Do you worry about what your DP/DH does when you’re not together?

[WildflowerWildfire]

I don’t mean cheating, I mean more like watching porn etc. I don’t know whether I’m just incredibly insecure but I can’t stand the thought of him doing this when he’s home alone or I’m at work etc. Am I crazy/controlling?

Why can’t he lounge about without you getting annoyed.

@ProfPickles Plenty of women will use porn, just because they don’t talk about it at the gym doesn’t mean they don’t. (I’m at the gym frequently, I’ve never heard guys talking about porn)!

I didn't think it's fair to describe OP as controlling for having fears her partner might be masturbating over other women naked UNLESS she's monitoring what he's doing and constantly having a go at him for no reason.

People have these fears for a reason and it doesn't make you automatically controlling. I just torture myself with intrusive thoughts instead, I don't attempt to look at my partners devices or anything like that. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused by my boyfriend when I was extremely young and I know my worries stem from that so to hear OP called controlling upsets me as if it's purely worries it isn't the same as actually trying to control someone

I found out after 39 years of marriage that my husband had a close female friend who he'd never mentioned to me. Platonic, he claims, but still hurt so much that he'd had this secret alternative wife.... Don't suppose it would have made any difference if I'd worried at the time, I suppose you just have to trust....

No he’s not bothered if I lounge around and I wouldn’t be happy if he had my train of thought either. I do think it’s controlling on my part but I never say anything to him about it. Obviously I asked about the porn thing and he was honest about it. I asked him how he felt if I got off watching naked men and he said he wouldn’t like it, so he said he wouldn’t watch it anymore. It’s probably a lie but I think most men lie about porn use anyway

But why are you annoyed by him lounging about?

When my partner is at home and I'm at work I'm more thinking about what house-work I'm hoping he has done 😂

It's not the fact hes masterbating that bothers you it's more the browsing the Internet to look at other woman, he could do this at work when he nips to the toilet, he could do this when out walking the dog, not just when your at work, If he's going to do it then he will. have you voiced your problems with him?

@Nicknacky I’m not bothered about him lounging around watching football etc. which I know he does a lot recently. It’s purely the porn thing for me. He doesn’t know quite how strongly I feel about this so I’m not outwardly controlling, despite my thoughts being out of control if you see what I mean?

@WildflowerWildfire But you said on page one that annoys you? I work nights, it doesn’t cross my mind at all what my H is doing and frankly, it’s not my business.

@ifoundthebread I have yes and he said he rarely uses porn and that he would stop altogether so that it doesn’t upset me. But how do I know he’s not lying? I have intrusive thoughts about him having some sort of addiction and I’ve nearly ended it a few times on the basis of what he might be doing (in my mind). I fucking hate porn

I often wonder if he has done the dishes or worry that he has left the washing out in the rain. That's about it OP.

@Nicknacky I meant that I find myself getting annoyed because I assume his lounging around will lead to him having a wank due to boredom or whatever

Yes I think it is controlling to be annoyed/upset about that. It's natural for anyone to do and it's not down to you to judge him for it. I really don't understand why it matters. Unless he is watching someone he knows in porn then I think you are being completely unreasonable.

Nope. Never crossed my mind. He's an adult and can do as he likes.

Yes , you are incredibly insecure.

And no. I don't give a shinny shite what my DP does how many wanks he wants and if he watches porn whilst doing it.

I don't control what he does with his body and he certainly won't ever control what I decide to do with mine.

@Nicknacky in the kindest way possible, just because you don't hear men talking like that isn't really relevant. My neighbour was showing me her husbands group chat to shame him and it was full of porn his friends send.
Last weekend I went out for my birthday and had to ask to move tables in the restaurant because the men were talking about how if someone cheats on their partner on a night out it stays between them.

I'm not saying because I'm hearing it a lot that it's all men, but I'm just saying because you don't hear it personally doesn't mean it isn't happening

Does the thought of him wanking bother you or is it just possible porn use?

It wouldn't t occur to me to worry what he was doing. If he were watching porn he wouldn't be hiding it from me, we are quite open about what we both need.

Porn isn't about the joined up thinking part of a man's brain, it's much more primal. So it really won't be him thinking that someone else is preferable to you. That's you thinking this. His porn thoughts will be fleeting, something that in that moment meets that need visually.

In real life he will prefer you and need that connection, the emotion, the touch the whole package. Porn is a fleeting feel good factor in much the same way that some people reach for chocolate. It's really no deeper.

Some people are addicted to chocolate, some to porn but the vast majority manage to control their urges to healthy limits.

If my husband were to hide things ok from me I'd be worried. I like that he's able to be open and share what he needs, share what he watches. I am in no way feel threatened by this.

Your ex boyfriend was quite insensitive.

I hadn't read your later comments when I posted a minute ago. The issue here is definitely on you OP. In your position I would be looking at getting some counselling to help deal with my issues around porn. It's fine to not enjoy it or want to watch it, but it is also fine for someone else to want to.

@ProfPickles Wow, that’s outrageous of your neighbour and not much to be proud of!

Maybe it’s so obvious that you are listening to peoples conversations that they are saying outrageous things to wind you up?

And I still disagree with your daft first post.

Oh, and I work mainly with men. I’m one of very few women, so trust me, I hear their chat and we aren’t shy about our conversations.

[quote WildflowerWildfire]@Nicknacky I meant that I find myself getting annoyed because I assume his lounging around will lead to him having a wank due to boredom or whatever[/quote]
So what if he does though? It's not your business.

@Nicknacky I agree I didn't like the reason my neighbour was doing it, but it doesn't change the fact his phone was full of porn sent by other married men.

The men in the restaurant were drunk and talking so loudly I could barely hear my partner speak. So it sounds like you are in massive denial if you truly believe those men decided to lie about cheating on their partners to stop me listening to their conversation because I literally didn't have a choice it was shouted so loudly.

You are sounding more and more deluded if I'm perfectly honest. Some men do act like this and speak like this about women, some don't. Your absolute denial it can happen is bizarre

@ProfPickles does your DP know how you feel about porn? Has he stopped using it?

I really want to see a counsellor about this but I can’t afford it right now

No he can do what he wants

Good god no, DH would be in the garden from dawn to dusk given a chance. Porn isn't something he is into.