Should I say something to sister in law...?

[Dandyish10]

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

@Jumpingintosummer

It’s a bit sneaky to accept a bag of clothes from someone saying ‘would you like these for DS’ then sell them. If they weren’t to her taste she could have spoken up.

However they are struggling financially so on this occasion I would let it slide and if I was in a position to help I would pick up bits for the babies to help out.

@Jumpingintosummer

Yes, this is how I feel about it.

Perhaps I won’t say anything then and as you’ve suggested, just pick bits up for them.

It's understandable if she needs the money but it doesn't make it right. Learn a lesson from this and hold onto stuff you like. Don't fall out over it.

Well I can see it’s a bit annoying but she might just be feeling desperate. I’d assume she assumed you didn’t want them back.

I think this is just a lesson learned tbh. In future don't give her the clothes, maybe just buy her cheap ones instead.

I think you're out of order. If you wanted to keep or reuse the clothes then you should've just kept them. Once you gave them to her, they were no longer yours so you don't get to set conditions.
You suggest they're struggling for money so maybe she needs that more than the clothes!

Sorry "The DC's mother used her works parcel arrangements to to post the DC it free."

The grandmother used her works post box to send items to sellers "for free" . They were pulling a fast one. At no point did they say " can to sell your stuff and keep the
Money. CFers.

Lesson learnt OP.
I understand where you’re coming from but you gifted the clothes and now they are gone.
Sell the stuff in the future yourself or gift to somebody else and ignore any “we’re so hard done by” with “hope you’ll manage to sort it soon”

@CausingChaos2

If it’s upsetting you, message her and ask for them back. I do think it’s naughty to sell on without offering them back to you first.

Please don’t do this if you know she’s sold them and can’t return them to you- it would be cruel and vindictive. I do understand why she’s done this, I think- the money she could make from selling those clothes will probably help cover vital expenses like bills and food- and may enable her to buy more, cheaper, essentials for her LOs. I can also absolutely understand why she’s done this instead of asking you for cash- 💯. The former helps her retain some dignity and control in what is otherwise a potentially degrading situation (seriously struggling financially). The latter is humiliating, no matter how generous you’d likely be, or how lovely you are (and you sound it). I’d feel happy that you gave her support, and enabled her to retain some pride / dignity- you’ve been an incredibly lovely and supportive SIL.

[quote Dandyish10]@JaneyGotAGun

I didn’t think I would have to tell her not to sell them. I assumed if she didn’t like the clothes she would just hand them back to me (which is what I would do)

I just think I’d rather have given them money myself than sell clothes I would’ve kept IYSWIM.[/quote]
Buy them all back on Facebook?

Maybe the cash is more useful than the clothes. Selling your cast offs is better for preservation of her pride than asking to borrow money.

@CoolCatTaco

I think you're out of order. If you wanted to keep or reuse the clothes then you should've just kept them. Once you gave them to her, they were no longer yours so you don't get to set conditions. You suggest they're struggling for money so maybe she needs that more than the clothes!

I do agree that they were hers, and had her DC’s worn then and she then sold them on, I wouldn’t feel the same way about it.

I think I feel this was as I only gave her the clothes on Friday and today they’re on a selling site.

I would probably feel weird about that too, but you gave them away, you know she's skint and you don't need them (for now anyway). I suppose it depends on what she's like generally? If she's genuinely struggling it makes sense that she needs money for other things more than nice toddler clothes.
There's maybe a bit of PFB sentiment in this too, which is understandable!!

You can’t ask for them back! When I had my second baby quite a few people offered me clothes and things, and one mum offered some toys but said could she have them back when I’d finished with them so I just politely said I didn’t need them as I worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep track of what was hers.
I’ve also given away loads of clothes that my parents bought my kids (they buy fancier things than I do!) and they’ve often been through 4 or 5 children in our friends group. My parents are thrilled that they’re so well used.
Asking for them back will just make her feel bad.

[quote Dandyish10]@snowballer

Those brands of clothes sell well secondhand and this could make a difference to them.

Yes, they do! When we had a conversation about them struggling financially, SIL had gotten upset about not being able to afford to keep up with how fast her toddler needs new clothes, which is why I offered them to her.

Perhaps I should just assume they weren’t to her
taste.

I’m glad the money will help them, but I do feel like it would’ve been polite to at least tell me she was going to sell them.[/quote]
Polite to you but possibly degrading to her.

You wanted rid of the clothes, she needed the money.

Surely you didn't expect her to justify/embarrass herself by effectively asking you if she's allowed to sell them?

It’s a bit sneaky to accept a bag of clothes from someone saying ‘would you like these for DS’ then sell them. If they weren’t to her taste she could have spoken up.

I agree with this. Aside from the fact that you naturally check whether the offerer wants them back when you've finished with them (although, even then, people invariably say "Pass them on" and never "Why don't you just sell them"), wouldn't it just be a tiny little co-incidence that the very 'random' items somebody has given you 'to sell' just happen to be clothes that would fit the age and sex of child you happen to have - when you've already told them you're struggling to buy things you obviously need?

You gave them to her therefore they are now her property to do with as she pleases. She needs the money so that's that.

They might be being sold to pay a bill, clothes are much cheaper in primary. She can probably sell your labelled. Loathes, put some food on table and buy some supermarket clothes with the change.

It’s not that she doesn’t like them or that they’re not to her taste. They’re hard up. They can flog this posh branded stuff and replace with cheaper but still decent and make a bit of extra money to go towards their living expenses.

I don’t like this thread. It feels a bit ‘lady bountiful judging the poor relations’.

I don’t like this thread. It feels a bit ‘lady bountiful judging the poor relations’

OMG thank you for putting it into words, that's exactly how I see it too.

The OP seems to be offended that her 'personal taste' has been called into question, rather than the fact she basically wanted shot of the stuff clogging up her wardrobe.

If she wanted them back she should've made it clear the clothes were 'on loan'.

I've seen so many 'lady bountiful' type post on MN over the years regarding kid's clothing and it always makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yet in all my life, I've never seen this sort of attitude from men. Generally speaking if they want to get shot of anything clogging up their wardrobe/garage/shed they just give it away without a thought.

If she had asked you if she could sell them what would you have said?

I feel like I’m with you OP.
I wouldn’t like it if I seen a bag of clothes I had given to a friend/relative being sold instantly.

Like you I would have expected the dc to wear it first or offer to return. I’ve been gifted an awful lot of clothes in excellent condition and brand names, I can’t afford a lot of things at the moment and have never thought of selling them as they were gifted to me for my children to use.

But then I see I’m in the minority here!

I think in these situations, everyone just has to be clear.

A friend of mine used to pass on HUGE bags of stuff to me when our respective dds were small, including lots of posh brands I wouldn't have bought myself.

I regularly pointed out that she could alternatively ebay them & make quite a few quid (she didn't want to be bothered), but if she was passing them on to me, I'd be cherry picking then charity shopping anything we couldn't use. If she'd been unhappy with me disposing of her hand me downs as I chose, I would just have declined the offer of the clothes.

I handed down tons myself, to other friends, & honestly wouldn't have minded what they did with it. I was motivated by clearing out stuff I didn't need, couldn't be bothered to sell, & sometimes was aware it would help out a skint mate.

You need to specify if it's a loan, because that's different entirely.If you expect the person you are handing down to return anything they won't use, fine, but make it clear.

If you intend it as a gift, ultimately, if you've given it away, it is theirs to do what they like with?

Can you not feel happy that you were able to help them in a way that preserves their dignity?

Perhaps she is keeping some, selling the excess?

Honestly, just keep quiet about it.

I remember being gifted a conservatory set ( of furniture). We used it for awhile, and then sold them. Normally I would have given it away but money was tight.
One of ex DH's friends thought we were being grabby. Meanwhile, they probably had triple our income, no kids...
I still think he was a judgemental twat for mentioning it.

I doubt this was about taste, I suspect mostly she just saw them as hers to do with as she wanted - and maybe someone else has given her some? .

I did have a principle of never selling on anything I was given, but then I wasn't in desperate need of cash.

I wouldn't say anything in your situation - at most maybe mention wanting them back potentially and she might stop selling them.

PS- friend hadn't given us the furniture 😊