Should I say something to sister in law...?

[Dandyish10]

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

Why do you think she sold them?

Be honest, I think you know.

They’re in financial difficulty and they really need the money.

Would you really rather they struggled?

[quote Dandyish10]@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Personally I wouldn't give anything away that I wanted back without explicit instructions.

I doubt I would’ve asked for them back, which does make me sound silly for saying I’m upset she’s sold them. 🤦🏻‍♀️

But I only gave them away in the first place as i knew she needed clothes.
If she’d said she needed money for bills or food etc, i would’ve offered to help her out with money instead.[/quote]
@Dandyish10 maybe the last sentence in this post is exactly why she is selling the clothes she doesn't want to keep? Because they know if you knew that they needed money more for bills or food than clothes, you would offer and they could be too proud for that?

A lesson to be learned here is never lend/give something you want back.

I am currently going through DD's clothes to pass on to a friend and will only give items I don't want back (whether they get covered in a poo explosion, given away or sold on).
I am lending her bigger items (next2me for example) and we have had a clear conversation about her lending it and giving back once they are finished

Yes I get why you’re bothered by this, and I suspect so do others who are being deliberately obtuse. It feels under hand to do as she has done. A bit of a con.

They possibly need the money very badly and she can sell them, buy other clothes cheaper and also still have cash left over.

They possibly need the money very badly and she can sell them, buy other clothes cheaper and also still have cash left over.

that's what I thought. They might not want accept money from you but accepting the clothes makes them feel less embarrassed

You gave her the clothes.

They're now hers.

Hers to do with as she wants.

Do you always put conditions on your charity?

And you knew so was struggling financially so, as you say earlier on, you would have given her cash. Why didn't you?

I think you just sound a bit petty.

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

And you knew so was struggling financially so, as you say earlier on, you would have given her cash. Why didn't you?

I think you just sound a bit petty.

Because she specifically said clothes were the thing they needed.

I agree OP. She's a cheeky fucker. I'd reply to the post (privately of course) and say if you don't want them we'll have them back please as we weren't having a clear out, we were doing you a favour and still love those clothes.

I think that’s very cheeky. I always go by the rule that if something was passed to you free of charge, then you pass it on the same.

Also, just seen you gave her the clothes on Friday!. I would definantly say something. Maybe send her a text saying “ Saw you were selling the clothes. Sorry they were not to your taste. Please could you return them to me so we could store them for any future offspring we may have”.

I agree, if they had been used,and sold in a years time, fair enough. But to sell them so quickly is wrong.

In this situation you cant win tbh. If you say something then she can say quite rightly "you gave them, I can do what I like with them", if you dont then it may keep niggling at you. But at least she is putting in the effort to sell them, and try and get some money I suppose.

I think I would have to say something like "I see you are selling some of those clothes, I hope you got a good price for them!"

@LittleRa

She might be able to sell the “Joules, JoJo, GAP” clothes and sort that money buy more supermarket or pound shop kids clothes- so sell one Joules top and buy 3 supermarket t-shirts.

Just looked at Vinted. The average price for Boden etc seems to be around £3 per top ( range £1-5). Supermarket T-shirt’s are probably that price each?

I can’t believe that people think it’s actually perfectly acceptable to say that you need more clothes for your child but can’t afford them, accept the offer of clothes from a family member and then sell them on. It really isn’t.

I would never do anything for her again, and that would include never giving presents for birthdays and Christmas because my thinking would be that she’d probably sell them.

Incidentally, is there a reason why neither of them work?

You gave her the clothes.

They're now hers.

Hers to do with as she wants.

Do you always put conditions on your charity?

So, if we're referring to it as charity, how would you feel if you donated to CRUK (maybe in memory of a loved one) and they handed the cash straight to the RSPCA?

I can't believe the hard time OP is getting: she had some age-appropriate clothes that they could USE for their child, when they'd expressed a specific need for clothes, and they decided to sell them for money. They quite probably had other old stuff around the house that they no longer needed/wanted, that they could have sold for a bit of cash, but instead, they specifically chose to sell the goods they had been loaned (in the absence of having confirmed that they weren't wanted back afterwards), that they did need.

I'd be interested to hear if the people saying 'their property now, theirs to sell' would react the same if a homeless (or homeless-presenting) person told you how very hungry they were, you gave them a tenner and told them to get themselves a good meal, and then they promptly went and spent the lot on booze? I'm not asking if you might have been naive to give it; just if you believe the homeless person expressing a desperate need for food was morally justified to go and get a couple of 6-packs instead?

I think it's also potentially a red flag that, when they're having to economise very carefully, they decide to sell clothes that their child needs (whether or not they were actually theirs to sell) to raise funds rather than any of their own luxuries. As a PP said, prices for second-hand smart brands are probably only equivalent to new like-for-like supermarket prices.

I am most definitely NOT saying that it's all or the majority of poor families where the parents do it, but we all know of some people who will make sure that they are fed, they have their fags and other luxuries and, only then, see if there are any scraps left to feed and clothe the kids.

Those people saying maybe she’s selling posh clothes to buy cheaper, have you looked at the price of Boden/JoJo tops on FB marketplace lately? You’d literally be replacing like with like if you sold second hand to buy new from Asda eg., it's not like JoJo tops have a great second hand retail value! I seriously doubt SiL is selling, buying new and making a profit on top.

OP I’m with you, it's bloody cheeky to collect a bag of clothes on Friday and flog them on Sunday & I’d be really indignant in your shoes. You’ll know better next time not to trust SiL's word. I wouldn't bother saying anything to her, though.

I can see why it’s irritating to see them sold immediately when she specifically said she needed the actual clothes, but I think lesson learned OP that if you give things to people you should be really clear that it’s actually a loan and you want them back if they’re not suitable.

Saying something now is too late and will cause a fall out, and be embarrassing for SIL when they’re clearly struggling financially, I think you’ve missed the opportunity to have been clearer when you gave them the clothes.

I’m with you, I’d have been annoyed and would call her out on it.

Many years ago now I gifted a friend a very expensive soap hamper type thing with all sorts of bits in it. About six months later she started selling the items one by one, I did message her about it. She didn’t have money worries either, no idea why she sold it all on.

@HeddaGarbled

It’s not that she doesn’t like them or that they’re not to her taste. They’re hard up. They can flog this posh branded stuff and replace with cheaper but still decent and make a bit of extra money to go towards their living expenses.

I don’t like this thread. It feels a bit ‘lady bountiful judging the poor relations’.

This

I'd be interested to hear if the people saying 'their property now, theirs to sell' would react the same if a homeless (or homeless-presenting) person told you how very hungry they were, you gave them a tenner and told them to get themselves a good meal, and then they promptly went and spent the lot on booze? I'm not asking if you might have been naive to give it; just if you believe the homeless person expressing a desperate need for food was morally justified to go and get a couple of 6-packs instead? Oh they absolutely would. I’ve seen threads about homeless people where the virtue signallers are out in force saying how it’s degrading to a homeless person to give food instead of money and so what if they spend it on booze or even the last hit which kills them.

All this talk of how the poor SIL is so poor but doesn’t feel she can ask for money but is selling the only thing she’s been given is pure virtue signalling.

As I said upthread, based on the assumption that she sells everything she’s given, I wouldn’t be giving her or her kids Christmas or birthday presents in the future. I would probably open a small account for the kids and put money into it for them every year, but there’s no way she’d be getting her hands on any of it.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

You gave her the clothes.

They're now hers.

Hers to do with as she wants.

Do you always put conditions on your charity?

So, if we're referring to it as charity, how would you feel if you donated to CRUK (maybe in memory of a loved one) and they handed the cash straight to the RSPCA?

I can't believe the hard time OP is getting: she had some age-appropriate clothes that they could USE for their child, when they'd expressed a specific need for clothes, and they decided to sell them for money. They quite probably had other old stuff around the house that they no longer needed/wanted, that they could have sold for a bit of cash, but instead, they specifically chose to sell the goods they had been loaned (in the absence of having confirmed that they weren't wanted back afterwards), that they did need.

I'd be interested to hear if the people saying 'their property now, theirs to sell' would react the same if a homeless (or homeless-presenting) person told you how very hungry they were, you gave them a tenner and told them to get themselves a good meal, and then they promptly went and spent the lot on booze? I'm not asking if you might have been naive to give it; just if you believe the homeless person expressing a desperate need for food was morally justified to go and get a couple of 6-packs instead?

Not the same thing at all! In your example CRUK end up with nothing! Whereas the op’s sil ended up with some cash she probably needed.

You don't sell things that you've been given before you've established whether they need to be given back or not

@AlternativePerspective

I'd be interested to hear if the people saying 'their property now, theirs to sell' would react the same if a homeless (or homeless-presenting) person told you how very hungry they were, you gave them a tenner and told them to get themselves a good meal, and then they promptly went and spent the lot on booze? I'm not asking if you might have been naive to give it; just if you believe the homeless person expressing a desperate need for food was morally justified to go and get a couple of 6-packs instead? Oh they absolutely would. I’ve seen threads about homeless people where the virtue signallers are out in force saying how it’s degrading to a homeless person to give food instead of money and so what if they spend it on booze or even the last hit which kills them.

All this talk of how the poor SIL is so poor but doesn’t feel she can ask for money but is selling the only thing she’s been given is pure virtue signalling.

As I said upthread, based on the assumption that she sells everything she’s given, I wouldn’t be giving her or her kids Christmas or birthday presents in the future. I would probably open a small account for the kids and put money into it for them every year, but there’s no way she’d be getting her hands on any of it.

I don’t think it is virtue signalling at all. I get why the op felt a bit put out and I would too. But when we really think about it, someone selling a gift we’d given them, is upsetting mostly because our own feelings are hurt about our own taste or gift giving abilities. I do believe it’s more about that than anything. I’ve been given plenty of gifts that I haven’t liked, most people have. I would normally give them to a charity shop but I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong in selling them, you have still benefited from the gift, which is what an altruistic gift giver would want, surely?

OP , i can understand that you are surprised that she has sold them when in your mind the clothes would have been a useful gift of themselves. Many people would think selling a gift is shabby eg I give away unwanted / no longer needed gifts and expected the DCs to when they were at home. I am in the lucky position to be able to afford to make those choices. I am sure your SIL is grateful for the gift and she is making use of it. You have helped her.

I can understand why you are annoyed tbh but there are lots of reasons they may be selling the clothes. It may be they have bills that are due imminently, its a lot easier to talk about kids outgrowing clothes in conversation than the fact you can't afford the MOT etc. I don't think there is going to be any benefit to anyone by you talking to them about it.

@AlternativePerspective

I can’t believe that people think it’s actually perfectly acceptable to say that you need more clothes for your child but can’t afford them, accept the offer of clothes from a family member and then sell them on. It really isn’t.

I would never do anything for her again, and that would include never giving presents for birthdays and Christmas because my thinking would be that she’d probably sell them.

Incidentally, is there a reason why neither of them work?

Incidentally, is there a reason why neither of them work?

The answer to this is literally in the first two lines of the very first post of the thread.

I can't get over how judgmental so many posters are being.

You'd never give them another present ever again? Come off it.

Yanbu. I've had the same happen to me and she even had the cheek to say if I had anything else I wanted to get rid of, to send it her way