Should I say something to sister in law...?

[Dandyish10]

SIL has recently had her 2nd baby.
Neither her or my BIL are currently working(BIL is self employed and has very little work)

They already have a 15 month old and have told us they are struggling financially.

I have bags of clothes stored that my DC has outgrown and I thought as a nice gesture I’d offer them to SIL for her DC.

Today I noticed in a Facebook group, that both myself and SIL are in, that SIL is selling the clothes I have given her.
The clothes are all in fantastic condition and decent names like Joules, JoJo, Next, GAP etc.

I’m not sure if she knows I’m in this Facebook group.
I feel quite upset that she’s selling my DC’s clothes for money when I only really gave them to her for her own DC to wear.
If she didn’t like them I’d rather her have given them back to me.

I don’t know whether to say something about it or if I’m just overreacting.

Please don't say anything. Let her keep some dignity. It's really hard to tell someone you can't afford to put food on the table
Selling the clothes is a quick fix and what's would it achieve?
I bet she knows it was cheeky but I'd let it go
As you are not happy just learn from it

Also OP, as a PP said, if she had mentioned she was going to sell them, as you said you would have preferred, what would your answer have been?

I'm with the OP. These clothes were given for a specific reason, for the sil's child to wear. That was why the sil said she needed them. To put them straight up for sale is rude. She's been deceptive. Whether OP decides to challenge it depends on whether she considers it worth the fallout. But this would colour how I viewed her and she would never be given anything else.
OP could have sold that's items herself - she may well have used them in the future. Instead she gave them to SIL specifically for the nieces' benefit and that isn't what had happened.
I think SIL has some brass neck and clearly is incapable of embarrassment if she's put them on a site that the OP is also a member of. I'd be very tempted to post on the site that I'd given them to her for niece to wear, not for them to be sold. But the fallout is likely to be immense.

What a cheeky cow.

I can understand her thinking you wouldn't want them back if you'd given them to her, but to blatantly go online and sell them?! That is really rude of her. She must have thought you weren't in the group or something. She could've given them to charity or given them to a friend.

I don't think I would say anything, but I also would never give her anything again.

Actually, She should have asked if you wanted them back.

A friend of mine lent me bags and bags of stuff for my Daughter and as soon as I had finished with them, I messaged and took them straight back.

So cheeky

I've been thinking more about this. She's family, if you say something imagine exactly how the conversation will pan out. It will do nothing except embarrass her and cause ill feeling. Think of it as a good thing rather than a negative, you know she's strapped money, this was a way you have helped her out without her losing face. How will it make you feel better talking to her about it? Next time you pass on clothes you want back make it really clear.

@AngelDelightUk

I’m with you, I’d have been annoyed and would call her out on it.

Many years ago now I gifted a friend a very expensive soap hamper type thing with all sorts of bits in it. About six months later she started selling the items one by one, I did message her about it. She didn’t have money worries either, no idea why she sold it all on.

No idea?

Maybe she was allergic, maybe she didn't like the smell, maybe she has no use for a soap hamper. It's the sort of thing we would get donated at the charity shop I work at.

My best friend and cousin did this to me also
She was skint and I was forever lending and giving her money so I passed all good designer clothes down some even new. She sold every single thing!!!! She knows I like to keep things to pass down to my other kids and I did hint at this but id knew they was all sold by this point. My cousin also did it to me too. They both had boys around the same age and was struggling to I passed stuff on to both of them, then I fell pregnant with a no not long after they had theirs and neither passed anything back
At this point I was struggling to as I fell pregnant and 5 months in my 2 oldest fell terminally ill so I had to quit work and spent a fortune on travel to and from hospital!
Not one of them helped me....
Just think it's an unfair thing to do on their behalf
So now I don't give anything to anybody as 9x10 they sell it.

"They've told you directly they're struggling financially. Why would you raise this with her? Those brands of clothes sell well secondhand and this could make a difference to them.

I honestly can't fathom a reason why your being upset about something that actually (if you're honest with yourself) has no impact on you and only a positive impact on her, would make you embarrass her by bringing it up. Just give her a break and keep quiet."

^THIS

It’s a bit cheeky isn’t it because you thought her dc would be wearing them. I wouldn’t say anything though just learn a lesson. It’s like if you ever give them money to help pay you have no control whatsoever in what they purchase. I have helped relatives out with one off items such as fridge freezers and paying for dental treatment.

I have only ever sold one item that was gifted to me, a Radley handbag. It was sold directly to someone and not put on a site. I also regifted a Jo Malone candle because I really don’t like scented candles.

I had this happen to me with baby equipment. Friend put it on a selling site for another town a few miles away, not realising I was on it too. I commented that if she didn't want it, I'd have it back. She had begged me to give her the item as she desperately needed it and sold it within days. It wasn't a high value item, so wouldn't have made any difference to her financial situation. It did really annoy me. I'm obviously not as nice as OP because I'd have commented "yes please" on her SIL's posts, just to let her know I'd seen it.

Mumsnet is great for getting opinions from a cross section and posts like this show opinions can be almost binary.

Some will say it's sneaky or unfair of your SIL to sell the clothes so soon after you have given them to her.
Others will categorically state you are U as you gave the clothes away without conditions so it's none of your business what SIL does with them.
(I have the latter view here)

However, YOU have an issue with it and none of the opposing views are changing your mind. So ask her. "How did those kids clothes work out for you, SIL? Were they any use for the kids?"

See what she says. There's no need to humiliate her by continuing the conversation if it's not the response you want but at least you'll know what she says about it.

If she lies, then she's one of those who thinks it was wrong to do (or she knows that you are). If she tells the truth, she is one of those who believes she has done nothing wrong as the clothes were GIVEN to her, not lent.

I do think it is rude to do this without the children even wearing the clothes. Even if it’s a gift I can’t imagine why someone would not have the basic manners to check with the person who gave them only 2 days before .

I don’t think you can say anything tbh but I would also be a bit put out .

Lesson learnt .

I do think it's rude but broke people do strange things. Don't fall out with her over this.

She may be selling them because she's desperate and can use the proceeds to buy cheaper baby clothes from charity shop etc and use the extra for food/bills.

Honestly I've been struggling for cash and if I got given a bunch of expensive clothes that sell for a good amount I'd be very tempted to do that in her position.

It may also be that asking for cash feels too awkward not crass but selling the clothes feels more like doing something yourself to earn it.

Yes it's not ideal but please please be kind.

Also OP, as a PP said, if she had mentioned she was going to sell them, as you said you would have preferred, what would your answer have been?

If she’d have said to me I want to sell them (as quickly as she did) I would’ve asked for them back.

I didn’t specify I wanted them back, and I really don’t think I would’ve had an issue with her selling them had her DC worn the clothes and she sold them a few months down the line.
In that scenario I wouldn’t even have expected her to ask me about selling them.

But to sell after two days without the babies even wearing them, that to me isn’t nice and she’s used the clothes I gave her (after she said the DC’s needed clothes) for a cash alternative.

I may not say anything but I'd like the post so they know i knew. Let them feel bad.

It is cheeky to ask for something specific, making the op feel bad so she offers then hers and then sell it right away.

@burnoutbabe

I may not say anything but I'd like the post so they know i knew. Let them feel bad.

It is cheeky to ask for something specific, making the op feel bad so she offers then hers and then sell it right away.

She didn’t ask for anything specific though.

I get you OP-and I'd have to mention it to her. I get she might be hard up, but that's out of order without asking you whether you might want them back first.

I’d leave a comment underneath- hey, that looks just like the T-shirt and shorts I gave you for DN the other day! How funny that you had another set going spare

OP I'm remembering a time when I was skint and I won a really lovely branded pair of boots worth over £100. I would have loved to keep and wear those boots but I had bills to pay. Instead I sold them on ebay for 100, bought a cheap pair for a tenner that had holes in them within a few months and paid my bills. I don't know how much your lovely branded baby clothes fetch second hand but realistically is it possible she can sell yours for eg 50 quid, buy tesco cheapies for 25 and have 25 left for bills? Because she might have loved to keep those clothes but couldn't justify it to herself. She may be really embarrassed if she knew you'd seen her ad. Just saying because you say you're ok now and you might have forgotten how tough those decisions are when you're really struggling.

Not the same thing at all! In your example CRUK end up with nothing! Whereas the op’s sil ended up with some cash she probably needed.

OK, then - say you give one charity £1,000 and they decide it's more than they need (highly unlikely, I grant you!) and so pass half of it on to another charity of their choice?

snappedandfarted123

A competition prize is totally different, though. The company/promoter aren't trying to help you out by giving them to you - they're part of the cost to them of buying themselves publicity and drumming up interest in their brand, and they wouldn't care less who won them.

I've entered competitions before to win cars, even when I didn't need a car and/or, if I did, I wouldn't have wanted the one being given away - I would have sold it and bought the second-hand one I did want with a quarter of the cash! The company aren't going to be offended, or even interested.

Apart from anything else, I would have thought that baby clothes would be one of those things that the offerer very obviously might well want back at some stage - unless they've categorically told you their family is complete (although their close relatives might not have finished theirs) or the clothes have been in their loft for 40 years and they're now 75 - even then, grandchildren might be on the horizon!

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Not the same thing at all! In your example CRUK end up with nothing! Whereas the op’s sil ended up with some cash she probably needed.

OK, then - say you give one charity £1,000 and they decide it's more than they need (highly unlikely, I grant you!) and so pass half of it on to another charity of their choice?

Err, still not the same thing