Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I say something to sister in law...?

185 replies

Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:03

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 13/06/2021 23:05

Were you planning on using them again? They are skint, this might make a lot of difference to them.

xoJellybean · 13/06/2021 23:07

I would defo say something if it was me

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:08

@Purplewithred

Were you planning on using them again? They are skint, this might make a lot of difference to them.
@Purplewithred

If I’m lucky enough to have another baby, then yes I would’ve used them again.

Both myself and my DH have a good income and In a position to buy more clothes so I was happy to pass these on to SIL, but for her DC’s to wear, not for her to sell.
I think the least she could’ve done would be to ask me if I minded her selling them. 😕

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families
SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2021 23:08

Were you expecting them back? If not, if you assumed she'd wear and pass them on, then I wouldn't. Presumably they're not her style so she's selling them to use the money for something they do need

If you expected them back then I'd message and say as she's not using them and you intended to use them for next dc, you'll just take them back

Plumedenom · 13/06/2021 23:09

They may need money more than clothes right now. Either way, you have helped them out. Maybe she has kept some things back.

JaneyGotAGun · 13/06/2021 23:10

But you gave her the clothes? Unless you said don't sell them she really hasn't done anything wrong.

You said yourself they are skint with two young babies, I'd be happy if she got a bit of cash for them tbh

snowballer · 13/06/2021 23:11

They've told you directly they're struggling financially. Why would you raise this with her? Those brands of clothes sell well secondhand and this could make a difference to them.

I honestly can't fathom a reason why your being upset about something that actually (if you're honest with yourself) has no impact on you and only a positive impact on her, would make you embarrass her by bringing it up. Just give her a break and keep quiet.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:14

@JaneyGotAGun

I didn’t think I would have to tell her not to sell them. I assumed if she didn’t like the clothes she would just hand them back to me (which is what I would do)

I just think I’d rather have given them money myself than sell clothes I would’ve kept IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Jabba2020 · 13/06/2021 23:14

I would have to mention it, or if you gave them to her recently just mention that once she is done using them can she pass them back.

snowballer · 13/06/2021 23:14

Both myself and my DH have a good income and In a position to buy more clothes so I was happy to pass these on to SIL, but for her DC’s to wear, not for her to sell.*

So charity with conditions then.

3LittleDucksQuack · 13/06/2021 23:15

I think it would of been courtesy to say. 'I doubt I'd use those clothes so do you want them back or do you mind if I sell or pass on.?

I gave a friend a large baby item. And she said did I mind her passing it on which I didn't.
Likewise she gave me an item. We only used it a couple of times as didn't get in with it. So I gave her it back..

Sidesaladofchips · 13/06/2021 23:15

You've said they are struggling financially. And you aren't. Under other circumstances you could say something maybe. But with this, best to let it go. Why humiliate her like that?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/06/2021 23:15

I missed the memo completely about hanging on to clothes that were given to me when DS was a baby,I just presumed they were given as not wanted any more. We were given slings and all sorts and thank GOD we kept hold of them because when I was phoned to ask for them back I was utterly stunned. This was 20 years ago and I STILL get a panicky feeling thinking about it. Perhaps she thought the same? Personally I wouldn't give anything away that I wanted back without explicit instructions.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:17

@snowballer

Those brands of clothes sell well secondhand and this could make a difference to them.

Yes, they do! When we had a conversation about them struggling financially, SIL had gotten upset about not being able to afford to keep up with how fast her toddler needs new clothes, which is why I offered them to her.

Perhaps I should just assume they weren’t to her
taste.

I’m glad the money will help them, but I do feel like it would’ve been polite to at least tell me she was going to sell them.

OP posts:
Twistered · 13/06/2021 23:18

It probably feels a bit shit but I don't think you can say anything. You gave her them and she's had the iniative to make some cash from them when money is tight for her .

ketchuponpizza · 13/06/2021 23:19

Unless you stated that you wanted them back, I don't think you have any claim on them.

You gave them away, you gifted them to her. Once you passed them over, they are no longer your concern.

Unless, you clearly stated that it was a loan.

CausingChaos2 · 13/06/2021 23:20

If it’s upsetting you, message her and ask for them back. I do think it’s naughty to sell on without offering them back to you first.

Theworldisfullofgs · 13/06/2021 23:20

You know she's probably embarrassed, right?

You really shouldn't give a gift with strings attached.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:21

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Personally I wouldn't give anything away that I wanted back without explicit instructions.

I doubt I would’ve asked for them back, which does make me sound silly for saying I’m upset she’s sold them. 🤦🏻‍♀️

But I only gave them away in the first place as i knew she needed clothes.
If she’d said she needed money for bills or food etc, i would’ve offered to help her out with money instead.

OP posts:
SamMaxFrankieDuke · 13/06/2021 23:22

I think their financial situation is not the point. I was in the same position. The couple asked if we had anything and the sold them. The DC's mother used her works parcel arrangements to to post the DC it free.

When sharing items it is important to state if they are gifts or on loan 100 % of the time.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:23

@Theworldisfullofgs

I don’t feel as if there were “strings attached” to the gift.

I never expected them back, at the very least I would’ve just expected her to tell me was going to sell them rather than keep them.

OP posts:
Jumpingintosummer · 13/06/2021 23:26

It’s a bit sneaky to accept a bag of clothes from someone saying ‘would you like these for DS’ then sell them. If they weren’t to her taste she could have spoken up.

However they are struggling financially so on this occasion I would let it slide and if I was in a position to help I would pick up bits for the babies to help out.

xoJellybean · 13/06/2021 23:27

I don't think she's one bit embarrassed. She's blatantly selling gifted clothes on Facebook 😂 plus is she thick that she can't see OP is a member? It's obvious!

snowballer · 13/06/2021 23:28

But if you never expected them back, then they were a gift. So I don't get why you'd expect prior permission to be sought before selling them.

But - more importantly - what good outcome would realistically come from raising this with her? It'll only humiliate her and cause awkwardness between you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 23:28

They’re obviously really financially struggling.

I’d be thinking how I could help them out further without embarrassing them 🤷🏻‍♀️