Do you worry about what your DP/DH does when you’re not together?

[WildflowerWildfire]

I don’t mean cheating, I mean more like watching porn etc. I don’t know whether I’m just incredibly insecure but I can’t stand the thought of him doing this when he’s home alone or I’m at work etc. Am I crazy/controlling?

No. Not once have I worried about what he's up to. Sometimes I might be concerned that he's not OK, if I haven't heard from him for a while or if there's bad news from the area he's in, but I don't give any thought at all to what he's actually doing sometimes I forget to ask when he gets home

there is no denying that for some the use of pornography in a relationship can be really damaging

The use of anything in a relationship can be really damaging. Chocolate. Shipping. Soap operas. Football. Work. That doesn't mean that anyone who likes a Friday kickabout or spends a bit too much money on clothes occasionally shouldn't be allowed to. For most relationships, occasional porn use is not a problem and does not impact directly on the relationship.

I think everybody has the right to a private sexual relationship with themselves and their own body. That is normal, natural and something that belongs only to them.

I would however be bothered if I had a DP who was on Instagram following and liking pictures of models - that seems much more interactive to me and would spark jealousy - luckily I’ve found one without any social media so don’t have to be irritated. But porn is such a quick wank bank type of view and not really about how hot the woman is per se, so doesn’t spark any jealousy feelings in me

No I never worry. We need time apart

And yes there are obviously moral issues with porn, but I also wish DP would eat less meat and recycle more - both things that to me are moral issues as well. I think the OP is more concerned with the jealousy aspect than any concern about the industry in general in this case though.

Nah... I cba to worry about what he does. We have a no control philosophy in our relationship, everything is agreed by negotiation.

No I don't worry and couldn't live a life where I did. He 's much, much more likely to put on a Star Wars film or play his music more loudly than I like, than watch porn.

I would go so far as to say that he hasn't looked at porn since his teens. Please don't argue with me about this. After 35 years together I think I know him better than you. (That's to the handful of people who will pop up on here saying that all men use porn.)

@Dogoodfeelgood

I don’t worry but then again also wouldn’t mind if he was watching porn when I’m not there? If I thought hard about it I would probably assume he IS having the occasional wank - and I don’t have a problem with this.

I don't either, It'd be like a vegetarian asking a meat eater not to eat meat (morally)

Why should he be lying to you? Why isn’t he allowed to lounge around after work? This sounds suspicious and controlling.

My DH does watch porn when I'm out. We're quite open about things like that. He doesn't go running for his computer the second I step out of the door but every once in a while when the mood takes him he does. So while I'm out I spend more time thinking about whether he's done the washing up, remembered to take something out the freezer or put some washing on.

He is allowed to lounge around after work that’s not the issue in the slightest. It’s the jealousy/insecurity that’s the issue. I even hate watching movies or tv shows with him because of attractive women, so we mainly avoid them.

I have before, when I was at my lowest, depressed, anxiety through the roof after a couple of awful events and I would get in a right state about porn, talking to friends about women etc. I remember liking it to cheating and genuinely felt like he had. Anyway thankfully he didn't run for the hills because as soon as i came out of my "funk" i thought wtf, and have genuinely never thought of it again and it wouldn't bother me.

Basically, when I felt shit about myself I projected it on to him, which isn't healthy or very fair. I couldn't imagine living like that every day, mine was about a month and I still cringe now how moody I was with him

It's up to him what he does. We are both individuals and can think independently of each other.

@WildflowerWildfire you avoid watching films with attractive women in? Gosh you really have low self esteem issues! He is with you because he finds YOU attractive. And a secure women with confidence is so very attractive, someone who feels comfortable in her skin and fully trusts her partner and doesn't feel intimidated if a beautiful women passes by. Men aren't dogs (most anyway) won't run after a random woman and jeprodise their relantionship, men also value a connection with a woman, and personality and trust... believe it or not.

Yes!! Like some people are ok with their other halves watching porn. I find it horrid and massively upsetting. Seeing other women (who may be better looking than me) naked just doesn't sit right with me 😓😓

@HopeYourHighHorseBucks everything you’ve said resonates with me. I’m basically projecting my insecurities and mental health issues onto him and so he can’t do right for doing wrong. I know a lot of this is to do with how I perceive my own body and my worth. I’ve gained a lot of weight over lockdown and feel absolutely disgusting yet I can’t seem to stop binge eating.

And I also will not watch wolf of Wall Street with him because of the Margot Robbie scene. Let's face it she's better looking than all of us. Why would I want my boyfriend fantasising about other women?! It's so "normal" in today's day and age for men to have a wondering eye and I think it's disgusting. It's not what strong, real relationships are built on in my opinion. I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy, which makes me feel worse because I feel boring and uptight. Idk

I even hate watching movies or tv shows with him because of attractive women, so we mainly avoid them.

So the issue is women you perceived as attractive?

@Ladylokidoki I think it’s because I feel inferior to these attractive women and every tv show or movie you watch, or every social media site you go on is filled with perfect bodied, gorgeous women. I feel like I can’t compete and it makes me really uncomfortable to think of my partner getting off to these women and not me.

@WildflowerWildfire

He is allowed to lounge around after work that’s not the issue in the slightest. It’s the jealousy/insecurity that’s the issue. I even hate watching movies or tv shows with him because of attractive women, so we mainly avoid them.

You need to get a hold of this OP. It's not his fault you're overeating or gaining weight. It's not his fault you've been shat on in the past.

Eventually he'll tire of it. Seek some help.

@ggggrace Wow. I’m actually speechless at your post. Blaming women if your partner finds them attractive? He’s in a relationship, he’s not dead!

And it’s highly likely your partner will, at some point, think about another woman when masturbating even if it is an actress.

I’m basically projecting my insecurities and mental health issues onto him and so he can’t do right for doing wrong.

Yes I understand. Its wrong and unfair on him but like I said, I have been there. If a man acted how you (or I did) they would have been called abusive and a paranoid mess. All I know is once I sorted my own demons I realised how ridiculous I have been and can genuinely say I dont get jealous anymore, we go out separately, been on holidays etc and I dont think anything, but a few years ago when I was having my insecurities, watching GOT was a no go because I thought he fancied khaleesi

As it turns out we both do

[quote WildflowerWildfire]@Ladylokidoki I think it’s because I feel inferior to these attractive women and every tv show or movie you watch, or every social media site you go on is filled with perfect bodied, gorgeous women. I feel like I can’t compete and it makes me really uncomfortable to think of my partner getting off to these women and not me.[/quote]
I can't compete with those women either so I don't try to. I quite fancy Ryan Reynolds but if he turned up on my doorstep tomorrow I'd still choose DH. I can't imagine enjoying a relationship with anyone the same way i do with him. I will notice an attractive man but I never compare them to my DH. It doesn't make sense to assume your BF is comparing you either.

I'm not an insecure person. I'm insecure because women these days flaunt everything they've got and make themselves easy

Which in turn makes you feel like they could steal him or catch his eye, which makes you feel insecure. Still your problem and not his.

Honestly OP, I don't think this has anything to do with your partner. These are your own issues. Avoiding tv and movies is very extreme and controlling. As is not trusting him.

I know lots of people have issues with porn because of exploitation and that is fair enough but it sounds like you don't even want your partner to see another woman. What's stopping him closing his eyes and imagining an ex even while having sex with you? You can't control his thoughts!