Do you worry about what your DP/DH does when you’re not together?

[WildflowerWildfire]

I don’t mean cheating, I mean more like watching porn etc. I don’t know whether I’m just incredibly insecure but I can’t stand the thought of him doing this when he’s home alone or I’m at work etc. Am I crazy/controlling?

No the questioning didn’t help at all because he could very easily be lying to save my feelings. And it’s the not knowing that bothers me. I considered ending it but even if I met someone else, the same issues would arise. In the beginning of the relationship he used to follow Instagram models etc and I told him how that made me feel so he unfollowed. I looked at other male friends and even families pages to see who they follow and it’s shocking how many people follow these pages. I hate modern day society

OP - you’re painting a rather hilarious picture of your DP/H(?) as some sort of mastabatory inbetweener, whose life revolves around going to work, and then rushing home to spend the rest of his waking hours furiously wanking.

Do you think this is a realistic picture of the bloke?

If it is, why are you with him?

He probably does have a few more interesting things going on in his life. Doesn’t he?

In 18 years together, it’s never occurred to me to think about what DH gets up to at home while I’m not there.

Literally never crossed my mind

Even in ye olden dayes, your DP would probably have had eyes for the baker's daughter and the tavern wench. So what? That just means he's not dead. I made no secret to DH of the fact that Simon Duke of Hastings' arse was one of the principal attractions of Bridgerton. That doesn't mean I've cheated with him.

If you want someone who never finds someone else attractive, a relationship with a live human being is probably not for you. Any partner will find other people attractive sometimes.

This is your issue. Not your partner's.

It's absolutely ok for the OP not to like her partner watching porn. A few days on MN will show up dozens of threads where pornography use is causing all sorts of issues in relationships. Not to mention the wider effects on society, young people and the people involved in the making of the videos.

People are free to masturbate in the privacy of their own homes/free time but I can understand that feeling of not really wanting their partner to be knocking one out every chance they get. I'd never stop my DH or even question him, it is his body, but I do get where the OP is coming from. To me our sex life and our sexual appetites are something to be shared between us, not indulged on our own. I'm happy with that approach for me. I appreciate others are different, possibly including my own partner.

I think the OP is getting quite a hard time (no pun intended) as she hasn't sought to control her DP's behaviour and hasn't put her own fears onto him. She's just expressing them here and reflecting a bit.

Nope. I spent more time than was strictly necessary (is it every necessary?) looking at pictures of Orlando Bloom as Legolas today while alone.
Couldn’t give two hoots what DH does (well within reason obviously)

And it’s the not knowing that bothers me

But you can't ever know anything about him 100% you either have to trust him or get over it.

I looked at other male friends and even families pages to see who they follow and it’s shocking how many people follow these pages. I hate modern day society

So it isn't just about him is it? You hate that friends and family members, follow people they finds visually appealing on an app that is all about visually appealing photos?

And this makes you hate modern society.

When, exactly, do you think people in society didn't enjoy looking at people they found attractive.

When in history has voyeurism hasn't been a thing?

People have cheated for as long as there have been relationships.

I think the porn isn't your issue, as such. I think you issue is a much wider problem, with insecurity in yourself. And that the Internet, social media etc is impacting your mental health.

I don't like the idea of my partner watching porn but that's purely from an exploitation aspect.

If it was from a jealousy point of view, I wouldn't give a shit.

I’ve deleted Instagram because yes I agree it was negatively affecting my mental health. Even my cousin, who I see as a loving family man who would never cheat, follows half naked women draped over cars. I don’t see how his wife could ever be ok with that. I certainly wasn’t happy with my partner following those types of things

I hate modern day society

Images of naked women have been available since time began, if it wasn’t on line op you’d find it in another way. The issue here isn’t this stuff is accessible, it’s you’re jealous if he looks at any other women. Which I think must come from a deep seated extreme insecurity. It will ultimately end your relationship, I’m sorry. But it will. Neither of you can live like this for any length of time.

I don’t see how his wife could ever be ok with that. I certainly wasn’t happy with my partner following those types of things

But his wide isnt you. I haven't even thought of looking at who my own partner follows.

But I don't follow Sebastian Stan for the deep and meaningful content or his art skills. Or Athony Mackie or Tom Hiddleston. The fact that I follow him has no correlation to wether I would cheat or not.

My partner couldn't care less and knows that I love Mavel, partially for the good looking men and I don't get stressed at Scarlett Johanson on the screen either.

I get its an issue for you, but its not for everyone. And you are judging people, for not behaving the way you think they should, in a relationship that doesn't involve you.

I could never be poly, I don't judge people who are. Their relationship is their own.

Even if you end it with your partner, this issue will follow you. Because its not about him. Its not even about your own relationship.

@TooTiredForToday

It's absolutely ok for the OP not to like her partner watching porn. A few days on MN will show up dozens of threads where pornography use is causing all sorts of issues in relationships. Not to mention the wider effects on society, young people and the people involved in the making of the videos.

People are free to masturbate in the privacy of their own homes/free time but I can understand that feeling of not really wanting their partner to be knocking one out every chance they get. I'd never stop my DH or even question him, it is his body, but I do get where the OP is coming from. To me our sex life and our sexual appetites are something to be shared between us, not indulged on our own. I'm happy with that approach for me. I appreciate others are different, possibly including my own partner.

I think the OP is getting quite a hard time (no pun intended) as she hasn't sought to control her DP's behaviour and hasn't put her own fears onto him. She's just expressing them here and reflecting a bit.

This is a really unusual position. To feel that wanking isn’t permitted alone or should only ever be done with you, is actually deeply disturbing.

And the reason people don’t like porn on here is due to the exploitation. Not because they are jealous of the women and insecure.

Hell no, I don't give it a thought.

I think it will end my relationship eventually yes. I don’t think I’m capable of relationships with any type of man - ones who watch porn or those who apparently aren’t interested. There’ll always be something that im jealous about

This is a really unusual position. To feel that wanking isn’t permitted alone or should only ever be done with you, is actually deeply disturbing

I said that's my approach. I don't bother with anything sexual without my DH, and whilst in an ideal world I'd prefer that was reciprocated I don't police it. There's nothing disturbing about that. In nearly two decades together it's never been an issue.

And the reason people don’t like porn on here is due to the exploitation. Not because they are jealous of the women and insecure

Those are the principal reasons I object to pornography, as I thought I said, but there is no denying that for some the use of pornography in a relationship can be really damaging.

I think this thread is quite unusual tbh as there are a lot of posts from people declaring not to care at all about what their DP might be watching, who they might follow on Instagram etc. I think a lot of women do care about those things.

The go get some help. I know you can't afford help and I know its a long wait on the NHS. But go to the doctors and see about getting some sessions.

@WildflowerWildfire

I think it will end my relationship eventually yes. I don’t think I’m capable of relationships with any type of man - ones who watch porn or those who apparently aren’t interested. There’ll always be something that im jealous about

Maybe self refer for counselling, speak to a gp? It seems you suffer from extreme jealous and insecurity, as well as low self esteem.

It doesn’t matter if he watches porn, most men, and women, will masturbate, you can’t control what they think about when they do. It’s unlikely to always be you, it can be someone at work, someone off tv, a neighbour. You can’t stop them seeing attractive women, talking to them when appropriate. You just can’t stop it.

No, I never think about this. And I wouldn't care if he did watch porn. It doesn't bother me at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this thread is quite unusual tbh as there are a lot of posts from people declaring not to care at all about what their DP might be watching, who they might follow on Instagram etc. I think a lot of women do care about those things.

Maybe they do. But I don't feel for a minute that my partner would cheat. I could always be wrong. But I am as sure as I can ever be.

No-one can be 100% sure. But I don't see the point in policing what he looks at, out of fear it might lead to him cheating. If he cheats he cheats. There isn't much I can do about that.

But I won't let it ruin my relationship or life. Especially, when I am capable of fancying a celebrity and wouldn't ever cheat.

People could cheat when they go out for the evening, or with someone at work or lots of other places.

I would drive myself insane trying to ensure he didn't look at an attractive woman he work with.

If i didn't trust my dp, I wouldn't be with him and I am not going to waste head space watching everything he does, just incase.

He doesn't do this, but if he wanted to, I couldn't care less

I will look at getting counselling tomorrow. It’s ruining my life and even though at the moment I don’t let him know how much it affects me, it will only get worse if I don’t do something. I’ve ordered so many books about jealous and insecurity etc but can’t read them in front of him because I look crazy.

I worry he's going to end up in A&E generally. He is always doing something with saws and drills etc and I can't tell you the number of times I've had a call to say "I've accidentally slipped and stabbed myself with a screwdriver and now can't feel my fingers" etc etc.
I wish he'd just watch bloody porn and have a wank.
At least when I'm home I can keep an eye on him and be ready to drive him to the appropriate hospital...

@DPotter

Waitingforwinter

after the last incident last week he is banned. Frying pan had been on low gas for over 4 hours and the place stank of off oil.

And before anyone asks - he's not dementing - he's always done it. And don't even ask about lost keys / wallet etc

@DPotter 😅😅😅 oh dear!! My DH is like that with the keys/wallet etc! Thankfully no frying pans (yet 😬)

If you trust him and he's a good supportive partner, maybe you should try opening up to him about how you feel. People have insecurities about all sorts of things, for all sorts of reasons and hopefully he'll understand that. He wouldn't want your feelings to be spiraling and making you miserable, surely he'll want to support you and help you? My DH has helped me through various ups and downs over the years.

Counsellors can see you for reduced fees if you're on a low income - worth looking into.

Hope you feel better about it all. It's really not worth getting this upset about or ending an otherwise good relationship.

A lot of replies have been quite dismissive, like why would you ever care about this in a million years yay for porn cause we're so cool I don't think it is that weird or unusual for this to cross your mind, but to be so, so upset about it is not good.

I don’t worry but then again also wouldn’t mind if he was watching porn when I’m not there? If I thought hard about it I would probably assume he IS having the occasional wank - and I don’t have a problem with this.