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Original poster

Should I say something to sister in law...?

185 replies

Dandyish10 · 13/06/2021 23:03

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/06/2021 01:19

@snowballer

But if you never expected them back, then they were a gift. So I don't get why you'd expect prior permission to be sought before selling them.

But - more importantly - what good outcome would realistically come from raising this with her? It'll only humiliate her and cause awkwardness between you.

This^ Why publicly expose how broke they are?
FictionalCharacter · 14/06/2021 01:22

If you give someone a gift it’s theirs and you can’t dictate what they do with it.

Maggiesfarm · 14/06/2021 02:40

They aren't working and already told you they are struggling financially. If they have a few more quid now as a result of your children's clothes, good on them. It's a tough world and every little helps.

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CorianderBee · 14/06/2021 02:50

Money is more useful if they're struggling with rent/bills

PerciphonePuma · 14/06/2021 03:18

I disagree with the majority here. On my local Facebook selling site, if anyone is caught selling anything that has been given to them for free, they're banned instantly and named & shamed locally. It's immoral.

It's ok everyone on here pretending to not know why the problem is and saying that well, technically it's her property so technically she can do what she likes with them - it's morally wrong and downright cheeky!

OP could've given those clothes to someone in such a need for them that they'd use (& appreciate) it all, whether it was to they're taste or not! Such as women's aid refuges where
often they've arrived there with nothing.

Please say something to her OP

LittleRa · 14/06/2021 04:33

She might be able to sell the “Joules, JoJo, GAP” clothes and sort that money buy more supermarket or pound shop kids clothes- so sell one Joules top and buy 3 supermarket t-shirts.

AlternativePerspective · 14/06/2021 05:15

I also disagree with the majority here. She has a bloody nerve.

Tlollj · 14/06/2021 05:31

I was with your sil until you said they haven’t even been worn by her dc. They were put up for sale in a matter of days! I think that’s cheeky tbh.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 14/06/2021 05:42

This exact thing has happened to me just today. I know the person in question has had their income Covid affected. I was a bit taken aback to see her selling the things, HOWEVER, if she can be bothered to go to the hassle of selling on Facebook groups, good on her. I could have done that just as easily as given them to her, so it’s fair enough for her to do what she wants.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 14/06/2021 05:46

I think it’s important to define these things as a loan or a gift. If it’s a gift, they can do as they like! My friend has loaned me baby things - I know she wants them back.

Peoniesandpeaches · 14/06/2021 06:08

Only on mumsnet do you have people saying it isn’t cheeky to essentially solicit clothes from your family member then go behind their back and sell them on not 2 days later on Facebook. All the people saying she may have found it too humiliating to say she was struggling are missing the fact she told the OP about her financial difficulties already. In fact it seems like she would otherwise have kept the clothes in case she had more children.

Peoniesandpeaches · 14/06/2021 06:09

Oops missed a word it should read that it seems likely the op would otherwise have kept the clothes so it’s not like they were clothes she was otherwise planning on putting to charity

drpet49 · 14/06/2021 06:29

* It’s a bit sneaky to accept a bag of clothes from someone saying ‘would you like these for DS’ then sell them. If they weren’t to her taste she could have spoken up.*

^This. Your SIL knew what she was doing. I wouldn’t offer any help in the future.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 14/06/2021 06:56

The OP seems to be offended that her 'personal taste' has been called into question, rather than the fact she basically wanted shot of the stuff clogging up her wardrobe.

@WorraLiberty

I think perhaps you’re missing my point a little here....

I’m not offended my SIL maybe didn’t like the clothes nor were the clothes “clogging up my wardrobe”

We’d had B&SIL over for dinner, we’d got talking about things and SIL had said how her toddler was in need of some new clothes and she was finding it expensive on their limited income.

When they left I spoke to DH and suggested I offer them some of the clothes we had stored away (stored as in they would’ve been used again if we’re lucky enough to have a second)

I tested SIL asking if she’d like them for her DC to wear and she said yes.

I dropped them off on Friday and on Sunday they were on a selling site!

It’s not as if she’s had them for months, she’s sold them straight on
I wasn’t looking to get rid of the clothes, I did so to help her out when she said she needed new ones.

I just think the most politest thing to do would’ve been to tell me she was selling them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandyish10 · 14/06/2021 06:56

texted * - not tested

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 14/06/2021 06:59

I think it's cheeky op, but not much you can do really as technically they are hers now.

I would be liking the posts though- so she knows you know. Slightly passive aggressive but nevermind. Or you could text her and ask her how the clothes are? See what she says!

kayakingmum · 14/06/2021 07:02

Definitely do not say anything.
They clearly need the money more than the fancy clothes. In her position it makes sense to sell the clothes and get other clothes for the baby. She probably didn't sell them because she didn't like them - just she needed the money more. You have still helped her - and whoever is now wearing the clothes.

ChatterMonkey · 14/06/2021 07:07

Once youve given someone a gift, it becomes theirs, and theirs to do with what they want.

I imagine she went through the stuff, kept a couple of things for herself, and knew the value of the stuff left would go a lot further to them as the money rather than the clothes.

This decision to sell is none of your business, the clothes are theirs now.

If you are so attached to any of the items that its created this reaction to them being sold, then you shouldn't have given them to someone else.

littleredberries · 14/06/2021 07:11

Absolutely say something

thegcatsmother · 14/06/2021 07:11

No good deed goes unpunished OP. I would feel much the same as you. You now know not to offer anything else.

Original poster
Dandyish10 · 14/06/2021 07:15

@ChatterMonkey

If you are so attached to any of the items that its created this reaction to them being sold, then you shouldn't have given them to someone else.

It really has nothing to do with attachment and I do think people just aren’t really understanding the point I’ve tried to put across.

If I’d had a huge clear out of clothes and she sold them I wouldn’t mind. I was getting rid anyway.

But I only gave her the clothes as I knew she needed some, she’d told me this.
Not that she needed cash for bills / food, it she specifically said clothes.

Within 2 days of me giving them to her, she sold them.

I understand the whole “once you’ve given them away they are theirs” and I do agree.

But for someone to sell clothes so shortly after being given them, especially when they were only given them as the were struggling for clothes, not because I was having a clear out, is in my opinion, a little cheeky.

I guess is a lesson learned and I’ll know not to give her anything again unless I really am looking to give them away in the first place.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 14/06/2021 07:24

I would have been upset too. You should tell her.

Starryskiesinthesky · 14/06/2021 07:28

Yes I’m with you OP. It was a cheek to say she needed clothes and then to sell them straight away. I wouldn’t say anything though - I just wouldn’t give anything else. Or if I did I would lend something and say I want it back.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/06/2021 07:30

I wouldn’t like it if I seen a bag of clothes I had given to a friend/relative being sold instantly.

Like you I would have expected the dc to wear it first or offer to return. I’ve been gifted an awful lot of clothes in excellent condition and brand names, I can’t afford a lot of things at the moment and have never thought of selling them as they were gifted to me for my children to use.

My thoughts too. I get that they're hard up, but this just reminds me of that episode of Father Ted where he's being given an award and he asks several times, non-subtly, if there's a 'cash alternative'. Obviously, OP didn't 'award' the clothes to them, but I think the principle is the same: normally, you only sell things when either you have bought them yourself or when a considerable amount of time has passed since you were given them and they were an actual present for an event such as your birthday or Christmas (when you'd expect that you probably gave them something in return), the clear suggestion being that you did appreciate and get good use from the item, which was given 'indulgently' and specifically to make you happy, and now you've had your use from it, you continue to benefit by swapping it for its monetary value. When something is given to you as a favour - ostensibly because you really need that specific item - it just seems really off to sell it immediately.

This brings to mind a thread from some time ago, where the OP had a less well-off colleague (I think) who didn't have a car, because she couldn't afford one, but very much appeared like she would benefit from one. IIRC, the colleague had been bemoaning not having a car for some time. OP had an older 7-seater that she was replacing and, instead of selling it/trading it in, she offered it to the colleague. Colleague gratefully accepted - and promptly sold it to buy a fancy expensive barbecue and holiday, among other things.

roguetomato · 14/06/2021 07:31

If you say something, what would you expect to gain from it?
She may have sold it because it wasn't to her taste. She may have sold it because she needed money more than clothes. Either way, it's going to be a uncomfortable conversation.
You gave those to her. What she does with them is up to her, imo.

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