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Original poster

Should I say something to sister in law...?

185 replies

Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:03

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

OP posts:
SuperstoreFan · 15/06/2021 15:50

It is incredibly cheeky but I don't think that you can say anything without looking like the bigger arse, I just wouldn't give her anything for the baby in future.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/06/2021 17:48

If you give something to a person because you want rid/CBA to dispose of the item yourself, then of course you don't have a right to complain about what the recipient does with it. Same as presents really. It's hurtful if a person gets rid of something you bought them, but it's their property and their choice. But that isn't what happened here - the OP only gave the clothes in the first place because SIL said her child needed them. They weren't sil's to sell, since they were given for specific purpose. SIL has cheated the OP out of something that she could have used or sold herself. She tried to do a good thing for the kids and SIL has shamelessly exploited her generosity.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2021 18:09

I can’t get on board with the references to charities and what they would do. The sil isn’t a charity and would not likely want to be seen as one, and the op is not in charge of what sil can do with things she has been given! I really don’t think I would want to be helped by someone who wanted to control what I did with that help. It goes completely against the spirit of helping someone.

As I said before, i just can’t and won’t get worked up about what the sil did!

Fair enough - I wasn't the first to describe this scenario as a charity case, but point taken.

I still don't see it as controlling or dictatorial, though. Suppose you invited a few friends to come to a restaurant with you for your birthday - no need to book, just turn up - and, because you know the owner, they've given you a £20 voucher for the place to give to each of your friends. How would you feel if one of your friends turned up, took the voucher from you and then said they would use it another time when they came there with other friends, before leaving? I think that's a comparable analogy. Would you feel a bit aggrieved or would you think it fine, as you gave them the voucher and they were perfectly at liberty to use it with their preferred friends?

I suppose another analogy might be if you had somebody staying with you and you told them to help themselves to meals and snacks - but then, just before leaving, they helped themselves to a big bag full of groceries to take home with them. Would you think they were only doing what you had invited them to do, or would you think it wasn't really in the spirit of what you clearly meant?

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Whosaidit · 15/06/2021 18:12

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I can’t get on board with the references to charities and what they would do. The sil isn’t a charity and would not likely want to be seen as one, and the op is not in charge of what sil can do with things she has been given! I really don’t think I would want to be helped by someone who wanted to control what I did with that help. It goes completely against the spirit of helping someone.

As I said before, i just can’t and won’t get worked up about what the sil did!

Fair enough - I wasn't the first to describe this scenario as a charity case, but point taken.

I still don't see it as controlling or dictatorial, though. Suppose you invited a few friends to come to a restaurant with you for your birthday - no need to book, just turn up - and, because you know the owner, they've given you a £20 voucher for the place to give to each of your friends. How would you feel if one of your friends turned up, took the voucher from you and then said they would use it another time when they came there with other friends, before leaving? I think that's a comparable analogy. Would you feel a bit aggrieved or would you think it fine, as you gave them the voucher and they were perfectly at liberty to use it with their preferred friends?

I suppose another analogy might be if you had somebody staying with you and you told them to help themselves to meals and snacks - but then, just before leaving, they helped themselves to a big bag full of groceries to take home with them. Would you think they were only doing what you had invited them to do, or would you think it wasn't really in the spirit of what you clearly meant?

I’m afraid I just don’t get that any of the analogies mentioned in this thread are comparable, or for that matter, required. We don’t need an analogy, we’ve been told what happened and I’ve made up my mind based on that, which is that I find the whole thing a bit “meh” and I find a lot of what’s been said, v dramatic and over the top.
Whosaidit · 15/06/2021 18:14

And how is walking out of a birthday dinner without staying for the meal, comparable to this??

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/06/2021 18:26

I suppose it's comparable in the sense that the sil sold the clothes without using them for the intended purpose

Whosaidit · 15/06/2021 18:29

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I suppose it's comparable in the sense that the sil sold the clothes without using them for the intended purpose
Oh come on, walking out of a birthday meal is a completely different thing. You must see that. This thread is bonkers.
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/06/2021 18:35

I think it's like giving them money to pay the gas bill and finding out they spent it on a night out instead.

Whosaidit · 15/06/2021 18:37

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think it's like giving them money to pay the gas bill and finding out they spent it on a night out instead.
Ffs how??? We have no idea what the woman spent the money on. She might have bought baby formula or paid the gas bill. Both of these are worthy enough?? How the fuck is it like spending money on a night out? There’s really no reasoning with some people. I’m not bothering anymore. Bonkers bonkers bonkers
Volcanoexplorer · 15/06/2021 19:02

I do find this really cheeky to be honest. I appreciate they’re struggling, but think she should have checked with you first.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2021 20:29

OK, Whosaidit, never mind analogies, then. You do keep saying about how you can't be bothered with this any more and then persisting, though....

And how is walking out of a birthday dinner without staying for the meal, comparable to this??

Just for the record, if you read the scenario I suggested, it would be a case of:

"Hey, folks, do you fancy joining me at XXX restaurant? It's my birthday, so I'm going along for a meal this evening. If you want to come, just turn up - Joe who owns it is my cousin, and he's kindly told me he'll give a £20 voucher to any of my friends, as it's a special occasion!"

'Friend' turns up and says "I'm not stopping, as I'm not really interested in hanging out with you; but I came to pick up my voucher - can you get it from Joe for me, then I'll come back next weekend with my friends."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2021 20:30

Ffs how??? We have no idea what the woman spent the money on. She might have bought baby formula or paid the gas bill. Both of these are worthy enough?? How the fuck is it like spending money on a night out?

Very true, we have no idea. She also could have spent it on booze, cigarettes, a new outfit for her, anything. Indeed, we have no idea....

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 15/06/2021 20:43

That's really bad karma! When she's finished with them she should either give them back to you, pass them on or take them to the charity shop. But selling them in bloody cheeky, she is cashing in on your kindness!

tony68 · 15/06/2021 21:23

That money was just resting in my account lol
I think this is cheeky af, I've been broke broke and I've been gifted things that were not to my taste... I have never sold them on and I would never, friend gave me her beloved only child's baby clothes, I have made use of what I can and kept the rest in pristine condition until I can message her and ask her what she wants me to do with them, she's very eco and would probably encourage me to donate them on and so I will. I'd leave a comment on the ads if you can... "this looks familiar!"

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 16/06/2021 06:25

Bizarre and irrelevant analogies

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/06/2021 07:31

Bizarre and irrelevant analogies

Do you have any actual contribution to make to the discussion yourself?

BaronessOfTheNorth · 16/06/2021 07:36

When I get hand me downs, they all get passed on again or go to charity.

I wouldn't think to pass back to the person who gave us them?When I pass clothes on it's usually selfishly so I have more space in the house...!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/06/2021 08:11

Maybe a better analogy is if your mum offered you money towards a deposit for a house, which you accepted. You then buy a car with that money. The car is useful - you need it. But your mum would still have a right to be pissed off with you because she gave you money for a specific purpose. She might not have given it if you'd told her you were going to buy a car with it.

JingsMahBucket · 16/06/2021 08:39

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously and @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll just stop with the analogies already. The people you’re arguing with don't want to understand you or just won’t agree with you ever. There’s no point wasting your energy. :)

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 16/06/2021 09:13

That's the joy of MN though Jings. It's a distraction from all the things I'm supposed to be doing today!

Idonotwantitthanks · 16/06/2021 09:14

These analogies are weird. We’ve even had a poster saying that some people who use food banks only do so to afford a dress for a night out.
It’s so bizarre.
I’m old enough now to have realised that when you hear one side of a story, that’s exactly what it is, and in most cases, the other side of that same story will be very different. I’m often shocked by how many people in here don’t see that. We know the
Op’s point of view but not the sil’s. All
We know about her is that she doesn’t have much money. But still, without her side of the story, people have used terms like fraud, obtaining money or items by deception, saying it’s like taking money for the gas bill then spending it on a night out. It’s all quite strange and a bit sad that people can come
To such strong conclusions by only hearing one side of the story.

JingsMahBucket · 16/06/2021 09:17

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I totally hear you! 😂

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 16/06/2021 09:32

@@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll already did sweetie. 💋

Sceptre86 · 16/06/2021 09:58

Yanbu and I too think she was cheeky however you shouldn't have given stuff away that you would have wanted to reuse. My sil offered me some of her ds's clothes on the condition that she wanted them back when done. I thanked her for the offer but with 2 under 2 had enough on my plate without trying to keep track of what she wanted to give to me and returning it so I declined. If you wanted the clothes back you should have said so, she isn't a mindreader.

Fromneverland · 16/06/2021 10:13

I’ve been in this position in my life at one point. Skint and handed things like that. When you are really struggling for basics-a bag of designer clothes equals cash for your purse to buy food and pay bills. And wearing and dressing your child in those branded clothes means nothing to you at the time.
You didn’t want them or need them. You gave them to her. They become hers.
If she needed the money more than the clothes- then I’d say don’t hand over charity if it comes with conditions , and be greatful you can dress your child in those clothes AND afford to eat and pay bills. And leave it be.