Do you worry about what your DP/DH does when you’re not together?

[WildflowerWildfire]

I don’t mean cheating, I mean more like watching porn etc. I don’t know whether I’m just incredibly insecure but I can’t stand the thought of him doing this when he’s home alone or I’m at work etc. Am I crazy/controlling?

No. I have no trust issues.

Nope, he's mostly just watching horror films, old episodes of Jeopardy or obscure YouTube things. And occasionally porn as well. Doesn't bother me but I totally get why it could bother some people. I just don't see it as any kind of comment on our relationship or how he feels about me, it just scratches some sort of itch that I really don't get!

@Nicknacky I don’t have an issue with him wanking as such. Just not the porn use. To me, it’s equivalent to cheating. Maybe that’s extreme but it’s how I feel 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know if I'd say I worry as such, but I am aware that he will sometimes get up to things that I find slightly uncomfortable. There have been several incidents of sex toys/instructions for sex toys being left out (one memorable time when his mother was visiting and could easily have seen it if I hadn't first - still wish I hadn't 'saved' him actually).

However I recognise that either I put a boundary in place and say x,y,z isn't ok with me and ask him to respect that (probably unreasonable in this context), or I find a way to deal with what is essentially my own issue (I've gone with the latter).

@WildflowerWildfire That’s a strange answer. Why not “I don’t have a problem at all with him wanking”, you added in “as such”. It doesn’t sound like you are cool with it if you think lazing around will lead to it.

No I don’t worry about it. I think you’re a bit crazy to be honest. Unclench!

Do people think it’s normal and acceptable for porn to be used when you have a partner? Is it just one of those things we’re supposed to let slide?

@Nicknacky I suppose the thought of it makes me feel uneasy. I wish ignorance could be bliss but it really takes over my thoughts

Look, some people have an issue with porn and some don’t. No one is right or wrong in their opinion.

I think it’s normal and acceptable, others won’t.

But it sounds like you have an issue with masturbation full stop!

I know what DH does most if the time when he's not with me or at work. He sleeps. He's like a massive dormouse.

@WildflowerWildfire The thought of him wanking makes you uneasy? Why?

Personally I've never understood why women get upset If their partner watches porn now and again... It's not as if he can call her up for a date or to get his leg over.

It seems to me you have self esteem issues - you need to work on this before it erodes your relantionship. Noone wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them.

Do you have enough fun stuff going on in your life? I'm not being rude, genuine question. Sounds like maybe you're a bit overly focused on him, thinking about whether he's lounging around (hopefully he pulls his weight around the house?) and whether he wanks.

I think I instantly assume it’s a reflection on me and that he’s not satisfied with me or our sex life.

Nope. Couldn't care less!

@WildflowerWildfire It’s not at all. I do genuinely think you need to speak to someone to unpick all this as it isn’t healthy to be worrying if your partner has a wank.

Also think some of this insecurity comes down to how healthy your sex life is. Does he show you love and affection? Do you feel wanted by him? If so you should embrace that and stop trying to poke holes in everything.

@WildflowerWildfire

I think I instantly assume it’s a reflection on me and that he’s not satisfied with me or our sex life.

What if he has a wank? Honestly for men it’s like taking a shit. It’s very different to sex. It’s nothing to do with you at all. In any sense.

[quote WildflowerWildfire]@Nicknacky I meant that I find myself getting annoyed because I assume his lounging around will lead to him having a wank due to boredom or whatever[/quote]
OP in the nicest possible way I think you really need to take some time to work through this with yourself because this is not an issue with your partner it's solely your problem. It sounds like he's trying to be as understanding as possible?
It must be exhausting to spend your time worrying so much about these things when you shouldn't be giving it any head space at all.
Have you tried therapy/counselling/CBT or similar?

Also OP do you not masterbate? It's totally normal...

Tbh, if you hate porn that much you need to tell him.

But I do dislike the porn questioning, especially when people are clear on their feelings around porn.

He knows you don't like it, but not to the extent you hate it. You asked him if he watched it he may have answered honestly or played it down to not make you feel to bad. He has no way of proving it either way.

Now you are obsessing whether he told the truth or not. So the questioning didn't help you at all. You are assuming he is lying.

And its still consuming you. To the point you aren't happy if he is relaxing incase relaxing leads to him having a wank.

What of he is lounging and has a wank without porn? Would that annoy you or not?

Maybe he is just relaxing. What if having a shower leads him to having a wank? Do you not like him showering or being in the bathroom too long?

No. I'm not with whilst he is at work but when he's not we are together.

@WildflowerWildfire

Do people think it’s normal and acceptable for porn to be used when you have a partner? Is it just one of those things we’re supposed to let slide?

Do you not have a fantasy life of your own? Do you never have sexual dreams, or a cheeky wank of your own while thinking about something other than sex with your partner?

Is your partner having a wank while looking at a photo or video of you the same thing as sex with you?

I can understand those who object to porn usage on moral and feminist terms as exploitation. But no, I can't relate to people who see it as cheating. Everyone has the right to a fantasy life, and I know perfectly well from my own that it's nothing like actually cheating on a person. Agreeing that you will not have actual sexual interactions with other people in a relationship is fine. Trying to control the other person's thoughts and fantasy life - not so much.

Couldn't care less if DH watches porn, I've watched it when he isnt home, we've watched it together.

I couldn't care less what he does when I'm not home as long as he remembers to take the washing out the dryer........he rarely remembers

no.