Do you worry about what your DP/DH does when you’re not together?

[WildflowerWildfire]

I don’t mean cheating, I mean more like watching porn etc. I don’t know whether I’m just incredibly insecure but I can’t stand the thought of him doing this when he’s home alone or I’m at work etc. Am I crazy/controlling?

@HopeYourHighHorseBucks god the thought of watching GoT with him makes me feel ill! I’ve never watched it but I know what she looks like and can’t imagine anyone not fancying her 😅. I hope I manage to snap out of this. I’d been single for so long prior to him which helped me avoid feeling this way. I sort of prefer being single so I don’t have to deal with this stuff

So what happens if he suggests a programme or film? Do you look to see who is in it to decide if you will watch it?

@ggggrace

And I also will not watch wolf of Wall Street with him because of the Margot Robbie scene. Let's face it she's better looking than all of us. Why would I want my boyfriend fantasising about other women?! It's so "normal" in today's day and age for men to have a wondering eye and I think it's disgusting. It's not what strong, real relationships are built on in my opinion. I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy, which makes me feel worse because I feel boring and uptight. Idk

I maintain that’s not normal or healthy.

Many of us of a certain (Friends) age will have had The List conversation with our partners at some point - celebrities you can sleep with and your partner can’t get mad. It’s funny, light-hearted, doesn’t mean anything - and of course they aren’t actually going to sleep with them! Then DP (now DH) and I whiled away a hilarious evening narrowing down our 5 in the early days of our relationship.

I can assure you, we have a very healthy, mutually loving, respectful relationship that’s also filled with a lot of laughs.

Oh thats hard op, dh ex gf was like this though and ultimately it destroyed their relationship but also him too. It took a long time for us being together for him to realise that smiling and saying thanks to the woman in the co-op isn't going to turn into an all out argument.
He wasn't allowed to go to the till in case the 'attractive' girl served him. She actually got to a point where if he was at the pub she would wait outside in her car watching him leave to ensure he didn't leave with someone (we were friends during all this and I witnessed it)

Its not a healthy way to live, but the issue is not him. It's all you.

I think Tom Hardy is extremely attractive, I do not watch a film with him in and fantasise about him though, do you? Why are you jumping to think that watching a film with an attractive person in means he is going to leave/fantasise about them etc?

Those women arent your competition

He chose you. This is all about yourself worth and no matter what he does, he can't make you feel better.

So you avoid seeing women online, on TV, movies...what about real life?

What about his work colleagues? Or friends. Or what if, now, things has eased he wants to go out and an attractive woman might be in the vicinity?

@ggggrace

And I also will not watch wolf of Wall Street with him because of the Margot Robbie scene. Let's face it she's better looking than all of us. Why would I want my boyfriend fantasising about other women?! It's so "normal" in today's day and age for men to have a wondering eye and I think it's disgusting. It's not what strong, real relationships are built on in my opinion. I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy, which makes me feel worse because I feel boring and uptight. Idk

@ggggrace I honestly can’t even believe your posts 😅 How is it a woman’s fault if a man finds her attractive?! 🙄 As for not watching Wolf Of Wall Street because Margot Robbie is too attractive...personally I think that’s completely ridiculous 🤣 do you think he’s going to watch it then run off to find her?! I honestly think I’d die of laughter if DH tried to stop me watching a movie or TV show because there was an attractive man in it 🙈

Gosh I really hope this isn’t real. You can’t watch a tv program in case there is an attractive woman in it! How do you cope going out together? There’s attractive women every where, what about his work?

@waitingforwinter Christ, Margot Robbie is the reason I love that film!

I cannot imagine limiting what films or programmes I watch based on how attractive the cast is.

@FierceBarrie 🤣🤣 everyone should have “The List” 👏🏼 never know who you might bump into 🤣
We had a very similar hilarious night discussing ours 😊 and we also have a loving and respectful relationship. We just also have a lot of laughs 😊

@ggggrace

And I also will not watch wolf of Wall Street with him because of the Margot Robbie scene. Let's face it she's better looking than all of us. Why would I want my boyfriend fantasising about other women?! It's so "normal" in today's day and age for men to have a wondering eye and I think it's disgusting. It's not what strong, real relationships are built on in my opinion. I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy, which makes me feel worse because I feel boring and uptight. Idk

Wow. That’s even more disturbing than the poster who felt her partner should only wank with her,

😱

[quote waitingforwinter]@FierceBarrie 🤣🤣 everyone should have “The List” 👏🏼 never know who you might bump into 🤣
We had a very similar hilarious night discussing ours 😊 and we also have a loving and respectful relationship. We just also have a lot of laughs 😊[/quote]
If Kristen Scott Thomas back in her English Patient days had walked into the bar, I’d have totally given DH a pass!! 🤣🤣

It's so "normal" in today's day and age for men to have a wondering eye and I think it's disgusting. It's not what strong, real relationships are built on in my opinion. I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy, which makes me feel worse because I feel boring and uptight. Idk

Men have ways had wandering eyes. Women too for that matter. It was just accept more that men cheated. The odd 'indiscretion' was usually, ignored. Because divorce wasn't easy or available.

And plenty of women 'would take a lover'.

Men having second families was not rare. I know several people about my age (late 30s) who have found out their grandads had other children that no one knew about. My great grandmother had a child before she got married.

Its not different. People just talk about it more now and more willing (quite rightly) to end a relationship over it.

You are insecure, because you are angry at women for not dressing and presenting in a way that makes you feel secure in your relationship.

The misogyny is appalling.

@Nicknacky 100%!! She’s gorgeous 😍 I’d be more bothered if DH told me he didn’t find her attractive because I’d know he was lying to me 🤣
Some of the posts on this thread have honestly baffled me! I frequently point out attractive women to my DH - in films/tv etc and in real life 😳 maybe I’m in the minority 🙈🤣 not in a weird way - but if we’re out and someone serves us in a shop/restaurant or I see someone in the street or wherever and I notice how attractive they are then I’ll always comment on it (female and male!) 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just as I’d comment on it if I liked an outfit/saw a cute dog/saw something weird 😅🙈 Never once have I thought not to point it out incase DH finds them to attractive if incase he’s worries about me finding someone else attractive 🙈

Everyone can come for me etc! I don't agree 😂 I don't think it's cool for women to dress and act as sluts regardless

@waitingforwinter She’s on my laminated top five. I just need to bump into her and then H is history.

This thread has baffled me. Thankfully it’s just a few posters who are controlling and think they can police their partners thoughts, tv viewing and masturbation habits! (Although I appreciate that the op recognises that she has a problem, the others don’t!)

@FierceBarrie 🤣🤣 Id give DH a pass for some of his too (if only to watch him fail spectacularly with his terrible flirting skills 😁🤣)

@ggggrace Dress and act as sluts? I bet you also don’t “allow” you partner to wank without you being there.

I think you know the issue is with you OP. You can't stop watching tv with him in case an attractive woman pops up. That way madness lies. I've been weirdly insecure before and it's a horribly feeling, I hope you manage to resolve it.

@WildflowerWildfire

No the questioning didn’t help at all because he could very easily be lying to save my feelings. And it’s the not knowing that bothers me. I considered ending it but even if I met someone else, the same issues would arise. In the beginning of the relationship he used to follow Instagram models etc and I told him how that made me feel so he unfollowed. I looked at other male friends and even families pages to see who they follow and it’s shocking how many people follow these pages. I hate modern day society

OP I'll be honest, I think for your own good, and peace of mind you would be best to end this relationship and look to getting some therapy and working upon your issues.

The questioning, the insecurity, the controlling aspect is just not healthy. Asking him to delete social media content and such is very controlling.

Your DP will reach a stage where your control will drive him away.

Everyone can come for me etc! I don't agree 😂 I don't think it's cool for women to dress and act as sluts regardless

I don't think anyone is coming for you. I think most feel sorry for you.

The internalised misogyny is very sad. It must be really difficult, that you dislike women for simply being themselves.

No.
He tells me everything from thread to needle about his entire day when he gets home.
Reminds me of our childhood budgie who's cage was hung over the sofa and chirped and shat all the fucking time.
I learned to just ignore and phase it out.

That's a very rambling way of saying No I don't worry

[quote Nicknacky]@waitingforwinter She’s on my laminated top five. I just need to bump into her and then H is history.

This thread has baffled me. Thankfully it’s just a few posters who are controlling and think they can police their partners thoughts, tv viewing and masturbation habits! (Although I appreciate that the op recognises that she has a problem, the others don’t!)[/quote]
@Nicknacky I don’t blame you for making her a too 5 🤣 Yeah I agree - at least OP realises that she may have an issue!

@ggggrace And how should a woman act? 🤔 skirts at least knee length and high necked tops? 🙄 speak when spoken to? I think women can dress and act exactly as they please!! If my DH doesn’t have enough love for me and respect for our relationship to be physically and emotionally faithful to me then I’d be quite happy for him to bigger off with someone else anyway quite frankly! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can I just clarify that I know that the women aren’t the problem here. I’m aware that it’s my jealousy and nothing to do with how a woman looks or dresses. However, it does depress me how social media portrays women and how my daughter and other young girls will grow up thinking that this is what women look like. The influencers and the models on Instagram etc is just too much IMO.

I should end the relationship but I want to try to fight this and get help for it if possible. It helps to hear people’s views and opinions here, particularly because they’re the opposite of mine and it makes me realise that I really do need help.

I barely even think about him tbh.. usually cos one or both of us is at work...

@WildflowerWildfire

Can I just clarify that I know that the women aren’t the problem here. I’m aware that it’s my jealousy and nothing to do with how a woman looks or dresses. However, it does depress me how social media portrays women and how my daughter and other young girls will grow up thinking that this is what women look like. The influencers and the models on Instagram etc is just too much IMO.

I should end the relationship but I want to try to fight this and get help for it if possible. It helps to hear people’s views and opinions here, particularly because they’re the opposite of mine and it makes me realise that I really do need help.

How old are you OP if you don't mind me asking?

When I was in my early 20s, it used to make me feel a bit "insecure" if I thought my DH was watching porn and having a wank.

I'm 31 now, we've been together 11 years, and honestly couldn't give a fuck. Would rather him bash a quick one out to some porn so I can read my book in peace