well to surprises, or would he prefer to be given a list of possibilities to choose a few from?

I hope his birthday is a roaring success!

It's hard to tell if he is happy to be honest. My gut is that he is not unhappy but wishes he could be a little more social. I think he is afraid of asking and them saying "no", even if that's just because they can't make it due to other commitments therefore he prefers to wait to be invited rather than feel let down. I get that, I've offered again in case anything would clash with any plans DH and I might make. He's non committal, I'm taking that as a no and carrying on.

At various points I've asked if he would like to pursue anything in terms of a diagnosis, that's also been a No as I think he feels there is nothing different about him - he might be right and it's shyness and anxiety. I honestly don't know. DS2 got a dyspraxia diagnosis at 17 so I asked him again about that time. I think it would help him with understanding himself better even going through the process but we are back to the fact that he is an adult and I can't force him and couldn't really as a teen either tbh. Maybe one day...

And thank you all for your wonderful ideas.

I've ordered him a lovely leather top quality (2nd hand) computer chair, thanks for the suggestions earlier, I've gone for a Steelcase one in a lovely blue leather that will look smart I think. It seems to be good for tall people and has loads of adjustability. I've also ordered a nice memory foam foot stool thing, a personalised glass, an Edenmill gift set, some sweeties and a case of Hard Selzer for him to try.

We just need to decide on what we are doing on the day v's what we will do at the weekend and I've not ruled out an activity but i can decide that up to the wire as I can print off a voucher and pop it in a card. He didn't look keen for the gin tour but was happy about lunch :) I have somewhere in mind for that too, relaxed enough and with decent options for him but also a bit nicer than the local pub or Nandos

I'd like another couple of small bits, maybe a new case for his phone and some savoury snacks and I need to sort cards, but feeling loads better now and also have some good ideas for DS2 for next month/his 21st next year. (and a few for Christmas maybe for DS1)

I have the same problem with my eldest who also doesn't go out, have friends, buys what he wants when he wants it, doesn't have any interests etc - even considered a Monster Trucks driving experience I was so desperate! But he hasn't used the Silverstone driving experience I got him two years ago due to Covid - I paid for it to be extended by a year and he's just let it slide . For his 21st we got him tickets to the British Grand Prix at Silverstone - he loved it. This year I got him a vibrating massage roller for post gym workouts - he probably won't use it.

Oh, and i've found someone local who does lovely sponge cakes decorated with fresh berries (which he will love) - she can do smaller sizes so it wont be wasted. I just need to confirm what day I want it. I was holding back in case he did decide to do something with friends so I'd have got the cake for that (and got a bigger one).

I don't want him to feel anxious or that he is missing out so we'll make it a bit special without making him feel too overly fussed over.

It's hard isn't it blobby? I don't want to stop him being himself and I don't need to change him, i 'd just like him to take his life by the horns a bit.

He did every activity known to man when he was a child and teen and was in the scouts until age 18, i guess i just thought he'd take more interest in being out/doing sports or activities than he does.

At least now he'll have a comfier chair to sit in while ignoring the outside world!

My son sounds just like yours - studying same course (CompSci) too! His 21st is in a month or two and we are in same position re gifts - he's not interested in clothes, rarely goes out (but does play online with v similar uni mates via Discord a fair bit). If there's any particular games he likes playing online perhaps there's some merchandise online? My other son is really into D and D and I managed to get him various things for his big birthday like a big light up NAT 20 dice etc..neither of mine drink so that makes it even harder to think of things to buy!

Games merch used to be good for gifts but I don't know what he plays anymore - he's a man of mystery. He used to listen to music on the train or in the car on his headphones and we've never been able to find out who he likes! DS2s room is full of posters and he loves his band t-hsirts etc.

No alcohol must be hard. DS2 really only likes cider but he spent first year at uni trying everything else it seems, he's settled down a bit now and lives with his GF no issues on how much he drinks, just the odd cider unless it's an occasion and he'll have a few more.

DS1 likes all alcohol but again he doesn't drink that much on a day to basis but has been really drunk once but he tells me he just wasn't feeling well and not drunk at all.... But at a weekend he'll have a couple of beers or ciders when down watching something with us and will have an occasional drink in his room when he is on-line with friends. Well i can hear voices so presume that's what he is doing.

Qwertee is good for gaming type tshirts.

How about a lava lamp for his room, or some of those lights you can put behind the monitor and the room changes colour. Ds had some of those. Also maybe a fancy gaming mouse?

How about a really good classic suit? One he can wear to job interviews, weddings etc. Sort of setting him up for adult life. Or similarly, a decent pair of smart shoes. He doesn't need to be into fashion and clothes particularly to get a lot of benefit from this. And at that age, DC still need a bit of adult input on what styles won't date, what colour best suits them etc.

@ssd

How about a lava lamp for his room, or some of those lights you can put behind the monitor and the room changes colour. Ds had some of those. Also maybe a fancy gaming mouse?

You can tell god ideas by the fact he has all those!

@Cowbells yes also a good idea but we had a wedding a couple of years ago and kitted him out then but he might have broadened out again so it's worth a thought. He also has his prom suit but it's a bit fancier. We stuck with a nice smart grey for the wedding and jazzed it up with a nice shirt and tie but it would equally look nice with a plain white shirt and a more somber tie. The thought at the time was that it was plain enough for interviews and weddings and funerals. Unfortunately it's seen more funerals than weddings.

Its hard at this age,isnt it? I think i judt gave ds1 money for his 21st, we didnt even see him. He says himself hes not bothered at all with birthdays!

I miss the days you could go into toysrus or the disney store....

Oh yes, or even just the lego catalog. Or stuff about Pokemon....

I don't think DS1 has a sense of who he is really or if he does, he's not for telling us. He did immediately react positively when i mentioned the computer chair so that was obviously a good shout.

I've also just had a thought about a triple stand for his screens which would give him more space on his desk so going to see if I can find one suitable and in budget.